Dilemma on Christmas Day

Go with the flow but don't do what you don't want to. It's a good invitation - shows they care about you.

I'd absolutely go with the flow, you might enjoy it!

They are being very kind and thoughtful.
Perhaps telling you what the day will be like is a way of letting you choose what to join in with and they won't be put out if you choose not to go to the pub. Stay and watch the TV or read a book.
You might even feel you want to join them or if the pub is near leave when you have had enough, borrow a key and enjoy the walk back to their house. I would take a snack.
Enjoy your day.

Can you not just stay at their house with TV/radio/book while they’re at the pub?

Personally I think a 3 pm Christmas dinner is perfectly reasonable - we never had ours before around then, and nowadays it’ll be more like 5 pm - people are that much more ready for it.

oh, just go. something different. you may enjoy it!

Cabbie they don't want you to be on your own on Christmas day. If you don't want to go too the pub don't go. They will understand if you say you want to stay in their house.
My last Christmas with my husband was 2003. It was his favourite time of the year. After the children left home for good in 2006 both came home for Christmas that year after that my daughter came on the 23rd and went home 27th my son came 31st December and went home 2nd January. As they didn't want me to be alone for Christmas and new year.

I have only spend on Christmas day on my own since then . My daughter and son in law had the keys to their first house 6 weeks before Christmas and wanted to get work done on it.

I had been prepared to spend Christmas day by myself since they moved out but they didn't want me to be alone. My brother invited to his for that Christmas but I said no. I had a nice day on my own but it wasn't special.

In the new year my daughter phoned to say we have painted your room green hope you will like it. So from then my son or usually my daughter came for me as I lived over 100 miles away and I came home on the 27th. I used to alternate between having Christmas day with my daughter and son in law and son and daughter in law.

2019 I moved closer to them. Had my last boxing day with my son , daughter in law and 2 grandson's. I was due to have Christmas day with them but my son said he would be to tired which I knew was a lie. But let it go. My daughter wouldn't let me be on my own so I had it with them. I was supposed to have boxing day at my son and daughter in law's but he asked if they could come to me and bring all the food. My daughter in law only spoke to me if I asked a question and sat crocheting all day. But I was happy to be with them and playing with my grandsons .

In May 2020 my son estranged me via email. His choice I never saw it coming.

I always have Christmas day with my daughter and family.

Sorry Cabbie this is long winded but your family are worried about you and from now on you won't spend a Christmas day on your own. As they would worry about you and they want it to be special.

I made a pact with myself. I am allowed to get upset on Christmas Eve if I need to and boy did I for well over 10 years but never Christmas day.

Cabbie for once I am giving you advice instead of you giving it to me. Enjoy yourself on Christmas day and do that for yourself and your husband. Like me you feel half of you is missing unfortunately in my experience that never fades but gets worse as the years go but. I will never be whole again But we are lucky to have loved and been loved in return. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves we had that. Grief is the price we pay for loving. My husband like yours was the only person who knew the real you and you him. And that is priceless.

Taking their dog out sounds like a great plan! Have a lovely time xx

It is my first year alone too, having been bereaved on 27th October. Both sides of the family have kindly invited me. I have however declined politely and said I would like to volunteer this year to keep busy and not to have to sit around with family who would feel obliged to make it lower key that they would normally do. I have already volunteered yesterday. I delivered food hampers all day, it was challenging but I felt so good and glad to be home when I finally arrived back here at 8pm. It showed me how the other half live too and how much we have to be grateful for. Tomorrow we will be laying the tables for 100+ guests and on Monday I will be ferrying guests about, serving lunch, ferrying guests back home, having my own lunch with other volunteers then clearing up. Perfect day which will enable me to keep my mind on the job.
I WISH EVERYONE WHO IS HAVING THEIR FIRST FESTIVE SEASON ALONE AS GOOD A TIME AS THEY CAN MAKE IT.

My wonderful husband died nine years ago and for the 50 years we were married, I always put on Christmas dinner for all our family of the past, aunts, uncles, parents, nephews and nieces who have all now sadly died a long time ago. Ever since my husband died I have spent Christmas at one son's home or another son's home.

I now know what my old mum felt like when my dad died so many years ago when we did the same for her, inviting her to our home for Christmas and other occasions but until now I never realised that she felt like a parcel being past from pillar to post and felt like she was an inconvenience, even though I don't for one minute think our family think of me that way but that is what I feel like.

I will be going over to one of our sons on Christmas day morning, have lunch and then come back home about 5 in the afternoon. I can honestly say that once I am home, I can close the door, breathe a sigh of relief that it is now all over and settle down to doing what I want to do when I want to do it.

I do appreciate being invited on Christmas day, but until you lose the love of your life, it is a sad feeling, leaving the house on Christmas day for a few hours where we spent so many years of fantastic Christmases together and I am so grateful to be back home once again after it is all over with.

After all these years without my soulmate, I still say good morning love when I get up and when I go to bed I say goodnight love and when I go out shopping I say I won't be long and when I get home again I say, I am home love.

We never get over losing the love of our life but we do learn to live a different kind of life but it is not the life we thought we would end our days with.

I'd go with a pair of wellies and a snack..take their dog for a walk and build up an appetite for your lovely Christmas meal. you could even take the dog out again after your late meal...to settle it.. have fun

You could be useful staying behind and getting the sprouts on or something so it will be ready to serve when they get back from the pub. It could work out a win/win

Good decision Cabbie, enjoy your day.
Well done win a very caring way to spend your Christmas, helping others and keeping yourself occupied, the true spirit of the festive season.

Go as a son like that so thoughtful is a gift. Don’t upset him. I have three sons and would feel like you if this was my first Christmas without my dh. Don’t be difficult there will many Christmas’s to come for you and you will hopefully get better at dealing with them. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.

Cabbie 21- I think you’re very fortunate to be invited and your family seems to be accommodating you by asking what day and time you want to arrive. If you don’t want to go to the pub offer to stay behind and do some prep. Eating a little later seems a small price to pay for their hospitality.

@marydoll, good advice but I really want to know if you're Scottish because of your user name? I love it

Yes, I would go and share the day with them. itt will be hard to cope with the day wherever you are, so it could be good to have a totally different day to the day you would have shared with your husband. But you could perhaps begin a few new little rituals of your own. I was a keen gardener and so always had a walk round the garden and noted the flowers that were open on christmas day and again on new years day. If they have quite a big garden perhaps you might like to do something like that. The clever thing about that is you can choose when you announce you are going out for a wander. so if you suddenly feel very alone in the middle of the crowd you can say you are going out for a little wander. or if that really annoying son in law starts going on about something that you dont want to get involved in etc etc. I have done that for more than 20 years and now the RHS are glad of the information from everyone to see the climate change. But you can just write a note or take a photo of things as you go round. Then of course you can do the dog walking, or do the last minute checking on cooking, so that whoever is going to the pub doesnt have to keep checking.Also you might think of somewhere that was special to you and your husband and plan a trip on a different day that would be a special day for you to visit and think of him and your time together. One other suggestion - obviously not for this year - when my sister wanted a very quiet time having had a very busy period at work and just in desperate need of some peace and quiet. So she told group A that group B had invited her to their christmas, and of course told group B that A had invited her to their christmas. She didnt actually say she wasnt going to either and then had a very restful time at home just resting and enjoying everything she wanted to on her own.! You might really enjoy going to the family in your new version of christmas, but you could do something like that, or alternatively you might have a friend who will be on their own and you might choose a totally different christmas next year and go and stay somewhere different. Hope you find something that you are able to enjoy on the day. Best wishes

I think it’s lovely of them ..
Personally I’d go along with their plans, course this year is different and difficult for you, but you may find the Christmas atmosphere in the pub nicer than you thought
Sounds you have a lovely family
Do follow up how it went..
Hope you have a very happy Christmas x

It's really lovely that your son has invited you .
Go with the flow even if it's not really your kind of Christmas .
I think that it's a generational thing !
My mother used to be incensed by late Christmas lunches and loud pubs !
I'm really hungry by that time and tend to snack a lot before the meal is served .

Never mind .

Enjoy it and have fun !

What a lot of us there are who have lost our husbands this year!

My sympathy to you all.

I chose to refuse the kind invitations for Christmas with family or friends as they all involved travelling on public transport to the other end of the country and being away from home for two or three days.

I think all we can do is try to look moderately happy while we are with others and leave as early as possible if the memories start overwhelming us. That is my plan, as I shall be having Christmas dinner with a friend who is also alone.

I hope you all manage to get just a little enjoyment out of Christmas and the New Year, said she, who has just spent the last hour crying to Christmas music on the radio!

Pubs have a nice happy atmosphere - and you don't have to have alcohol - they usually offer non alcoholic cocktails etc.

When I go to a child’s for christmas (or anyone’s come to that) I totally fit I with what they have arranged I don’t like having a meal at 3pm but if that’s what’s happening that’s what I do I m not really a pub person but if they were having a few drinks and I was invited I d go with a smile surely if they are good enough to want to involve you you owe it to them to at least pretend to enjoy it even if it’s not really your thing
Hope it’s not as bad as your are expecting

I think this sounds wonderful and you should accept with good grace at the least and you may even find you actually enjoy some parts (or even all) of it. I say this because you have not been to them before at Christmas and this indicates to me that they have given this matter thought and they actually WANT your company. It is not the sympathy vote because you are alone. Hallelujah! Perhaps you could arrive at the pub towards the end of that visit and more in time for the lunch? I'm trying so hard to be objective here as my reaction would certainly not have been yours. Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope you have a surprisingly lovely Christmas Day.

I'm on my own this year, both DDs have invited me. Part of me wants to be at home on my own but part of me is inclined to go to DD2 (DH and I went to DD1 last year). The arrangement is that DD1 will take me to church, come back here for a coffee and then take me to DD2 so that we'll all see each other then DD2 will go back to her DH and family. Will I regret it if I stay at home along? Had I died first I would have wanted DH to be with his family and not home alone. Both DDs will be happy with whatever I decide.

I hope whatever you decide Cabbie you have a lovely day.

March

I'd absolutely go with the flow, you might enjoy it!

Good advice ..

Have a virgin cocktail or a beer without alcohol or a glass of Champagne, and smile .. You shall meet people and perhaps a fascinating conversation. Keep positive !

Can be very worthwhile ..

I’d consider myself lucky to be invited…. I haven’t even had a card from my son…. 😢😢😢😢