Unannounced visits !

Yes you’re right @lixy, she doesn’t do time keeping at all. It’s when it fits in with her busy social life. We invited her for Christmas dinner a couple of years ago. She turned up an hour after we said we would be eating. I expected her to come an hour before we ate. Not after. She said oh I’m not that hungry I’ve eaten. Turns out she got a better offer. I’ve not invited her since.

Thanks for explaining, long shifts.
You shouldn’t have to, but locking gates/doors seems the only way other than going out more so you’re not there.

This is about boundaries. Ignore the guilt laden posts about not having mom's and such. No one has to put up with bad behavior no matter who it is.

She is being disrespectful. Of your time. Of the fact that you have asked her to stop and plan ahead. Of the fact that the toddler needs a routine.

My suggestion is to make it so she can't let herself in. And then don't let her in if she doesn't call ahead. Plan a visit once a week, or however often is acceptable to you both, and then stick to it on your end.

She will eventually learn.

Tell her if she does it just once more you will never speak to her again. And mean it!

imaround

This is about boundaries. Ignore the guilt laden posts about not having mom's and such. No one has to put up with bad behavior no matter who it is.

She is being disrespectful. Of your time. Of the fact that you have asked her to stop and plan ahead. Of the fact that the toddler needs a routine.

My suggestion is to make it so she can't let herself in. And then don't let her in if she doesn't call ahead. Plan a visit once a week, or however often is acceptable to you both, and then stick to it on your end.

She will eventually learn.

Thank you - you’re spot on !

I would phone her and make an arrangement to visit adding that from now on you want the visits to be arranged as you do not like the way it has been with the casual dropping in. If she does turn up unannounced open the door and say its not convenient and you will arrange something later.

It will be an awkward 2 minute conversation or this will go on forever.

Elowen33

I would phone her and make an arrangement to visit adding that from now on you want the visits to be arranged as you do not like the way it has been with the casual dropping in. If she does turn up unannounced open the door and say its not convenient and you will arrange something later.

It will be an awkward 2 minute conversation or this will go on forever.

Elowen33 she would kick off !! Massively. Shes known to throw almighty tantrums if things don’t go her way.

But you’ve all made me realise I need to stand my ground. We all try not to upset her because of her tendency to flip - but it’s actually really upsetting me. I work long shifts. Look after my granddaughter, which I love, and yes, I’m sometime tired and I do like my space, or a nap with the bubba 🤣 so these unannounced visits need to stop. I’m 99% sore there will be one tomorrow. I’m ready !

This is really something that depends on your relationship. My mum didn't live close enough to do this but I wouldn't have minded if she had. My daughters pop in now and again but they work full time so not often, but they did frequently when kids were at school and they either didn't work or did part time. If your relationship is different you have to deal with it on your terms.

Just keep the doors locked! I hate anyone calling unannounced!

You could have a coat ready so that if she calls in you can put it on as you answer the door and tell her you're just off out with the little one if she is there, and on your own if she's not. Even if it means driving round the block, or going for a walk when you'd rather be relaxing at home, after a couple of times your mum should get the message that it's inconvenient for her when she turns up unannounced. To keep yourself 'in the right', you could suggest she calls back in a couple of hours, so you're not turning her away altogether, but making the point that she needs to visit on your terms, not hers.

You have a right to live as you choose, and your mum's idea that she has a right to drop in whenever she likes can't trump that.

When I was growing up people were always just popping in to our house- often they didn't even knock, but there was a chair by the door and whoever; Aunts, Uncles, family friends all would pop in, park themselves on the chair for a few minutes, often on their way home.
I considered this completely normal.
When my kids were little because we lived further away- it was more unusual for people to pop by, but once my sister came round when I was out. When I came back she had been sitting in my neighbours house chatting away, having tea and cake, until I turned up.
All this was perfectly normal.
Now I live closer to my family and we tend to send messages before we visit, but my front door is always open if I know someone is coming and they just let themselves in.
This seems perfectly normal to me...
I think your mum probably thinks her behaviour is perfectly normal too- we don't have to like everyone who turns up on the doorstep but I do still think we have to make them feel welcome...?

Her behaviour is not normal for her daughter though.

It is definitely not normal for someone to always ignore someone else's needs.
It takes two to have a normal relationship - and we all know that it's not unreasonable to call and arrange something if that is what we've been asked to do. It's not at all normal to tell someone you are going to do as you want and just ignore them....

For what it's worth, my family was also "open house".

There is nothing ‘wrong’ with open house, but there is nothing intrinsically right about it either. If everyone agrees, then both are fine, but as soon as one person doesn’t like it then boundaries are crossed. That doesn’t mean the disliker is difficult - just that they have a different point of view.

A lot of people on this thread seem to be ignoring that, and assuming that there is a lack of love, or an ‘uptightness’ about someone who isn’t happy to have people intruding on their day to suit themselves.

I don’t see it like that at all. My home is my refuge from the world, and much as I love entertaining and having people over, I need to know that I can be alone and private when I want to, and not have everything on show to anyone who wants to drop in at their convenience. It matters to me, and expecting that to be respected doesn’t seem a big deal to me.

"I wish my mother was still alive" type comments are totally misplaced and unhelpful. I certainly can't live life overly accommodating other people's demands, thoughtlessness and bad manners simply because l may outlive them.
Condolences where applicable.

Agreed, Old Frill.

Keepingquiet just because something is 'normal' for you does not mean it is 'normal' for everybody else.

My childhood 'normal' was never knowing from one Christmas to the next where in the world (quite literally) I would be celebrating it. It was normal in my life to constantly change schools(10 in all) and homes (21 permanent addresses by the time I was 21). It is what our family did and all the families round us - because my father was in the army and we moved around and lived with other army families. I suggest that for all but a tiny percentage of people, that was not their normal, but it was mine and all I knew.

Anyway why should 'normal' especially other people's normal be the standard by which we judge people, especially people we do not know.

There are plenty of us on this thread who have absolutely agreed with the OP and described their 'normal' ,for you to know that your normal is not necessarily the only one.

The normal that allowed casual unannounced calls was when it was normal for women to be home based after marriage. No jobs apart from the odd pin money job, no telephones making it impossible to call, and a domestic drudgery that made interuption welcome.

Times have changed, women work often nbusy demanding jobs. Their time at home is precious and often carefully allocated. They may well work from home, all or part of the time. They can be contacted from almost anywhere by mobile phone, either phone, text or email. There is no reason for not asking someone whether you can call in.

I wish my mum was still here to pop around ad hoc. Have you ever had to live on your own, at 73 it can be awful, and very lonely. Have you ever been ignored by your grandchildren, who love to see you when you go round,but never contact you, and rarely do you see your beautiful GGrandchildren. Walk in another's shoes for a little while.

I think we need to appreciate not everyone has or had a close relationship with their mother, that they'd want her popping in all the time. I was lucky I did, but my mother never lived close enough and I don't think it was in her nature to impose herself. Personally I don't like people coming round unannounced, it is slightly different with family. I remember doing that very thing once to an aunt who lived half an hour a way, when I packed my then 18 month old into the car, she'd never seen him. She did welcome us but with a "maybe phone next time, I do have various things I do, I'm not just here all the time" Quite right! what was I thinking. I also remember one of my school friends who lived close to our town on our route home from school and her incredibly tolerant Irish parents who operated an open house for all the friends of their 3 children, forever traipsing in and out, my parents would have gone spare, I'm pretty sure just as well our house's proximity wasn't anything like Grand Central.

M0nica

Keepingquiet just because something is 'normal' for you does not mean it is 'normal' for everybody else.

My childhood 'normal' was never knowing from one Christmas to the next where in the world (quite literally) I would be celebrating it. It was normal in my life to constantly change schools(10 in all) and homes (21 permanent addresses by the time I was 21). It is what our family did and all the families round us - because my father was in the army and we moved around and lived with other army families. I suggest that for all but a tiny percentage of people, that was not their normal, but it was mine and all I knew.

Anyway why should 'normal' especially other people's normal be the standard by which we judge people, especially people we do not know.

There are plenty of us on this thread who have absolutely agreed with the OP and described their 'normal' ,for you to know that your normal is not necessarily the only one.

The normal that allowed casual unannounced calls was when it was normal for women to be home based after marriage. No jobs apart from the odd pin money job, no telephones making it impossible to call, and a domestic drudgery that made interuption welcome.

Times have changed, women work often nbusy demanding jobs. Their time at home is precious and often carefully allocated. They may well work from home, all or part of the time. They can be contacted from almost anywhere by mobile phone, either phone, text or email. There is no reason for not asking someone whether you can call in.

Ifyou read my post you will see that it is now 'normal' for people to message me before they come and vice versa. We just didn't have that option back in the day, did we?

Maybe I was just expressing a little nostalgia for those days?

Reading your post though did remind me that we did begin to get visitors on Saturday evenings- my sister used to call round with her family. At first it was ok, but after a few weeks we realised they thought it was ok just to carry on doing it.
We started being out, and eventually they went elsewhere. The funny thing is they are still the same... they are always the first to arrive at a family event and the last to leave. I think some people are just like that.
I do have sympathy with OP- but both parties need to work on their communication skills to avoid a big fall out they may later regret.

I am not a kettle hunter, & wouldn’t dream of just turning up on someone’s doorstep. I get where the op is coming from.
I prefer a quick call or text to book a window to visit either way.

My in laws were dreadful and that was my husband’s opinion too. They would both turn up uninvited and at all odd hours as well. We moved away to be about an hours drive away and then they left a house they had live in for more than 50 years to be just down the road from us. Without telling us!

We lived in a bungalow that had a lockable side gate so we thought we (3 sons) were safe from interference. Boy were we wrong! One day they turned up unasked as usual. Our cars were out front so they knew we were in. Cue banging, putting hands through letterbox, shouting, rattling side gate, trying to lift it off the hinges, absolute mayhem ensued. My husband had originally gone to open front door before we realised who it was ( before banging etc) and ended up lying on floor underneath letterbox trying to avoid the hand. My eldest son aged 14 got stuck climbing out his bedroom window and I had to blow cover to rescue him. He had panicked they were coming in to examine him as they usually did.

The other two had sneaked out and hid in the garden shed, the little sods 🤣

I had to let them in and suffer their company on my own for a couple of hours. My husband legged it without seeing them, and my boys had to hide outside until they left.

Looking back it was hilarious but at the time they had to do a lot of grovelling to get back in my good books.

Total sympathy with OP. I would never drop in on a DD without contacting her first, and DW would not have, either. And they always let me know when they plan to call.

Whetertomorrow your post hilarious

My sympathies with the OP. Her mother is determined to come, whenever, and is reducing her daughter to child status: you do what I want.
Very difficult to dissuade and it will only get worse. When the granddaughter is at school, time to bolt doors front and back and refuse to answer the door.
My mother used to turn up in the evening and stay for hours. I was working full time, had two young children and I treasured the peace of a few hours alone, then would come the knock on the door, several nights a week.

I'm 86 and come from a generation where it was perfectly normal to 'pop in' to neighbours, friends, family without prior arrangement. The visits weren't formal, no-one cared if you were in the middle of ironing or baking a cake, you just carried on with what you were doing.
You had a cuppa and a chat, (and you continued ironing etc) then she went home. The visits could last 20 minutes or 2 hours, it didn't matter and stay at home housewives (which we mainly were in those days) were seldom lonely.
I miss it.