FTG concerned for daughter

Remember how it was? How he feels?
He's slipped from being the number 1 person to the bottom of the heap and isn't coping - so what's ne doing?
Answer:- the childish thing like refusing to co-operate with the mother of his child and going into a sulk!
There's no dealing with a person in this frame of mind - try (difficult) to ignore him and take the adult road.
Do avoid the mistake of anything that can be interpreted as 'nagging' because it leads nowhere.
On the other hand, enjoy your new baby and spoil the new mother. And, of course, congratulations to your lovely daughter.

Don't say anything to him- you may find the tables turned on you.

Despite the comparisons you are making this is not the same as the situation you went through- though it all sounds pretty horrible to me.

It sounds as if he resents your DD having time off whilst he is working very hard. It sounds like he didn't have the paternity leave he needed to support his family.

All you can do is offer practical help-go round and do the jobs your DD needs you to do for a while.

In the long term this abuse does not bode well though. Just be there for your daughter, if he works six days a week then you have lots of time when he's not there.

Don't interfere in the relationship though- that's for them to handle,

He does sound lazy and unwilling to help at all - it would hardly kill him to put his dirties in the laundry basket.

However I have to say that when I had a new baby and a toddler, and my dh was working very long hours (6 days a week when we were abroad) I honestly didn’t expect him to help with household jobs, cooking, or doing anything much at all in the way of looking after dds. It would seem unfashionable to say so now, but as a SAHM, earning nothing, I looked on all that as my job.

Should I say something to him??

Absolutely not!
Keep out of this unless you want to be branded the MIL from hell.

I was the same as Witzend, a SAHM. I did everything for the children, everything in the home. That was my job. Having said that, this son-in-law should at least put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I think it best to not get involved in this situation but to offer help to the daughter.

Offer practical support but don’t get involved in other people’s relationships. If she’s feeling “on call” 24 hrs take the baby out for a walk to give her some space. Or stay with the baby and let her go out for a bit.

Absolutely do not say anything to him.

He sounds a lot like my ex husband, selfish and immature. He bragged about being a proud father of his son but it was all talk. I went back to work part time after maternity leave and he didn't think I was contributing enough financially so eventually I went full time and had to pay for a child minder. Needless to say, he left me when our son was nearly 4 and I brought him up single handed. Some men just don't want the responsibility that comes with being a parent, although they like the idea of being "dad".

My mum had passed away before I had my son so I had no immediate support. I would advise FTG to keep on supporting her daughter and baby whilst ignoring him as much as possible. Biting your tongue is difficult but might pay dividends in the long run.

Please do not take the baby off her!!!
Take the chores off her if she will let you.
She needs to see that she is successful at being a mum even if the dinner is difficult.

She is breastfeeding- which is really important and in the early days means she gets to sit down frequently.


Do dinner, or laundry or something else - but ask her what she wants you to do.
Don't disempower her.

You can say - I really struggled with X and Y when you were a baby. Some days I felt Z.
Say you'd like to help if she doesn't mind.

Thinking of you 💐

Just te-read this and it sounds bossy. Sorry.

I was very keen to do everything myself - and hated people offering to take my babies off me so I could do something else (unless I could then have a shower of course!!)

Well no, don’t take the baby off her.

But if one of her stresses us that she’s on call 24 hrs, then knowing someone else is going to be responsible for an hour or so is a great relief.

Or it was for me anyway. The bliss of a bath or a pootle round the garden. Getting my hands dirty without having to worry about the baby.

But I admit I wasn’t very into all consuming motherhood 😬

Oh my goodness. She didn't give birth , just lay there while it happened!!!!😱😱
That is unforgivable, a c. section is not and easy ride especially after days/ hours of labour! Having said that I agree you should keep quiet , your daughter may wel resent that. Ask her what you can do to help , just be there when she needs you. Don't overwhelm her abd most importantly enjoy your grandchild!

Don't say anything as as keepingquiet has posted, this could back fire on you.

Listen and offer your support both emotionally and practically and congratulations on the birth of your GC .

I’ve got to agree with others who advise ‘say nothing’ - it could come back to bite you on the bum! Your son-in-law sounds immature and probably jealous - his standing in the home has been eroded.

My experience was much the same as Witzend but I’d have been happy for someone to offer a hand on a practical level - just to walk the baby or sit while I had a leisurely bath. Never happened though.

Honestly? When my husband was working six days a week after our second child was born, I didn’t expect him to do anything around the house either. If I couldn’t do it, it didn’t get done. He was exhausted and just didn’t have the energy to help. When one person is grafting six days a week making the money, it’s just not reasonable or fair to expect them to shoulder an equal burden at home too.

I had c-sections and just had to let the housework slide for a bit. Not putting clothes in the laundry basket is irritating, but it’s not the end of the world.

With respect - your daughter’s relationship is her own, and you can’t assume that she’s going through the same experiences as you. She’s not ‘going through the same shit’ you went through - that’s projection on your part. No one really knows what happens in a relationship but the two people involved. You can’t say anything to him - you’ll paint yourself as the MIL from hell if you do. Don’t get involved. There have been times when I vented to my mum about my husband, but she wouldn’t have gotten involved between the two of us trying to meditate, and I’m glad about that. She realised I was just letting off steam, supported me as best she could and left me to sort out my own problems and decide what was best.

You say he was great in the run up to the birth. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt - it’s tough for both of them at the moment, just in different ways. They need to recognise that the other is doing their best, and they’re both working towards the same goals (a home and a family) - they’re on the same team and need to pull together rather than get bogged down with arguments about picking up after the dog. Don’t sweat the small stuff. These are tough times with a new baby, and trying to save for a house - encourage them. It’s early days yet, the baby’s only been here for five minutes, it’s all very new and they’re settling into a new life and a new routine.

And I don’t mean this unkindly - but you say yourself your relationships with men weren’t good and yours with your daughter suffered as a result. You say you made mistakes. So you’re not the best person to be offering relationship advice or to be talking to her partner about anything. She needs advice from someone who’s been married for donkeys years and made it through the difficult patches. Maybe your daughter has a better idea of how to navigate her life than you - it’s her own, so stop imagining she’s re-running yours.

A friend of mine has found herself in a position where she is estranged from her family for interfering in what sounds like a similar situation. She had a go at the SIL in his own house because in her opinion he wasn't doing enough to support her daughter. He was working FT and the daughter was on maternity leave, but my friend felt that he should take over childcare and housework when he got in from work to give her daughter a rest, and said so in no uncertain terms. It led to a lot of heartache all round.

Ask yourself how you would feel if someone told you you were 'doing your relationship/marriage wrongly'? Or if your mum fell out with your husband and you had to take sides?

This is exactly what I was looking for, thank you all so much.
I guess I am projecting!
And yes, she's venting at me, and I will just listen.

I'm still working full time, and she lives an hour from me, so I only get to her a couple of times a week. When I get there, I do laundry, tidy, hoover, and she is so grateful! Later this week I'm going to have the baby while she get her hair done.

I will take various people's advice and keep my own counsel regarding their relationship...thank you for this bit, in particular!

I like the idea of suggesting they pull together, as they're working towards the same goal. It makes me a little sad that she's already had to book the baby into a nursery for when she goes back to work next year, but she'll only have yo work for a year or so then can become a SAHM.

Thanks again everyone.

What the heck is FTC ? Alphabet soup makes me give up 🤷🏼‍♂️

First Time Grandmother?

First Time Gran

If you can afford it you could send a delivery of frozen ready meals (or make your own and take them next time).
My family (when they had newish babies) have all loved to have frozen things just "ready to heat up".

Just small treats and lightening the load. 🌷

Support your daughter as you are doing, but do not speak to the son-in-law about his attitude; he is undoubtedly tired, as is she. She is doing well breast-feeding after an exhausting labour and emergency section , so praise her for that and help in whatever way you can.
If they are saving hard for a deposit I doubt if she will be able to give up work in a couple of years as they will have a large mortgage to pay; most young wives have to return to work as sadly it takes two incomes to keep a family afloat today.
Just keep telling her strength will increase as she recovers from her caesarean and it is all worth it.

FTGworries

This is exactly what I was looking for, thank you all so much.
I guess I am projecting!
And yes, she's venting at me, and I will just listen.

I'm still working full time, and she lives an hour from me, so I only get to her a couple of times a week. When I get there, I do laundry, tidy, hoover, and she is so grateful! Later this week I'm going to have the baby while she get her hair done.

I will take various people's advice and keep my own counsel regarding their relationship...thank you for this bit, in particular!

I like the idea of suggesting they pull together, as they're working towards the same goal. It makes me a little sad that she's already had to book the baby into a nursery for when she goes back to work next year, but she'll only have yo work for a year or so then can become a SAHM.

Thanks again everyone.

This last paragraph.

Why are you sad the baby will (may? I add) be going into a nursery? Surely this is their choice and what most working parents do these days.

You then state that after a year she will be a SAHM- as if this is what you are hoping for?

I think you should look at your own motives here, as you seem to be quite sure about some things, and not accepting that these choices are for the parents and shouldn't need your approval.

You are new to being a gran and I can't help but feel you have a lot of lessons to learn- mainly leave the decision making to them and just enjoy your time with your GC.

He's slipped from being the number 1 person to the bottom of the heap and isn't coping - so what's ne doing?
Answer:- the childish thing like refusing to co-operate with the mother of his child and going into a sulk!

Yes! He's jealous. It is childish but some men do revert to being a child when they first become a father.

Don't say anything even if you want to (I know!). They are both under pressure.
However, perhaps he might need reminding by a GP, midwife or health visitor, that his wife has just had a major operation and mustn't lift anything too heavy for a while.

Are you near enough to help out in practical ways, eg take dog for a walk etc?

Agree wholeheartedly with the advice not to say anything and you sound like a kind supportive mum. I would be concerned about their future as a couple. Quite frankly he sounds like an abusive a**h** out of the dark ages. His behaviour will be a bad example to the grandchild. Your ongoing support will be worth gold to your daughter and GC.