Missing family

You made the move for some good reasons.

I do find this time of life a bit confusing.
We retired/semi retired. I didnt see that coming. Then DH went back to work. Didnt see the timing of that either. We had considered moving nearer to where they are.
But meanwhile our kids are still moving houses.
It is such a changable time of life.
And unpredictable.

‘The winters seem long, wet, windy and grey’. Yes, that’s ’cos in Northern Europe they usually are - and worse if you’re not very happy or have health problems or feel, sadly, you might have made a bad life decision.

What a shame to leave a ‘lovely’ house. How do you know your kids won’t need or decide to move again? Your life is no longer enmeshed in their life!

Why not turn your arrangements around? Catering, hosting, all heavy on time and money. But you now have 2 small Grandchildren, so if you want to encourage a strong bond, why not also regularly visit them? Maybe if space is at a premium, stay somewhere cheap and cheerful nearby, offer some time with the children before their days are all tied up with school and activities, do some babysitting now and then - and when was that ever not welcome? Arrange their visits to you in advance and use your time and freezer capacity to prepare lots of good food for less cost. Free time without pressure doing batch cooking can free up so much time for more fun with your family.

And gradually work through and sort out your own feelings, don’t think negative stuff - life will all too soon arrive to remove the rug from under you. Look forward to planned get-togethers and impromptu meet-ups; maybe halfway between your home and theirs. It’s not difficult to put together picnics to share in a good park/Pub/green space somewhere.

Don’t just seize the day, but get hold of life by the scruff. Help yourself to feel happy and it will really make a difference.

We are moving to be closer to one of our daughters and GC but will be almost one and a half /2 hours away from our other daughters and GCs in London. However, they all encouraged the move. Right now we don’t live close to any of them.
We have no idea if this will work out but are excited about the area we are moving to which is on the South Downs. Am thinking that you are measuring your life choices by what the family think or how hard it is to put them up - I know this because when they visit us now they have to stay over. As others have said suggest a midway point between all of you, we have done this and all met up for the day. Or is it possible for you to travel to them and book into a b&b nearby for a night or two if you like your independence and comfort. We have also done this.
Only you can decide whether you want to stay or move but try alternative visiting options first.
All the best.

Yes I agree that looking for a couple of places that are roughly halfway, where you could meet up. Do you have some particular places or things you enjoy/ So you might meet up at a NT place, or a garden centre. Do you like swimming in a pool? look around and I think that if the sea is not clean enough to swim in you could find a pool, where you might also meet some new friends.

It is easy to look through rose coloured spectacles, at what you left. If you really think about moving back, I suggest that you try spending a month in a b/b or flat in your old place, but go now or later in autumn or winter. Everywhere looks lovely in the summer and people are out and about but you need to try it out in a real way, when the weather is awful and see if you really do have anything worth going back. You also need to think that your grandchildren will grow up and do their own thing and you may not see a lot of them, so you really need to find what suits the pair of you, rather than relying on the family to provide you with company. it is best to really try something out for at least 4/6 weeks, or the holiday feel will give you ideas that may not be true once you move again.

You said in a previous post that you had moved several times and in 2020 you were living in Chislehurst.. did you move to the sea after that? The South coast is no distance from Clapham especially as there is a rail line to it.. I think it is probably something else that you are having difficulties with.. perhaps talk to a life coach?

Speaking as someone with older GC, don’t expect them to stay like they are when small.

Our 20 year old GS now has a GF who he spends weekends with, and our 17 year old GD has a weekend job, plus social life, plus studying for A levels.

They are not that bothered about seeing us GP’s like they did when young. Times change.

Ask your children to make their own beds when they arrive and to take the bedclothes off on the morning they are leaving and put them in the dirty clothes basket or straight into the washing machine.

Catering? You have two choices here, either serve cheap meals, things like macaroni and cheese, mince and tatties etc. or ask them to contribute by paying for one meal.

I wonder if this is one of the cultural differences between the UK and Denmark ? My Danish family has always expected family that visited to help with housework, buy some of the food, or invite the hosts out for a meal, and certainly assumes that anyone over the age of 10 can make a bed, or take the used linen off it.

Don't you do this as a matter of course in Britain?

Unfortunately if you have a less than happy marriage that will be the case wherever you live, however beautiful the view. Are you missing the availability of family because they provided a distraction from the reality of everyday life?

Instead of swimming in the sea, could you have a membership to your local pool and visit there once a day instead?

You need to get involved with 'local' things to keep yourself busy

Thanks everyone for all your thoughtful and helpful comments. I really appreciate the trouble you’ve taken to read my rather long posts 😉 and formulate your replies. And yes there are indeed other factors involved. It is a much bigger picture than I have painted with family tragedies and huge life events that have probably messed with my head and made me want to seek peace and tranquility. Nothing is simple in this life is it?
You have all given me loads of food for thought and I feel quite overwhelmed! It’s made me realise I’m a bit of a soft touch. Both my daughters and son in law work really hard work. The one with the children has an especially demanding full time job and it’s my natural instinct to want to give them a break when they come to stay with us. I want to spoil them and give them good food and tasty treats. They would happily make their own beds and always ask if I’d like them to take the bed linen off etc. Sometimes I can leave it on for the next visit but we also have other family and friends visit in between so it isn’t always possible. Because we are retired and have the time I feel that I want to spoil them while I am able, but realise that as I’m aging I will have to readjust my thinking and accept help with preparations etc. So if we do decide to stay things will have to change before too long. And with this awful shrinkflation and horrifying increase in food prices I will have to economise and make simple less expensive things.
I know my faults and I do want to try and make everyone happy at my own expense which isn’t really healthy.
I’m thinking we might give it another year and then make a decision. Our ex neighbours were in a similar position and held on here until they were 80 but selling, buying and moving was a real challenge for them. A lesson learnt!
Thanks again everyone it really has helped to receive such kind comments and helpful advice!

My parents never intended to retire to the sea, but it is what they ended up doing. As both my father and grandfather were in the army my parents were well used to moving. So when they could not find a suitable retirement home where they were living when DF retired from a second career in banking, they looked in other likely areas.

If they saw a nice property, they viewed it and if they liked it headed down to the Library (in pre-internet days) to see what activities and groups there were locally that they would enjoy. If few or none, they moved on.

They went down to the coast to visit friends, happened to look in an estate agents window, saw their dream bungalow, went to the Library, found lots of groups locally doing things they enjoyed, bought the bungalow, joined the groups, and, as DF lived independently until he was 92, they lived there for nearly 30 years and made enough friends to pack a big church for their respectcive funerals.

I think returning to the sea is very overrated. If you don’t want to move again can you go visit them more? Clapham is easy peasy from the south coast.

Can you afford to move back to London?
You may find things improve for you by the sea?
You must have really wanted to live the dream. As the DGC get older they may be able to stay with you without their DP, for holidays?

My in-laws moved 2 hours from us to the Northumberland coast when in their mid 60s. Our youngest DC loved to stay with them with her cousin. The older DC less often.

Then after about 15 years there they moved about 5 minutes drive from us. I don't remember any of our DC wanting to go there very often. Our family celebrations were often held in a hotel or restaurant.

It may have just been that they were tired as they aged and the DC had their own occasions.

Two hours isn’t that far. Could you meet half way? Pub lunch etc. maybe you could visit them? I’m 70 next year, if we have visitors, I have plenty of time to wash bedding etc. make cheaper meals, mince beef ur turkey beef can make some lovely meals. I hope you sort it out.

How about meeting half way for lunch - see the app whatshalfway

We moved further away from our family in our 50s so that we could release some capital to help our four children get on the property ladder. We enjoyed our new house in the south west but 15 years on we've moved back to a lovely flat near the family which was a good decision - and because it is a less expensive property we've got more cash to help our families in the new stage of their life.
I'd say that if you realise you've made a mistake there is nothing to stop you from moving back.

And, as you say, moving gets harder as you get older, so think about doing it sooner rather than later.

Debutante, how brave you have been to move to the sea, but even braver to choose to stay with your DH. I am in a similar situation, Victor Meldrew doesn't come close. But I have such comfort in my home, my family are mostly local(except for middle son who lives in Australia), and it is a balancing act in pleasing him and doing some stuff for myself. I go out with my beloved sis every month or so, the children come over for meals occasionally. DH is good at cooking large meals and has many other good qualities, so, you win some, you lose some!!
I think I would consider moving back to be closer to your AC. They will give you support and comfort at whatever may be ahead for you. DGD all seem to grow up and away initially, but then you will still want to see them, as they make their own way in life.
I wish you well in whatever you decide, you have a lot of empathy from a lot of us on here. Life can be very tough, do what will make you happy.

We used to talk about moving to the coast once our children had grown up and moved out. However, once we became grandparents after our DS became a dad at 19 and needed both financial and emotional support that dream was forgotten about. Our eldest DS only moved out at the age of 36. Our four AC all live fairly local and we now help out looking after our youngest DGD, our house is rarely quiet. In fact some days we barely get the chance just to have a conversation ourselves, we’re very lucky that our AC’s want to spend time with us as some many families are estranged these days and I’m not quite sure why this is.

A little of forethought would have been a good idea. Stop moaning, Some of us don't see family hardly at all as the live hundreds of miles away. A two-hour journey isn't too bad surely. I'm 83 and manage that quite well.

I would love to live nearer the sea, and do miss it. We live in a city about as far from the sea as you can get, but it's easy to catch the train to get there. Something which I really enjoyed when my first marriage broke down was volunteering. I helped at the local hospice, was a room steward in an NT mansion and helped in a charity shop. There are so many things to get involved in also there are organisations like NADFAS or other local organisations. I'm afraid that it's true that unless you make an effort to go out and do something, people don't come looking for you. On re-reading this it all sounds a bit priggish, sorry!

Let family help you. Changing beds takes 5 minutes for a younger person.
Suggest everyone brings a dish of prepared food with them. Make burgers with lots of salads. Bought pizzas with salad. Bought in desserts , cakes ice cream. Remember they love you and are coming to see you not a 5 star hotel. Don't stress.
Enjoy them.
If you make life easier for yourself you may start to enjoy where you are

I’ve always lived near the sea and have loved it but my children moved away from the area to find work.
I’d move in a heartbeat to live near my children and grandchildren if my husband would agree. Family are everything.

Hi Debutante, I really understand how you feel, as I am in a very similar situation - having left the big city to go back to my hometown, along the St. Lawrence River, despite my adult children's disapproval. I would love to get in touch with you so that we share our mutual experiences. Please feel free to contact me in private at anytime.

This thread reminds me of something said to me as a child when I was complaining about life and thought that changing schools would make everything ideal - “Just remember that wherever you go you will always take yourself with you”. It doesn’t sound as if the place is the real problem.