How can I deal with my friends cancelling on me?

Sometimes you have to accept that people do not want to spend time with you, either because they would rather spend time with their grandchildren or they simply dont want to and are too polite to say.

Stop issuing invites and you will see if they contact you to arrange a get together.

maddyone

Whatever the reason, I don’t understand why the people cancelling don’t suggest a couple of other more suitable dates for the meet-up. If they valued the friendship they would do that. As for the suggestion that the OP should join in a conversation about other people’s grandchildren when she doesn’t have any of her own (which is a source of sadness to her) I say no, the friends should be the ones making an effort to not dominate the conversation with talk about grandchildren, but to talk more generally about subjects that everyone can talk about. That would be polite. It is not polite and is unfeeling for people to dominate conversations talking about their grandchildren, especially to a person who has none and would dearly love to have grandchildren.

I totally agree.

Oasthouse that was so inconsiderate of your friend. Are they still a friend, even?

As Grandparent it is just as annoying for us to keep cancelling invitations. I feel bad having to cancel due to childcare issues. Our hands are tied really when parents have to work and a child is ill. Then school holiday cover. Perhaps meet up with just one instead of a large group and take it from there. As retired Grandparents most of did not expect to be back doing school runs etc again.

To be blunt and honest - and apologies as I know it may not be what you are wanting to hear - I think its time to start looking for new friends........

I can understand your hurt but my time with my grandchildren is special. I don’t see them as much as your friends do. But I have to say that if I have an arranged meeting with one of my friends then I would try and rearrange the visit around my grand kids, but that is me. Please don’t let it get to you too much and spoil your friendships.

I have two very good friends who I rarely see due to distance. One lives three hours away (on a rather challenging drive!) and the other is in America for the time being. Whilst I appreciate it's a little different, we also tend to faff and put off having chats or meeting up. But eventually we pin each other down and tonight we're having a WhatsApp video chat for the first time in months. Whilst it has nothing to do with grandchildren, I think even without them, it's difficult to save a few hours to catch up with friends as we're always chasing something. And whilst I love the idea of spending time with some of my favourite people, there is still that little voice in the back of my head asking "Yeah, but what ELSE could you be doing?!".

There is also nothing stopping you saying to these people that you're disappointed that once again your plans have been scuppered. What's not to say that they're disappointed too. Times are hard for many younger families and it's the older generation who are having to step up to the plate for childcare. I wouldn't want my children to spend unnecessary cash on childcare if I could step in and help. I also know, however, if I'd previously made plans with good friends I'd be sad they'd have to change. That said, I'm not certain that will ever happen as my kids are almost definite in their decision not to have children. Sad for me (selfishly!) but I've almost made my peace with that, respect their decisions and am exceptionally proud of everything they've achieved otherwise.

This happened to me with one particular friend, and the reason wasn’t grandchildren, but simply that she’d had a better offer! So after going through the hurt about being ‘dumped’ for newer friends, I thought about it and realised I never cancelled on her - at least, I don’t think I did! So I made it a rule that if she cancelled for no good reason, I wouldn’t reorganise - I’d say we should postpone until she was less busy. I never said anything to her about her habit of dropping our arrangements at short notice, perhaps I should have done. Anyway, this decision not to rearrange at short notice did make me feel less messed around by her, and I realised if I was always apparently happy to change the arrangement, she’d think I didn’t mind!

If I've made an arrangement then I stick to it. If there was an emergency/illness then of course that would change but imo it's impolite to do otherwise even if it turns out to be inconvenient for some reason. As others have said, I would now wait for any invites to come to you from your friends rather that the other way round. If none arrive then the friendship has reached it's end.

If you feel they are using the Grandchildren as an excuse then let them suggest the next meeting ? .. I'm not saying this to upset you but in the past I have had difficulty ending a friendship not because of any argument or a disagreement just that I felt I no longer had anything much in common with the friend ...

I have 3 grandchildren, all at school. February half term is early this year . They break up on 9th Feb, when we first became grandparents 13 years ago. We lost our closest friends, they never wanted children, so obviously never had grandchildren. My daughter was a young Mum and split with the babies dad soon after the birth, her health wasn't good either . We often got unexpected calls for help , we tried not too cancel Arrangements with our friends but their simply was no-one else to help my daughter . They got fed up eventually and stopped contacting us and ignored any messages from us, we were hurt at the time , but still feel we did the right thing for our family

Blood tends to be thicker than water. Sad for you but true!

Having known at least one of these people for 40 years, you presumably know her well enough to ask straight out what is going on.

I admit that grandparents, or anyone else, who have promised to look after school- or kindergarden children when they are off sick and the parents cannot take time off work, can be forced to cancel. However, cancelling now for a date in February hardly falls in that category.

Ask them what is going on, whether they feel the friendship has deteriorated or what. Say nicely, that you feel hurt and that you hate feeling this way and want to know exactly where you are.

I just do not get this pussy-footing around, feeling hurt attitude instead of asking, which so many Gransnetters seem to do. My father would have said, "You've a good Scots tongue in your heid, lassie." meaning ask if you want to know something.

I would never cancel a meeting with a friend because of grandchildren unless it was an emergency. My DD certainly wouldn’t expect me to if they knew I had arranged something with a friend. We’ve certainly done our share over the years though!

I think you might be reading far too much into them cancelling. Lots of my friends, and myself, rearrange social dates quite a lot. Grandchildren, illness, unexpected domestic things, so many reasons, it’s fine.

In terms of Grandchildren, this could be a variety of reasons, school shit, parents unwell, children unwell ???

Just don’t let these minor setbacks upset so much, it’s disappointing, but not the end of the world, so something nice for yourself instead, cuppa and cake and a good book, or a film on Netflix or a nice walk and a bit of retail therapy?

Maybe try asking them to give you a few dates they could do in the next few weeks and, if they don't or can't, then you have left the ball in their court and can gently move away and invite other people.
Maddyone is spot on. If they are 'good' friends they should know that you are saddened by having no grandchildren and only refer to theirs briefly.
Other people's grandchildren are frankly a boring topic of conversation and it's rude to continue this sort of twaddle. (And I have 5 who I love dearly but don't bore the proverbial off people by constantly talking about them!)

I’m sorry you’re disappointed and understand your frustration.

It very rarely happens, but I have friends who are very understanding when it comes to me having to postpone previously made arrangements. They all know that I have family members who rely on me occasionally for emergencies or support, and they know if they were in need I would prioritise helping them over having lunch with a friend or family member.

I’m all for getting things out into the open rather than overthinking things. Do you feel able to talk about your feelings of disappointment with your friends? If not then either the friendship(s) has run its course, or you need to find ways to deal with your frustrations for the sake of maintaining the relationships(s).

I have only been cancelled once by a former friend who refused to say, when challenged, why she had cancelled me and gave different reasons to different mutual friends who asked her about it.

It was very upsetting but it was nothing to do with GCs as neither of us had any at that time. She was annoyed with me over something and knew that if she came out with it she would appear petty and acting in a disproportionate way, which were both true.

If the OP's friends are always letting her down because of commitments to their GCs they should simply be up front about it and explain that it may be necessary to cancel at short notice if a sudden emergency comes up with any of their GCs.

SunnySusie - as it happens I too have no GCs and I empathise with you if I have to listen to long descriptions (or what could be described as boasting) by other people' about their GCs. If I ever have GCs I hope I will be more sensitive than that.

grandtanteJE65

Having known at least one of these people for 40 years, you presumably know her well enough to ask straight out what is going on.

I admit that grandparents, or anyone else, who have promised to look after school- or kindergarden children when they are off sick and the parents cannot take time off work, can be forced to cancel. However, cancelling now for a date in February hardly falls in that category.

Ask them what is going on, whether they feel the friendship has deteriorated or what. Say nicely, that you feel hurt and that you hate feeling this way and want to know exactly where you are.

I just do not get this pussy-footing around, feeling hurt attitude instead of asking, which so many Gransnetters seem to do. My father would have said, "You've a good Scots tongue in your heid, lassie." meaning ask if you want to know something.

I agree.

Bad manners on their part! I have grandchildren, a couple of my friends don’t. I would never cancel on them just to take my grandchild to the park nor would I prattle on about them to friends who don’t have any. What is wrong with people!

RosiesMaw

^It seems that once you have grandchildren, you no longer have a life of your own^

Oh dear what a sour and bitter reflection!
You could say that once you have children you no longer have a life of your own
Or, once you have a loving partner you no longer have a life of your own
Or once you have friends..etc etc
A life of your own can too often be a life on your own and part of loving relationships is spending time with them, putting them first, giving (and receiving) love in return. And you do this out of choice -not out of obligation or duty.

So by all means rejoice in your life of your own remembering it can too often end up as a sad and lonely life on your own.

I do so agree…Family almost always comes first I’m afraid, and sorry to say this but if you did have grandchildren you would understand they come first!

Dear SunnySuzie, please don’t be upset, lots of reasons for some friends to postpone or cancel a meal or an outing.

Some people are just rude, and that’s absolutely no reflection on you, and some grandparents grab every minute that they can with their grandchildren because they know that they will grow up soon, and the children won’t want their grandparents around as much. Some grandparents, I’m afraid, are bullied by their children into caring for the GC but won’t admit it to you. And as some have said, some friendships have run their course, I’m afraid.

I seem to have two sets of friends, and one set have children and grandchildren and the other doesnt. But frankly there are rude and or forgetful people in both groups! Just depends if you want to keep in touch with the temporarily absent or rude or forgetful ones!

I now keep in touch with some people via WhatsApp or Facebook mainly because I know that getting to see them at the moment may be more difficult, particularly if they have GC.

Please don’t get despondent, lots of points of view on this thread, so hopefully you will follow the ones that helpful to you! 🌷🌷🌷

I don’t think being a gran is the problem more the type of person they are. For what it’s worth last week a friend phoned to say they were coming to our town to go the dentist and wanted to pop in. I was busy in the morning but said ok to the afternoon and she said she would be over about 4.30 for a drink and sandwiches, even discussed what she wanted in them. Well she never turned up. A week later she told me it was because she had a blood shot eye, she was upset at how much her dental treatment was going to cost and she needed to take her grandson food shopping. Also asked why I didn’t ring her to find out where she was. So now after about 30 year friendship I have decided to cut ties. It’s just plain Rudeness.

Now that I’m in my senior years I find the commonality with my friends that has been our bond for 25-50 years - some never had children by choice - we’re all free as birds.

Older adults are also seeming to prioritize their social universe by scaling back, making life easier. Does that mean shedding friendships too? In some cases, yes. Overbearing, needy, narcissistic, overly sensitive individuals are being cast aside for calm, easy-going, relaxed friendships … because life is too short for negativity and drama.

We have grandchildren, but my daughter will always ask first if we’re busy, before booking us in, if I’m committed, Grandad aka MrJ will step up.
There seem to be an awful lot of Grandma’s helping out, but not many Grandad’s, I realise not all women have partners, but some must have, don’t they all help with their grandchildren?
In an emergency, either or both of us help.

The grandparents are all knackered! Maybe find some interests with different friends. Often it's hard as we want to help as grandparents, we usually take on more than we should. The only thing I can say is as a grandparent you're very aware that when you're with them they take up all your attention. Therefore you're reluctant to invite a friend along who doesn't have grandchildren because you feel responsible to the friends to chat to them, whilst you are busy looking out for the grandkids and thinking about what you're going to feed them when you get home etc. So any other responsibility at the time is just too exhausting to entertain. So don't take it personally. Maybe this is the opportunity to branch out a bit.