My friend drains me

My parents in law were very tedious, boring to death I should say. No social life at all, not wanting one, because "we only care about our own" - my husband an only child. At a certain point I started taking some knitting of patchworking. I can perfectly hold a conversation while doing either of those. They hated it, wanting my undivided attention, but I persevered. Told my husband : it's this or I don't go with you anymore. He understood. Visits were every week and for several hours.

I’ve read that we are sponges, or radiators.
I know someone who is definitely a sponge, it took me a while to realise this. We went on a day trip, as always she sat in the window seat, spent a lot of the day ‘finding a loo’, decided she was unable to walk, groaning, so we went in a Harvester at lunchtime, where she ordered a cup of tea. I had lunch, then she joined in, so it took hours. The penny dropped, she wasn’t going anywhere at all, she’d decided to be a misery, spoiling the day, so I left her to it. Never again, end of. ( But I made sure I got the window seat on the way home.)

How about trips to the cinema or theatre with her? Less time for droning 🤣

FND or 'functional neurological disorders can be very debilitating for the person, because there does not seem to be a medical explanation to account for the symptoms that the person is complaining of. All tests and investigations do not provide any answers.
So I can totally sympathise with how you are feeling. I agree with the posters who say that you should both meet outside of the home, and that should help you enjoy the encounter more, and thus feel less guilty than perhaps you do now when you meet up.

We are a group of four friends who meet up pretty regularly through the year for lunch. Similar ages all with grown up children and grandchildren. One of us has always dominated the conversation rabbiting on about people none of us know and in whom we have no interest whatsoever. We have all been very good natured about this but as we have got older we are all finding it very draining. We now go to the length of planning subjects we will bring up to try and divert the conversation. We love this lady and would never be able to tell her how we feel. To make things worse she has recently been widowed. None of us are perfect, everything will continue as before.

I have a friend who constantly talks about herself her family and her life dramas. I listen politely offer sympathy and advice if called for I totally indulge every aspect of her life. However if I have something going on in my life and try to mention it she will either completely ignore me as if I had not spoken or just talk over me when I am speaking. She has zero empathy for any situation other than her own and never ever asks about my life. It's draining.

It's not always about people being disinterested in others.

My great-aunt was a trial to be with when she got older. She appeared to have zero interest in anything outside of herself.

It took some time to figure out that she was almost deaf and was as a consequence getting divorced from the outside world as she was getting no audible stimuli. She didn't realise how deaf she was, she lived alone and only saw a few visitors a week.

eazybee

Is it possible to take someone else with you in order to keep a more cheerful conversation going? I had a very kind friend who had a friend like yours, and she used to visit with other people (me included) who would maintain a resolutely positive conversation, introducing new topics for the duration of the visit.

Conversations with three are sometimes difficult unless the 3 have shared experiences/friends /interests.

Thank you all. Cinema is a great idea, not much room for conversation!

I think that being a kind and empathising person you feel sorry for her - and in being nice meet up and end up feeling totally exasperated and exhausted .

I met one of my friends a few weeks ago .
She chose the day , time and the venue .
As I hurried to get there in good time -she was on the phone .I nearly missed the bus .
She was busy - was I going to be on time ?
She met me at the bus stop frantically listing her activities for the day .
We were supposed to have lunch instead we had tea and a cake whilst she talked AT me .
It was the usual :
the problems , the illnesses, the phobias ....
I burnt my mouth with the tea and the cake stuck in my throat .
Then , she followed me out of the cafe still talking non stop .

Now she's having a major sulk and not communicating with me .
I just deleted our messages and I can see just how one sided our relationship is .
She is one of half a dozen people that I've befriended and ended up feeling totally frazzled .
I've lost count how many Get Well cards with plants ,flowers and chocolates I've taken to her house.
I've been ill for a year and not once has she asked me how I am .
There's a list of things that we were supposed to do and didn't not the to mention the films that she's talked through and her snappy comments .
When she wants to sell me something in a couple of weeks no doubt communication will be resumed .
There comes a time when you have to distance yourself for your own sanity .

I have an acquaint who talks incessantly and it is draining, moreover when it is negative talk or you can't get a word in edgeways. Also she doesn't listen... she interrupts when I am talking, which is terribly rude. I don't see her often fortunately. Friends have commented about her too, but I don't want to add my penny's worth because it might come back to bite me.

funnily enough i met a friend last week who is the same as this, i try to limit it to every 6 months although she would like it much more regular than this, it took her a whole hour to describe her daughters move to a detached house, from the entrance hallway ,to the fantastic en suite bedroom, even the toilet got a mention the next hour was all about the returns on her husbands pensions, and what they are spending it on , i came away absolutely drained and made my mind up on the way home to never go again , id sooner be in my garden reading a book, much less stressful BTW people change she never used to be like this.

I have a friend in the village who is divorced and lives alone. She spent over an hour once describing her son’s new house, even though she hadn’t actually been in it! During lockdown I rang her occasionally for a chat. After an hour or so of being told things she had told me previously, I’m afraid I either made the excuse that I was desperate for the loo or had to get a drink.

I’m glad I’m not on my own feeling like this but would add could I be that friend!

This thread made me wonder too how people see me…. I have some lovely friends and am always interested in how they are and their news but wonder if I go on a bit sometimes🙈 Maybe I’m too chatty and do love to chat about gardening and my DD1 & 2 and grandchildren …… I have an old work colleague who dropped me, so maybe I am boring😂

Living alone seems to mean being less aware of the impact we have on others. I know I talk too much in company and do try not to, but is quite hard.

Friends/acquaintances are, so I am told, either Radiators or Drains. I gave up on a long term Drain who only wanted to tell me about her illnesses in detail, whereas Radiators enhance my life and I want to listen to them and they in turn listen to me.

GrannySomerset

Living alone seems to mean being less aware of the impact we have on others. I know I talk too much in company and do try not to, but is quite hard.

If I'm nervous I tend to talk rubbish 😂 For some reason my brain doesn't engage and I just say whatever comes into my head without thinking it through. Thankfully friends and family know me well enough to shut me up.

Yes, radiators and drains is such a good analogy! I really think that you’re either one or the other but I think you can go too far trying not to be a drain. That’s what I do; I’m so conscious of trying not to bore people that I rarely talk about myself. Getting the balance right can be difficult.

I heard a radio advert the other day that said that 8 mins is all it takes to cheer someone up and stop them from having lonely feelings and also helps you as well but it said no shorter and no longer than 8 minutes on the phone or in person. ! I thought about it and thought that was actually a good guide to not getting embroiled in conversations that sap my energy and make me feel down rather than energised !

I never have people round for coffee but felt so guilty lately that I invited my neighbours for next week. Then I spoiled it by saying at least that will get it over! Kicked myself.They've had me 3 times to pristine houses.

at a friendship group I was telling about help with a subject that I'd googled previously when a person looked me in the eye and said in a pointed fashion you're very knowledgable aren't you, I felt she was calling me a big head not realising I had googled it , she is not into online things. I was hurt.

There can be a fine line between friendship and being a carer if a friend becomes very needy! You have to think about your own well-being as well as your friend’s, and only give the amount of time you are comfortable with.

I do have several friends who I find quite draining, and I’ve had to learn to say I can’t meet up at the time they’re suggesting, so that they’re not relying on me quite as much.

I made the decision to distance myself from my extremely selfish friend .
I stopped myself going over with flowers and a card .
Then , having reread her last messages -guilt set in .
I'm supposed to be a Christian .
It happened that I had two ports of call on Saturday and her house is nearby .
I had an hour to spare and decided to pop over .
She was rude , ungracious and unpleasant . I felt uncomfortable .
I think that she sensed that I was fed up though I said nothing .
But I'm sure that she's suffering from severe depression over her health and her totally exhausting , demanding family .
She needs to say no to them , but isn't going to .
More things were delivered for her highly manipulative dishonest son .
He lives in a house that she relied on for rent .
He and his wife have full time jobs , but bleed her dry .
She continually lists all the things that she buys for him .
Her daughter also works , but is a high functioning autistic and is very demanding and regularly stays trashing the house . She phones all the time .
At her age , she needs to enjoy life and isn't.
I can be understanding , but it's a one - sided friendship .
She's actually offered to take me on her next supermarket shop as her husband will drive us .
I guess that she's trying to be nice to me in her way .

Also, bear in mind that she may be in the early stages of dementia. I had a friend who went from day to night in a matter of months and became totally obnoxious and, whereas she was once quite a star, her brightness reversed to total negativity on all levels. As she could no longer have good hollies, eat out, be admired, she got totally p*ssed orf and let it out on those around her. I withdrew.