Future-proofing and how to avoid becoming over- dependent

My mum downsized into a bungalow 6 years ago at 81 ......easier to manage....both house and garden .....cheaper to heat ....big village with excellent bus service ( although she still drives local) ....she has contacts for a plumber, electrician and roofer in an emergency....we live 2 hours away ......we see go over every month at least...she's comes to us for Christmas and Easter....we do her decorating ( couple of rooms a year) ....do a deep clean in house once a year..... tidy the garden and power wash garden every spring....then put garden to bed in October...I do all her life admin thats online ...eg car tax, insurance, TV licence....book her flu jabs .....everything else she can manage fine at moment.....when she can't we will support more ( we is me, DP, x 3 AC) .... I whatsapp daily and call twice a week...
.take her on 2 x 5 day hols a year ( she doesn't like to be away from home any longer!) ....my brother on the other hand does nothing....but hey ho

That’s exactly what I would never want my son to do for me. I couldn’t bear to be so dependent on him. I’m sure you do it gladly but no, not for me. He has quite enough on his plate already.

My sister, a widow, moved to be near her AD at 83 to a large village over 100 miles from her home of over fifty years.. She says it is the worst thing she ever did. Her daughter works full time and she knows no one. She says she has tried to join things but he non northern accent puts her apart and she is very lonely . I no longer drive so cannot make the journey as by train it would be three changes. She has always been independent and a great organiser, very active in the community. Now she watches TV for most of the day and is declining very quickly. If you are going to do it don’t leave it too late.

Bijou

I have always been very independent. My husband suffered poor health as a result of being wounded both physically and mentally in France after the DDay landings and he died in 1987.
I returned in 1989 to our bungalow which had been rented out for twelve years. After spending three months redecorating , repairing furniture and getting the garden weed free. I started visiting and entertaining friends. I have never owned or driven a car.
I went on holidays home and abroad about four times a year but had to give up when I was 82 because of arthritis and cancer. When I was 90 had to employ a gardener and help for an hour for housework. Now at the age of 100 I am housebound have had cancer again but still only have help an hour or so daily. Get all my own food. No ready meals.
Am rather lonely because all my friends have died.

Dear Bijou, thank you for your story. I just wanted to acknowledge your loneliness.
My grandfather lived to 98, and although he had friends of many ages, and family who loved his company, he missed his contemporaries dreadfully.

Calendar girl
I love, love, love your description of the level of care you receive from your family. Mine have declared me as Toxic and stay away. I like your description better. With your permission, I am going to use your answer from now on. Positive, with humor and upbeat! Thank you!

My husband died 2 weeks ago. We have only been in our house since February this year when we moved to Cornwall from London to be near our family. I am so glad we did as though it was stressful as he was in hospital for the whole of December and January so I did it all myself.
We bought a 4 bed house because he wanted a room to build a model railway, which never happened. We had a stair lift fitted and bought him a profiling bed so I shall keep and use the bed and while I'm still living in the house I shall keep the stairlift.
As we haven't been here long and I have no particular emotional attachment to the house I will eventually look to move to a bungalow a bit nearer the centre of town, which will also give me a bit extra in the bank.

Oh Jan54, I'm so sorry, condolences to you and your family, thinking of you

I have no family (well, 1 daughter who has not spoken to me for 16 years !) SO when I moved back from living in Europe for a long time, after my husband died, I sold up, got rid of everything apart from a few mementoes and phtos....and moved back to the UK into a retirement flat ....yes, the charges are astronomocal, but I did my research before I bought it .......my PoAs for health and finance are in place, my funeral is paid for, Will made and membership of Dignity in Dyng, and Dignitas, plus my DNAR notice are all up to date .....and so until that time comes (nearer every day ha ha ) I am travelling the world as long as I can, and as long as my Insurance Company will cover me .......America, USA, Canada, Arctic, Iceland, all over Europe, Panama, Mexico, India, etc etc ....Antarctica in January, and after that whatever I fancy next ...........(probably a scattering in the sea from my chosen and purchased nice pink urn ! (or, as I carry with me, just throw me overboard !)....just hope m y philosophy of following my favourite country n western song Live Like you were Dying ! ....12 years ago in France I was given a terminal diagnosis following cancer and three metastatic tumours ....then the offer came of a new treatment ...so I chose that and here I still am (today. no idea what tomorrow holds !) I hope at least to get to Antarctica as I have still got the clothing I bought to go to the Arctic and dont want it to go to waste! c'est la vie !!

Gin

My sister, a widow, moved to be near her AD at 83 to a large village over 100 miles from her home of over fifty years.. She says it is the worst thing she ever did. Her daughter works full time and she knows no one. She says she has tried to join things but he non northern accent puts her apart and she is very lonely . I no longer drive so cannot make the journey as by train it would be three changes. She has always been independent and a great organiser, very active in the community. Now she watches TV for most of the day and is declining very quickly. If you are going to do it don’t leave it too late.

We hear this all the time sadly. My husband meets loads of people in their own homes for his work many of whom have moved up here to be with a son or daughter and they sorely miss friends, clubs, shops etc. often kids encourage them to move near them but they don’t realise how difficult it is to make friends in later life.

Often they encourage their parent to pool finances and they all end up in a big property with a granny flat or annexe. I knew an elderly lady who sold her house in London and moved into a former pub with her son and family up here with her own annexe. Trouble is it was in the middle of nowhere with no shops, no buses, nothing at all and she hated asking her family for help. She lost her independence. She told me the family rarely came in to see her and the only person who ever came to her door was the mini bus driver who took her to a day centre once a week!

I’m in the 4 bed family home, just me and 2 dogs. We looked for the perfect Edwardian bungalow over 5 years but it didn’t appear so we agreed to stay put. We future proofed by extending the kitchen and turning the garage into a big utility with a shower and toilet. That’s the dog room as well so small children can run about easily.
I got gardeners to do the lawns when mr I became ill. I’ve kept them on as well as a properly trained an qualified person who takes my big yiung dog to her enclosed field twice a week so I don’t have to walk two dogs daily,
I’ve decided on a deep clean ever 3 months, rather than weekly. Cleaners .
I have Tesco deliveries but prefer to shop myself. The bus stop is outside my house, decent butcher and supermarket in the village. My children live nearby.
I hope to be independent till i leave this world but I know there are no guarantees

Bijou - you are just great

So glad I came across your thread because I too have the thought roaming around my min now and again.

I gave up my job to look after my mum but I was in a position to be able to do that, thankfully.

Without going from thread to needle with the indepth A B and C's, I will just say that I too have considered. My home is my childhood home, the design is perfect for future health problems, by that I mean downstairs bathroom and bedroom.

If necessary in the future I wouldn't hesitate in agreeing to carers coming to assist me, the village I live in has a wonderful car scheme that is run by people who have retired, the village hall has weekly 'clubs' and luncheons once a week, so going out of the 4 walls wouldn't be an audacious task. Online shopping wouldn't be a problem, employing a cleaner and gardener wouldn't be an issue, in fact I am open to literally anything and everything to prevent me from being a burden to my family.

I have to add that I never ever, not once did I view my precious mum as a burden, it was an absolute honour to be right by her side, BUT when it come to the time when I MAY need help, that is when I would view myself as a burden IF IF IF I didn't do something about it

Good thread, 1 day it will arrive on our doorstep, we either welcome it in or keep the door firmly closed.... I know which I will do... welcome it in with a cup of tea and slice of cake 🍵🍰

Bijou you are an inspiration! 7 years ago we moved from a large 4 bedroom villa to a much smaller 4 bedroom bungalow, main snag is the steep drive which I find difficult. Both our DDs are quite close and would visit if required, as yet we still help them looking after their children when required. So far we can both manage to do what's necessary, but I feel we are relatively proofed if the worst comes.

My SIL died 2 years ago aged 66. Before she died she said to her DH “if anything happens to us you do realise we are on our own don’t you?”

By that she meant her two adult daughters who she thoroughly spoiled would not do the same for them. She helped them financially, looked after their kids, knitted for the kids, cooked for them, went over if they were ill, etc. when she first became ill it struck her that they were more interested in their jobs/friends/love lives than visiting her.

Her DH is 75 and, as predicted, he is virtually “on his own”. Very sad and I am really surprised at them for being so uncaring.

When he talks to us about his future we have suggested he might down size, take some holidays, do what he wants but he says the girls don’t want him to sell the house.

Also always a good idea to future proof your body. Keeping fit and in good shape will help with balance and preventing falls, help to avoid falls and be able to have the strength to get up if you do. So pilates for all over body strength, resistance training to keep and build muscle. Walking and eating a healthy diet to get essential nutrients and looking after your mental health and your brain health. Keeping active and meeting up with friends, working or volunteering. Ladies you can do all if these things to stay healthy for longer!

Pavane

Think you have the wrong poster, that’s not me you’re referring to.

Not future-proofing in depth is not really being considerate to our AC and many of us have AC who love us dearly. The POA is really a good step forward, allowing trusted AC to make the decisions for us, in our best interest

Future-proofing to the end needs to be done personally if AC are not to be 100% trusted or if there is estrangement

I cannot do much more right now, I do keep an eye on my de-cluttering, having gone with dh, in his professional capacity, to a retirement complex before it was even opened. The lack of apartment space shocked me to the core, yes the communal areas were ok but apartment square footage was a fraction of what I have now and this house is already step one of my downsizing progression

It is lovely to read of the success stories, the ones who manage to stay independent and many will but we all need a safety net. I also agree with the future-proofing wrt health but for many, it is too late, apart from papering over the cracks

i have rarely lived anywhere close to my relatives and was used to relying only on myself , for example , living in Damascus with a 2 year old. So there my concern was to learn my way round, check that I knew how to get to a doctors and a hospital and to get someone to write me out in clear arabic, things like please take me to the hospital quickly or please take me to the embassy etc. Fortunately I never needed any of these things but it was my way of dealing with the possibility of a situation where I would need help. So have always been independant and used to looking at the possible problem areas. Then over the years done a lot of different things and have done 10 years of hospital car volunteer driver 3 days a week. Doing that makes you aware of the many different things that can happen, some expected or obvious but then those odd and unusual accidents that could not have been foreseen, which you have to deal with in that moment. So in this area if you live up the dales you absolutely have to have your own transport as the bus service was never brilliant but with this lot in government cutting down and cutting down it is almost non existant and you could not rely on it for simple shopping or things like doctors appointment and hospitals many miles away. So having been aware of all these things I loved my precious garden on 3 levels with my 80 different types of snowdrops etc etc and lived there for over 20 years. My husband died 6 years ago but was able to still stay there but it was on a steep hill and I knew if I wanted to keep my independance and make my own choices I needed to do it while I could. Then I also got cancer, which added to the need to move. So I was able to do my own research, where my knowledge of the district and the hospitals etc came in useful. So I narrowed it down to needing a ground floor place within easy reach of the hospital and with public transport if I could no longer drive. So it was very hard leaving the home I had shared with my husband and my lovely neighbours, and the upheaval of sorting out 20 years of stuff. However the main thing to me is to be totally independant , as I have always been and to run my own life as long as possible. So here I am in a ground floor flat, with the things I deemed necessary all in place. So far I am able to keep driving so can come and go at my own choice. Hospital nearby, miss my lovely bath but have a good walk in shower, which even has a seat in it in case I could not stand. I miss my garden very much and my friends and choirs and the dales, but I can go back and visit them and the important thing is that I am still in charge of my life for as long as possible. My son lives on the other side of the country, so I have already talked to him and his family and I feel I have made the fairest plan. I love Yorkshire and would be very sad to leave here but if and when I get to a stage where I need to be looked after in any way, I will move to be somewhere close to them, Not to live with them but to be local to them. So good incentive to keep trying to keep well and fit. My back gives me a lot of pain, which also means I cant walk as much as I used to , but I have an annual ticket to go swimming. This encourages me to get my moneys worth from the ticket, so I always feel better for the swim, meet other people, and it keeps my back in the best state I can manage and it is less painful exercising in water. So I have already found various groups and interests that I have joined in here, despite the fact that it was the worst move I had to make as it was during covid, so no help from friends and family and had to give up my piano etc. So despite the pain of giving up things I had done what mattered to me. Independantly I have sorted out a way to live here , be in charge of my life and not let someone else tell me where to live etc. I have my radio 3, cook what I want do what I want within reason. I have updated my will, which my family know about and am now organising PoA so that as I have lived - being bloody minded and choosing my own way, so long as my way did not affect other peoples choices. If you have ever watched Waiting for God the stephanie cole character is me and she owes me royalties!! I had to change my car, because there was absolutely nothing wrong with the one I had but was finding it difficult getting in and out so again did a good swap while I was able to. So I have every intention of staying here for years , doing my own thing. You know "when I am old I shall wear purple with a red hat that doesnt go and doesnt suit me" I still fight and campaign for things that are important to me and whilst I cant go on marches anymore am perfectly capable of signing petitions, going to have my two pennorth of comments at council meetings, supporting charities that I try and help. In fact keeping living!! Am coping so far with cancer treatment and hope that I shall have a good few years here before I need to move. You will never find me sat in a care home staring into space or playing bingo, but each to their own of course. Keep learning too, I think that new ideas and skills keep the brain moving. I have found a whist group which I go to every week, where we are all reasonable players and it is a pleasant evening, with fun and chat and a warm place to spend the time, and today I am going to another place where they have beginners Chess. I have played many card games and quiz etc but never had the chance to get into chess so that is my new plan for this next year. At 78 I may be one of the oldest beginners , but its never too late. If this doesnt appeal I have never played backgammon either so that could be my next thing to try. Of course I have sad times and miss my husband and friends and my lovely garden and am sometimes quite depressed and lonely, but the swimming ticket gets me out and once I get going I am ok. If you are looking to move I also recommend getting the local paper of the area you think you might move to. It will give you a general idea of what it is like in the area, what clubs and interests are happening there, if there is a particular area or road which seem to have the fights or problems outside the pub, which you could make a note of and when thinking of what properties are available check them out against this information. Then if you are not near enough to go there several times easily I suggest thinking of going b and b in the town in november or february. Deliberately at a miserable time of year. Anywhere can look lovely with the christmas lights or the open gardens etc. If somewhere still appeals to you in November you are on a winner. Once you find a road or an area that seems a good possibility , then I also go in my car and sit in the road at different times of day with a traffic grid drawn out with times of day. so just sit there and note down lorries, cars pedestrians etc. When you go to look at a property with the estate agent , if they seem keen to take you in the morning, go and sit there in the afternoon and find out if there is a lot of traffic from a school or a factory or whatever. If you are already a gardener or bridge player, contact the club in the new area - usually you can find up to date details in the library - and see if you could go over for a couple of meetings before you move. That way you will already have contacts and when you are shattered from the move and are surrounded by boxes it is great to just close the door on it and go to your newly found group and relax with something you enjoy. In the meantime live NOW. I am hoping to go away on a holiday quite soon. It seems a bit extravagant to do this and a bit of me feels guilty about spending a chunk of money when I do not have a lot. However in 2 years time I shall be 80 , if I get that far, and then the insurance to go anywhere goes to ludicrous levels, so dont think I shall be able to go anywhere far again. I dont know how my health will be in the future so it is a case of use it or lose it and if I can manage a trip somewhere I am going to do it while I can. for all the things I have done or not done over the years I have not got a lot of money but I have worked and seen lots of the world and am never sorry for what I have done only things I didnt take the chance on and now couldnt . Wont get to Peru or Ulan Bator now but hey hey did a fair bit. Keep looking ahead to something good, whether it is a weekend away with a friend or a quiz night in your new home area to get to know new people. One last thing. My advice is dont go back!! Do go to visit old friends where you used to live but not for at least a month or two to let you get settled in and personally I never drove down the road of my old house for at least a year, taking detours if necessary. If you do go by it only brings you sadness and feeling that loss if you feel you have made the wrong decision, or fury when you see they have concreted over your lovely garden for their wretched cars!! People not things are what are important. Keeping in touch with friends old and new and setting up perhaps a 3 times a year meet up or organising a chance to go away somewhere together to keep that important friendship going will bring you much more pleasure and joy. I have been friends for 76 years with Val, known her since I was 2 and have worked to make sure we never lost touch, sent every new address etc, made sure that I met her for a day when I came back to england on holiday etc. The friendship still brings me much joy, we know each other and our lives like no others and can shortcut when we meet it is as if we have seen each other only the other day. It is a treasure in my life which sees me through thick and thin as I hope I do for her.No piece of jewellery or money or house could matter to me as much as she does. Write down on a piece of paper, why you have decided to move and what the reasons are good and bad. Keep that in your bag and on a bad day when you wonder what you are doing get it out and remind yourself what those reasons were and then carry on. Keep adding messages on here and taking good ideas from anything someone sends. we dont have to reinvent the wheel and can make use of others experiences to avoid hazards we hadnt thought of. Good luck in whatever future you decide on and that is the main thing. Be YOU and make your own choices where possible.

I have always been a forward planner, although well aware that life can get in the way!

When our children left home and I was made 'voluntarily' redundant into early retirement, we bought the house we had always wanted; a 500 year old Listed house in a busy village near several towns. We knew we would probably need to down size at some time - and that time has come. After 27 years in our dream house, the garden is becoming a chore and the house too big so we starting our down sizing plan.

Quite early on it became clear that our children's lives and careers meant they would be living some distance from us. The problem was not the north/south distance, but the east/west distance and how rubbish our east/west roads are.

However, our AC's homes happen to be at either end of the same trunk road/motorway and at various times we have considered moving to somewhere along the same road, but with a holiday home in France and wanting to live somewhere with easy access to the ferries, plus being fit and well, it seemed premature.

But when we were 75 we decided we would sell our house in France when we reached 80, and reaching 80 this year, this is what we are doing, it is breaking our hearts, but we have over 30 years of memories and it is best to go now than wait until it is a burden.

We have now done our research on the towns and places along the trunk road linking both AC and have decided on which town to move to. It is one that has activities we enjoy, opportunities we can indulge, shops, doctors, church, etc are all available in the town centre, and is on a main rail line that gives us direct services to the towns our AC live in, so if at any point we cannot drive, we can still travel to them - and while fit, get up to London to visit other family and friends.

We are selling up in France first, but once that is done, we will make the move to east. to a smaller house, in a town, which will help us keep our independence longer and where it is easy for our children to give us any support we may need.

My parents have set us a good example. they made a similar planned move, and had a busy and happy retirement, buying in help as they needed it. Of course, as my father, after he became a widower and in his later years needed some support but he was determinedly independent. We intend to be the same.

In our case, our DD had decided, quite independently that she would move to the town we have our eye on. In looking at it for our purposes, she found somewhere she wanted to live and is just waiting for one of the right houses to come on the market. So we will actually have her quite close.

Wise words Monica, hope all goes well with your new home search, also same to your daughter- how lovey for you both that you'll be within popping 'round for coffee distance!

Good luck M0nica, your town sounds lovely. I think that in principle a small town / large village with facilities is an excellent choice.

karmalady my Dad downsized from a detached 4 bed 2 bath house to his 1 bed apartment. My Mum's clothes were still in the wardrobes in two bedrooms, three items per hanger.
Looking round his house when we were moving him my heart sank and I didn't know where to start.
In the end between us we just chose the clothes, crockery, kitchen ware and furniture he would need and wanted, and left everything else. I bought him new towels and bedding.
The people buying his house wanted some of the furniture and my auntie was happy to bag up the clothes for a charity shop. I think a clearance company took the rest, I can't remember as I was busy settling Dad in to his new home.

Incidentally as regards room sizes, we're buying the apartment below Dad's ourselves as a rental/future home, and the bedroom is bigger than the one in our house, so they're not all shoe boxes!
The main change for me would be having to share a bathroom with my husband, currently we have our own 😅

Cabbie21 What plans have you made? How can we keep our independence, when we become less able to manage, when we need more support? Have you moved nearer to family?

No real plans. We aren't moving, our bedroom and shower room are downstairs, the upper level was added for needed children bedrooms, storage and bath - now usually unused.

We hope to pay for care as we have plenty of room, pay for all needed services, and move to a carehome as a last option if we must.

Our children and grandchildren all live quite near, we see them daily. They're learning to run the business, with my husband over managing.

Life can be unpredictable, to that end we save diligently for carers, carehome fees - whilst hopefully de-cluttering, staying on here.

I've been to view a sheltered housing flat today. It's lovely and has a balcony. My issue is the information I have to put on the application form I find it very intrusive. Example, weekly food costs, car insurance, mobile phone and broad band costs etc. Plus they want 2months of bank statements. Am I being unreasonable??

Yes. They need to know you can afford the rent and service charges.