To say to my son and his wife that we can't look after their kids that week

katienana1 They really have you under their thumb don't they? Your second post is really just a repeat ofyour first post. Despite everything everybody has said.

It is as if none of us had written any advice that you go on holiday and leave them to sort their lives out, which is rather dishearteing.

Your DiL's parents have clearly got the measure of their daughter, which is highly commendable, people can be very blind to their own children's faults, and have said they will do no babysitting.

They say there are none so blind as those who will not see, and, I am sorry, but you fall into that category. You have all the advice you need up thread. Act on it.

Unless I have misread your post, your DS and DIL rely on you and your OH for childcare during the week AND at weekends when they both go off to sporting events?? If that is correct then you are being well and truly taken for granted.
You are not being unreasonable in wanting to book a holiday and really, if doing so inconveniences DS and DIL for a few days - that's tough.
Where would they be if you and DH were not around? There is a reason that her parents have refused to do childcare obviously and it is time you followed suit - continue to be a doormat and they will always walk all over you.

So many grandparents held to ransom!

I mentioned a couple I know who bought a fantastic big camper van to be able to go off at short notice to anywhere they fancy.

They have used it once since last Sept for a weekend because now their daughter needs them to dog sit! Her Mum dare not say no to her.

Book your holiday today! You need a break. Sounds like your family have plenty of breaks already.
We all like to help but there are limits. Your son could book a day off. What would they do if you were ill. Company’s now give emergency days off, either of them could use one of those. Have a good holiday.

Their children, their problem. You are already doing too much for them and not encouraging them to grow up and be parents. Take your holiday and stop paying for theirs’.

Primrose53

So many grandparents held to ransom!

I mentioned a couple I know who bought a fantastic big camper van to be able to go off at short notice to anywhere they fancy.

They have used it once since last Sept for a weekend because now their daughter needs them to dog sit! Her Mum dare not say no to her.

Yes, this kind of behaviour constantly amazes me, children or pets, the number of parents who are subservient to their children constantly amazes me.

I think these parents, from day 1 have adopted a parenting ystem that means that their little dears have every wish and whim catered for, in case they might otherwise have an unhappy experience. They end up with this monstrous cuckoo in the nest that even a an adut expects to be treated like a child.

My chidren know that we will always be there in an emergency, but it would never occur to them to demand and expect us to ease their way through their adult lives by being constantly on call whenever they wanted us.

It can also be because some fear the repercussions if they don't do what their AC demand expect M0nica. We do see cases here on GN where the threat of not being able to see GC is directly stated or intimated.

How/Why do folk get themselves in such predicaments?

Smileless2012

It can also be because some fear the repercussions if they don't do what their AC demand expect M0nica. We do see cases here on GN where the threat of not being able to see GC is directly stated or intimated.

Yes, but why are the children likely to make threats like that? Usually because they have been brought up to be utterly selfish and think like that. And who will be responsible for that? Their parents, who, have usually indulged their childrens every wish from birth, so that the children getting their own way in everything, and threatening if they don't, is baked in.

Blackmail or not I agree 100% with Monica.

We have done several days when they have needed to go away, DIL parents have never covered this, I did it first when GC1 was 8mths old. Anyway, at the end of August this year we are doing 6 days while they are away, DIL's parents don't want to help. Normally to cover hols we all go away together, and we pay for the hols too. The week after they are away we would like to go away and miss our regular day for childcare and have asked if this ok, not expecting a negative. But our DIL has said it may be difficult with her work and can't ask yet because the person that authorises this is off sick at the moment. I need to know to book it but feel really guilty that it will make them stress about it if I say I need to know now. There is only one holiday home available in the place we want to go so I feel we need to book soon. Am I being difficult

No, you're not being difficult.

However, you're daft giving even one thought to son and dil - they're not giving one thought to you. Perhaps quit childcare on demand.

Our GC and GGC are here often, nobody demands, they ask politely.

I won't (typically) do anything apart from my husband's business books on Mondays, everyone knows this - nobody asks for anything except out of the ordinary /emergency childcare on Mondays.

Mondays, when we're on holiday, or a day when I have to go to town? They had their children, they sort out childcare, not our responsibility.

Just say "no thank you" and get on with your booking.

Don't make her parents part to your dilemma, not your business what inlaws do, in fact they're correct - perhaps emulate them!

What blackmail?

Boring bits I read, blackmail is fascinating and I missed it?

I agree with M0nica, too. Adult children threatening their parents by using blackmail is actually shooting themselves in the foot, because if their parents call their bluff or if they actually do carry out their threats, who’s going to look after their offspring? - Oh, of course, they are themselves!
These adult children need to be given boundaries just as much as children do, and need to understand that their offspring are their ultimate responsibility, not the responsibility of the GP’s.

emotional blackmail, I should have said.

I must be daft - how was emotional blackmail involved?

Norah

I must be daft - how was emotional blackmail involved?

The dil teeling her mil how difficult it was for her to find out of she can get cover for the week in question is an attempt to make that the mil's problem as well as hers and her husband's. This is certainly unfair and some people would call that emotional blackmail.

Clearly it has worked up to a point with the OP because hse was hesitating to book her holiday when really she shouldn't have felt the need to do thst.

The implicit "but how will we manage?" attitude is used as emotional blackmail.

Baggs

The implicit "but how will we manage?" attitude is used as emotional blackmail.

Oh. Nobody should listen to talk of that nature.

I gather my ears don't, or perhaps refuse, to hear blackmail. I will apologize for anything, won't be told to waste my time.

I'm a fully functional adult, my parents finished advising at 16.

Our AC have no reason whatsoever to raise, advise, or blackmail us.

Smileless2012

It can also be because some fear the repercussions if they don't do what their AC demand expect M0nica. We do see cases here on GN where the threat of not being able to see GC is directly stated or intimated.

Quote
Smileless2012

It can also be because some fear the repercussions if they don't do what their AC demand expect M0nica. We do see cases here on GN where the threat of not being able to see GC is directly stated or intimated.

That's what I meant by blackmail Nora.
The backlash is too often " If you don't do what I ask (refuse to look after their children) then you can't see your grandchildren anymore.

sharon103

Smileless2012

It can also be because some fear the repercussions if they don't do what their AC demand expect M0nica. We do see cases here on GN where the threat of not being able to see GC is directly stated or intimated.

Quote
Smileless2012

It can also be because some fear the repercussions if they don't do what their AC demand expect M0nica. We do see cases here on GN where the threat of not being able to see GC is directly stated or intimated.

That's what I meant by blackmail Nora.
The backlash is too often " If you don't do what I ask (refuse to look after their children) then you can't see your grandchildren anymore.

Two can play that daft game. It's bad behaviour.

Ours ask politely. If we couldn't see theirs -- oh well.

I'm not a slave to GC childcare. Didn't have them, don't have to raise them, and frankly find it silly to accept bad behaviour.

Norah the problem often arises because of the way the children are brought up. They are brought up to expect to have their every wish granted, and know no other way.

Of course we do not know whether that was what has happened in this case. There may be other reasons.

But like you, my children were brought up to understand that we were a family and at times all of us had to accept we had to defer our wishes to the wishes and needs of others.

We have never lived near enough to our children, to be anything but emergency cover, when several days help is required. But I have seen the extent to which DDil's mother helped with DGC when they were young and how they were careful to limit the help they asked of her, because they knew she had minor health problems and was over 70, to know that their attitude to asking grandparents for help was focussed on our welfare and not theirs.

It must be much easier saying 'no' when you don't have to worry about emotional blackmail sharon, and while we are of course responsible for how we raised our children, it doesn't necessarily follow that we are responsible for the adults they become.

M0nica

Smileless2012

It can also be because some fear the repercussions if they don't do what their AC demand expect M0nica. We do see cases here on GN where the threat of not being able to see GC is directly stated or intimated.

Yes, but why are the children likely to make threats like that? Usually because they have been brought up to be utterly selfish and think like that. And who will be responsible for that? Their parents, who, have usually indulged their childrens every wish from birth, so that the children getting their own way in everything, and threatening if they don't, is baked in.

Well, I don’t think that’s always the reason why ACs can be so self centred and selfish.

Whatever the threats they issue.

But, OP. I would say that your son and DIL need to start parenting properly, and you need to book whatever you want to book.💐

I never said it was always the reason, I said usually, which is not the same.

Smileless2012

It must be much easier saying 'no' when you don't have to worry about emotional blackmail sharon, and while we are of course responsible for how we raised our children, it doesn't necessarily follow that we are responsible for the adults they become.

To be clear, I never said I raised my children any better than anyone else raised theirs. I merely said what we won't do - childminding on demand.

I'm fairly sure most people want the best for their children. For us that meant Catholic school, strict rules, and not many choices.

Our GC have lots of silly choices, Catholic schooling, and a looser hand - they are all just fine young and middle age people.

People have free will, they become fine young people in most instances, many in spite of their parents failures. That said, I wouldn't be "blackmailed".