As a mother did/do you put your children first?

My children’s needs (not necessarily their wants!) always came first, often to the detriment of myself. I chose to become a mother and I considered that part of the ‘deal’. Unfortunately my husband did not have the same attitude which partly explains why he became my ex long ago. He would often imply that I should ‘ choose’ between himself and our elder daughter (who was at a truly dreadful wild child stage at the time). I do not have to tell you how THAT turned out!

In a word, yes! When they were young their needs came first... As they grew up depending on circumstances. Now adults with their own families I still put them first, on occassion, as I do with my grandchildren.....

My DC are both grown with families of their own. I am happy to say they have always come first to me and my DH. We reap the rewards ten fold in the love we receive in return from our DC, our GC and their much loved wives.
Family is everything to us. This must sound smug and boring to some of you but you can't change the way you feel can you.

When my children were little and unable to manage for themselves, they always came first. When my children were older, it depended on the situation. Now they are adults with their own children, my mother takes precedence as she is now as vulnerable as when they were little. At some point, my poor long suffering husband who always puts me first, will get his turn!

I most definitely put my children and husband first. My rational is based on the fact my father died when I was 6 and my mother when I was 15, so I’m only too willing to do whatever I can because life can be taken so quickly that I want my children to know they meant everything to me and I know my husband feels the same way.

Yes always, even now if I am plating up food and the last plate is a bit less than the others that's always mine.
Comes as instinct to me.

My children almost always came first but a couple of times I had to go into work when I should have been with one of them due to illness. Still feel bad about it but the child, now adult, doesn't remember and thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I feel there is a season for everything in life. Children do not ask to be born. It's a choice made by another human. So when they are young and dependent on you, you have to put them first to the extent that you are positively able to. A mother's happiness and well-being are a main factor in the emotional health of offspring, so there are limits to not prioritizing one's self. However, generally speaking no one should choose to have children if they aren't aware that these little people will come first. Lot's a younger people today see their small children as opportunities to get 'likes' on pictures they post on social media. Young children are treated like fashion accessories, so I am not surprised a parent of a young child today would would be unaware that the children should come first.

Having said that, I find the some older parents of young adults don't realize when it's time to cut the cord and put themselves first. This is an issue that did't seem to be a problem for my grandparents generation. Lot's of issues with role confusion (grandparents wanting too much involvement in raising grandchildren). Issues with grandparents running themselves into ground providing childcare and still working full time. Many older parents are destabilizing their own retirement while providing unreasonable amounts of financial assistance to adult children. Basically, there are too many older parents putting themselves last even after the children become adults.

I believe you put the children first when they are young and dependent, but cut the strings and get your life back when they become adults. Better for all parties involved. There is a season for everything.

Yes, children come first

As a parent of a child with a disability I have never put myself first. Before she was born I had 3 boys and always put them first to. They are now in their 30s and I will always be there for them all. My husband works long hours and works away a lot, so the lions share of care landed with me but I was happy with this.

Husband first,
Children second
Dog third
Me last.

I had my Mum’s example of always putting us first. I never considered any other way of raising my daughters and was criticised by work colleagues and even my own sisters for having this attitude. However, the results are plain to see and a great source of contentment to me. Despite my being a single parent, with no help from their father, they are both very successful in their chosen professions, happily married and settled in their own homes with families of their own. I don’t have to worry about them. I know that I did the very best I could. As a teacher for 40 years, I witnessed some of the results of children being way down the list of priorities for some parents. Not good.

Always

I remember as a teenager a friend of my Mother's telling me there were two sorts of women. Those who put their children first and those who put their husband first. She advised me to always put my husband first (if I married) as otherwise he would 'stray'! I did marry and always put my child first - and yes he left me. However the very same woman who spent her life always deferring to her husband (who I recall was creep) was left by him just after he retired...

Of course mothers put their children first but only up to a point. That point is when you're going to injury yourself in some way - then you have to start putting yourself first, and if you do not in a short time you won't be able to do much for anyone else!

I would never put myself first to the detriment of my children and still feel guilty if I can't be there to help them (they're now 38, 36 and 34!)

Pre-school, the children came first. I was a SAHM during those years, but I was always conscious that DH found it a strain to be financially responsible for us all. I was glad to be able to retrain as a teacher to relieve him of that strain.

those who put their husband first, then the children, can you give an example please, of where this played out.
thanks.

Of course! No brainer!

Yes I do put them first and I have found that, without thinking about it much, I’d put my darling granddaughter first too.

I don’t know if I put mine first all the time but she is the most important human being in my life and I give her a lot more consideration than I was as a child. I try to make her feel secure.

yes Welbeck…my husband first, my daughter puts her husband first and I see my DGD puts her boyfriend first - and all as it should be IMO!

I learned through watching my parents put one another first and never, ever, thought that my brothers and I were the most important things in their minds. Why would we be?

We were loved, fed, watered, properly cared for and brought up to be responsible, capable (in most senses of the word) independent adults who don’t trot back expecting handouts, childcare or emotional support at the first sign of difficulty.

My dad is still alive and is always ready to listen (with a tut and a cluck at intervals) and has taught me to be the same with my daughter and hopefully, her with my DGD.

Sometimes you don’t have to choose a side but wait for events to overtake a decision…

Always have done, always will. I had them to love and care for and make their lives happy with no worries if I could. They’re well grown up now but I still would move heaven and earth for them and my grandchildren.

nipsmum - that’s where I went wrong, I think.

Husband came second to children. Hence I am happily divorced. But don’t regret it one wee bit.

Primarily what children need is a happy healthy mum

So it's a balance

Mum's need a break occasionally so it is good to have some self care

It really depends on the context... The child must have their needs met as a priority. Food, clothing, warmth, shelter as well as their emotional needs met in the form of love, attention and time. Sometimes our needs need to go unmet for children's because that's our responsibility

Adults, adults are different. We should not be going without our needs for adult children's. If we are then something has gone wrong somewhere.