Thoughts

I treat them all the same,have 4,I always spend a lot of time thinking what they would really like,especially 2 of them who have weird families & do not get much attention from their own family.They are my family now & all need love and attention.

I try to spend more or less the same on DS and DIL but often end up spending more on DIL because she will let me know what she wants whereas DS always says he doesn't want anything. Also find it easier to think of things to buy a woman than a man.

I would have loved to have lunch with just my Dad rather than always with him & my stepmother his 2nd wife.
But sadly he refused to see me without her. Both passed away now

Mamasperspective

If you treat your DIL as 'less' or like she doesn't matter, it can potentially cause distance between you and your son (this is the woman he loves more than anyone else in the world) and also, may very well come back to haunt you if they have children together

Quite true. By nature of it all your daughter in law or son in law are the most cherished person to your son or daughter. So by extension, should they not be treasured and valued to you as well? When my oldest son was a small boy he had a stuffed dog he was mad for. I didn’t espixslly love the toy, as it was old and dingy and not my taste. However he thought it to be a treasure beyond all others and so over the years I went to great lengths to look after, gently wash and be sure to never ever misplace it! It was the thing he loved most in the world and as such I cared very much what became of it. Likewise with my adult children’s chosen partners. Perhaps a poor analogy as of course none of my sil or dils are “old or dingy” , quite the opposite they’re lovely people , but just as my son loved that stuffed dog, even if they weren’t lovely I would love, and treasure, and want to celebrate them , simply because they mean so much to my grown children.

If you treat your DIL as 'less' or like she doesn't matter, it can potentially cause distance between you and your son (this is the woman he loves more than anyone else in the world) and also, may very well come back to haunt you if they have children together

Marriage is a joint enterprise.

I think the scale of differentiation and the expressed intention of the gift are relevant to this discussion. I read your other post, OP, and a large cash gift to be used for the sole purpose of rewarding one’s own child, as opposed to a treat to share, could be seen as belittling the value of the DIL or SIL.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry too much about absolute equality of gifting. I’d be more likely to give to both jointly.

I always have a problem finding suitable presents for my son and daughter-in-law. They can afford, and prefer, to choose and buy anything they want or need. The time I bought my son a jumper he returned it to the shop. I wouldn’t even dare risk similar for my DiL Some years they have had a big cheque from me, into the joint account, but mostly I get them each something trivial, maybe bric a brac from a fair, maybe a jokey present or a game. The value is irrelevant.

To Flowersinthegarden, you seem rather obsessed with this point. I just cannot imagine the circumstance you envisage - a son-in-law saying he felt hurt because he had calculated the difference in value between his own present and his wife's. Inconceivable that anyone would think like that. Nothing whatever to do with not seeing my married daughters as units with their husbands. Some of your implications are quite an affront.

Cabbie21

So to those who say you treat them equally, are you also going to leave the same amount of money to your DiLs and SiLs in your wills? I guess not.

No we have not. Never even considered.

Our 4 daughters will have my husband's business and our sons-in-law will not have part to my husband's business.

Germanshepherdsmum

Trouble is, Siope, they move.

Sadly in some cases, yes. I think that’s likely for one of mine in the next year, and the other within five years.

We are hoping to be much less needed locally by the latter family before that, so we can move on ourselves.

Flowersinthegarden

I am curious for those who mention that they do treat their DILs different than their sons if your DIL came to you and said this offended her and she felt not as much a part of your family how would you handle it?

In this case I would sincerely apologize and look hard at my own self in the mirror. Because my actions were causing someone very dear to my son and very much a part of out family to feel excluded , even if I knew that wasn’t my intent I would want to remedy my actions so as not to make that mistake again. I saw your orinal post on this subject op and you went wrong in not giving your son a check but I’m taking the time and effort to be sure you let him know you only wanted him to spend it on himself. It made it seem deliberately exclusionary and Ike safe guarding what should have been a gift. I can absolutely see where a daughter in law would felt a certain way about it , as I’d you thought she’d spend it all selfishly or something or like you wanted to be sure it didn’t go toward their household together etc. had you just given the check and kept your “rules “ for the gift to yourself I doubt you’d have heard anything about it

I don’t necessarily count the pounds and line it up all even , even among my own adult children. Though I tend to keep it roughly in balance and put a lot of thought into gifts etc. same for the son in laws and daughter in laws.

I say this is a situation of if you have to ask you’re doing it unfairly. So if it’s a thing that comes up - there’s been an obvious breech of equality here. And you really should try to let go of this feeling of “but xx is MY CHILD” and so and so is just their spouse. When they got married so and so became just as much family as your child. They mean the world to your child, is that not enough reason on its own to treat them like precious additions to the family? My son in laws and daughter in laws are lovely people overall , but even if they weren’t - they are my children’s life partners, the love of their lives , their pride and joy - and so by extension they are also mine .

My children and their partners are all treated and loved the same, but their gifts don't necessarily match exactly for monetary value. This year one d-i-l is getting a gift about 20% more expensive than our son's. Both will be getting something they really want, just hers is more expensive than his. Another time they might cost more or less the same, or my child's present will cost more than the partner's. As long as we get them a gift they will like our entire family couldn't care less what it costs.

Trouble is, Siope, they move.

Germanshepherdsmum

It must be lovely to live so close to children, spouses, grandchildren.

We made a choice to leave an area and home we loved to live somewhere far less interesting, fun, and beautiful, and much more expensive, so in a much smaller house, to be closer to family. So there’s a price for that niceness, which currently is still worth paying.

And I appreciate we were fortunate to have the luxury of choice, and that not everyone does.

Interesting point Cabbie21. We always treated any legacy as a family legacy and just assume our son and DiL will do the same. We also have a single daughter to consider.

lemsip For who?

It must be lovely to live so close to children, spouses, grandchildren.

As for what the daughters-in-law and I do alone… recently, been carol singing; winterised our gardens and my allotment (I need their help at present); went out for Sunday lunch; had a quick cup of tea when I was passing to do some shopping; been to the cinema, and a school play; took the grandchildren swimming. Things I’ve done alone with my sons in the same period: nothing. I have spoken to them both on the phone, and seen them both with their wives for lunch. But I am off to the cinema and dinner with one of them next week, and my husband is out for a day hike with the other today.

Christmas! all about money!

What do you and your DILs do alone? Howcome you don’t see your sons as much alone? Is it because of shared hobbies/interests you have with your DIL that you don’t share with your son?

I have plural sons and daughters-in-law, and yes, we do have different shared interests, but also they have different amounts of free time due to work and their own interests - they all balance their work, volunteering and hobby hours to manage childcare, and that just works out that my daughters-in-law are around more at times that suit me. But, as I say, I doubt there’s much in it. I see my daughters-in-law more regularly, but probably for shorter periods of time - I’ve never bothered calculating it.

cabbie21 In answer to your question, all we have is divided into 3 parts. One third goes to DS and DiL, another to DD and SiL, and the third part to be divided equally between our two GDs.

I am curious for those who mention that they do treat their DILs different than their sons if your DIL came to you and said this offended her and she felt not as much a part of your family how would you handle it?

I really like the idea that when your child marries viewing them first as a husband/wife to someone else rather than your child. I think generally after reading these responses treating them equally is the way to go to avoid hurt feelings or making them fell less important than your child.