How do you cope when your children move away?

Many years ago before my daughter left for university I used to sit and cry in the garden. My neighbour later told me that she would hear me crying. My children were my world. So all I can say is that I understand how you feel and am sending you a virtual hug….

It's hard but you have to let them go and know they have to tread their own paths through life.

You are a sensible woman , you will get there ! Good luck . 💐

Sssd, my heart breaks for you. If you are heartbroken, I can see why. You don't need to "be positive" and "stop crying". The way you are feeling is your own and you can't be told to feel differently. This indeed is a journey and your childhood memories are aggravating you now. I agree that you should contact a professional to have regular scheduled talks about your coping and well-being. They might know of new things you could try and also wash away the guilt or shame or whatever it is that you have carried and buried until your retired age. You are a beautiful kind soul. Is there something you could do volunteering to share that love, practicality and wisdom with someone else in need? You have a lot to give. Your children must get on with their lives. It doesn't mean they are abandoning you or that they have forgotten you. They are just growing up and where they were living was not in their best interests. You will never not be their dear mother. I'm glad your DH is fine but it sounds like you could benefit from getting out there in social settings so you can find this new person that you are about to become. Best wishes to you and lots of hugs.

My thought was , I have done the best I can for them and now it is up to them. And I can do some things I had no time for before.
Now 30 years on, both my children have turned out ok, and are responsible people with their own children (and one grandchild).

Thanks again everyone. All of these messages are so heartwarming.

Its so hard to let them go. I almost feel like I'm in a bad dream and when I'm distracted its fine, then the reality comes back and hits me and i just feel dread in my stomach. And such sadness.

But this thread has helped, so thank you.

I went to see him today for a very short visit. I feel more discombobulated than ever. It was his lunch time and there's things i forgot to ask him. For some reason it felt a bit awkward. We've never been awkward. Maybe its all the changes going on.
I just want to take him home and have things be the way they were but i feel ive lost that.
I feel all adrift. And homesick for a time i can't get back.

Im now about to drive home.

I feel so anxious.

Drive safely and don’t worry. Maybe a rushed lunch time visit wasn’t ideal.. Give him time and space to settle in.
I don’t know if he’s studying or working away but if you aren’t too far away invite him for a weekend in a few weeks time.
Or better still wait for him to suggest meeting.

You are right. I felt like I'd jumped the gun a bit. I was just missing him so much.

Ssd you are so lucky your sons are in this country, not too far if you made a lunch time trip. There are many of us on here whose children don’t even live in the same country. I am one such.
My daughter has been in Europe for 20 years and won’t be coming back. We see her maybe twice a year for a day or
two. It makes me sad I can’t just get in the car to visit, but have to book flights, and hope we stay well to be able to go. Then I think of those whose children live much further away, and count my blessings.

This is now your time, as I said at the start try to plan a few treats for you, maybe the cinema, lunch with a friend, weekend break, U3 A if retired. If your son knows just how much you miss him he will be full of guilt for causing you pain. Let him fly.

It's not surprising that it felt awkward though.. I would never visit my son's workplace unless I was specifically invited..

He works from home.

And yes i do appreciate that my sons are in the UK, you are absolutely right silverlining48

You will be fine Sssd. Give it time and fill that time with nice things you can look forward to.

I will do. Thanks again.

I really miss him so much just now. It hurts.

How far is far away? I’m single and my 24 year old only child moved out 2 weeks ago but is still in the same town. Before that she was many miles away at uni but I got used to it as we have a very close relationship and kept in touch.
It’s hard but you’ve raised two well-adjusted children who love you. And you have your husband, I’m home alone (apart from dog.)
Both my parents moved to different countries from their parents when they were young. There was no internet and phone calls were hugely expensive. You’ll be fine, you have to be. It’s the natural order of things. Try and be grateful that your children are happy and show that you’re coping without them.
In life, nothing is permanent. You’ll always be their mum and I’m sure they cherish you.

Thank you, that is a lovely message.

It is definitely early days for you and what you are experiencing is very real and also feeling worse as it is raking up sadness and feelings of isolation from your past.
First congratulate yourself of doing a wonderful job as parents on bringing up independent children who will thrive out of your home. You should be proud of yourself !
Secondly embrace this time for yourself and your husband.
I felt bereft when both my daughters moved out in quick succession. The empty nest felt horrendous.
However myself and my husband embraced the change together and it brought us much closer as we began to do more things as a couple again and with our friends.
There is no need to know everything that is going on in their lives but remain interested and supportive and ignite that family whatsapp group again. It may be different now they are far from home and even if you don’t endless conversation just having that occasional contact as a group may help. Keep it chatty and with news from home. It’s ok to tell them you love them and miss them but don’t go overboard. Make plans to visit each way. I find that it is quality time I get with my children these days when we are together. Especially the d who is furthest away. My eldest has moved back closer and I am now involved with grandchildren …. You find they certainly need you again in this chapter. Take care x

Just make a busy life for yourself, join groups, see friends, find a purpose every day.
Be proud of your sons and proud of yourself for bringing them up to be independent.
Time will ease the pain, but do keep in touch every week for a catch-up. Just a few words and tell them how much you love them and look forward to seeing them soon.

I have read your post carefully and given this a lot of thought.

You clearly have deep rooted issues from your childhood.

I would suggest getting some good counselling.

Your children could find your reaction very hard to deal with.
Have you discussed it with them?

I have 3 AC, two in the UK but at least a 3 hour drive and the youngest left the UK at 18 to travel he then went to a university abroad, he came back for 6 months then off again overseas.

We brought them up to be independent and that’s what we got.

I doubt he and his partner will ever live in the UK but they are very happy.

The three siblings all get on very well, they have their own family group (probably to moan about us) and that for me is so important.

Get some help please.

Cry away. Your feelings shouldn't need validating.

At one time both my children were a distance away. I sawit as a sign of good parenting that were making their own lives,

My son, particularly, lived in various places overseas and I worried about him all the time.

Now, years later he's back home living with me! Now I'm a failed parent... I really hope he can get back on his feet and move out again but in the current economic climate it doesn't look likely, so you never know what lies around the corner!

We still have 3 of 5 AC still living at home.

When they all finally leave we will be

👏👏 🍹🍹🍸🍸🍷🍷 🕺🕺 🤸🏾‍♂️🤸🏾‍♂️🍾🍾🥳🥳

It is my view that you bring up your children so that they are equipped to fly free at the appropriate time. When they do, as yours have done then you have done a good job. Time for you now to make a life for yourself and make new friends and take up new interests, or revisit old ones that you didn't have time for. Decide what you want for you now. Personally the first thing I did was have a party. I love my boys but by golly I didn't miss the washing, ironing and cleaning up, Or all the angst that went with them. I'm still here for them regardless but I don't interfere or intrude on their lives now. Their lives are theirs to live, mistakes and all. Good luck, you will find your way, one step at a time.

They are only ours for a season. Set them free and they'll be back regularly. It worked for me.