In a state in inertia when DH around - from Mumsnet

Whiff Considerable amount of unpleasant husband bashing appears on GN, but whilst I worried this thread would fall that way, I don't think it did much. It was more about differences.

I want my husband near helping me stay OTOT, not everyone agrees. I've ADD, love when he's near - his inner clock keeps better time than mine.

My DH just wants to help and I am really grateful but I like to do lots of jobs on my own. I have my own preferred pace and way of doing things. I was very busy in the home and garden before DH retired and the jobs were done without fuss.

I’m quite happy to get on with them on my own still. Ok it’s like a physical work out but keeps my joints active. My DH works at a lot slower than me I just want to move on to the next job.

I agree about the phone conversations whilst someone else is in the room. I don't like being eavesdropped on, even thought there is usually nothing confidential being spoken about. My MIL always has her phone on speaker so that, if you are with her, you can hear both sides of the conversation. I think it is so rude, especially if the other person doesn't know they are on speaker.

I am the OP and read all of the comments on Mumsnet. Some of them were quite funny. A few comments mention their DH's using their (wife's) brains instead of their own. This certainly applies to my DH. As in, not being able to find stuff etc.

There was also a brilliant comments saying that every time her DH does a job in the house - it was cutting the lawn - she had to be on hand to e.g. pass him the poo bags, sweep up the cuttings etc. I know exactly how she feels. Every time my DH does a job he expects me to be on hand and generally be his helper, even if it is something he could easily do on his own - if he was organised enough.

I am guilty of being in a state of inertia when DH is around and enjoy my one day a week alone when he is out for the day doing his hobby

DH learned decades ago that the last person he wants round when he is working is me. I have the attention span of a goldfish, so after about 30 seconds standing there doing nothing but holding a spanner, just waiting, my mind and then my body wanders off.

For example, if we are on the drive and he is tinkering with the car, I will notice that there is a patch of that horrid weed 'mind your own business' which has reapperared and I will be thinking that I need to do something about it. Meanwhile DH is probably talking to me but I do not hear him because i am thinking about the weed, then I wander the yard or two to the patch of weed to see if I can scrape it off with the screwdriver......

Strange, isn't it, that so many people don't like to have an audience when on the phone, yet if you sit in almost any cafe at any time of day you can't avoid overhearing all sorts of conversations, including what (to me) should be private information about medical procedures, divorce proceedings and banking information. Unless those people don't consider people they don't know as 'an audience'.

I was just thinking that arewethereyet I travel by bus a lot and get intensely irritated by people's loud phone conversations. Sometimes they even facetime their families. All at top volume. Not always in English so I can't even eavesdrop.

I don't know why it annoys me because people are at liberty to speak to eachother on public transport.

I know. If anyone overheard my conversations with my friends or family and were hoping for anything interesting they’d be disappointed . I don’t think my husband would deliberately listen in (although to be fair he does sometimes chip in, which is bad for his health). It’s just inhibiting somehow.

This doesn’t seem to be a thread about husband-bashing to me, it’s just discussing an aspect of life that many women have observed. There’s a spectrum of relationships and I doubt any two are the same.

WRT phone calls, I find it embarrassing to have a phone conversation in public, too. At home, I prefer to be on my own to call people, as well.

It seems this ‘inertia’ phenomenon is really quite common - I suspect there’s a psychology PhD in there somewhere! I had no idea other people experienced it but it rings true to me. In my case, I think it’s because I don’t like to be interrupted when I’m doing a task so it’s easier to not start at all than begin then have to stop and restart. Having four children has likely contributed to that, as well.

My Dh worked away a lot in his career so being together 24/7 has been quite a change for us. As someone once said to me, retirement equals twice as much husband, half as much money.

I like that, SD

That's funny SueDonim 😀

I am also wondering if it's not just DHs but if anyone is in the house, it would seem rude to carry on with what I'm doing. I stop to attend to my visitors.

All this reminds me of the person who, when her husband retired, remarked, "I married him for richer, for poorer, but not for lunch!"

Don’t worry about offending people who live on their own… I think many of us (not all!) are the happy ones.

If you’re the independent type you may feel the oxygen being sucked out of the air.

But the question is - is it only your husband that makes you feel that way? Are there any friends (or other relatives) you like being around when you’re doing things? Something to examine?

Your husband is trying to fill his time, and trying to help you out. I even say, don’t make him feel bad. Consider yourself lucky‼️ You could have a retired husband that sits around all day in a blue funk like a toad stool. Imagine what that is like.

Maybe it’s time for one of you to go get a part time job or volunteer somewhere - get out and meet new people and learn something new. (You’d be surprised at ALL the volunteer opportunities there are in your local hospital. Hospital volunteers are always in-the-know… they know everything that’s going on there. Very interesting!)
Good luck!
USA Gundy

Doodledog

I am similar to M0nica. I suspect I have ADD (I'm not diagnosed) and am very haphazard when doing housework - stopping and starting, and breaking off the vacuuming to put washing in, then spotting that there is something to do in the kitchen, get distracted by that, and decide to start preparing the dinner, doing that until I go to answer the door, then remember the half-hoovered sitting room, which I forget again as I take Mr Dog the parcel I've just taken in.

It sort of works for me, and I get there in the end, but it's frustrating for others to watch, and it makes me murderous if someone (ie Mr Dog) comments, however well-intentioned he may have been.

The biggie for me, though, is that I can't be on the phone if someone is listening. I speak to a friend once a week, and call my mum and sister often. None of the conversations are 'private', or about secrets other than on the level of what we've bought for Christmas presents, but I hate being overheard. I don't really know why, but it's just inhibiting. Mr D doesn't really understand (nor do I!) but he accepts it's just how I am. If we are at home I just go to another room, and if we are away he'll find a reason to go out and leave me to it.

I could have written all of this myself.

This applies to me as well! Thought I had something wrong with myself. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one!

On this topic a Greek friend once said "Oh no, we don't let them stay in.the house. They go.out to work or if retired go.and sit in cafe. You can't get anything done with.them.around."
True.

I don’t have a DH but I do have an adult son with ASD who is home all the time. When he used to go to college I had no problem keeping on top of housework but since he left I have such a lack of motivation. I’m procrastinating right now.

Nannarose, I agree with you entirely.

DH goes away every few weeks for a couple of days and I find it very relaxing. Don't get me wrong, we get on fine most of the time and I love his company, but time alone is lovely too.

Nannarose

I am interested in M0nica's persepctive.
I'm going to mention another one. Some people feel that their job in life is to look after other people, make them comfortable, respond to them quickly. When others are about, they automatically (usually without thinking) downgrade their own activities, to almost 'being on call' to the other person.
I am talking about emotions here, not those who need to physically / practically care for someone.

Probably not all or most who experience this, but worth considering.

We're both very much as you describe, marriage!

Tree71 , Judy, M0nica, and anyone else, we should form a support group .

I've been 'helping' Mr Dog to get the back bedroom ready to decorate tomorrow. Previously, I had decluttered the wardrobe and sorted the remaining clothes and shoes inside it. He needed to move the wardrobe for the decorator (fair enough) and it has proved difficult. After much huffing and puffing he took all the clothes out of it, draped them over the bannister with the hangers over the stairs, and piled the shoes and bags in front of the loo.

I have been (accidentally) standing exactly where he needed to be throughout, unable to assist because the wardrobe was in an alcove with virtually no wriggle room, so we've got on one another's nerves. He's broken the wardrobe door trying to move it, and at least 50% of the hangers have fallen out of the clothes onto the stairs. I am now going to have to sort them out again, rehang them and put them away creased - I'm not ironing them as the wardrobe will have to go back when the room is finished, and there will doubtless be a repeat performance. It took ages to sort through them the first time, and I hate doing things like that. He also slips far too easily into sergeant major manager role, and forgets that I am not a squaddie an underling 😡.

He's taking the carpet up now, so I have moved downstairs 'out of his way'.

This does not mean that I don't love him dearly, just that I could cheerfully strangle him at times. (I'm 100% certain that his version of events would differ, too, although obviously mine is the correct version )

I agree with so many of the posts here. Seems like it really is a ‘thing’ - and I feel just like this too. Bit like an episode of Last of the Summer Wine 😂!!

I thought i was on my own with this.
Exactly the same here. Not sure what to do lost mojo.

I do manage to do most of my chores with my DH around but I don't vacuum while he's watching TV, which is several hours a day. If he goes out I take the chance to get the cleaner out!
What annoys me is being interrupted with a "Are we going to have a coffee?" or "What about some lunch?" when I'm in the middle of a job. If I were on my own, I would drink or eat when I had finished, but DH goes by the clock.

I could imagine every moment of your day, Doodledog. 😂

SueDonim

I could imagine every moment of your day, Doodledog. 😂

Yours in solidarity