Missing friends, feeling lonely

I belong to lots of things but also find that people are very friendly at the group, exercise class, U3A class, volunteering, or whatever but reluctant to turn that into a closer friendship. The only real friend I have made since I retired 8 years ago is someone I met in the first Covid lock down. Just when you would least expect it. Pure chance really as I was allocated to her house to provide support. It wasnt until the lock down ended we had a proper conversation, but then we really spent a lot of time together and supported each other through the following two lock downs. There is something about shared adversity which creates a bond I think. It was easy to make friends when the kids were small and us mum's were all in it together surviving the sleepless nights and terrible twos. Maybe we are all in our comfort zones now. Quite sure its not just you Ziggy.

I totally understand, I found that too when I joined a group, when it was time to leave that was it for the next four weeks, everyone went back to their own lives. I did ask about having days out and we did manage to get it sorted but I found that some of the group members were bringing along their friend, sister, mother etc. so they were sitting with them and never interacted with the other group members. It never happened again.

I think people just want to get on with their own lives and not have to bother about anyone else.

No real advice to offer because I seem to be much the same. That's despite having lived in the same smallish town in the UK for over 40 years. In the beginning, having small children brought me most of my friends, as did joining the PTA and being involved in several local things. Once they were at secondary school I went back to work full-time and I rarely had time to socialise. The final full-time job I had was 45 miles from home and apart from not being around to socialise with my workmates I fell out of the habit of keeping up other than a handful of friendships locally, similarly with friends who moved away. Sad to say, somewhere along the line I seemed to upset a few "close" friends, but despite asking them (and others) for a reason, none was ever forthcoming. I tried inviting them to things but they always declined.

I took early retirement 15 years ago age 59 after caring for my mum with dementia who died, and threw myself into local politics and my U3A, but despite people being friendly none have wanted to get any closer. Of course, I've also lost the few friends I kept to either dementia or death and now feel I've got almost no-one to call a friend. For the past six months I've been going through cancer treatment and though people know about it hardly anyone has enquired how I am doing, let alone offered any help.

I'm lucky to have two wonderful daughters but they are both busy with their own lives (and one is 200 miles away).

Then again, most of the people I meet nowadays are widows and widowers and I am still with my husband of 5 years, so maybe that makes a difference.

No idea what the solution is, but I do feel lonely a lot of the time.

As others have said, it does seem to be the way things go at our stage in life. I'm a volunteer with an amateur theatre company which provides most of my social needs. Sometimes I have minor acting roles but there are a range of behind the scenes jobs, too, to support productions. I work with the props team once a week, mending, sorting, cataloguing, etc and also help with Front of House duties during the run of a play: selling programmes, checking tickets, etc. Social time in the bar always follows a performance. Would that be of interest to you if there is an amdram company in your area? (acting not essential)

When I first retired to Torquay, Devon, I joined The Red Hat Society which was a very friendly group of ladies which helped me to settle in although I'm not actively involved now. Here's a link to explain who they are:-

redhatsociety.com

I hope you soon find those closer acquaintances with whom you can enjoy outings.

In Ireland (where I live) the library is a great social centre, hosting book groups, knitting and crafts ones, language groups etc. If you want to form a group for your own interests they will encourage you very much. I have a son and a daughter working in the libraries, and my lately died son did too, so I know what a boon they can be for the shy and lonely.

It's not just you.
We are friendly and sociable.
We moved to a nice village 7 years ago. We have tried going to clubs, getting involved in the local church and a community group. We haven't been able to make friends with anyone. I would love to go out for a walk, have a friend round for a cuppa, maybe even be invited to the parties people tell me about, but never invite us to, I have even invited folk round for a cuppa but they never turn up.

It seems that a lot of people nowadays do not have the skills needed to be sociable unless it's within their own tight little world.

I will continue to say good morning to people we regularly see, when we are out on our daily walks and, who knows, someone might even stop to chat. I won't hold my breath, though.

Ashcombe

As others have said, it does seem to be the way things go at our stage in life. I'm a volunteer with an amateur theatre company which provides most of my social needs. Sometimes I have minor acting roles but there are a range of behind the scenes jobs, too, to support productions. I work with the props team once a week, mending, sorting, cataloguing, etc and also help with Front of House duties during the run of a play: selling programmes, checking tickets, etc. Social time in the bar always follows a performance. Would that be of interest to you if there is an amdram company in your area? (acting not essential)

When I first retired to Torquay, Devon, I joined The Red Hat Society which was a very friendly group of ladies which helped me to settle in although I'm not actively involved now. Here's a link to explain who they are:-

redhatsociety.com

I hope you soon find those closer acquaintances with whom you can enjoy outings.

I have seen coachloads of theRedHat ladies arriving in our local town. No idea where they were from but they were like excitable puppies! 🤣 i asked one woman why they were all wearing red hats and purple clothes and she explained. They were going round the shops, having lunch out and just enjoying themselves. Not for me as I don’t like red or purple 😉

I’m 66 and have made more friends in the last year than I did in the previous 20. But I’m lucky because I live in a beautiful bustling town (St Albans) and the town centre is minutes away from my home. My street is a real community and very friendly.
I smile at people and initiate conversations. I’m also fortunate enough to be a recovering alcoholic (yes, I do mean that!) and AA is like a tribe and I’ve formed several deep friendships there. I keep in touch with friends and family who are far away (some in different countries) on WhatsApp and FaceTime can be almost as satisfying as meeting someone in person.
So I know I’m lucky and you sound like a lovely person who I’d want to be friends with! It doesn’t get harder to make friends when you’re older, it’s largely down to circumstance. You’re obviously ok with technology so I’d suggest using social media to reach out. I’m on Instagram and engage with people on there too.
I’d say I’m an extrovert/introvert as I also love my home (I live alone) and my own company. Someone once said that reading meant they never felt alone so pick up a good novel!
Wishing you all the best.

And you don’t mention having a pet. Get a dog (or a cat). Dogs especially are beautiful companions who love you unconditionally; always there, always affectionate. I’d be lost without mine ❤️

I think Sarahr's comment about people generally not having social skills is spot on.
It's something I must work on.
Someone I study is Grandmattie on the morning post.
Also I think people are less keen to entertain in their homes
? Security reasons or because every is supposed to have an immaculate home these days.
No it's not just you!