Unannounced visits !

Whethertomorrow

My in laws were dreadful and that was my husband’s opinion too. They would both turn up uninvited and at all odd hours as well. We moved away to be about an hours drive away and then they left a house they had live in for more than 50 years to be just down the road from us. Without telling us!

We lived in a bungalow that had a lockable side gate so we thought we (3 sons) were safe from interference. Boy were we wrong! One day they turned up unasked as usual. Our cars were out front so they knew we were in. Cue banging, putting hands through letterbox, shouting, rattling side gate, trying to lift it off the hinges, absolute mayhem ensued. My husband had originally gone to open front door before we realised who it was ( before banging etc) and ended up lying on floor underneath letterbox trying to avoid the hand. My eldest son aged 14 got stuck climbing out his bedroom window and I had to blow cover to rescue him. He had panicked they were coming in to examine him as they usually did.

The other two had sneaked out and hid in the garden shed, the little sods 🤣

I had to let them in and suffer their company on my own for a couple of hours. My husband legged it without seeing them, and my boys had to hide outside until they left.

Looking back it was hilarious but at the time they had to do a lot of grovelling to get back in my good books.

😂 my husband presses a certain key on his pc, sounds like someone is knocking at the door, he gets a good laugh watching me freeze on the spot.
We have a ring doorbell & can now see who’s at the door.

Can't believe some of the comments on here. Many will wish, as I do, that their mum was still alive to visit.
I'm on the drop in any time system, and so is my family. What on earth is a visitor ready house? We welcome anyone at anytime and they come to see us not how clean/tidy the house is. I'm never lonely here as everyone is always welcome.

monk08

I wish my mum was still here to pop in unannounced.

I also wish my mam was still alive to just pop in. Miss her so much. Our little chats would be so welcome right now.

I also think you would be welcomed with open arms on Mumsnet!

I hate the word 'boundaries' especially when applied to family. When did it ever become a stick to beat people with? My father would come whenever he felt, for as long as he wanted. No, it wasn't always convenient but the kettle was always on, and how I miss it now. Families should stick together unless there are genuine reasons and they would have to be really abusive for me. I really can't understand this trend of dropping the people who care for you most, even if it's not always perfect.
When you are that elderly parent I hope you are not so casually judged. Is there no empathy and kindness any more?

I don't think love is the issue. When we were very young, not every family had a telephone, so it was accepted that people would just pop in unannounced: they had no choice. Now virtually everyone has a phone, it seems to me to be a matter of simple courtesy to check that a visit will be convenient, and indeed that the 'visitee' is actually at home.

Honestly, I think there are a lot of crossed wires on this thread.

IMO, wanting time to oneself is not synonymous with not caring, casually judging, not loving, dropping a family member or anything similar. Nor does it mean that someone wouldn't be there for anyone who needed them.

It just means that people can have a cuddle with their husband, watch rubbish on TV, stay in pyjamas all morning (or all day if they like), leave the washing up for tomorrow or whatever, and not feel judged. Those who have families who don't judge should think themselves lucky, and not sit in judgement on those whose families are different.

Also, people are all different - extroverts recharge by being in constant company, and introverts need time alone to recharge theirs. Neither is right or wrong.

How lucky you are that your mum wants to visit. Does it matter that you have a few toys lying around and unwashed dishes in the sink? I had an unexpected visitor just this afternoon. Washing up waiting to be done, half way through making my Victoria sponge for the VE Day cake competition, husband has his tools spread about the floor, pile of line dried washing waiting to be folded and put away.
That said, your Mum sounds rather inconsiderate if you have explained to her how you all feel. A quick call to let you know she's on her way so you can have the door open ready for her so she doesn't wake the little one.
It could be that she doesn't want to sit at home on her own. Perhaps you could find out about groups near to her like NWR (National Women's Register), U3A, etc. She might actually just not like being on her own.

I think it is projection Doodle Dog. Because they allow it, and like it, it must be the only way things are done. I am quite positive that some of these commenters have never had a toxic family member as the OP does.

It does not matter what anyone else thinks how they do things, the OP has said that the behavior makes her uncomfortable and has asked it to stop. The Op has asked for tips on how to combat the behavior and many posters are piling on the guilt for not allowing the bad behavior in the first place. The OP has said that this is long time behavior, her brother has also had enough and her mother will throw a tantrum is she doesn't get her way. No one has to accept that behavior.

I’m in complete agreement with you regarding your Dm calling round whenever she wants, after being told by you to ring first. She’s entitled snd rude in my opinion.
You say she would throw a tantrum if you told her at the door that it wasn’t convenient. She sounds quite unhinged and the tantrums are obviously how she has always got her own way, as you say all the family tiptoe around her in fear of her having a meltdown.
So, if she’s going to have a tantrum, let her and ignore her. That is the only way she will learn that the world does not revolve around her and her wants.

We are always happy to see anyone who comes round it is nice to think they want to spend some time with us. We have 5 children and they all have a front door key to our house and we have front door keys to their houses . All the children and grandchildren know they come round at any time and we know we can do the same with them, we live on the seafront and have always said they can use our house as a base while they are on the beach, if I am in the middle of something they all know where the coffee / tea is kept so they help themselves. My mother is 96 next week and up until a month ago would just pop in for a quick chat and a coffee and then sometimes come back in the afternoon , at her age I make the most of these visits as time is precious at her age.

As I am writing this my eldest grandson and his friend have come round to go surfing , I like to think they have just come to see us but the free car parking and warm drink when they finish surfing might be the main reason they are here

I think this is a bit of a generational issue. When we didn’t have telephones ( let alone mobiles) relatives who lived away turned up unexpectedly at mu mum and dad’s. My sister and I have had to try and re-educate our brother and his wife that turning up as and when they feel like it can be a bit annoying when a quick text is all that is needed. We have an unwritten rule in our family “are you open for coffee “ text which has worked very well all these years. Even my sister and I use it and we live next door to each other!!

If the doorbell or hairy woof alarm goes off, I quickly put on my coat.
If its someone I love or like, then I've just got in but if it's someone I don't want to entertain then I'm just going out. This cunning ploy stops anyone getting hurt and also means that I'm a happy bunny. 😊

I too wished that my Dear Mum was still here to pop in.

Poppyred

Just keep the doors locked! I hate anyone calling unannounced!

So do I even though I love alley family and friends, but I work from home, I just can't stop. My visits are always pre-arranged or I can't function.
I would never visit anyone either without an invitation and never invite myself.
This is how I was brought up and continue to do.

Ditto I never bothered. My FIL used to just pop in when driving his taxi...Loved it

DollyD

I’m in complete agreement with you regarding your Dm calling round whenever she wants, after being told by you to ring first. She’s entitled snd rude in my opinion.
You say she would throw a tantrum if you told her at the door that it wasn’t convenient. She sounds quite unhinged and the tantrums are obviously how she has always got her own way, as you say all the family tiptoe around her in fear of her having a meltdown.
So, if she’s going to have a tantrum, let her and ignore her. That is the only way she will learn that the world does not revolve around her and her wants.

I totally agree with this, but easier said than done when it is your own mum

my mum popped in every day ,and always had a smile on her face, and when I got a part time job she was there to open the door for my children when they came home from school, oh what I'd give to see her one more time coming past my window

I work from home. I have things going on that, if interrupted can mess with my entire schedule.

What someone wants to do in my home (visit) isn’t more important than what I need (not to be interrupted).

I find it incredibly rude to impose yourself on someone without warning. It sends the message of, “what I want is more important than anything you have going on” imo, and is completely disrespectful.

I get that others feel differently, which is totally fine, it’s when you force your way of doing things on others, despite having been told no (as with OP’s mother) that there’s a problem. Why on earth should OP’s mother override OP in her own home?

Loving someone doesn’t mean they get to do whatever they like and you have to accept it.

Personally, OP, I’d quit allowing her in. “I’m not available to visit, I’ll call to arrange something.” Your mother continues to do as she likes because it works. If dropping in didn’t work, she’d quit doing it. You’ve asked, repeatedly. So now it’s time to enforce your boundaries and make your no mean something

pably15

my mum popped in every day ,and always had a smile on her face, and when I got a part time job she was there to open the door for my children when they came home from school, oh what I'd give to see her one more time coming past my window

Thats fine, because it suited you both, the question is the problems that arise, when someone pops in at times that are really inconvenient and cannot be made to understand that the other person would prefer some notice.

I speak to my mum two or three times a day, also pop round to hers most days. The visits I could do without are hubbys two mates, one looks through the window, the other used to come 9pm & stay to well after midnight. He didn’t get the “ wind the clock up & put the cat out” 🙄 I had to Tell him, we are on our way to bed when he visited-partly why I ended up with a ring doorbell.

Every one has a mobile these days, so why don’t people text fam/friends to give a heads up that they want to visit.
We have had family visit from as far as Chester, no warning, because they fancied a drive up.

Almost needs a mediator. Someone else who can communicate to both daughter and mother so daughter can stop repeating herself and mother can practice respecting another adult's privacy.

Those of you who moan about mothers who just drop by unannounced just do not realise what you have! And it’s blooming well annoying to read!!! I would give anything for my mam to come and visit. She died back in 2009. 😭

ExDancer

I'm 86 and come from a generation where it was perfectly normal to 'pop in' to neighbours, friends, family without prior arrangement. The visits weren't formal, no-one cared if you were in the middle of ironing or baking a cake, you just carried on with what you were doing.
You had a cuppa and a chat, (and you continued ironing etc) then she went home. The visits could last 20 minutes or 2 hours, it didn't matter and stay at home housewives (which we mainly were in those days) were seldom lonely.
I miss it.

Reminds me of my childhood - and I'm 15 years younger than you - and I miss it too