I’m on the other side of this

My late mother in law didn’t give my husband money, but on occasion bought him things she knew I wouldn’t buy, of course there was nothing stopping him from buying what he wanted.
I was always fuming, and it always went in the bin, but at least he knew she was in the wrong.

Sara1954

My late mother in law didn’t give my husband money, but on occasion bought him things she knew I wouldn’t buy, of course there was nothing stopping him from buying what he wanted.
I was always fuming, and it always went in the bin, but at least he knew she was in the wrong.

Truthfully I think that’s why I’m pissed about it because it almost screams here let me give this to you in secret or privately because your wife will not “let” you have anything or your own. Or hey my son you work so hard but keep the money for yourself because I don’t want it going towards your wife because she’s not deserving of it.

Like once married my belief is like other posters mentioned in another thread you need to gift as a married unit once married. Also I see him first and foremost as my husband rather than MIL’s son and I guess I feel those exclusive gifts should be seen as giving them to the couple since we become “one” and a unit upon marriage rather than just treating your son like a young child who is single. The exception to that rule being for birthdays or other events that just are celebrating one person from the couple.

Maybe I’ll approach it to my MIL from the angle of making it clear as a married couple we share finances and we aren’t in any financial trouble so we don’t need any money as I want her to use her money for herself and save her money as we aren’t in any sort of financial worry.

I wanted to add I feel like she was undermining our marriage by being sure I wasn’t around when my husband received his “gift” with strings attached to it.

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

Germanshepherdsmum

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

Right $250 isn’t worth ruining a relationship over so why did my MIL basically in so many words give my husband that money behind my back with strings attached. She was the one who is ruining the relationship by essentially telling my husband not to spend it on me.

I almost wanna reach out and text her, “hey thank you so much for the generous gift WE really appreciate it and we are gonna use it towards x y and z. Getting my point across that obviously the money is for both of to share because we are married and there is no way she would actually be that rude and ill mannered to imply it wasn’t for his wife as well.

She was the one who is ruining the relationship by essentially telling my husband not to spend it on me. No, you're the one who is risking that happening because you don't know what her reasoning was. Until you've spoken to her, you're just making random assumptions about the money.

I almost wanna reach out and text her, “hey thank you so much for the generous gift WE really appreciate it and we are gonna use it towards x y and z. Getting my point across that obviously the money is for both of to share because we are married and there is no way she would actually be that rude and ill mannered to imply it wasn’t for his wife as well. Go ahead, do that. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh dear luckycharmsaregreat12...
The general advice to a mother-in-law on here is don't come between a son and his wife.
I'd also say to a daughter-in-law, don't come between your husband and his mum.

I'm presuming your husband told you about this cash gift? So he's not been secretive about it? Has he said what he's planning to do with it?
I think I would be inclined to gently tease him about it rather than get angry. It's only money after all and you say you have no financial worries, which is nice.

You know your worth in your marriage, your husband knows your worth in your marriage. Nobody else's opinion matters frankly.
Your relationship with your mother-in-law will only be ruined if you let it be. Rise above it, it doesn't matter.

Germanshepherdsmum

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

I think the OP just wants to make trouble..

After her latest post, I agree.

pascal30

Germanshepherdsmum

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

I think the OP just wants to make trouble..

Indeed.

If it were me and my DH we would make a big thing of how we enjoyed shopping together to buy him something special with the $250. After all it’s the kind of money I would enjoy having to spend on my DH (and he on me) if we had it spare.

Soooo, I’m wondering how genuine this and the MiL posts are. I think AI and someone with too much time on their hands.

It’s amazing how I’m the one who wants to make trouble yet my mil is the one coming in between my spouse and I between just gifting him money. She had to know that would upset me.

I mean my husband isn’t the type of guy to complain about me behind my back and discuss our personal finances.

Why are you jumping to the conclusion that your husband was complaining about you behind your back? Do you usually suffer from paranoia? Maybe it wasn't like that at all. Maybe, whilst they were out, your husband saw something he liked and casually mentioned that he liked it but wouldn't buy it and his mum thought that she'd like him to have it. Maybe there was no malice or spite behind this at all which, considering that you've already confirmed you've enjoyed a very good relationship with her so far, seems likely. Sheesh! Just talk to the woman and listen to what she has to say!

It’s very annoying, I completely get that, but as long as your husband has told you about it, and isn’t actually sneaking off to buy himself a season ticket to his football team, or a set of golf clubs, I’d be inclined to let it go
My mother in law was massively annoying in this way, but was generally a good person, she did care about us all, she just cared for him a little bit extra.

So now we've gone from having a beloved MIL to whom you're close, sometimes go out to lunch, phone about once a week and have a relationship with her independent of your husband’s relationship to the monetary gift being because you don't deserve it, she sees you as less than, she gave the money in secret (did your husband actually tell you that?) and she's undermining our marriage. That's some dramatic shift change! And all before you've actually had a conversation with her! Wouldn't it be interesting if she was just waiting for your next 1:1 meet up to surprise you with your $250 secret gift and before she got the chance to give it to you, you'd blasted her out for undermining your marriage!

You do seem to be wanting to make this a huge issue with your m.i.l. luckycharmsaregreat. Maybe you should be asking yourself why you feel the need to fall out with your her when all you have to do is tell her calmly and politely how you feel,.

My late husband’s mother often gave him money. I thought nothing of it. She can give her money to whoever she likes. No need to take offence or make an issue out of it.

I have been pondering this since the previous poster.
I think this may be a case of different traditions in different families or maybe it’s a generational thing. As I recall, my grandparents on both sides were each more generous to their own offspring than to their SiLs and DiLs. My parents perpetuated this approach and I think my husband did too.

Mind you, when you have steps and unmarried partners in the mix it gets complicated.

Cabbie21

My late husband’s mother often gave him money. I thought nothing of it. She can give her money to whoever she likes. No need to take offence or make an issue out of it.

I have been pondering this since the previous poster.
I think this may be a case of different traditions in different families or maybe it’s a generational thing. As I recall, my grandparents on both sides were each more generous to their own offspring than to their SiLs and DiLs. My parents perpetuated this approach and I think my husband did too.

Mind you, when you have steps and unmarried partners in the mix it gets complicated.

Right she can give money to whoever she likes but it’s not necessary to essentially say not to spend it on your wife or how to spend the money. Once it’s given as a gift it’s up to the receiver to determine how to spend it otherwise that means it’s a gift with strings which is not really a gift at all.

We have yet to hear what she said, as opposed to your interpretation of what she said. $250 is not a lot of money, given that you are both working full time. What a lot of fuss you’re making - you seem to want to make trouble and are acting like a jealous child.

You do seem to be digging a hole for yourself. Let it go. It is not worth the fall out.

Germanshepherdsmum

We have yet to hear what she said, as opposed to your interpretation of what she said. $250 is not a lot of money, given that you are both working full time. What a lot of fuss you’re making - you seem to want to make trouble and are acting like a jealous child.

Wait weren’t you one of the posters in the other post who said it was out of line for the MIL to exclude her DIL? Now when someone is on the other side it’s all of a sudden wrong for them to have feelings about it??

luckycharmsaregreat12

Oopsadaisy1

Maybe your DH told his Mum that he really wanted something but that he didn’t feel the money could be spared from your joint account?
I would ask your MIL.

I mean my husband isn’t the type of guy to complain about me behind my back and discuss our personal finances. If he felt like he couldn’t spend money from our own account and he couldn’t discuss that with his own wife and instead ran to his mother with personal marital issues isn’t that a much bigger marital problem or at least a sign of it in and of itself?

You know what Mothers are like, it could have been a passing remark about a James Bond film ‘ well Mum I’d love to go out and buy a jet ski too, but you know I couldn’t afford it’ and off she goes and gives him some money. Meanwhile he’s wondering what it was that he said that would be the reason for the gift.
I think you are reading far too much into it.

You’re not answering the question. We don’t know what was said to your husband when the gift was given, nor why the gift was given, but you don’t come across as someone who has a great relationship with her mother in law when you make so much fuss about so little. You come across as jealous and childish.

and petulant