Missing friends, feeling lonely

Is the gym/pool a council run one or private such ad those attached to a hotel or golf club?

We found we made no friends at the local pool but at the one attached to the hotel we see the same people every time. As the coffee, tea and so on is included in the membership you see the same members relaxing afterwards. Adter a few months it felt less cliquey as everyone chatted with each other.

I think you need to persist being friendly, open up a bit about who you are so you are less of a stranger. If you go regularly I think people will see you as belonging and then there's the opportunity for friendships.
I haven't really wanted friendships from my "swimming buddies" but some go out for meals once a month and I've been invited. There is someone there I always chat to and we are planning an outing this next week.

I think it's a case of persisting with your favourite activity until you really become part of it.

I think the aquarobics class is the one the women meet in a lot at our gym. They are all open and chatty afterwards.

I don’t know how long you have been doing your various activities but friendships do take time.

Thinking of you 💐

My daughter and son-in-law found that they made lots of friends in Ireland. They are both English.

My daughter's husband got involved in a charity which ran a food bank and he did some helping out at a sports club. Having children obviously helped but my son-in-law said he's never felt so much part of the community as there.

He also did some voluntary advice sessions for other local charities around data protection (which is one of his areas of expertise). Is there some skill you have to offer I wonder?

Ziggy62. Have a lovely weekend with your daughter. You seem to have tried so hard to make friends and socialise. So sad to hear that you are feeling lonely, and a pity you can’t move back to your old home town. As suggested, becoming a volunteer, working with other like minded people and maybe helping people with various problems, could be the answer. I do hope you find a resolution. Please keep in touch. 💐

Do you have MeetUp in Ireland. Choosing an activity you enjoy usually helps with making friends. Artists are very friendly if like painting/drawing.. and volunteering... I've always found my Irish friends are friendly but also very tribal.. I think it takes time and persistence..

she's been there 9 years.
no lack of patience, persistence, i think.

welbeck I think we read how long the OP has lived there - but I know that someone seen and chatted to every Tuesday and Thursday for a year or two is very different to ocxasional visitors to an ordinary gym.

Also, working in a voluntary capacity is generally a good way in. We don't know how long Ziggy has stuck with the groups - or what sort of groups even- and as she has told us she finds it hard I think that going enough times to be properly included may be the key.

If you are fit enough and interested, a walking group is what really helps my friend in Suffolk. She has made several friends through that.

Can you look at volunteering opportunities if you haven't already done so?
I don't think it matters where if it's something you can contribute to the friendships can follow.

Thinking of you ziggy. 💐

welbeck

she's been there 9 years.
no lack of patience, persistence, i think.

that's what I meant by tribal.. it seems to take many years in some areas.. so you either persist or move somewhere more cosmopolitan and inclusive

Unfortunately I'm unable to join a walking group as I'm waiting for a knee replacement but the ones I looked into are organised by the church lol.
I've been looking into volunteering at the children's ward at our local hospital as I used to be a nursery nurse.
Sadly the cost of property means we can't move back to my home town in England.

Ziggy62 I'm so sorry you are finding this difficult.
What about a local drama group? They are usually "up for" things.

Are you Southern Ireland - ? I'm assuming so.

Have you had a look on "Meetup"?

www.meetup.com/find/ireland/

Here's a volunteering site -
www.volunteer.ie/

And a friendship site - I haven't used this but it may be worth looking at...
bffinder.ie/

Sadly, I think it’s more to do with age than location. I think people in their 60s are settled in their family/friendship groups and not looking for new friends. I’m in the same boat - widowed, moved to a new place, joined umpteen groups. Everyone in each group is friendly, but nobody wants to meet up outside the sessions. I’m just resigned to pottering around by myself now.

I hope all goes well with the knee surgery Ziggy and also volunteering in the local children’s ward, which should be very rewarding for you. When I mentioned moving back to your ‘home town’, I meant where you lived before in Ireland. Presumably, you still have friends/family there? Is that a possibility for you?

I don't know whether you could make a breakthrough by volunteering for a local charity in someway where people work as a group, perhaps a wildlife one if you like that sort of thing or in a charity shop or local museum/national trust type operation.

I'm another who knows what you mean, I did join one local group but that sadly closed and I hadn't been there long enough to make any actual friends. Small village, mostly older people who have lived here for donkey years and none of them very lively or seemingly with any interests outside their village life. I also live a couple of miles out of the village so don't see any people passing by on the busy road. I've lost all confidence to try joining anything else on my own.

No it's not just you .

I think that some areas are unfriendly .
It's really unfriendly where I live in the UK .It didn't used to be .
It's getting worse .
Our local club is now only open to those , who hire it for special occasions .

It could because you are English , though I have found the Irish contingent in my family very friendly and welcoming .
We don't have an exactly glowing history as we colonised Ireland since the times of King John .
I'm really ashamed of it .

Just a thought , but are you Catholic ?
Would going to your local church help ?
We welcome every denomination at my church and offer many social activities to which many come , but not to the services .There is no obligation .

Maybe other people feel as lonely as you do .

Take a deep breath and send out some afternoon tea invitations and see who comes .
You can always freeze that extra cake !
You just might make some new friends .
Wishing you lots of luck .

The volunteering sounds a good ste if you are able to. When mine were at playgroup the mum of one of the playgroup ladies used to come along and just sit and help the children dress up, read stories to them, give them a cuddle.if they were sad, my son loved Nanna Doreen, she helped him settle.in and was always there to do whatever was needed, all while sitting down! Every little one needs a nanna sometimes.
Or going into school and listening to reading, round these parts it is much encouraged to have volunteers come and listen and encourage them. Our local.library has volunteers too, both with children and adults
Always worth trying meetup. Although when I tried it what I learned was that I didn't much enjoy going to a bar, a restaurant or a coffee place with a load of strangers, that I couldn't hear peoperly, at least I have it a try. I tried a couple more groups but the walking group was more for the fit and the group for going to events or concerts together never seemed to be going anywhere I could get to
Do they have the U3A in Ireland, it's not that interesting round my area but a friend's U3A group go on some wonderful outings, have great speakers and do fun things. If I lived nearer I would for sure join them

Do you live near Ballymoney?

In some communities families are so large and close knit that their lives revolve purely around their families. They will be friendly and polite but their down time is spent with family.

I am half Irish and I do know this is true of my clan! It is always someone’s birthday, wedding, hen party, First Communion, christening, baby shower etc.

It is also very true of the Asian community.

I used to volunteer in a charity shop (only because my daughter volunteered me) and I was the youngest there. Many of the ladies were retired and quite lonely. Some really good friendships were made outside of volunteering.
You could give that a try. Or what about joining a Befriending scheme. My cousin does that and meets up with a lonely lady every few weeks and they both have a good old chat. She looks forward to it.

You sound lovely. Why don’t you mention that you are missing having friends to people you chat to and see how that goes.

My people are mainly Omagh and Newtonards areas. Where are you?

Ziggy are you in north or south you haven't said. I am in the North in Ballymoney. My daughter livesvin Hertfordshire and is coming home this weekend also

As others have said, it’s not just you. I experienced the same situation when we moved to a new area. Everyone had their own group of friends and didn’t need me. I tried several groups WI, NWR etc., I wish I knew the answer for you but it isn’t you.

Ziggy. Just a thought. Maybe you could meet up with local gransnetters?

I think the post covid world had made for less social interaction generally. People were forced to be isolated and many social groups closed and have not reformed.

Sounds to me like you’re doing all
the right things - must be frustrating. I lived in Spain for 6 months, joined a gym and made friends with the ladies there. Was included in coffee outings, meals out etc. I sing with a choir and some of us socialise outside of that.
It’s just finding something where you have a common interest which can help x

It's very difficult to make friends when you're older. After a certain age people usually have little inclination to explore new territory, including new people. They don't see the value in expending energy beyond their long established/tried and tested routines.

I do wonder if it is also partially due to you being English. You say your DH's family left your wedding reception early which is a bit unusual in any culture.