Living alone worries

Charleygirl. So sorry to hear of your bad experience. I hope you have recovered from the fall.
Best wishes.

For the dog situation you could do with someone who checks in with you once a day. A dog can cope for a day but no longer really. Ideally a next door neighbor would have a key so if they heard the dog barking or whining longer than usual they'd check you're around. Or have your sons adjust their expectations so you'd have a call or text with one of them daily, and they'd call whoever was your key holder if they felt you needed to be checked on. Basically you need to be setting up a daily check in cycles one way or another. And make sure people know you have a vulnerable pet that needs to be thought of if you are not responding.

Loneliness is a desperately terrible thing. .awful sad and depressing. If people want to vent I'm OK with it.

I always carry my phone wigh me and keep it charged. My DD has put me on the Life360 tracker app so she can see where I am as I get out and about a lot. If I haven't moved much from home, she will check on Whatsapp.
It works 2 ways- I can track her too!

Abnuyc123 You should set something up if the kids wouldn’t take your pet.

A long time ago, I was a florist, the surviving daughters came into my shop and ordered a 3D dog done in fliers for their dead mom. I just happened to ask about the dog and how much it missed its owner. ‘I doubt it said one daughter, we had it put down’!! Great some kids aren’t they 😡🤬

Luckygirl3

The LA with which I was a social worker thought about initiating a scheme in which vulnerable adults living alone were phoned each day. I was against this as I felt that people might rush to get to the phone and fall over!

That would not happen when the contacts is by radio which can be interactive all over the house. My emergency call service is radio not landline phone. I fully expect every LA in the country has a radio emergency contact service.

The radio is a small machine that stands wherever you choose in your house. You wear a remote control pendant or wristlet to switch it on if you need it.

If the office want to check up on you the radio is loud enough for you to hear all over the house, and you can respond from anywhere in the house, sitting on the loo if necessary.

I think that some of the replies on here are quite insensitive! The lady was obviously feeling vulnerable and lonely. We are all different and cope with things in different ways, some better than others. That’s all I’m going to say because no doubt someone will now have a go at me!

henetha

I've been on my own for over 16 years now so am very used to it. One of my sons whatsapp's me every day to make sure I'm ok. And I have an Alexa set up to call him if I simply shout his name.
I am pretty scared of lying here after a stroke or similar, but try to push it aside in my head and just hope for the best.
I don't have any help other than a nice gardener/window cleaner chap.
So far so good, but I am aware that something is going to happen in the not so distant future... I'm 88 next month.

I have Alexa set up too, to phone son 1 if I just call, then I don’t need to have the neck alarm or phone with me.
Three of my neighbours have keys, as my sons are not good at remembering to bring keys in case I’m not at home if they’re dropping something off or collecting something.
Strangely enough, I don’t worry as much about dying suddenly as I do about having a stroke and being totally incapacitated. (That’s also the reason I have had to start wearing pyjamas instead of sleeping in my skin!)

During lockdown our family started playing the Wordle game and we put our results in a special family Whatsapp group so we could all see how everyone got on each day. We still do it as it also means we know that everyone is up and about each morning without feeling we are checking up on each other

Try and get out for a walk every day if you can. Greet people with an "Hello". I have made friends with a number of people by doing just that. I walked with the dog twice every day and met the same people on the walk. Of course one worries about falling, but if you die suddenly you wont know anything about it will you?

I envy you your Daughter I really do. Mine did a bunk now I'm on my own. All the best.

I do not want to alarm you. Please do get a wrist alarm system and keep it on and charged. My Aunt (67) was always out and about, but had a nasty habit of hanging her pendant on the door, and it was 3 days before the neighbour found her. We were used to her being out an about, so had not worried that we had missed her.
My niece 45, does still work, but has a press alarm on her phone too because she lives alone

Elsi Loneliness is a desperately terrible thing. .awful sad and depressing. If people want to vent I'm OK with it

me too.. so very heartwarming to hear someone say this...

I don’t think it’s an issue going for a few days without talking to anyone. Lots of people aren’t extroverts and getting older doesn’t change that. I think you’re lucky having family nearby. If it was me I’d ask them to text daily or respond to my text, to ensure that you and your dog are ok. No need for chatting….they will be busy! If that feels not enough, I’d also have a personal alarm.

It may not help at all , but when my husband was alive there were times when he was away for things on his own and I did likewise. I found when he died, that things that had never concerned me became a problem. So when there were two of us I never thought about checking that the door was locked more than once, or going round checking the windows on the ground floor. But once I was on my own, they became a worry. In the beginning I just accepted it was part of the general situation, but then I firstly trained myself to only allow for testing the door twice and then no matter how on edge I felt would not turn back. So the compromise was that I would do this when going to the local shops so that it didnt take long for the confidence in my own checking to improve. I had a key lock fitted and my son knows the numbers, but so does a local trusted friend, so that I feel if there is any possibility of a medical emergency she can check me out , as I do for her, so there is that reassurance that friends who know your sort of routine would be likely to notice that you had not gone to something quite quickly. Sometimes in the early days I could think that he was away and carry on the way I would have done, but of course you know the reality. However thinking about what you did do when he was away, can give you some help to think what you enjoyed on your own and maybe think of joining a group who have the same interests. If you find something to enjoy, the other thing is that he never went to that group, so you are not constantly reminded that he is no longer with you. Of course it does not always work, and on occasions you have to just accept that it is a bad day, lock the doors, have a cry if that helps , do something comforting - eat an icecream - read some rubbish - have a long bath. Whatever can take the edge off the misery, but promise yourself that the next day you will go out to something, even if it to walk to a cafe you have never visited before, just to have something new to try.

The main thing I think is to learn to accept that this is not a straight road to a different way of living. You can have two or three days when you are able to do various things and try something new. But you can never know which days will be better than others. I found that anniversaries were not as bad as I expected. I suppose that you sort of mentally prepare for that difficult day, but a renewal letter from a magazine he took, arriving unexpectedly could floor me . So I actually do not try to look for any sort of measurement of how things are going. Just make the best of good days and in a very simple way I began to put either a simple star in the diary or an exclamation mark. Star positive , exclamation mark, negative. and I did not try to compare or count them for a very long time. But after a couple of years, when I was very down one time I looked back and was cheered to see that almost imperceptably I was managing to do that bit more. It was no good looking for improvements in the short term, but I could look right back and then even seeing that I popped into a cafe that I had not been in before, just on the off chance was good. The fact that I hadnt had to think and organise it down to the last moment. If you enjoy gardening, I do think it is the most excellent pastime. For me , it has been a lifesaver. However I am feeling , I can find an outlet gardening. Get those secateurs and snip away, thinking of someone like Trump cheers me and lets me let off steam without actually screaming out loud. Weeding gives you a great chance to scrumple up plants and dig about and physically do somethin. At the end of your efforts, your garden will look a bit better and you will be more relaxed, and of course you can look out of the window and see how far you have come. Wishing you all the best

I'm only 70 and still out and about most days but was made very aware of the risks when a friend, who is younger than me, though in poorer health, had a fall in her house. She was going out and fell in the hall. Her phone was already in the car and she couldn't get up! She was there for over 2 days before her son phoned her next door neighbour to check on her! She had a bottle of water with her otherwise who knows...! It made me think, though at the moment I haven't made any changes.
One of my younger friends told me how her mother in law set off her alarm by accident. After a certain amount of panic, as my friend wasn't able to go and check on her and had to send someone else, she was found safe and well and oblivious to the worry she had caused. Meanwhile when my mum had a pendant alarm, and despite falling during the night, didn't press it as she 'didn't want to bother anyone' and waited until morning! Sadly there is no perfect solution, but some kind of wearable alarm is probably the best thing. I always intend to have my phone with me but if it is charging it is rarely within reach and I've been known to go out without it in those circumstances! During the pandemic I used to go shopping late at night to avoid other people. One time I forgot my phone and DD called me and was worried sick when I didn't answer it, or my landline. I returned home to about 20 missed calls! DS and DD both live about 200 miles away so I'd be reliant on friends or neighbours if I had a crisis.

BlueBelle

I stand by what I said the poster didn’t ask for bereavement help she did post in the right thread and she’s 20 years older I think Whiff gives great advice and is a much loved member but I also think this time she was a bit harsh

I agree with BlueBelle re the comments from Whiff.
I'm sorry to hear the posters husband has died. I always feel for people (like my Mum) who have had a long married life and then are left on their own.
I'm on my own because unfortunately I've always chosen the wrong men who have treated me badly. I have no children, not by choice but the way things worked out. I have no close family left as my sister died a few years ago. It is true you need to try and do things because if you don't make an effort no one else will but it depends how mobile you are. Sadly my Mum wasn't very mobile so when Dad died she was in most of the time. I'm 71 this week and am used to being on my own now. I don't want to be hurt again by another relationship. I do team sports (darts and ten pin bowling - my bowling partner is 85) , joined the local WI and have just started chair based Pilates (we do stand up as well (not comedy!). I am lucky enough to have some good friends but wouldn't want to put on them. I can understand the poster being a bit worried, she is not being irrational. I actually like time to myself but worry if I get to the point I can't care for myself or get really ill. I've travelled a lot and have just booked a week in Croatia next month. I wish Abnuyc123 well.

I find a vest with a breast pocket is the best for a smartphone. Saves worry when alone.

Abnuyc123, just about your dog.

- I would put down water in all the rooms he uses. Enough for at least a week. He will be able to survive for a week at least without food but not water.
- if he is from a rescue, if you could not look after him he may have to back to them, depending on your contract.
- Put him in your will if you can and where he should go / offer to cover his costs?

- Look up: www.animalscharities.co.uk/older-pets-and-older-people Read especially about The Cinnamon Trust, Dogs Trust as well as the other links mentioned for support for your dog if you pass away before him. Contact them now, get it done, then you can relax,

-On your phone Add a contct called ICE (In Case of Emergency) It's for contact numbers but add that there is a dog at your house. (In case you were outside and taken to hospital)
- I would try to set up
a) Short term stay contact for him - if you were briefly in hospital
b) Medium term - where he could stay if you were in hospital for a few days. (Your short term contact could use kennels for medium term.
c) Long term. See earlier note.
Tell your vet your plans for him.

Otherwise, and for your dog of course, try to set up a way to summon help if you need it. Something around your neck maybe?
Best wishes,

Frogoet

Really impressed with suggestions but agree with an earlier post. People are harsh
Knowing what to do is some of it. Not being motivated is enough.
We don’t all wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed.
Some of us lose touch with friends and clubs/ activities are not quite the same.
Not always a question of do it yourself but circumstance.
I never imagined my life could be so narrow though I ‘do’ lots.

That's an odd conundrum isn't it? A shrinking life but still out and about.

I set up my own group because there wasn’t a suitable one in our area. We meet fortnightly in the golf club. We had an afternoon tea today to celebrate 5 years. We help each other and support each other on a Wassap group.

Don’t wait for company to look for you:
I had 2 friends visit on Saturday, I rang a friend and we went out for dinner on Sunday. At a loss on Monday (lost my little dog a week ago). I drove alone to the coast and had a lovely day out. Took a picnic to eat on the beach and had a mooch round the charity shops.
I’ve had too many long weekends alone.

My large family live near and I see them as often as possible, but I can’t expect them to cart me along to everything.

Go out and look for it! Good luck!

jennerdysphoria since my DH died 4 years ago I’ve not shut either the bathroom or cloakroom doors, just leave them slightly open, simply because I have a fear of being shut in and not being able to get out. If other people are in the house then I do shut the doors!

Firstly, sorry to hear about the death of your husband.
As I have been on my own since 2014 with family living or spending most of their lives abroad. So I am interested to know what having Alexi or whatever does?
I can remember it can answer one but as for an alarm. what does it do? I ask as I have been thinking of getting something just in case I become ill etc

My husband died in 2023, so the same sort of thoughts have been going through my head.

First: I am sorry for your loss, I don't know how recent it is, but that is not really relavent, as we all mourn differently.

With regards to your dog: I was uncertain from what you wrote, whether you are most worried by the thought that if you died in the night, or fell or something like that, the poor animal might be distressed or even die of thirst before you were found, or whether you are concerned about what will happen to the dog, if he outlives you.

The first eventuality can be dealt with by simply finding someone, perhaps a friend of your own age, whom you can phone or text every morning, simply "Good morning, how are you?"

This is what my aunt did in her old age, as she lived alone - her next door neighbour was a similar age, and also on her own. So the two ladies had agreed to phone each other every day before a certain hour that suited them both. If no phone call had been received by one of them, they were to use their spare key and go in, or simply phone the police and state their worry.

Obviously, if either was going away, she told the other in advance.

Here in Denmark the organisation that roughtly corresponds to Age UK has a scheme by which you can ask your local unit of the organisation for a phone call every day - they then know whom to contact if you don't respond.

Regarding the dog: make arrangements with your sons regarding their either re-homing it, if it outlives you, take it themselves, or if it is old and infirm have it put to sleep. I have simply included in my will that my son is to decide what to do with any household pets that may survive me.

On a daily basis, make sure you fill the dog's water bowl up every evening at bed-time, so you are sure it will be all right, if you should be taken ill, until someone arrives to take care of it.

I carry a card in my purse w ith contact information for my son, who lives at the other end of the country, and a neigbour requesting that both should be contacted if anything happens to me, as there are pets in the house.

I hope this helps.

Keeping a mobile phone handy is sensible, but impracticable, as smart phones are too big to fit into my pockets, and I have dropped my phone out of my pocket in the garden more than once, so I no longer take it out if I am gardening. My daughter thinks this is stupid, perhaps she is right. I do take my phone up to my bedroom at night.