Advice on MiL and new baby

Thanks so much NotSpaghetti - you’re so right. We have also just moved across the country (to be nearer PiL - if only we’d known !), so I haven’t quite found my feet yet, so your words of encouragement have really landed. I have been a bit out of the loop locally but I can see now how being around others will likely make this issue feel a bit smaller than it currently does.

What a lovely, supportive forum !

I'm sorry but I would refuse to see such a person and I would lock myself in my bedroom every time she pushed her way in past my DH. She is so wrong and you don't need this abusive, bullying behavior. She is walking all over your new role as a mother, upsetting the natural bonding with your child and she is undermining your marriage. How dare she!

Buy a new knob for your bedroom that locks and explain to your husband that you need "a break" from his mother. (You married him, not her).

joanna1990 you are way smarter than your MiL and way smarter with your child. Don't let her tell you how you should be a mum. Follow your instincts. Trust your instincts. That is part of being a mum. Everyone else can just bugger off.

everyone else meaning: HER

joanna1990 It is good to see so much thoughtful and helpful advice on here. My daughter used to occasionally, when I crossed a line, give me a ‘Paddington hard stare’ and say ‘MY child’! I am not suggesting your MiL would respond to that but I hope that you can get through to her that she abides by your wishes regarding your child. ‘Off that breast’ is an appalling attitude and offering solid food dangerous as she should know. Wishing you and DH great happiness in parenting YOUR little boy.

joanna1990

Thanks so much NotSpaghetti - you’re so right. We have also just moved across the country (to be nearer PiL - if only we’d known !), so I haven’t quite found my feet yet, so your words of encouragement have really landed. I have been a bit out of the loop locally but I can see now how being around others will likely make this issue feel a bit smaller than it currently does.

What a lovely, supportive forum !

Joanna1990. This is all about you and your family now. You will make your own future with your own decisions. You will look back in years to come and be pleased that you set your boundaries as it will give you more confidence. Someone I know who is a psychologist always used to say: Just keep repeating the message. i.e. I am fine, thank you. I am fine, thank you. As time passes it will become easier and then you will also use it in other areas of your life i.e. the work place, amongst social groups etc.

I can remember my own mother trying to wrench my baby out of my arms. She was told no and to let go, but persisted. I was debating if I could keep hold of my baby while smacking her hands away when she finally let go and stomped off in a huff. Nothing like having an under a week old baby turned into a tug of war rope!

I have no clue what gets into people sometimes when there’s new baby involved. My MIL had a list of demands for when she came to meet our baby, including that I pump so she could feed baby and leave with my husband so she could have alone time. This from a woman who claimed to need a walker to get around, and our baby was six months old and over twenty pounds by the time she met him! (She lived in a different time zone and didn’t travel in the winter).

I swear, some folks lose all sense.

I stick by my assertion that grandmothers from hell, such as the one outlined and others mentioned here, should be banned if they are unable to behave appropriately around a new grandchild. Maybe some of that comes from the heart, when my grand daughter was born, the maternal grandmother was in the delivery room, first to hold the baby, my son, the father didn't get a look in, that was only the beginning of other proprietary behaviour too numerous to mention.

I have no empathy with overbearing matriarchs who usually wield some sort of hold over their own children. Fact, to become a grandmother, you have had your shot at being a mother. Take a giant step back, that is the role of the grandparent, to support, not to takeover. A grandmother, in normal circumstances, is not the most important person/s in the baby or child's life, that is the role of the parent/s. It is not a grandparent's place to undermine the parent/s and how they are trying to establish routines. Since we became parents, some things change, research is being done all the time on certain issues, for example when I had my children, we were directed to place the baby on their front when putting them down for a sleep. Findings relating to cot deaths, had reversed that by the time my grandchildren were born and the directive was to place them on their back. Grandparents don't know everything, even if they think they do.

I don't get the whole "I must be alone with the baby" why? it's not a grandmother/s to play mother vicariously with. We did look after our grandchildren when they were babies, only at the parents request. As for massively over stepping the mark with unwelcome advice about weaning the baby off the breast so the grandmother can have her "me" time with the baby and the wrenching baby out of the mother's arms or running off with it, crossing big red lines there. Until she develops a more reasoned approach, I say "yes" ban her and quite frankly get your husband to step up to the plate, particularly as to the personal remarks, and to all the other ways she appears to be undermining you otherwise it'll get worse. You're clearly a very tolerant person OP, but you're dealing with someone who is essentially unhinged. You are the rational one in this relationship, it's time to take control and frankly you're in the driving seat.

Best wishes to you and I hope you enjoy your time with your baby.

Warning lights showing from moving across country to be nearer to Pils; ‘locked in’ with DH’s family…
You need to start laying down ground rules now, the most important of which is mother in law does not 'drop in' regularly, she and presumably father-in-law come by invitation only, as you wish to bond as a new family and need time alone, also to get to know new area (and make friends of your own).
Resist every attempt, however small, to gain control of the baby until you feel comfortable with her attentions, and never let the baby go without you to the PiLs home. Carry on with the breast -feeding as long as you feel able.
Her son is back within her reach and she is attempting to control him. Focus on new friends of your own age and family orientated activities and build a new life together.

My mother was the opposite to many mentioned

She would ask to hold the baby, take some photos then give them back.. absolutely never hands on or huggy, never changed a nappy or fed them.

When we visited they weren't allowed in her house unless it was raining and spent the whole time being told off for playing and laughing too loud

Lol I have read enough to know there is a happy middle road to take

Not excusing your mil behaviour but it struck me that her expectations may have raised because maybe her friends and family see their grandchildren often, look after them from very young, days out etc etc, so she assumes that will be the same fir her.
She does need to be told though, ideally by her son, or at least by you both together.

He may be conditioned to see nothing wrong with his mother's conduct, but a good husband would open his mind to listening to his wife if she is becoming distressed by his mum's behaviour. We all have our own background and baggage. We cannot just expect our spouses to accept those dynamics.

It's quite manipulative and malicious for to her question your mental health so that she can play mummy with your child alone. The irony is not unnoticed since she herself sounds unhinged. Time to strengthen that backbone of yours, my dear. Reduce her visits and relegate them only to when her son is home to host her. Practice closed-ended statements with her until she gets the hint that you are no longer going to debate or defend parenting practices. "No thank you, baby is fine with mummy." Just keep repeating until she gets the hint. Contrary to her delusions, you are the most important person in your baby's life. She's clearly jealous of that. Calling you "walking food" was her way of trying to convince herself that your baby would be as attached to her if you didn't breastfeed. This is definitely an internal issue. Not excusing it, but she seems pretty desperate to relive her baby care years. It's all a bit mental really. Standing up for yourself is a really good way to prevent PPD and PPA. You'll be nervous at first, but you'll be happier for it in the end.

To add, I would make sure you don't lock yourself in on a schedule with her. Once a week in the presence of her son is far more than enough visits for her, and I wouldn't never solidify a particular day. Remember that you don't have to have a visitation schedule with anyone at all. No one is entitled to that, and locking in schedule will feed her raging sense of entitlement. She is obviously a controlling person and controlling people pounce on any avenue to they can to exert whatever degree of control they can.

However did your husband survive infanthood with a parent that feeds newborns solid food?
She's OTT, & needs stopping before she does something majorly dangerous to your baby!
And she needs to be made to acknowledge that this is not HER baby, she us NOT in control YOU & DH ARE!!
I honestly would not trust her out of my sight, so stand your ground and let her know YOU'RE THE MUM/BOSS, she's just the MiL/grandparent!!!

I had this with my own mum I couldn’t pick up my son without her telling me what I was doing wrong etc in the end I had to be firm and remind her it was my child not hers and I think that’s what you going have to do support each other and sit her down and tell her or write it down and say read this pls. I’ve never done it with any of my grandchildren in fact I’ve watched my dil mums doing it and I’ve told them the same and they said can’t it’s my mum. So Ive said eeh trying to work out who’s child it is etc that worked

Whatever you do don't leave her alone with the baby till you have weaned as there will be comments about that and probably will try to give food to show you.