As a mother did/do you put your children first?

I hope I was always there for mine when they needed me, and I never let them go without anything, but yes, we fitted round each other as a family. When they were little that meant we didn’t go out much, and took them to child-centred places, and as they got older they became more independent. When I worked with students I saw too many young people who had ‘helicopter parents’, and I don’t think it did them any favours.

Yes I always did put my children first and always would but I don’t believe my children knew that or had any expectations
It’s just to me that’s what being a mum means

Yes the children always came first, then my DH then my parents. Now I’m even further down the line as the DGC come before me too.

Yes, we put our children first. My view is that when you have children they’re the picture and you’re the frame. Same with grandchildren.

Of course you put your children first because they are young, defenceless and totally dependent on you for a long time. When they are adults they should have acquired the skills to fend for themselves.
Self-interest to put your spouse first.

I married my second husband after an abusive dreadful first marriage. Before we married I made it perfectly clear my children who were very young came first. I brought them into the world and it was my responsibility to look after them.

Have (almost) always put my children first, my husband and own mother always fine with this

Can I say having put mine first now and then they have also been brought up to be responsible and respectful. They are all without exception making me very proud as Adults doing very well in life and still all close enough yet very independent.

My children first but I also ensured they knew how to sometimes put their parents first.

Yes my boys will always come first no matter what age they are. Also my grandkids when I was married I would have said and him but he was a waste of space and you don’t see these things when you in a relationship you got your blinkers on. You brought them into the world and watched them grow to make you proud and marry and have their own children that love is priceless how can anyone else come before them.

I think it is in a mothers nature to always put their children first. It is just a natural thing to protect them and want to do what is best for them. I am sure that starving mothers in Africa make sure their kids are fed before themselves. I am not saying we should not have a life of our own but in terms of priority my son and now my grandsons will always be first in my thoughts.

Depends on circumstances, but I always think the advice that you get on flights is useful: 'blow up your own lifejacket first'. If you don't look after yourself, you can't be of use to your children. OK, these are very specific situations, but I think it's sometimes useful as a general rule.

Wheny 3 DC were children I always put them first. Now they are adults with their own homes I put them high in priority but sometimes put myself and DH first. I'd always be there for DC in times of real need though.

Depending on the circumstances I would put my husband first, obviously had the children been ill then I would prioritise

It changed over the years. As babies and young children definitely, both DH and I put their needs above our own - so sleep deprivation and holidays, days out etc suitable for young children were the norm. As they grew older not so much - it very much depended. Now as mature adults, it is an equal relationship, with us all (the whole family) supporting each other and providing assistance and care as needed.

When people say 'put them first', what do they mean?

To me, there are different ways of viewing it. Always giving them their way, and letting them dictate how things are done is one way, and considering the impact of family decisions on them and acting in ways that are likely to benefit them is another.

As examples, which might not be the best ones, we took a friend of my daughter on holiday one summer, and she was used to being 'put first' by choosing what to eat for each meal (I had checked for dislikes with her mum), what to watch on TV at night and what to do every day, and was upset not to be indulged. We negotiated that sort of thing, and my children were used to going along with what others wanted - particularly on holiday where options were more limited and I couldn't just get something out of the freezer for refuseniks. That is what I meant by my first example, and no, I didn't put mine first like that. I think it can result in adults who are bad at relationships as they can't compromise or deal with not having everything on their terms.

The other way might include turning down a job because it would mean moving house at a time when the children were doing exams, or going to a parents' evening about option choices instead of a party. We did put them first when it came to those things, as doing what we wanted to do may have impacted on their lives.

How do children brought up in the first way learn to be parents who can be there for their own children in the second?

Yes definitely when they were children - those early years are formative in the adults they will become and how fulfilling and happy their lives will be. Childhood is not the only element in this - they make their own choices too, but it is hard to overstate the importance of a happy secure childhood.

Putting them first is definitely not spoiling them with every thing they might want to have, eat or do. They need to learn they live in a world where we take account of our own needs AND the needs of others.

Applegran

Putting them first is definitely not spoiling them with every thing they might want to have, eat or do. They need to learn they live in a world where we take account of our own needs AND the needs of others.

Yes, that was my point. I just wondered if posters might be at cross purposes.

Certainly until they are adults, I regard it as a parental responsibility to always want and pursue the best for them. Not necessarily what they want but what is beneficial for them.

Casdon

I think it depends what you mean by put them first.
If you mean would I die myself rather than see one of them die, yes I definitely would.
If you mean let their father cope with them when they were wanting me to be there as children if I was going out for the evening, I’d go out.
I don’t think becoming a mother means you should lose yourself, and you have to separate their wishes from their actual need for your direct care.

This! There's a differnce between needs and wants. Pandering to their every whim does them no favours as they just demand more and more. Being a good mum requires you to look after yourself too.

Yes I always have and probably always will, but I’m a single parent with a ND teen

Widowed young I was told many times that I had to carry on because of the children. How rediculous. If I gave up then what would happen to the children?
No one would take 4 of them on. I had to survive as my family couldn’t survive without me. So no. They didn’t come first. I did.

joannapiano

We have three children. I always put my husband first, and still do.

Oh gosh no.
I was brought up with parents who put themselves first all the time. I am the youngest of 4 girls.
I think times changed in the 1980s when children led parenting became the norm. But I would never think a Man of the family should come before children.

Well said jaxjaky totally agree with you