I’ve noticed many posts about paternal grandparents feeling left out, and I hope I don’t come across as a stereotypically villain daughter in law here.
I'm reaching out for some advice on handling a challenging relationship with my husband’s parents. I have two children, both born just before and during Covid. Before having kids, I felt close to my husband's parents.
Since our first child was born, they started to avoid communicating with me and only go through my husband, even about the children. Tensions started to arise and interactions with me became non existent. I believe it came down to their expectations as grandparents - and I’ve been villainised for not meeting them. The change caused a lot of grief - the loss of a parental relationship for me, arguments in our marriage (arguments over feeling rejected).
My mother-in-law, in particular, has distanced herself and on the occasions we see each other in person, she makes very obvious conversational points on comparing me to her other daughter-in-law, often pointing out how she divides time equally between her own parents and them (in-laws). Subtle digs here and there when my husband is not in the room… pleasantries are kept to a minimum and feel very impersonal.
We live about two hours away from them, while my own family is an hour away. I work part time / primary carer of the kids, I also naturally see my family more often (perhaps twice a month). It’s a shame for the children that I do not have a better relationship with my husbands parents. My impressions are that they had expectations that I haven’t met, and I feel villainized by them and the extended family because of this (other family members are “off” with me).
The time we have with my side of the family are not intentional to hurt their side, its simply how the cards have just fallen this way and how the dynamics have played out. My family also make the effort to be more involved (they travel to us more often). We are otherwise on our own and quite a distance from everyone. We visit my husband’s parents when my husband is available, which is about once every month or two. Is it 100% equal? No… is it deliberate? No… do I feel like they are villainising me for it? Yes…
They are unchanged in their own efforts, and we have no more physical time to actually give up for them ourselves. My mother-in-law seems bitter towards me, (and me alone) - about the contact she has with our family. My efforts have always included sharing pictures - our drive has over a thousand photos of the kids since birth. I will normally get a response to these regular picture uploads about once a year…
2 years ago I tried to blow out the tensions and I explained that I felt there was tensions, no efforts to communicate or want a relationship with me and I didn’t feel like I was part of their family because of it. I explained that I didn’t want the kids to be affected by any issues they had towards me. They didn’t respond well, in fact, I could tell that the whole family was off with me even more so.
It’s now been a long time, and I'm mentally / emotionally exhausted and not sure what specific advice I'm seeking. What can I say in response to subtle digs or general disregard or interactions? Will I get villainised more if I say something? I’m convinced they just don’t like me at this point, and it wouldn’t matter what I’d say anyway.
I’ve always remained polite, I don’t respond to my mother in law trying to bate me at all - I smile, nod and carry on…. I have no doubt at all that the dynamics would be completely different if we all got along.
Thank you for any insights you can offer.
