Advice on MiL and new baby

Tuaim

You are a new mum. It is your baby and still very young at 4 months. Your MIL has had her family. It is now your turn to be a mum and hers to be a grandmother. Set your boundaries firmly but politely and stick to them. I would be using the phrases: We are fine, I am fine. We can manage this. I'll let you know if....etc The problem is if you let something become a habit, it will be a lot harder to break down the line. Please be strong, stand up for yourself and your baby and forge a life for your little family. Don't allow yourself to be railroaded by other dominating people. This is your life and the time with your children is so short. Enjoy and make it yours. All the best.

I agree with this ^

You are the most important person in your baby's life.

A quick Google leads to information that solid foods can be bad for a newborn baby. They can increase the risk of illnesses like diarrhoea. Trying to give solid food to a newborn shows a lack of sense that would put me off letting that person have the baby on her own for some time.

I will definitely stick to your guns. I would be pleasant but firm.

*would definitely

Show these messages , especially from Sky17 , to your husband

TBH I would make it a rule that you visit her in her own home, then you can walk away when you have had enough.

Enough of dropping in on you.

The husband is the crucial person here, as he is the father and should be parenting on an equal basis.

On the reverse side my son was excluded from caring for his child from day one. Mum even told me she didn't need him now she had the baby.

I could see what lay ahead and my instincts were right. I am just trying to say that a baby has two parents.

You mention that you don't see your own parents that much. Do you see other people, especially other mums? Breast feeding does not mean other people can't help with the childcare.

I know I was grateful for any help I could get with my babies. It is hard and persistent work. Grandparents do have an important place in your child's life, but it is about getting the balance right.

I think you need to find that balance, but you have to include your husband too.

Thank you eazybee - the thing is, I have felt instinctively that the behaviour has been out of order (as you have clocked), but I have genuinely doubted myself because of the constant implications that I’m not coping / not well - I have experienced anxiety since becoming a mum in quite a big way (mostly around people coming to see the baby who are unwell / have cold sores etc). MIL has implied that my not wanting to leave the baby with her is linked to that, so I’ve genuinely been questioning my own thoughts at times. She can also be generous, so it’s not as straightforward as I’ve put in here - the examples are just some of the picture (I’ve never posted on an internet forum before and can see the pitfalls of it for this reason.)

My own mum has dementia so I can’t talk to her about it, hence coming here as a bit of a cry for help.

Huge thanks for the advice.

I think you're coping admirably in very trying circumstances joanna, your husband too as it cannot be easy for him seeing the impact that this his mum's behaviour is having on you.

Continue to stand your ground and as Skye has posted, be pleasant but firm .

Just noticed the comment about feeding solid food to the baby get the baby 'off that breast'.

For me that would be the red warning lights, bells and klaxons. Any one, let alone a woman who has had a baby, who thinks and talks like that, has got a serious problem, not mental illness but serious hang-up about something and I would not let her out of my sight while she was in the same house as your baby.

We all know that 'breast is best' and that has been the mantra for the last 50 years at least. The recommendation that weaning a baby onto solid food should, ideally not start until 6 months, has been standard recommendation for several decades.

I think it might be an idea to talk about this problem with a Health Visitor or someone at a mother and baby clinic. This sort of talk from your MiL, suggests someone whose thinking is seriously disordered.

Dear Joanna, thank you for your response.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum's dementia; it is sad that you cannot share the joy of a new baby with her and hear about your own babyhood.
Do you see friends with young babies? They will put mother-in-law problems into perspective very quickly.
As for wanting to give a breast-feeding baby a piece of bread; the child could choke! You are absolutely right not to allow the baby in her sole charge.

Hmmm
.

Your MIL is a very complex woman she is also completely out of order!!!
I know how difficult it must be for your DH but he really must step up to the plate and GET HER TOLD!!!!!
sounds like your MIL may have a mental health issue , that being said she needs putting straight.
Of course you are the most important person in your baby's life!
You have been very patient but now is the time to stand up to her. If it results in her never speaking to you again then that's a bonus !!

Has your Mil ever had any mental health issues, documented or otherwise? The excessive possessiveness rings alarm bells.

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your MIL. This is a special time for you with your baby and her interference seems to be negatively effecting it. Please stay strong and fix your boundaries with her. She sounds pretty uninformed to me and I would worry letting her have sole charge of a baby. Maybe DH can help with setting the boundaries (time to stand up to her he's a daddy now) and I agree that you could spend time with other mums/new babies who will share their experiences and advice. Good luck!

I wouldn't let her in the house

That should be the last resort JdotJ when all else fails.

How dare she! Her behavior is outrageous. Many mums continue to breast feed until the child is one or even two. We had a friend whose daughter occasionally demanded to be fed until she reached 4 or 5

The anxiety you feel about cold sores etc is completely normal anxiety. I remember being exactly the same.

You need to start putting boundaries in place. Get yourself a good social life with other Mums and enjoy yourself. Your dh needs to have a word with her as it isn't fair on you.

The key here is your dh.

The main issue is your mil has always been behaving irrationally

You set up your boundaries that as a mom, you need. Do not take mil into account. Protect your child, that is your mission

If your dh balks, drag him to therapy

Stick to your guns girl.

You have been extremely patient with MiL but the time has come for you and your husband to sit her down and tell her the score. She is being quite worryingly unreasonable. If she lets you know when she wants to visit put her off a few times, don’t always be available, try to see her when DH is there too. You are a great Mum and, most definitely, the most important person in your baby’s life. You have your priorities right and it’s normal to be anxious with a new baby, you sound sensible and I’m sure your anxiety will lessen as time goes on. Good luck!

I suspect your husband needs to firmly tell his mum there will be no more visits without him, no more drop ins, no more talk of food, and he will choose when the meet ups in mum's home will occur. He should be in control.

Are you able to go out or are you too anxious?

This advice Get yourself a good social life with other Mums from JaneJudge is excellent.

Go to the library for "baby time" there and look up local groups for mums and babies - and if you possibly can, make yourself Go to a few.
I know how truly liberating it is to be a new mum with other new mums.
All of you will be anxious about something and soon you will feel yourself again.

Also, if you are out she can't drop in on you!

Well I’m so pleased I posted here - thank you all for the generous feedback and advice.
I think I need to make some pretty big changes - I’m going to toughen up and start standing my ground. I’ve also realised I need to get out more and find more mum friends! I didn’t realise it but I think I’ve been a bit ‘locked in’ with DH’s family…
I’m going to have a serious conversation with DH (who is a fabulous dad) and we will work out a strategy together.
Huge thanks to you all x

Stick to your guns. Tell MiL she will be the 3rd most important adult in toddler's life soon enough, but that baby will feel tension, which will affect grannie/toddler relationship.

Yes, joanna get out more and find more mum friends!

Make yourself do it!
It will be good for you but also for your little one who will grow and develop alongside other small people. You will see that you all have struggles you're dealing with and even if they aren't all exactly your "chosen" friendship group you will support and encourage each other and believe me, it's amazing to just have someone who understands to chat to. You need someone to celebrate small successes with - and to moan to!

I made new friends when we moved 100s of miles with our 4 month old...
They weren't all people who I was naturally drawn to but I honestly still love them for our time together when we were all learning to be mums.
I still see one of them occasionally and exchange emails or messages with two others. We have a sort-of shared history.

I think we are all pleased here on Gransnet to hear you have support from your husband... Yes. You do need a bit of a shared plan - but if you do manage to get out and about that will help.
Also, don't give up with mum and baby type groups if you don't make "friends" on day one. If you go back a number of times and try to just be yourself I'm sure you will find people to at least have an adult conversation with.