Unannounced visits !

I would never regard my mum or dad as visitors. I wish they were both still here to come whenever they liked.

flappergirl

Tell her if she does it just once more you will never speak to her again. And mean it!

Really?

I completely sympathise - my mum was a shocker and woukd have done this if we’d been living closer . My friends mum did it all the time. She solved it by moving to a different county!
What would happen if you told her to go away , as not convenient? And locked back door !

I have asked her numerous times to please let me know when she is intending to ‘pop in’ but she completely ignores me. She genuinely thinks she can do whatever she wants. In every situation.

What can I do next without a full blown argument as it’s actually getting really annoying that even though I’ve quite clearly asked her to not do it. She still does.

Next she drops in tell her, politely, you won't be unlocking the door again to any unannounced visits. Keep your doors and gates locked.

RillaofIngleside

flappergirl

Tell her if she does it just once more you will never speak to her again. And mean it!

Really?

Yeah really, that’s how many view close family members, shrieks of ‘toxic’ if their Mother dares to pop in without making an appointment like a dentist.
A poster says it’s nothing to do with love or not but I beg to differ, as if you love your Mum you will never object to her wanting or needing to see you.
Thos who don’t love their Mothers or even like them very much will naturally object to them popping in.

She is her family?

I would answer the door and say politely 'it's not a good time, please ring beforehand' and shut the door.
Don't let her in, make her stand on the doorstep numerous times until she realises she's had a wasted journey.

And whoever do you leave the backdoor unlocked. Don't!!

Why ever ...... not Whoever

JdotJ

I would answer the door and say politely 'it's not a good time, please ring beforehand' and shut the door.
Don't let her in, make her stand on the doorstep numerous times until she realises she's had a wasted journey.

And whoever do you leave the backdoor unlocked. Don't!!

Unbelievable 😲☹️

Oreo

RillaofIngleside

flappergirl

Tell her if she does it just once more you will never speak to her again. And mean it!

Really?

Yeah really, that’s how many view close family members, shrieks of ‘toxic’ if their Mother dares to pop in without making an appointment like a dentist.
A poster says it’s nothing to do with love or not but I beg to differ, as if you love your Mum you will never object to her wanting or needing to see you.
Thos who don’t love their Mothers or even like them very much will naturally object to them popping in.

I am the poster who said it is nothing to do with love, and I stand by it. And FWIW, I don't 'shriek' about 'toxic' when I don't get my own way 🙄

You can love someone and not want them to be there whenever they like. What about love for your husband and children? Do they want someone in their space all the time, observing everything that happens in the family? Is a mum showing love for her daughter if she overrules her wishes and rides roughshod over boundaries?

Maybe in some families this is usual, but the idea that everyone thinks and feels the same is what's led to this situation for the OP. Her mum feels that because she wants to drop in it's ok, and that if the OP loved her she wouldn't mind, and that has left their relationship strained. Relationships, family or not, need both sides to take account of the other's feelings and respect their boundaries.

A lot of people on this thread are illustrating the mother's way of looking at it - 'My way is the only right way, and anyone who disagrees mustn't love in the right way either'.

I think that NotSpaghetti has the best solution, though you would have to be careful that this doesn't turn into a "regular" timeslot. Or perhaps a regular time might be simpler?
I get a bit irritated when my daughter drops in with my grandchildren just as we are about to have supper, but have learnt to stay unbothered by it.
I try not to drop in on her when she is likely to be busy, though it is not always easy to judge. Maybe this is DsNanny's mum's problem, she simply doesn't realise that it isn't what the family want? You can easily get a bit self-centred as you get older if you live alone.

What’s sad is that the UK must be the worst in the world for family love and harmony.Some cultures including my own welcome their close family and don’t feel the need for ‘Appointments’ if they all live nearby.
In this case, we don’t know what kind of relationship the daughter OP has with her Mother, but it sure doesn’t sound like a happy one unfortunately.

Just texting with 'are you in this afternoon?' is not making an appointment. It is allowing someone the space they need in their own home, and the right to have their needs met, not those of the 'loving' person who doesn't see those needs as relevant.

Have to agree to disagree 😄

Oreo

Have to agree to disagree 😄

Fair enough, but please don't suggest that not agreeing is a sign of not loving people enough? That's below the belt.

This is a generational issue.

Your mother grew up, and was a young adult at a time when popping in unannounced was what friends did, and family too.

I am the same age as your mother, and have accepted that this is "not the done thing" any more, but oh, how I miss it!

I would so love someone just to "pop in".

However, I do see the point of being annoyed when you have just got a child to sleep and your mother comes and wakens her up. So should she! We have all tried that, and it ain't funny.

As your mother apparently always thinks she has the right to do just as she pleases, I honestly do not think you, or anyone else in the family will change her now.

My mum died when I was 14, my dad when I was 21. I wish they could have been there to pop in when my girls were at home. Now in my late 60s and miss them every day. Anyone calling expectedly can take me and my house as they find me but the kettle will always be on.

Sometimes we need to show people we have boundaries and that includes close members of our families. Your mum is being disrespectful to you, DsNanny. You've asked her to let you know when she's coming round and she's chosen to ignore you. If I were you, the next time she turns up unannounced, I'd greet her on the doorstep and let her know, pleasantly but firmly, that it's inconvenient. Remind her again that she needs to check with you before she comes, that it's not inconvenient and that a planned arrangement is better, so that you can spend more time with her. In my opinion, she shouldn't be letting herself in either. It's an invasion of your privacy. Your privacy is clearly important to you and I don't see why you should be made to feel bad about that. Your mother needs to show you some respect.

I’m surprised that so many responses say it is ok for family to turn up unannounced. I think it is just polite to check if it is convenient to call in.

I remember some years back my niece, who I am very fond of, arrived from Italy unannounced for a short holiday! I had to reorganise the time she was with me. We were going to an event that night and I had to organise another ticket and was worried I couldn’t get her one. Everything planned for those few days had to be altered to accommodate her. I was very stressed with it all.

I had to tell her that in future she had to ask to come and stay. It was only good luck on her part that I wasn’t away from home!

I always make family and friends welcome, but at least like them to show some respect by checking in advance that it is ok.

I have a key to my daughter’s house. I can pop in anytime. I don’t barge in though. I usually just open the door and shout it’s me, can I come in. I have never been refused. If I am bringing my husband I always phone first to check it is convenient? I usually “pop in” about once a week. Sometimes I text first to check it is convenient. My daughter seems happy with the arrangement. She gave me the key. Sometimes her husband is there alone and pottering. He knows he doesn’t have to stop what he is doing. I just usually make him a cup of tea, have a quick 15 minute chat and leave. That is our normal.

I think the next time she turns up unexpectedly, you need to sit down with her and tell her that you've tried numerous times to explain to her that you don't like her calling in without checking if it's convenient first, but she's clearly not listening, as she keeps doing it, and then ask her why she does it. If she responds with 'I can do what I like' or similar, just say, and I can do what I like, so next time you turn up without checking, I won't be letting you in!' Then stick to it. Keep your doors locked, and if she turns up, either don't answer the door, or answer the door, and say 'Mum, we talked about this last time you were here, and I told you that if you didn't check in advance whether it was convenient, that I would not let you in. I'm afraid it's not convenient right now, so if you'd called or text you could have saved yourself the visit. See you soon. Bye' and shut the door. She's obviously got skin like a rhino, to think she can do as she likes and people are just going to put up with it. So you have to be equally thick skinned, and show her you mean business.

Dsnanny

M0nica and iamround for the win

You have the right to manage your own schedule as you wish

Many years ago my mother in law retired just after my 1st child was born. She took it on herself to turn up unannounced 3 times a week ever week knowing that I was worn out from sleepless nights, trying to get in a routine with baby etc. she would just sit there all day long listening to her favourite radio station and nit offer any help either. I was far too worn out to react so this went on for months. It felt like she was taking over my life because she brought stuff every other week which was turning my home into a replica of hers by putting her awful ornaments, cushions and other thing things into my house without asking. One time while hanging out washing she'd put up wall plates and said it made the room look better. Eventually enough was enough, so had to tell a few white lies about joining a keep fit group so she could only come over day a week. Since then with the boundaries set, things were a lot better and we have a lovely relationship. So I fully understand Dsnannys predicament. I'd do as others have said any lock all doors and ignore her or could you maybe do the reverse and call on her unannounced when it's inconvenient to give her a taste of her own medicine? Sometimes you have to be cruel (for want of a better word) to be kind

Doodledog

Oreo

Have to agree to disagree 😄

Fair enough, but please don't suggest that not agreeing is a sign of not loving people enough? That's below the belt.

I have to Doodledog as it’s what I believe.

We are very much only getting a one sided story in any case.