Stuck

You sound very sensible. Could you post the presents to them ( expensive I know) and then get a train or coach maybe staying overnight at a premier inn ? Hope you keep well x

I have had lots of anxiety problems in other areas, but am a capable driver and enjoy driving, when I feel I am doing some good. Did 10 years of 3 days a week driving as a volunteer for car ambulance., driving up the dales and on the motorways in snow and sun or whatever. So , i have , for 3 or 4 people , offered to drive them , when they were unable or did not feel happy about driving far. I would offer to drive them door to door or to a specific event. They would pay the fuel only, so it was not a hire and reward situation and didnt affect my insurance. My usual way was to suggest that they choose how they wanted to go, whether for the day to a specific thing , such as a show, going to visit an old friend , or fancied having a day shopping in some big outlet, or a trip to the coast or up the dales etc. I like to talk it through , so that we dont get at cross purposes. For example , if they had friends or family in some rather remote area, quite a long way from here, I would suggest that I would pick them up from their home, offer a couple of options, so that they might want to get there quickly to spend the most time with their friends, or have the chance to go on more rural routes and see the countryside etc. Then we would work out a rough time , and usually I would drop them off, arrange that I would return in say 3 hours, or have a time agreed when they would phone me and let me know when they wanted to go back. I was a keen gardener, like antiques, am a singer etc, so I can certainly find enough to occupy myself, and it can mean the chance to visit a Nat Trust or NGS or whatever, where I am not paying a lot for fuel etc. Then I would pick them up and take them home. The benefits were the passenger could relax and think about their friends etc and not even have to worry which way we were going. I was happy to help and enjoyed the chance to look at somewhere new. One lady apologised for falling asleep on the way home. I said , oh no , it is a compliment. You dont go to sleep if you dont feel safe. Win/win. So perhaps this sort of thing would be a possibility. We have a community group in our area and various things like womens groups, and the mens shed thing, also several churchs nave a transport system, where they take people to hospitals or perhaps to a law firm or whatever. No profit is made just the fuel paid for.If this appeals , you may also become friends with a particular driver and then feel relaxed about asking them to do it again. Your family will not feel stressed out about the transport, you will be calmer and it shouldnt cost you more than travelling yourself by car or train and certainly not the price of a taxi. Alternatively you could put an advert in a local paper asking if anyone regularly goes to X, who might like to carshare , or share the cost of a driver, obviously not giving details about yourself at first but there you would need to negotiate and be clear, who was going to be delivered and picked up in what order . I think that if you felt you had some options you would feel more relaxed and then if you did that for a couple of times you may feel ok to drive yourself.
Also I think we should be honest , but of course polite. There are many people who put themselves through a lot of stress to go for a specific day or whatever. It could be that your son and family also feel bound to do a lot of things. With the difficulties they have with their children, maybe you could all find a way to nicely say, that this year, whilst you really want to get together with the stress of the moving etc etc, you all might find it better to be like the queen and have an "official" christmas at a later date when the weather is better. That would mean that you had a simple christmas day, not fighting through the crowds and all the stress and then at the end of January say or perhaps wait until February when there is a bit more light get together and enjoy each others complany. Good luck and do have a think about what would make life easier for you all. They do say that Death, Divorce and moving house are the three most stressful times for people. You dont need to make christmas hard for yourselves too. There will be other years.

Perhaps ask you soon to come for you?

Son

You're not being at all ridiculous. I'm several years younger than you with AF that comes on without warning, although it doesn't incapacitate me which I presume a burst aneurysm would and I wouldn't want to drive that journey. I feel nervous even as a passenger on some motorways, especially now we have the "smart" ones. Could your son collect then maybe you could make your own way back? Wishing you well whatever you decide.

I had a nightmare last night in which I’d asked my partner to come and look after our dog because I said I was going to drive up the M1 And when he arrived I said ‘ I can’t even face the slip road onto the motorway’. I still feel stressed by it now.

I used to have to drive around London (preM25) then pick up the M1 and drive North, usually with a toddler in the back of the car and thought nothing of it. Now I'd hate to have to do that regularly, if at all.

I understand exactly how you feel. I am only in my early 70s, recent trips on the M62 have been very stressful. I am now struggling to make the weekly drive to my daughter's for childminding, both as driver or passenger. Not the M62 but the M60, another extremely busy motorway with many junctions.
At the moment I am doing this in the dark both ways and finding it incredibly stressful, so many aggressive, impatient drivers taking no account of road conditions.
The posters have offered a number of excellent suggestions, I would say my thoughts are either use an Uber there and public transport back or leave it until after Christmas when everything is calmer, just using technology to speak on Christmas day. Whatever you decide to do, just stick with your decision and try to have a happy Christmas!

You're not being daft at all. I totally understand how you become trapped. I have agoraphobia and can't even leave the house without DH. I know there is no danger outside but it makes no difference. I know the M62 well and, in places, it can be a nightmare. DH is a very good driver but I always remind him that it's not his driving that's the problem, it's other drivers.

Could you go by train and book into a hotel? That way there is no driving and you can stay without putting any pressure on DIL and DS by staying with them. Also a hotel room will give you somewhere that you can relax and recover from the stress of the visit.

It’s interesting to read all the comments about the M62. DH has refused to use it for years, and has had to put up with a few scornful comments about that, which don’t bother him in the least. It’s good to know though that others recognise it for the nightmare it usually is. Our small town is frequently gridlocked by traffic having to leave it due to accidents or “incidents”.

I hope you find a way round your problem, OP, and manage to get to your family safely and stress-free.

Rocknroll5me
My DH hates motorways so always plans a route to avoid them if possible. So is the motorway the only way to get to your son’s? An alternative route might take longer but would be less stressful I think.

Hi all. Thanks. Sorry if I’ve been confusing because it is confusing.
No I haven’t been invited. They always come to me. This year they have a big new house and I feel that I should be letting them know that I will be making it over to them to see it and them soon. Obviously not Xmas itself but over the protracted holiday that is now normal. That would also save them the trip.
There is a silence. Yes I will be going to my daughters ( nearby) for Xmas and Boxing Day.
Besides all that the discussions have made me feel more assured if my fears of driving alone in the winter on the m62. So that’s out of the way.
Thanks very much for the uber female driver link. I’ll look at that. In the past I have had some horrible experiences when visiting them and that is when you feel most alone. I know my DIL would be much better behaved if I was partnered. But in the meantime I seem to have lost all appetite for travel. And I hope it may return. And then of course there is the dog. Not welcome. I used to belt down the motorway from Leeds to London dog included all the time till I was 70, and mum died. At the end of a long drive I was always welcomed that made all the difference.
And I loved the post about the community drivers was that maggiemaybe? Fantastic.

Not I, Rocknroll5me, it was madeleine45 who posted about the community drivers. I was impressed by what she said too.

OP, you are being sensible and responsible. We all need to accept that we will not be happy/safe driving forever. If you can afford it, get a taxi to take you. Enjoy your family, forget the cost!