DIL is hurt According to my Son

Sara1954

I was thinking that if my mother in law had done this I would have been very annoyed, to be fair, I think he would have just given it to me to put in the bank anyway.
I think it was a very provocative thing to do.

No judgment but why would you be very annoyed if your MIL gave a check to her own son? Is it because you weren’t included?

Flowersinthegarden
No I don’t think so, I wouldn’t have been bothered about the money, but I would have felt she was interfering.
Out of curiosity, what did you hope he might spend it on?

Sara1954

Flowersinthegarden
No I don’t think so, I wouldn’t have been bothered about the money, but I would have felt she was interfering.
Out of curiosity, what did you hope he might spend it on?

How is it interfering to give my son some cash? I didn’t have a particular item in mind just something special for himself to treat himself whether that be something towards a hobby of his or a nice meal.

1. He is an adult that could very well treat himself if he wanted to
2. Working hard is part of life - not a extreme hardship very few people experience
3. Giving him a cash reward for functioning like an adult is infantilizing him
I am glad a pp also mentioned that
4. Excluding his wife has very loud unspoken connotations that meddle in their marriage.
Why cant your son use the marital funds to treat himself?
Why reward one party and not the other?

Hithere

1. He is an adult that could very well treat himself if he wanted to
2. Working hard is part of life - not a extreme hardship very few people experience
3. Giving him a cash reward for functioning like an adult is infantilizing him
I am glad a pp also mentioned that
4. Excluding his wife has very loud unspoken connotations that meddle in their marriage.
Why cant your son use the marital funds to treat himself?
Why reward one party and not the other?

Can you explain in further detail number 4? What connotations does it have?

Financial implications - they cannot afford it, for example, so you "come to the rescue"

Implications wife might not approve of expense so he is using your loophole - aka "she is controlling "

He doesn't spend the marital funds on items you think he deserves

Etc

Bad move getting in the middle of the couple, no matter what the good intentions were

I forgot

Ignoring the wife's contributions and sacrifices and taking her for granted

Am coming a bit late to this party, but my view is that you can’t treat one half of a couple and leave out the other, it’s asking for trouble!

I can’t understand why your son relayed to his wife that the money was specifically for him. Surely he must have realised it would cause upset. Even so, not a good move on your part, but at least you’ve done the right thing and made your apologies to her.

Why would the husband hide that from his wife?

Blaming the wrong person here

Hithere

Financial implications - they cannot afford it, for example, so you "come to the rescue"

Implications wife might not approve of expense so he is using your loophole - aka "she is controlling "

He doesn't spend the marital funds on items you think he deserves

Etc

Bad move getting in the middle of the couple, no matter what the good intentions were

I think the second thing about me thinking his wife is controlling is really a stretch. How does me giving my son money in any way shape or form imply I think my DIL is controlling?

I just suggested multiple possible implications, not what applies to your case

Hithere

I just suggested multiple possible implications, not what applies to your case

I get that I’m just boy understanding how anyone can take it there. That’s quite a leap.

Not understanding* not boy lol

Summerfly

I can’t understand why your son relayed to his wife that the money was specifically for him. Surely he must have realised it would cause upset. Even so, not a good move on your part, but at least you’ve done the right thing and made your apologies to her.

I agree .

I’m sure your intentions were good, but it does seem like you didn’t think it through, how could any good have come out of it?
My son works very hard, he’s single, so I wouldn’t be offending anyone if I gave him money, but why would I? He’s a grown up man earning a grown up salary.

I give cheques made to them both.For birthdays I give my son a cheque for himself as he’s impossible to buy for, my dil a gift same value for hers. They share everything anyway. She however, has always spent more time with her family and is closer to them, we have a good relationship but her family comes first.

Hithere yesterday @ 12.53

I think the husband should have realised how hurt his wife would be!
As I said, “not a good move”

Should have added On her part!
Plus, it’s not my place to blame anyone. Just my point of view.

What I find bewildering about this story (and the other parallel one) is that if my MIL had given my DH a present saying spend it just on yourself there is no way he would have done so without consulting me. We might have decided to spend it on something he needed or something that would benefit us both. But it would always have been a joint decision.

Regarding the "controlling" notion above (It was Hithere who mentionedit). I can see how that works in some situations.
Plenty of parents (and friends) might try to help out the person they feel has no financial control or who never gets to make a personal choice in anything.

I don't think it's an unreasonable scenario.

(NOT saying it applies here).

NotSpaghetti

Regarding the "controlling" notion above (It was Hithere who mentionedit). I can see how that works in some situations.
Plenty of parents (and friends) might try to help out the person they feel has no financial control or who never gets to make a personal choice in anything.

I don't think it's an unreasonable scenario.

(NOT saying it applies here).

I don’t know how an outsider to the marriage would even know a couple’s private financial happenings and how they split finances or whose money is being spent towards what unless one member of the couple is divulging that information which is never a good idea in the first place.

Also it’s odd that an outsider to a marriage would expect a married couple (not a dating couple) to consider money separate.

There were times my husband was working and I wasn’t (the reason doesn’t matter) and I would have been fuming mad if he considered the money he earned just his money instead of our money considering I was helping raise the kids and contributing in other areas. I would feel like he didn’t understand what marriage meant.

I would be even madder and see red if my MIL tried to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong and gave my husband money off to the side telling him not to spend it on me because she thought he didn’t have any say or I was undeserving of it when it’s not her business or anyone’s business outside of the marriage to take it upon themselves to “fix” a marriage or he’ll even have an opinion on it. It would have made me mad that his mom was trying to save him from his evil wife as if he a child that needs saving. Yes in turn I would probably pull away from my mil if she pulled a stunt like this I would continue to be polite and civil but I would pull away.

I don’t understand how other people are so privy to the inner financial happenings that go on between a married couple. Besides you never really know what agreements they have worked out or what goes on behind close doors and quite frankly it’s no one else’s business.

You are right buildings455677 people don't necessarily know but they can often suspect and some try to mitigate if they think they can.

Domestic abuse/control takes many forms. It doesn't need to be (and usually isn't) "divulged".

You are lucky that you would have felt safe enough to be "fuming mad". Not everyone is so confident and free.

NotSpaghetti

You are right buildings455677 people don't necessarily know but they can often suspect and some try to mitigate if they think they can.

Domestic abuse/control takes many forms. It doesn't need to be (and usually isn't) "divulged".

You are lucky that you would have felt safe enough to be "fuming mad". Not everyone is so confident and free.

I don’t know why fuming mad is in quotes? Yes I would be fuming mad if my MIL specifically gave my husband money AND implied I wasn’t “allowing” him any fun money of his own or that he did all the work and I did nothing.

I wouldn’t like the undermining the sanctity of our marriage and her putting her nose where it doesn’t belong and making assumptions when she isn’t there 24/7 so really has no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors or how we arrange our finances.

Which is why marital issues and finances between a married couple should never be discussed with outside forces.

Also I take a very much what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine approach because to me that’s what marriage is all about.