Who do you turn to?

I was on my own with young children for a few years before I met MrJ, good friends helped me with various issues. My children are now adults and live locally, but we still have that great group of friends, just all a little older now!

You are absolutely right Cabbie21 we need to have plans in place for those times when we urgently need help and may not be as independent as we think.

My daughter and 2 sons live about 5 miles from me. My daughter is no good in a crisis, She’s very good at inviting me over for meals, shopping etc - the boys and their families live their own lives - I see them as often as work and school activities permit The ds.i.l. are very close to their mums so I don’t get a look in. That’s ok.
Fortunately, I am self-sufficient - I drive, have good friends and neighbours.
boheminan - years ago, one desperate night, when my husband (now ex) was having his affair and I was alone with my youngest, I called the Samaritans. They were so good - kept talking to me. I think they were relieved when told them my son was sleeping upstairs. I guess they felt that I wasn’t that desperate that I would leave my young son without a mother. And I wouldn’t have.
There are lots of caring and understanding people here. Feel free to open up or send us a PM. Don’t feel you are alone.

Best thing I did after my husband died was get a dog. She makes me exercise by walking in the local park and I have made some lovely friends. I live close to both my AC but they have busy lives but I know they would help if I needed it. Sometimes you just need some human company, especially in the evening.

I have a dear friend who is 400 miles away but we support each other through whatever trials come our way.

I do get very depressed at times, but tend not to burden her with my deepest sadnesses. I have rung the Samaritans and found them so very helpful. It has to be really bad for me to ring them.

Reaching out is the key I think.

boheminan

I live alone and sometimes really need someone, anyone, just to talk to. For me it helps to come here and join in a thread.

Once when very depressed I called Samaritans, they're there 24hrs a day and they saved my life. That's about it really...

You are not alone, you have friends on here, as has been said PM anytime, I sometimes can't get to sleep so you can PM late as you like.
I spoke to the Samaritans when an estrangement from our daughter caused me to have a complete breakdown and I was having some really dark unhealthy thoughts. They were so helpful and kind.
They are now my chosen charity.
Anyway like I said, anytime.
Take care of yourself.
xxxxxxxxx

If the question is about practical help I have a local "odd job" man who I can ask to do outside jobs or heavy stuff that's beyond me. Otherwise I have to pay for plumbers, electricians and everything in between. I still have a car and drive but if I am unable to, such as for my recent colonoscopy, I book taxis. I have one long time woman neighbour who would give me a lift for a short journey if push really came to shove.

I would be completely stuck. I have lived in the area all my life but folks from my past have moved away/lost touch. I'm involved with several local organisations but never really made friends. DH seems not to need "friends" as such, being happy with his own company and little hobbies. Our road has just 9 houses and I don't even known the names of those at three of them. The other 5 are all pensioners but we rarely see them or speak to them except a few minutes if we are out in the front garden. I watch my elderly neighbour across the road going out with her friends almost daily, with frequent visitors and wonder why I (we) have none. She isn't even a particularly pleasant woman.

All that said, I believe people regard me highly. We do try to socialise in general and usually enjoy ourselves, and others seem to enjoy our company. I've often been told by others that I would be top of their list to ask if they needed help themselves.

I can't think of anyone I could ask for help if needed. I've been having gruelling cancer treatment all this year and apart from my DDs only two of the many people that I know have even phoned to ask how I am.

It's all quite worrying really if I should be left a widow.

I have no family, friends all live 4 to 5 hours away. Neighbours live in their own little bubbles. I often wonder what I will do if I need help.

As my late DH worked away from home, I’ve always relied on a list of reliable Tradespeople. Once retired, DH could do the odd job, but usually unwillingly and not always to plan.
So, on my own now, it’s very much back to GAMI - Get a Man In.

I have a group of close knit friends, one has a handy husband, another a very useful son, but several of us make use of the same Tradespeople - by word of mouth recommendation.

I'm friendly with my neighbours but not sure I could or would turn to them.
Apart from my family I don't really feel close to anyone else. And I increasingly feel that I'm becoming a nuisance to my loved ones. I feel just a waste of space really.

My good friends they have my back and I know I can rely on them as they can me. None of them live far away and we all have supported each other in times difficult to deal with.

Bohemian 💐

I am fortunate that my family live fairly close and would rally round. DD did drop everything when I needed to be rescued from a broken down car a while ago.

Plan A would not be to call on them though as they are busy with work and children. I have a list of tried and trusted people to sort out house issues I can’t manage, home delivery set up for food if need be. When DH is away I make sure my phone is on my person as much as possible so I can be ‘tracked’.
We get on well with our neighbours and we all look out for each other but we are not on ‘popping in’ terms and none of us wants to be (apart from one who I won’t allow over the threshold on the grounds that once I did it would be a daily event!).

I go it alone. I don’t feel others should have to carry my burden. Never have been able. It’s how I coped as a child. Just get on with it, things will look better in the morning.

The sort of thing I had in mind was if you have fallen, maybe broken a bone and can’t move, who would you ring, apart from 999? If you need to get to a GP/ clinic/ hospital appointment urgently and can’t drive or use public transport, or if you are discharged in the middle of the night, or if all your lights fuse one evening, or you come home to find you’ve been burgled, or your car breaks down and you are stranded.
Yes, in some circumstances a taxi is the answer, and given time, paid help can be arranged. But don’t we all need a friend, a good neighbour?

There’s a difference between a physical injury, an accident, etc and an emotional crisis. When I’ve had a fall my lovely neighbours were brilliant.

Cabbie21

The sort of thing I had in mind was if you have fallen, maybe broken a bone and can’t move, who would you ring, apart from 999? If you need to get to a GP/ clinic/ hospital appointment urgently and can’t drive or use public transport, or if you are discharged in the middle of the night, or if all your lights fuse one evening, or you come home to find you’ve been burgled, or your car breaks down and you are stranded.
Yes, in some circumstances a taxi is the answer, and given time, paid help can be arranged. But don’t we all need a friend, a good neighbour?

I think there are more people that need one, than those that have one, sadly.

It's so easy to lose touch, or to find you have too little time, or energy, or that your life is very far removed from your friends path...

My situation is very similar to GrandMattie’s

I moved to be near to DD and her family after my elder DD and DH died.
I like to be as independent as I possibly can and only ask for help when I absolutely have to although I know they would do anything for me.

My neighbours are friendly but all elderly and now even my little dog is showing her age!

I had a serious health scare earlier this year and it made me realise just how much pressure it would put on my family had I not been very lucky with my diagnosis. It’s something that worries me.

two years ago i had got to the point of ending it all, i have family but i could not tell them, i had seen adverts for a scottish charity called breathing space, it was a free phone number and they were really helpful, nothing personal just talking.

I am on my own. I have 3 DDs, two nearby and one further away. I have someone to help with the housework once and fortnight and she is great. Someone also helps with the garden - but only when he gets around to it! I pay for these rather than ask anyone in my family to take time out of their busy lives.

Smaller one-off jobs are a challenge - someone to clear the guttering/cut the hedges etc. The jobs are too small to be attractive to anyone, but I usually find a way.

Emotional support - I try and avoid loading on my DDs - they are all hitting the menopause and have problems of their own - but I know they are there for me if needs be.

The really good thing is that I belong to a group of local women (we name ourselves after a famous girl band!) with whom I join in activities for the benefit of the village - organizing coffee mornings, Xmas fun for the chidlren, summer fetes etc. etc. and raising money for local causes. And we have the odd outing for ourselves too - garden visits, meal out etc.. We have a Whatsapp group and are always chatting on there; and I know that if I was in a fix I only have to post on there and someone would be round like a shot.

I too have used Samaritans in some of the desperate moments after OH died when I did not want to add to the DDs' grief. They are very good - they listened.

But what no one can replace is the day to day presence of another human being - one for whom you are the centre of their lives and with whom you have shared countless important experiences. Someone to bring you a cup of tea, to ask how you are feeling, to share cryptic comments about rubbish TV programmes, to plan the next meal and the next holiday with, to chat over the washing up, to hold hands with .........I have lots of people who love me, but the impact of me dying would hurt for a while, then they would soon move on. It is a very different experience from being part of a close couple - I feel adrift. But you have to "suck it up" as they say - what else can you do?

Yes Cabbie, I thought you were talking more about the practical stuff. I don't have anyone to come and rescue me in emergencies. If all my lights fused I'd have to call an electrician and sit in darkness until they arrived. If I had regular hospital appointments I'd have to book taxis or investigate a community or hospital transport scheme (if such a thing exists). I have been stranded on my own on several occasions with a broken down car and waited hours for the AA to arrive. I'm a widow now but my DH was not a particularly "handy" man. He couldn't drive and knew nothing about electricity, plumbing or anything technical so for many years I've been used to calling out tradesmen for most things, or doing whatever I could myself. As for broken bones and being unable to move, I'd have to try and call 999.

This thread has highlighted how vulnerable some people feel, something to consider when making unkind on other threads.
I am blessed with my DH and family near, although it may not always be like this.
💐 to all who are feeling lonely.

Oop! I missed out ‘remarks’, silly me 😊

I am not on my own, DH is with me, and DD lives five minutes away and is 100% reliable in an emergency. DS is five hours away but would drop everything if needed. We also, thanks to DH, have a very support group of “handymen” of all sorts and some neighbours were very supportive during the lockdowns etc. I feel so very fortunate having read some of these posts and want to say, with others, please PM me at any time if a chat would help.
Biglouis not everybody chooses to be alone …