When you got married did you save escape money ?

Aveline

Looks like those of us with running away funds did manage to 'hold on to our marriages' as though that's a hard task!

I know

And if the only reason you are making a marriage work is that you can't afford to leave isn't that all the more reason to have your own money?

I didn't have a designated fund, but have always been financially independent, and wouldn't have felt comfortable otherwise. We've always pooled our money, but if I'd needed to leave I could have (fairly) taken my share.

Horrible generalisationAunieE
My husband like hundreds of thousands of others is very good with money,in fact our accountant has been known to ask his advice as his knowledge of finances is outstanding .Would you say that most women are rubbish in the kitchen or the home or bad at childcare?
I,ve always had my own bank account since I first started work but the first two years of married life I hated having to spend my money on bills.I never had to do that when I was at home and I didn’t like parting with money that could have been spent on clothes.

When wages were brought home in wage packets, not paid into bank accounts despite putting my wages into the 'pot' for mortgage, bills etc. I was struggling to make ends meet, often in tears...no holidays, no extras. We had 2 small children.

Friends were concerned, and one had a sister who worked in H's company so she found out what he earned. I was astounded, betrayed and felt deceived, and even more stressed when he told me I was wrong.

My solicitor revealed he had been withholding at least 1/3rd of his wages from his own family for an 'escape' fund kept at work. He then became Ex H [other factors at play too but that was the last straw]. I didn't know people did this when in a trusting marriage.

His damn 'fund' put me through at least 4 years, maybe more of being worried sick sometimes, and deprived our boys of numerous activities/fun/holidays/experiences in their early years.

It was deceptive, calculating and sly. I'd trusted this man for years and it was such a blow to me/us. Workmates had told him what to do and he listened to them, rather than hear my anxiety and concern. I don't know how he could treat his children so badly. So that's my experience of rainy day money.

It's not having the money that does it.
It's the fact that your man was a greedy, grasping, selfish pig.

No I didn’t. And never thought about it but I always have money separate for emergencies

Never needed an escape fund, fortunately. We have joint accounts , but I also have my own account, so does my DH. It works for us .

Never ever thought of having escape money, we always had a joint account plus joint credit and debit cards and if I ever had wanted to escape, which I never did, I could have used the credit and debit cards to draw cash out before my husband ever knew about it and been long gone.

It never ever crossed our minds to have individual accounts and cards, what was his was mine and vice versa. A marriage made in heaven until he sadly died.

I’ve always handled our finances and know where every penny is and how to access it. Haven’t thought of it as running away money but would only take half of it if I did! Yes, he has been told…

I kept my money which I had saved since starting work, £1 per week. It wasn’t much but was in my name. my running away money.
My dh hadn’t saved anything prior to marriage, but from then on we have always had joint accounts.
My money was eventually incorporated into our joint account because after 50 odd years I knew I wouldn’t be running anywhere.

No but both us are self employed, so we had our own bank accounts and a joint one for mortgage , bills etc . We’re now both retired and still have separate accounts.
My mother worked part time and also had her own bank accounts, debit and savings . My father was a gambler, so she needed to keep a separate account.

It made perfect sense, years ago, when women gave up work and were reliant on the husband's wage to cover ever eventuality.

We kept our own bank accounts and opened a joint account to use to pay for all the bills. I was always the main wage earner. We worked out the total we needed for the bills and then we each paid in an amount pro-rata ( based on our earnings) into the joint account. I think at first I covered about 60% and he put in 40% but the ratio obviously changed over the years. It worked very well for us, we never argued about money.

My mum calls it an “out of town account” 🤣

We always had separate bank accounts so it never arose really..

We have no my money or his money there is just our money. Little things we just buy and big things we will ask each other about. I can not imagine it happening but if we did argue and split I am confident the money would be divided equally.

I wish I had done that. Although we were In Lurve when we married, things went downhill over the next 20 years (let's just say that he didn't turn out to be Prince Charming). I did leave him in the end, basically with my books, clothes, a few bits of personal stuff and the money in my purse at the time. I lived in a dreadful bedsit with no heating or cooking facilities. I ate cold sandwiches for my dinner and slept in my woolly hat and winter coat. The only loan I could get went on a dismal little car which ran on a motorbike engine and thus didn't go up hills - had to take a very circuitous route to work every day! 20 years-worth of savings would have come in very handy, so I would say this to a newly-wed (male or female): You may think it can't possibly go wrong, but just maybe it might, especially nowadays when marriage seems so meaningless to many people. If it doesn't go wrong, you'll have a nice little rainy-day fund to celebrate your golden wedding anniversary with! It's win-win if you save money, whether your spouse knows about it or not.

Yes, after the first couple of domestic incidents I started hiding small amounts of money away, it had to be small amounts so it wasn't missed.

No I didn’t have an ‘escape fund’ because I expected my marriage to last. Unfortunately, my husband thought otherwise. However, thanks to an excellent Solicitor and a wise Judge, who valued my contribution (not financial, because I didn’t have a paid job) to the family, I had a decent settlement.

I had never heard of this until a couple of years ago on Mumsnet and I was shocked to be honest.
When we met I was wealthier than my husband, also the higher earner and we pooled everything from day one and still do.
Perhaps he had a secret stash 😳 until his earnings increased!

No, I was quite young, foreign, and just out of a very long stay in hospital and unable to go up or down the stairs of our attice flat in Putney, with a DH working night and day. Money or not, I would not have been able to run away. I didn't have a bean of my own and was unable to work. 53 years later, I don't regret it. For 11 years, we had a joined account and he trusted me entirely. Went to Uni when youngest started school- and when I started to work, I had my own account.

I can’t even tell you the level of hurt I would feel if I found out my husband had an account behind my back that I didn’t know about just in case we divorce and hoarded money that could be used for me out our children. We are married it should all be family money as far as I’m concerned. And it would show how little faith he had in our sacred union that we made together when we stood up in front of a hundred people and made our vows.

Call me old fashioned but that’s how I feel and I can’t be convinced otherwise. We were each others first love and have dated 9 years though before we got married so everything we built I feel we built together so I guess in my mind I would feel like we built and grew together why should he consider it just “his” money? That would be weird to me.

Now if we met long after we were both established in our lives or we had kids from previous relationships I may feel differently but as our relationship stands now and how it formed I would feel very very hurt and betrayed.

If someone had suggested this to my husband I would feel hurt and offended and probably have nothing to do with that person.

So those are my thoughts and opinions on how I feel about that!

lilacs45

I can’t even tell you the level of hurt I would feel if I found out my husband had an account behind my back that I didn’t know about just in case we divorce and hoarded money that could be used for me out our children. We are married it should all be family money as far as I’m concerned. And it would show how little faith he had in our sacred union that we made together when we stood up in front of a hundred people and made our vows.

Call me old fashioned but that’s how I feel and I can’t be convinced otherwise. We were each others first love and have dated 9 years though before we got married so everything we built I feel we built together so I guess in my mind I would feel like we built and grew together why should he consider it just “his” money? That would be weird to me.

Now if we met long after we were both established in our lives or we had kids from previous relationships I may feel differently but as our relationship stands now and how it formed I would feel very very hurt and betrayed.

If someone had suggested this to my husband I would feel hurt and offended and probably have nothing to do with that person.

So those are my thoughts and opinions on how I feel about that!

Also want to add that we have been together since our very early 20s so way before we were established in our big boy and big girl careers so to speak.

So if I found out he his secret money from me when we were seriously dating I would be very hurt and feel betrayed. But I know my husband like the back of my hand and I know he would never pull a stunt like this.

It really never occurred to me but DiL is a financial adviser and says all women should have an escape fund.

Many years ago, I joined a forum for people from my country of origin who lived abroad.

A few of the ladies confessed to having a secret fund. They were housewives with no income of their own. I was surprised and asked them ‘Don’t your trust your husbands?

Now that I am older, hopefully wiser and no longer believes that ‘Love conquers all’, I think that is a very smart move.

With 40% of marriages ending in divorces nowadays, every woman should set up a running away fund. More so, if you are not married.

One can never be 100% certain you know somebody fully.