Expressing your pride in adult children

Totally understand doodle. I’ll be interested to read thoughts as so far I can’t find my own solution. I do try to express my pride in them as people in birthday cards, other than that I struggle.

Phew! Thanks Cornergran. I was worried that nobody would understand.

I acknowledge what my AC have done -tell them I’m proud of them, congratulate them, but not in front of each other.
They have faced very different challenges, and achieved different things, so we acknowledge or praise their own particular milestones separately.
It doesn’t stop them praising or empathising with each other.

Mollygo precisely what I was about to say.

Doodle please do praise the achiever. I saw the other side of this as I was academically much brighter than my brother. My parents were so concerned about him feeling inferior because of this that everything he did was praised while nothing I achieved was commented on. Consequently I grew up feeling that nothing I did was good enough.

My three are as different as chalk and cheese and chips. One is a high achiever, can't help it, just comes naturally; I praise him for his ascent up the professional ladder but also for what a brilliant dad he is. Another I praise for overcoming losing everything in a scam and pressing on despite huge challenges, for being a lovely single parent and for supporting a homeless friend. The third I praise for lighting up everyone's life wherever she goes with her personality and for advising me on pivotal decisions I've made in where I live. And I tell them all how much I feel loved by them. All this is done when they're on their own. Hope the detail helps! 😁

I’m proud of my son in particular because he has turned out to be a kindly, sensitive person with a high emotional intelligence, which to me is more important than the undoubted success he has achieved in his job. I am also proud that along with his lovely wife, he is a brilliant parent to his two small children.

Totally understand Doodledog. Mine have achieved many different things, but all of them require me to think about how to praise their successes without making the others feel less important/ of worth to me.

That's an interesting one. Its a lovely feeling to be proud. Achievement can come in many forms.

I tell my son and my grandaughter they are lovely , kind, caring, my son is a good father, my grandaughter is a carer I am proud of the people they are that is what I tell them.

My children aren't academic but wonderful humans who have suffered losses in life at a young age.
I am proud that they are warm , caring.hardworking individuals.

I also tell my daughter in law she is a wonderful mum, because she is.

It seems to me that it reasonable to praise success in exams or graduation, or to congratulate them for completing a project or sporting achievement. You commiserate with those that are less successful or never win sports, only the minority ever win its taking part and trying your best that matters.

Just don’t over praise the winners or compare then with the less successful.

I want to acknowledge that but without suggesting that they need to achieve something to gain approval. I want to praise the achiever without suggesting that the other one has to compete, if that makes sense
It does indeed make sense., Doodledog and I second the idea of praising them privately and in their own company rather than “isn’t it wonderful what Xx has done” which I’m sure you don’t do.
I have 3 daughters, each high achieving in their own way but I remember D3 starting university saying glumly “I’ll have to get a xxxxy PhD to match the other two” after her older sister got a First.
However I also know they are each proud of they others’ achievements but they have come at different points in their lives and fortunately they are in totally different fields.
What I have said, privately of course, is how proud I am of the way they are bringing up their families, happy, and well adjusted children - the teenage nightmares are perhaps still to come,- but that in itself is one of the greatest achievements any young adult can be proud of.
But do praise the achievements- I have a friend whose father presumably loved her but perhaps out of misplaced modesty or not wanting to boast, whatever she did his reaction was to say That’s only what I expected of you, or if she got 90% in an exam, Well done but why not 95%, in other words she felt that nothing she did was good enough and that has stayed with her all her life.
Oh it’s a minefield, parenthood!

How do you let a high-achieving child know you are proud of them whilst not suggesting to a sibling that you don’t love them just as much?

I do say they should be really proud (not me - it's not my achievement). But I also make sure I praise them regularly for things they have done and obsticles overcome. If it's small but significant to them I still do it.

Sometimes I do it on the family WhatsApp group but it's not personal on there. I might say "Whoop whoop Congratulations on your exam results X"

When one was really struggling she said how lovely it was to be reminded of the things she is good at so I put it in a message if they aren't physically with me... and I try to praise them especially when life is tough "I believe in you, even when you doubt yourself - I think you can do this as you have dome something likr this before - when you did x y z - but am here for you, cheering you on, regardless as you are very important and special to me."

"What a fantastic thing you've achieved there - you should be really proud of yourself."

"I know how hard you have worked for this amazing achievement and the sacrifices you've made. I'm really excited for you and your future. It is entirely deserved and I'm sure this will lead on to even more fantastic things."

I tend to praise them separately mainly.

I have 5 adult children and remind them all often what they have achieved in (I hope) appropriate ways.

"X, you are a great mum and SO very kind and loving, I'm thinking of you especially today as you take little Y to school on her first day. I'm sure she will be fine as your nurturing has given her the confidence to grow and flourish. If you feel wobbly at all I'm here today.. sending love to you both"

I think I'm maybe a bit odd writing little things to them now and again. The 2 boys tend to send me a eye-roll emoji back (sometimes followed by a hear or "I love you mum" ) but the 3 "girls" often reply and I know they appreciate it too.
I want my children to know that I SEE their special skills, characters and I understand something of their hopes and dreams.

Doodledog I think you are overthinking this! I have seen your kind comments to perfect strangers here on Gransnet. I've noticed your empathy and understanding of different people. I believe you are doing just this with your adult children and they almost certainly know how much you love them and that you are pleased for them differenly but equally.
Get in the habit of saying it to them however seems right to you.

Good question Doodledog and I empathise with the need to praise without feeding any underlying sibling rivalry. I can fortunately express pride in the way my two negotiate the challenges life throws at us and the was they’re bringing their children up.
My younger, less academic daughter got a 2.1, her older sister had always achieved more academically but graduated with a 2.2. She was a bit stunned and commented to me - I could have got a 2.1 if I’d worked harder.
As RosiesMaw says, parenting is a minefield

Neither of my children were endowed with much self confidence, either as children or as adults, and we always tried to praise them for both their small and their large achievements in very different walks of life. Yes, we were proud of DD when she got her degree - the first in my family to go to university - but we were proud of DS as he climbed the promotion ladder in the RAF, achieved many accolades along the way, and was liked and respected by his colleagues. It would hurt me deeply if they ever thought we played the achievements of one off against those of the other. They tended, unwittingly, to measure themselves against each other and we never encouraged that. They’ve both had inner hurdles to overcome that have shaped their lives and only now, in middle age, are coming to terms with those. I support them to understand what they still see as their shortcomings and I let them know how proud I am of the lovely, caring people they are and of the families they’ve raised. And I tell them, constantly, that I love them.

Totally understand Doodledog but would suggest that you don't overthink it.

It's perfectly natural to praise an AC for a particular achievement and possible to do so without making a sibling feel that by comparison they've not achieved as much.

I agree with NotSpaghetti, your posts on GN show that you're caring and understanding so if we can see that even though we've never met you, your AC will see these qualities in you too so just be you, the mum they know and love.

I’m proud of all our children, they are all so different, some high achieving, one almost non-achieving. However, I am proud of them all and love them all and tell them this as often as I can!

I tell them I’m both proud and love them!

I had very hard working parents they brought up a large family. However they lacked the ability to praise us and were not openly loving either. I decided long before I had children that I would be a knowingly loving parent. I think a child loved has the foundation to go a long way in anything they do.
Whatever my son and daughter have achieved and been successful with I have praised. I always encouraged them and still do and I am very proud of them both. What is most important is that they are both decent honest people faithful partners and wonderful parents. It is their finest achievement as they had quite a difficult start in life purely because of my marriage.

I'm proud of what my sons are rather than what they have done, though their achievements are many. They are all-round 'nice guys', wonderful sons, dads, husbands, and, in one case, a grandad.

That’s what I’m getting at, annodomini. I am equally proud of my children too. I never boast about them on here, as I see that as inappropriate, but I love them for who they are as well as what they’ve achieved. My question was about ensuring that they know that, I suppose.

I needn’t have worried though, as I messaged the one who has recently had the milestone with a clumsily worded comment to that effect, and got a very reassuring reply saying that it was knowing that failing wouldn’t ever be an issue for me (and Mr Dog) that allowed them to try things with the possibility that they wouldn’t succeed. Now I’m proud of them for recognising that, too 😎.

Doodledog
They don't care about clumsy wording either!

Just keep telling them!

You should be proud of yourself for raising what sound to be lovely children, Doodledog!

I think the question you pose is a good one and it’s certainly tricky in some families, depending on personalities and upbringing. My own DC are well spaced in age so they’ve never really been in direct competition with each other and that probably helps because they each do well in different areas.

As adults, they’re very supportive of each other and get on well so they enjoy each other’s successes. People have said to me that I should be proud that they are close but I make no claim to really having had much input into that. I think again personality has so much to do with it and if they clash, it can be so difficult. It can be the luck of the draw.

I do tell all of mine that the thing I’m most proud of is that they’re all decent human beings who are kind and thoughtful to others and that the ones who are parents are doing a fabulous job of it. The one who isn’t a parent is a fabulous auntie instead!

Our 4 daughters all have very different abilities, talents, and are different ages (~20 yrs age span). They are grandparents themselves, one has been widowed and now remarried. We praise them each alone.

I've verses I quote right as I praise (since they were babies). I suppose it's comfortingly consistent, they know "where is mum going here?" Then I inarticulately say what I want to say - I believe our children know our heart(s), hear what we say out of love, with ears tuned to our way of speaking.

Philippians 2:19-20 (Timothy) 19 I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, so that I may be cheered by news of you. 20 I have no one like him, who will be genuinely anxious for your welfare. Philippians 2:22 But Timothy’s worth you know, how as a son with a father he has served with me in the gospel.

Your children understand how you articulate. Say it privately.

Doodledog

That’s what I’m getting at, annodomini. I am equally proud of my children too. I never boast about them on here, as I see that as inappropriate, but I love them for who they are as well as what they’ve achieved. My question was about ensuring that they know that, I suppose.

I needn’t have worried though, as I messaged the one who has recently had the milestone with a clumsily worded comment to that effect, and got a very reassuring reply saying that it was knowing that failing wouldn’t ever be an issue for me (and Mr Dog) that allowed them to try things with the possibility that they wouldn’t succeed. Now I’m proud of them for recognising that, too 😎.

They do hear you! Well done you!!!