I’m on the other side of this

I think it’s all down to the relationship between husband and wife. As long as he tells her about the gift, and they maybe have a bit of a laugh about his mother spoiling him, and treating him as if he’s about eight, then nothing else needs doing.
I do know that it’s irritating though.

I can understand family rifts more now after being on here, thank goodness I've had a lovely one, me and nh filmgoer in find, I respect boundaries and Knut she tajes rigidity, fine with that.. Poster has and had a good relationship with mil for years, yet this one thing, she couldn't bring herself to mention it to mil, how come? It's smacks to me of looking for a problem that isnt there. She's Dil, he's her son,it's a one off. Think the saying a son is yours until get takes a wife very true in many cases. Isn't there enough troubles in life to worry about than a mom making a generous, one off gesture to her son. Some mil can be dragons.

Another typo, should read me and my dil, not me and mh film goer.

No, not jealous, childish or petulant. She just comes across as someone upset. We’re all inclined to be a little paranoid or irrational when something upsetting happens. It might seem to others that the cause is a trivial one, but it just catches us at the wrong moment.

Far to much drama over a tiny little thing. For all you know, she may intend to give you money to yourself sometime in the future. She sounds a kind lady.

Allsorts

I can understand family rifts more now after being on here, thank goodness I've had a lovely one, me and nh filmgoer in find, I respect boundaries and Knut she tajes rigidity, fine with that.. Poster has and had a good relationship with mil for years, yet this one thing, she couldn't bring herself to mention it to mil, how come? It's smacks to me of looking for a problem that isnt there. She's Dil, he's her son,it's a one off. Think the saying a son is yours until get takes a wife very true in many cases. Isn't there enough troubles in life to worry about than a mom making a generous, one off gesture to her son. Some mil can be dragons.

I’m not trying to be rude or snarky in the least but I couldn’t understand half the words in your post. All I could really make out is that a son is a son until he takes a wife do you mind clarifying what you mean by that? And the rest of your post. It could be a language barrier but I just want to make sure I’m understand you correctly.

Allsorts

I can understand family rifts more now after being on here, thank goodness I've had a lovely one, me and nh filmgoer in find, I respect boundaries and Knut she tajes rigidity, fine with that.. Poster has and had a good relationship with mil for years, yet this one thing, she couldn't bring herself to mention it to mil, how come? It's smacks to me of looking for a problem that isnt there. She's Dil, he's her son,it's a one off. Think the saying a son is yours until get takes a wife very true in many cases. Isn't there enough troubles in life to worry about than a mom making a generous, one off gesture to her son. Some mil can be dragons.

This “one off gesture” was given just to him and with strings attached and the gift was given with strings and my husband was told in a round about way to not spend it on me his own wife for crying out loud! My MIL could have treated my husband without excluding me. She chose the exclusionary route. She could have presented the check to my husband and said a number of other things that weren’t exclusionary in nature such as, “hey son take this money for a date night for you and your wife.” Or, “put it towards a vacation for you and your wife.”

And yes when I just clarified with my husband he said his mom told him to use it purely for himself. Again she could have treated her son and given fun money without excluding his own wife.

We both contribute in different ways to the house hold so it definitely reads as if he is deserving of a little fun money because he works hard where as I’m overlooked and like my contributions aren’t seen as important. Why is he deserving and I’m not? Doesn’t my hard work and contributions matter as well?

Also what do you mean by a son is a son until he takes a wife. Sounds like an expression made up by a bitter mother who can’t except her son is grown and has a family of her own and that his wife now comes first and that he isn’t a little boy anymore.

I never heard the expression before though so can you please clarify what it means?

it is a well known saying, of ancient origin, at least in britain.
your son's a son until he takes him a wife, but
your daughter's your daughter all of her life.
it just reflects observed reality.
i think it normally applies to the relationship with the mother and her grown son/daughter.

welbeck

it is a well known saying, of ancient origin, at least in britain.
your son's a son until he takes him a wife, but
your daughter's your daughter all of her life.
it just reflects observed reality.
i think it normally applies to the relationship with the mother and her grown son/daughter.

I don’t get what it means though? Like the implications behind it? And how does my particular post apply to the expression?

Also I find the saying a son is a son until he takes a wife a very sexist saying why isn’t it applied to both sons and daughters? It must have been started by a very bitter DIl that her son started putting his wife before her as he should.

I didn’t understand your last comment.
It is a well known saying in the UK probably coined by older women who realise that whilst they still have a close relationship with their adult daughters, especially once they themselves become mothers, it is not quite the same with their sons once they marry.
As someone who is recently widowed, both my son and my son-in- law have stepped up their contact with me, offering help and practical support.

I am sad that you feel aggrieved by your mother-in-law’s behaviour. Honestly, life is too short to harbour grievances, especially over money. You are coming across as not just surprised and upset by an action and words you don’t fully understand but wanting to make more trouble over it. It really isn’t worth it.

You’re going the right way to cause one humongous rift between you and your mother in law.
2 more English sayings for you to ponder.
A still tongue makes a wise head.
Least said, soonest mended.
For more detail of the above, use your search engine.

I don’t think the OP wants anyones perspective, she has made up her mind and won’t be persuaded to drop it.

In the past, when money was tight, I remember my mum occasionally squeezing some money into my hand and telling me that I was to treat myself. I can't remember if she specifically added "not on Mr O or the children", but that was clearly exactly what she meant.
I thought nothing of it - I was her daughter and she wanted to treat me!

My parents and parents in law are always very vocal about any gifts given to me, especially cash, are to be used on me rather than me using them on the kids.

Honestly I appreciate that as it makes me feel not-guilty about using the money for something I want, and also it feels like they are acknowledging that I do always prioritise the kids. And sometimes I do need a new coat or new shoes etc. It's nice to not have to figure out how I would pay for them.

Oldnproud

In the past, when money was tight, I remember my mum occasionally squeezing some money into my hand and telling me that I was to treat myself. I can't remember if she specifically added "not on Mr O or the children", but that was clearly exactly what she meant.
I thought nothing of it - I was her daughter and she wanted to treat me!

The thing is though money isn’t the least bit tight and I’m not sure why my MIL wouldn’t want her DIL to enjoy a little fun money also. I could see her just giving it to my husband and saying this is a treat for us but it takes on a whole other meaning when it’s heavily implied it’s just for him which my husband made very clear she said. He is sharing it with me though because he isn’t a jerk.

I am going to follow the majority of the advice on here and not bring it up to my mil because I don’t want to cause a rift in our relationship although I don’t know if not being honest about hurt feelings is the way to go with family but I will let it go. However I am still very hurt.

I could see if I wasn’t close to my mil but even then no not really but we have a close individual relationship. We hangout and do things without my husband at times when he isn’t available such as working or what not. We text individually as well. I thought she saw me as close family and almost like a daughter but yet she excluded me from this.

I am just very hurt by her telling my husband essentially not to spend the money on me. Why would she give it to just him when I’m family too and we are close?

muffinthemoo

My parents and parents in law are always very vocal about any gifts given to me, especially cash, are to be used on me rather than me using them on the kids.

Honestly I appreciate that as it makes me feel not-guilty about using the money for something I want, and also it feels like they are acknowledging that I do always prioritise the kids. And sometimes I do need a new coat or new shoes etc. It's nice to not have to figure out how I would pay for them.

I think if we had kids it would have taken on a different meaning but we don’t have any kids and my mil specifically handed the money behind my back just to my husband and said to only spend it on himself so by default that mean as opposed to your wife.

If we had kids and she presented it to both of us or even just to my husband and said something like you guys have been so stressed and busy with the kids lately do something nice for yourself as a couple such as a date night that would have been totally differen or something nice that you guys want or need.

However she chose to be exclusionary and leave me completely out which is out of character for my mil given the close relationship we have. I feel like she is saying without realizing it that her son is deserving of a little fun money but don’t he dare spend it on me because I don’t work hard and deserve something nice for myself. Like why would she make it clear that I shouldn’t have any? Do I not work hard and contribute to my family and household also?

If she presented the money just to her son and said, “hey here is a little money for you and Suzy to have a night out or hey why don’t you and Suzy treat yourselve?”

It just makes me feel “less than” to my mil. Like I’m not as important or less deserving or don’t give your greedy wife my money because while you’re my son she isn’t actually my child.

She has always always treated me like the daughter she never had and I thought that’s how she saw me. So at this point it’s not even about the money it’s more about the principle of the matter and now she really feels about me.

I will try my hardest not to address it with my mil however for my personality that’s very hard to do because I’m a very direct and honest person. However I can’t help but pull back on the level of closeness we previously had. Meaning I won’t really be reaching out personally to text her or initiate things with her. I will still be cordial and polite and respond if she reaches out to me and in person but no once you rudely exclude me or treat me as “less than” because I’m not really blood that’s where I draw the line. We are married we are a unit I don’t want to be ignored or overlooked.

MerylStreep

You’re going the right way to cause one humongous rift between you and your mother in law.
2 more English sayings for you to ponder.
A still tongue makes a wise head.
Least said, soonest mended.
For more detail of the above, use your search engine.

No need to be rude or snarky with your last line.

I'm really beginning to wonder if this OP is a troll...

you know that's the only swear-word that is not allowed on MN/GN . . .

no I wasn't aware of that.. I've never done MN

You keep flitting between how close you considered your relationship with your MIL is and how you spend quality time together and then you say that she's undermining your marriage and sees you as less than. You say that the gift was given to your husband with strings attached and was exclusionary but you don't actually know this to be a fact because you weren't there at the time and you haven't actually spoken to her about it! You said that you would speak to her but you apparently haven't and are still leaping to conclusions, all with the same dramatic negative conclusions.

Really lucky you're in danger of making some serious mistakes here. Stop with the passive aggressive "pulling back from her", stop with the paranoid thoughts that she was deliberately doing you down, doing things "behind your back" and so thinks less of you. Be a grown up and speak to the woman. Use your words and give her a chance to use hers. Seriously you don't want to be that daughter in law that Anne Kathryn Killinger refers to so, before this escalates into something even bigger SPEAK TO HER!

This is so tedious, Mum treats son, tells him to buy something for himself, so what.
If I was to treat my son and said spend it on yourself, his partner would not kick off, but then she is a adult. I think OP you are looking to be offended.
pascale30 I think you are right and if true it is so boring

rafichagran

This is so tedious, Mum treats son, tells him to buy something for himself, so what.
If I was to treat my son and said spend it on yourself, his partner would not kick off, but then she is a adult. I think OP you are looking to be offended.
pascale30 I think you are right and if true it is so boring

I’m not a T. However yes it is hurtful when I always been close I’m not sure why she wouldn’t want me to enjoy something as well. Do I not also work hard? I thought she saw me as close family as well and like a daughter she never had.

Oh, I see that in the time that I was typing my response, you've changed your mind again and will not now be speaking to your mother in law at all but intend to continue with the passive aggressive behaviour. Ah well, we tried.