I’m itching to just ask why?

Excellent observation and advice BlueBelle

I think you are appreciated by your husband and children.
They love you.

Maybe you feel a bit vulnerable and want her to agree that you are a good mum and wife.
Please leave the "problem" side of her to your husband and try to enjoy the days you like each other and have a good relationship.
In those days I'd tell her how nice it is to have little chats with her, to find out about your husband as a child, share precious times with the children... Pick out all the good things you can.

You will feel better, and so will she.
Focus on the positives.
Ignore the negatives - you cannot change other people but you can change the way you react to them.
I hope by being as positive as you can you will chip away at her heart and will one day have the relationship with her that you truly want and deserve.

That’s such good advice NotSpaghetti.

'Your son is your son 'til he gets him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter for all of your life.'

Have you never heard that, Lilacs?
Perhaps it isn't current in America.

Your husband appears to have made it clear to his mother that you and his children come first, so I cannot see the problem, other than the fact that you heartily dislike her.

eazybee

'Your son is your son 'til he gets him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter for all of your life.'

Have you never heard that, Lilacs?
Perhaps it isn't current in America.

Your husband appears to have made it clear to his mother that you and his children come first, so I cannot see the problem, other than the fact that you heartily dislike her.

I understand and am familiar with the saying I’m just not sure how standing up for your wife equates to you not being a son? It just all sounds a bit dramatic to me. I don’t dislike my MIL at all I just don’t like her asking nosy and intrusive questions like how much my husband makes, who makes more money in the marriage, how household items are split. There are ways to be a mother without having to ask intrusive questions about your child’s mareiagr that aren’t your business.

Maybe I’m missing something and you could clarify?

eazybee

'Your son is your son 'til he gets him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter for all of your life.'

Have you never heard that, Lilacs?
Perhaps it isn't current in America.

Your husband appears to have made it clear to his mother that you and his children come first, so I cannot see the problem, other than the fact that you heartily dislike her.

Also should his wife and children not come first?

I'm sure you come first to him.
He probably comes first to her.

I am thinking - where is his father in this lilacs? If he is around, what is his relationship with you and your family?

NotSpaghetti

I'm sure you come first to him.
He probably comes first to her.

I am thinking - where is his father in this lilacs? If he is around, what is his relationship with you and your family?

Where did I say he doesn’t come first to her? Coming first to her doesn’t mean that you can’t acknowledge your DIL as well. We are a unit a couple and her son isn’t a little boy anymore. It’s interesting bc whenever a MIL posts on here it is always advised to treat the DIL equal on her birthday and if you do for your son you should include your DIL bc they are a married couple and it goes a long way for your relationship but yet on here I’m being attacked for wanting the same thing and for not wanting my MIL to ask me or my husband nosy questions. Hmmm

You just seem to be gearing up for an argument, to me.
Whatever anyone says, your response is combative.

Have you been reading the forum for a while, then?

MissAdventure

You just seem to be gearing up for an argument, to me.
Whatever anyone says, your response is combative.

Have you been reading the forum for a while, then?

I’m just not sure why people are gouging the outdated expression a son is a son until get he gets married which implies that by standing up for his wife and not answering his mother highly inappropriate and invasive questions he is no longer a son. That seems quite dramatic to me and such a jump.

Yes I read the forums for a while before I decided to post now that there is an issue.

It’s interesting bc whenever a MIL posts on here it is always advised to treat the DIL equal on her birthday and if you do for your son you should include your DIL bc they are a married couple and it goes a long way for your relationship but yet on here I’m being attacked for wanting the same thing and for not wanting my MIL to ask me or my husband nosy questions.

You're quite right that would be the advice your mother-in-law would have received if she were the one posting.

She's not though, and I don't see you being attacked, I see people advising you that if her behaviour towards you upsets you, as it clearly does, you cannot demand of her that she changes her behaviour but you can choose to ignore it and not let it upset you.

Believe me, I've been there 🙄

It was you who introduced that expression yesterday @ 13.36 lilacs. TBH I'm beginning to feel rather sorry for your m.i.l.

lilacs I wasn't challenging you -I suppose I was just reiterating that to the important person (your husband) YOU are the one.

I was actually wondering about your father-in-law to be honest and thinking about her relationship (past or present) with your husband's father.

I think if you read back I have never been dismissive of you.

Personally I think it very wrong not to properly mark your birthday.
I pay a lot of attention to my sons' and daughters' partners/wives/husbands precisely because they love them. In my case I always try to see the best in them and "treat" them when opportunity arises.

I don't feel at all sorry for the mother-in-law Smileless2012 she is not really supporting her son by not celebrating the person he loves.

I don't treat my SIL's or DIL the same as my own children
and they don't expect it because they are adult grown
people with families on their own side.
Expecting other's to behave how you want them to
is a receipe for disaster.

It would be for her son to decide whether or not he feels supported by his mother *NotSpaghetti. It just seems rather implausible that anyone can claim to have a very good and positive relationship with someone they find so much fault with .

Smileless2012

It would be for her son to decide whether or not he feels supported by his mother *NotSpaghetti. It just seems rather implausible that anyone can claim to have a very good and positive relationship with someone they find so much fault with .

And like she said she IMAGINES meaning she guesses based on how his mother excludes me the most important person to him that he wouldn’t feel supported by his mother. Which would be accurate. Yet she continues to go behind my back to ask my husband intrusive questions

Yes. I would feel disappointed if my mother or father had ignored my husband's birthday.

I am NOT good with dates but just keep checking and checking so I don't miss the birthdays.

Being kind, warm and loving to my children's chosen partners is good for the whole family and helps us tick along nicely!

I've noticed over the years that the better I behave to others, the less I find to dislike about them too.
I try to look for the best in them.

I'm still interested in your father-in-law and if he behaves the same or not though Lilacs - and how his relationship with your mother-in-law seems to work.

Yet she continues to go behind my back to ask my husband intrusive questions

She's entitled to ask him whatever she wants.
He's equally entitled to tell her to take a running jump!

Shame he doesn't.
Or did he?
Confusing.

Yes. He did.

V3ra

^Yet she continues to go behind my back to ask my husband intrusive questions^

She's entitled to ask him whatever she wants.
He's equally entitled to tell her to take a running jump!

I mean yes technically anyone is entitled I guess you could call it for lack of a better word to ask him whatever which is rude and shows that she oversteps her DIL’s boundaries when I already set them. It’s my marriage too and by MIL going behind my back and bypassing me when I asked her politely might I add to not ask us intrusive questions that shows she doesn’t have respect for my boundaries as a person or for my marriage. It reminds me of a young child whose mom already told them know so they go to daddy behind mommy’s back after mom already said no. Which is what my MIL is doing. It creates a divide between us as husband and wife and puts her son in an awful position. Not sure why she would want to do that.

Also my FIL died 7 years ago. Just for context my MIL and FIL have been divorced for about 15 years before that.

The problem is I already set that boundary to not ask us boys questions about our marriage so the problem lies in where she asks my husband those same questions behind my back is that she doesn’t have respect for my boundaries and she oversteps my boundaries. We are married why does she think it’s acceptable to go to the other partner or think we aren’t unified? I don’t like the disrespect it shows for my boundaries which doesn’t show respect for me as a person. That’s what upsets me. If that wasn’t the case the gifts and acknowledgment would bother me way less. Those are just symptoms of a much larger issue. I find this behavior (the disrespecting my boundaries not the gifts part) toxic behavior

So your problem is you husband then, unless he doesn't have a problem with his mum asking what you consider to be intrusive questions.

If he refused to answer, there'd be no point in her asking him would there. Maybe you should stop blaming your m.i.l..

You'd have to ask her, outright, because contrary to belief at times, mothers in law are not all the same.

They're people, first and foremost.