I’m on the other side of this

FannyFanackerpan

You keep flitting between how close you considered your relationship with your MIL is and how you spend quality time together and then you say that she's undermining your marriage and sees you as less than. You say that the gift was given to your husband with strings attached and was exclusionary but you don't actually know this to be a fact because you weren't there at the time and you haven't actually spoken to her about it! You said that you would speak to her but you apparently haven't and are still leaping to conclusions, all with the same dramatic negative conclusions.

Really lucky you're in danger of making some serious mistakes here. Stop with the passive aggressive "pulling back from her", stop with the paranoid thoughts that she was deliberately doing you down, doing things "behind your back" and so thinks less of you. Be a grown up and speak to the woman. Use your words and give her a chance to use hers. Seriously you don't want to be that daughter in law that Anne Kathryn Killinger refers to so, before this escalates into something even bigger SPEAK TO HER!

Again how would that book by that author apply to me? Because I don’t want to be rudely excluded?

So I just found out a second ago my husband addressed it with his mom and told her how hurt I was because I thought we were close and that she saw me as a daughter and I was wondering why she left me out and that he had to stand up for the feelings of his wife because his wife comes first and how he shouldn’t have accepted the money if it was meant to exclude his wife.

She said she absolutely meant no harm and didn’t realize it would upset me so much but she is going going to call me later to clear the air.

Your MIL might find it useful.

How would she find the son is a son book useful? Because he defended his wife’s feelings as he should!

I expect your mother in law now sees you in a rather different, and less favourable, light. So much fuss over so little. Somewhat unedifying.

Germanshepherdsmum

I expect your mother in law now sees you in a rather different, and less favourable, light. So much fuss over so little. Somewhat unedifying.

But in the other post you said it was rude for a mil to exclude her DIl

And wow I didn’t realize anyone took that super old book seriously. Blaming the evil wife for the actions of your son. Your son is a grown man and has his own agency to choose who he can talk to if he allows the “evil” wife to dictate that well he is a oh boy isn’t he. Maybe it’s time for all these mils to realize maybe there is a reason their sons don’t talk to them and the evil wife isn’t it

You keep harping on about what I may have said in the other post. This must be the third time you’ve said it. I have addressed your behaviour in this post, which has been childish in the extreme. Despite being asked to do so, you have not said what your mother in law actually said when handing the cash over. So much fuss over what is a small sum to two people who work full time. Perhaps you were right in your first post - perhaps she has reason to think you spend a lot on yourself, whilst presumably earning less as you work fewer hours, and your husband spends little or nothing on himself?

Your poor MI. I wonder if she's aware that, because her DIL doesn't have the emotional maturity to use her words and articulate her concerns and actually speak to her, she's been heavily criticised across the www and that her innocent action has been perceived to have very negative connotations? Please, wish her a Merry Christmas from me, she deserves it.

How many times do I have to say it - we are talking here about your reaction to your mother in law’s gift, not her action.

luckycharmsaregreat12

And wow I didn’t realize anyone took that super old book seriously. Blaming the evil wife for the actions of your son. Your son is a grown man and has his own agency to choose who he can talk to if he allows the “evil” wife to dictate that well he is a oh boy isn’t he. Maybe it’s time for all these mils to realize maybe there is a reason their sons don’t talk to them and the evil wife isn’t it

Are you posting on GN merely to put mils in their place?

I believe you're perhaps just anti mil.

It's such a cliché isn't it Norah? You can tell, right from an opening post, which way it's going to go down! So predictable.

Germanshepherdsmum

You keep harping on about what I may have said in the other post. This must be the third time you’ve said it. I have addressed your behaviour in this post, which has been childish in the extreme. Despite being asked to do so, you have not said what your mother in law actually said when handing the cash over. So much fuss over what is a small sum to two people who work full time. Perhaps you were right in your first post - perhaps she has reason to think you spend a lot on yourself, whilst presumably earning less as you work fewer hours, and your husband spends little or nothing on himself?

Our finances are not her concern even if I do work less hours. Even if I work a little less don’t you think maybe I contribute in different areas rather than just financial? Often the unpaid labor that does go unnoticed such as cleaning, cooking, planning etc. and even though I do work a little less hours it’s by like 10 less hours plus in a marriage that doesn’t even matter anyways since most couples don’t keep track of oh this is your money or my money but rather our money and it all comes out in the wash.

So if you’re indeed right that my mil thinks because I work a few less hours than my husband that means I don’t work as hard or my contributions around the house aren’t as important well then doesn’t that say more about her than about me?

Not to mention again it’s not her place or job to try and “fix” things and determine that I don’t make enough or my husband doesn’t treat himself enough and swoop in and give my husband fun money as if he is a child. A married couples finances and who and what they spend it on is their business alone and no one else’s.

FannyFanackerpan

Your poor MI. I wonder if she's aware that, because her DIL doesn't have the emotional maturity to use her words and articulate her concerns and actually speak to her, she's been heavily criticised across the www and that her innocent action has been perceived to have very negative connotations? Please, wish her a Merry Christmas from me, she deserves it.

This forum is anonymous I’m not doing this irl.

This isn't really about the money, is it?

What is it that actually rips your knitting about her? Because if she didn't already rip your knitting, giving your husband a wee bung to get himself some video games or whatever wouldn't matter a bit. My dad gave me a few quid for a facial/beauty treatment of choice for after Christmas (it's very busy for us and I get a bit rundown) and I assure you my husband was quite unconcerned. Giving your adult kid a wee treat is not in some way abnormal.

So, there's something else. What is it?

I'm not doing this irl well thank goodness for that. I feel sorry for your m.i.l. and hope she never discovers what you really think of her.

muffinthemoo

This isn't really about the money, is it?

What is it that actually rips your knitting about her? Because if she didn't already rip your knitting, giving your husband a wee bung to get himself some video games or whatever wouldn't matter a bit. My dad gave me a few quid for a facial/beauty treatment of choice for after Christmas (it's very busy for us and I get a bit rundown) and I assure you my husband was quite unconcerned. Giving your adult kid a wee treat is not in some way abnormal.

So, there's something else. What is it?

I already said what it is. It’s that she doesn’t want my husband to treat me and I thought she saw me as a daughter considering how she treats me so why would she just treat him and not me?

Your MIL will be mortified to know that a simple gesture of giving her son $250 can cause you so much distress and hurt.

Reading between the lines, I think you suffer from self esteem issues which has been triggered by your MIL’s action.

I have a daughter and no DIL. With daughter it is completely different. We have put a good sum of money into her own bank account to spend on their new house and I spent much, much more on my daughter than her partner for Christmas and there is no problem whatsoever.

Not to mention again it’s not her place or job to try and “fix” things and determine that I don’t make enough or my husband doesn’t treat himself enough and swoop in and give my husband fun money as if he is a child.

Soooo much projection! You have zero knowledge of why she gave your husband some cash because you won't put your big girl pants on and ask her. Everything you've written has been your supposition of what, why and how because you wouldn't be an adult and speak to her about it. Even now, when you've confirmed that she's said that she never meant her gift to be taken in the way it was, it was your husband that had spoken with her.... not you! You talk about "having agency"? You also have agency. Use yours productively. Speak directly to those that you have an issue with instead of complaining on the www with an ever shifting narrative. It's the healthy grown up way.

As you now know she didn't mean to upset you, and is going to talk to you to clear the air, why are you still going on about?

SporeRB

Your MIL will be mortified to know that a simple gesture of giving her son $250 can cause you so much distress and hurt.

Reading between the lines, I think you suffer from self esteem issues which has been triggered by your MIL’s action.

I have a daughter and no DIL. With daughter it is completely different. We have put a good sum of money into her own bank account to spend on their new house and I spent much, much more on my daughter than her partner for Christmas and there is no problem whatsoever.

But the history with my mil has been that we do have an individual relationship and she treats me almost like the daughter she never had. And even you say with your daughter you put money in her own account but for THEIR house.

A daughter and daughter in law both have the title daughter in it and shouldn’t be so far removed from each other.

So a daughter in law shouldn’t be treated as “less than” a son when she marries your son she becomes part of the family.

When you treat your son and tell him just to spend it on himself you are saying basically don’t spend it on your DIl as she isn’t deserving and doesn’t work hard as well to have a little fun money.

I mean how hard was it for her to be exclusive and say take yourselves out on a date night the two of you deserve it.

Again my history with her I thought she saw me as another one of her children. However I realized that’s not the case so I will adjust accordingly and pull back.

SporeRB

Your MIL will be mortified to know that a simple gesture of giving her son $250 can cause you so much distress and hurt.

Reading between the lines, I think you suffer from self esteem issues which has been triggered by your MIL’s action.

I have a daughter and no DIL. With daughter it is completely different. We have put a good sum of money into her own bank account to spend on their new house and I spent much, much more on my daughter than her partner for Christmas and there is no problem whatsoever.

What would your response be if your were my mil and I told her what I said on here thatI felt excluded and unimportant and less than and that I thought she saw me like the daughter she never had

so I will adjust accordingly and pull back presumably with no explanation and no concerns that what you'll be doing deliberately may well hurt and upset her, despite the fact that she had no intentions of hurting and up setting you.

I hope you've at least considered how your 'pulling back' may affect your husband's relationship with his mother, which in turn may affect your relationship with your husband.

Smileless2012

^so I will adjust accordingly and pull back^ presumably with no explanation and no concerns that what you'll be doing deliberately may well hurt and upset her, despite the fact that she had no intentions of hurting and up setting you.

I hope you've at least considered how your 'pulling back' may affect your husband's relationship with his mother, which in turn may affect your relationship with your husband.

I’m not having my husband pull back from her just me so how will that effect my husbands relationship with her.

You only seem concerned with my husbands relationship with her but not my relationship with her.

I doubt any of us is remotely concerned about your relationship with your mother in law. I can see why you didn’t post on the other thread. You want something that is all about you. But you have shown your behaviour to be so childish and vindictive that you haven’t gathered any supporters. For what it’s worth I reckon your husband works a lot harder than you and gets little out of it for himself. I bet he doesn’t have the time to send all the texts to his mother and meet her for lunch like you. If I were his mother I would be rather concerned about him and his relationship. All the more so after hearing about your tantrum over the money.