FTG concerned for daughter

Baby is eight weeks, I'd think the young couple will be back to normal soon. Give the situation time, resist comparisons to your experiences. Don't get fussed he says "babysitting" not a problem, I'd think.

I'd be put out if our daughters were called names. D's to solve.

Perhaps send frozen casseroles round, might be happily received.

I've not been a GN user long enough to open PMs yet, so I'll open it when I can.

FTG I've sent you a private message, check your Inbox (in the top right corner).

Jaxjacky

kircubbin2000

What is FTG?

If you read the whole thread it’s explained earlier.

Would it have hurt you just to answer the question?? Why be so unhelpful and dismissive?

No narrative. Just found it interesting.

Well, no. It started the other night with the chair kicking.
He was generally great.

And now he's not, he's been back at work a couple of weeks, things have been deteriorating, eg, the pants, the leaving dirty cups lying around, describing looking after his own child as 'babysitting '.

Then the chair

And now the cunt.

Apologies if that doesn't fit your narrative

“Her bloke was generally great during his pat leave”

And it’s escalated to this level just today?

Yeah, okay. Not buying it.

Thank you @welbeck , you're the only one who seems to have noticed.
Today he's called her a stupid cunt.

I'm now becoming very concerned.

I'm not sure that's projecting.

I guess all I can realistically do is send her a link to women's aid and step back.

My ex kicked furniture, punched holes in walls, called me a stupid cunt , etc, etc...

Does he understand a C section is major surgery and takes up to a couple of months to get over? She shouldn't be bending to pick up dog poo or his clothes!

Standard advice
Getting up and walking around once you are home will help you heal faster and can help prevent blood clots. You should be able to do most of your regular activities in 4 to 8 weeks. Before then: Do not lift anything heavier than your baby for the first 6 to 8 weeks.

Does he understand what blood clots can do?

He kicks furniture over.

Does no one see this as a red flag.
It is abusive.
Her mother is musing on possibilities for offering her a place of safety.
And is being condemned for doing so.
I am astounded.
OP you could contact Women's Aid for advice.
All the best.
And well done for being aware and looking out for her.
Trust your gut.

“She’s going through the same shit I went through with her dad (and unfortunately, stepdad). I'll start by saying I know I made godawful mistakes and I really have been through the mill trying to make amends. Our relationship is generally very good these days.”

I think this is the heart of it, really. You’re getting overly invested now because you think you can correct past mistakes and ‘make amends’ - you see yourself in your daughter, and you’d like to see your ex’s behaviour mirrored in your son in law’s, find an equivalence, because you’d be able to re-write the past, do things differently through your daughter, thinking this time you have all the answers and you can get it right.

But you can’t do it - your daughter’s life is her own. Don’t try to engineer her life to salve your own conscience. It’s not possible and it would be cruel to try.

It saves time.

Jaxjacky

kircubbin2000

What is FTG?

If you read the whole thread it’s explained earlier.

That’s you told Kircubbin I don’t know why people write in alphabet soup

* HelterSkelter1*

MN would strongly advise the daughter to be married to the child’s father. It’s always said, by women who’ve found themselves in an unhappy situation when the man up and leaves, and yet there are still so many women who don’t make sure they’re married before having children and leave themselves financially vulnerable.

FTGworries

I'm gutted I live so far away. I can't just pop round to help. I'd love to have her here for a bit, but I've still got two teens at home, although we could make space for her.

With respect - she’s a new mother, with a partner and a new baby, adjusting to motherhood. She’s an adult and wants to be treated as one. The last thing she’d want is to come home to yours when you don’t have the space anyway and two teens to consider. And what about their needs?

This is all about you, your feelings - you’d like her there with you, you’d be happier…. what about what she wants?

You sound over-involved - or as though you want to try to be! Please stop. She’s an adult - respect her enough to let her make her own choices. Do you not think she’s capable of living her own independent life? If so, then allow her to. Allow her to make her own decisions. If she wants your advice or help - she’ll ask.

You need to see her as the individual she is. You seem to be imagining she’s re-running your life - mentioning her dad - she’s not, her situation is unique and entirely her own. Please stop projecting.

Mumsnet would say to your daughter for god's sake don't give up the job and if you want to know why read a few of the posts on Mumsnet where the SAHM is deserted by the not so dear DH and finds she is financially badly off. Especially if they are not married....which is probably not the case in this thread.

I would advise you to stay out of it. She needs to address this as it is her marriage. What you can do is be there, help her with those tasks and keep your lips sealed about why you are helping.

Say nothing bad about him, even though you think it.

HowVeryDareYou2

I was the same as Witzend, a SAHM. I did everything for the children, everything in the home. That was my job. Having said that, this son-in-law should at least put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I think it best to not get involved in this situation but to offer help to the daughter.

I didn't really expect my husband to do much either, when my first baby was born. However it was great when he held her so that I could cook or eat my supper.
He was more useful when I had more babies, being happy to take care of the older children. Even now he doesn't have much competence with babies, being much more interested when they can respond to him. I don't think that this is unusual.
The fact that a partner wouldn't make the effort to put his laundry in the basket is pretty childish though, it does sound as though he's making a bit of a jealous attempt to be difficult for the sake of it. The rubbish about just lying there and not giving birth herself is also pathetic, was he not there? Or perhaps some kind of silly male attempt at a joke.
Aside from all this behaviour, when I had my first baby I didn't find it easy to cope. As others have suggested perhaps you could help her when he is not there, and try to stay out of the situation between them as much as you can. Even if you live an hour away you could go and help her for a while durng the day, not with the baby but with the house, laundry and meals.
Taking sides may backfire on you if things settle down between them in time.

Doesn’t sound as if the relationship will last forever. Do your best, keep your opinions to yourself and see how it plays out. You may well be needed more further down the line.

Lathyrus3

FTGworries

I'm gutted I live so far away. I can't just pop round to help. I'd love to have her here for a bit, but I've still got two teens at home, although we could make space for her.

Both of those thoughts would be a very bad idea.

She is the grown up mum now.

I’m beginning to think there’s an over protectiveness that is skewing your view of her husband 🤔

Offering space with you is such a bad idea...

kircubbin2000

What is FTG?

If you read the whole thread it’s explained earlier.

What is FTG?

Ridley

With the situation you describe, I think she is best maintaining her financial independence by continuing working. It’s obviously her/their decision about becoming a SAHM but I certainly wouldn’t be showing any encouragement for the idea.

I agree.

With the situation you describe, I think she is best maintaining her financial independence by continuing working. It’s obviously her/their decision about becoming a SAHM but I certainly wouldn’t be showing any encouragement for the idea.

FTGworries

I'm gutted I live so far away. I can't just pop round to help. I'd love to have her here for a bit, but I've still got two teens at home, although we could make space for her.

Both of those thoughts would be a very bad idea.

She is the grown up mum now.

I’m beginning to think there’s an over protectiveness that is skewing your view of her husband 🤔