Too much solitude

petra

Lathyrus
I finished 250 poppies 2 weeks ago. They had to be finished by then as we have over 100,000 to string together.
We are decorating Southend pier which is one and a third mikes long.
It’s gong to look spectacular 🥰

Wow! Post a photo and I’ll do one of the Market Hall. Handing mine in tomorrow😁

🌺 (nearly but not quite😬)

I live in a small country town, where there are not a lot of activities, so I am in much the same boat as you are.

It is now nearly two years since my husband died, and I still don't feel I have quite enough to do. I volunteer at the local museum, do my own housework and shopping, have joined a folk dance group and a book club, but haven't been able to find more than that.

There is a senior club, but the activities are very sedentary and not to my taste.

I have a few new hobbies, but these are things I do at home and I would prefer more interaction with others.

I think however we just have to keep on looking, but I am sorry to say I have no really bright ideas as to where to look.

I, aged 84 widow, living alone, try to go for a walk every day, fortunately I live in an beautiful area, I can reach the beach in five minutes also the mountains, the park and the marina where there are good walks. I always say "hello" to people I meet which often ends up in a conversation. The time I feel being one my own is between 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. when our home was busy with the children and cooking the evening meal.

Hello. These posts offer great suggestions! But I want to say first and foremost, I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. Consider this a warm hug from a friend you haven't met yet. ...And yes, I'm an American, just not the cruel kind. Blessings, "Nana Mary"

do you want a pen pal I had to retire after illness so went into shock but coming out now with U3A and the gym you could write email and maybe meet up its nice to catch up with people we used to pen pa alot in the 70s

You’ve prompted a really great thread here Allsorts. I’m sure I won’t be the only Gran who has found lots of positive and useful advice in the comments.

I don’t mind the darker evenings - I like to make the house cosy, lighting candles and snuggling up with blankets on the sofa. And I’ve got lots of table lamps all over the place - LED bulbs use so little electricity that I don’t feel a little guilty about lighting them all! I put my bedroom one on early in the evening so that it looks cosy when I go up there later on. And I like to cook more seasonally and look forward to more roasted veg, butternut squash, et cetera. I do think the changing seasons are easier if you can lean into them, and find something to enjoy about it.

Trying to get out every day for a bit of a walk helps, I think - and going to bed earlier and getting up earlier too. There’s always something about watching the world get going in the morning that I find positive, even if it’s still dark outside. Listening to the early birds, watching the steam rising off my first morning cup of tea, and hearing the morning traffic getting going, knowing that I don’t have to rush off anymore.

Cariadagain and Beachcomber76 have made some useful points about focusing on ourselves and taking time to find the things that really interest us and matter. And others have talked about the value of having a structure to their day/week. There is something about doing things for ourselves, not just for other people anymore that can be very satisfying. But I think some of us have to learn to do this - upbringing/life circumstances might not make it easy for everyone.

I’ve also felt pretty superfluous at times the last couple of years. And struggled with routine now that work doesn’t impose that on me. And I don’t have friends in the city that I live in now (I never worked here either) so need to become more self reliant. But I do believe that we can still continue to grow as human beings whatever age we are. And it is a privilege to still be here.

It’s still a work in progress for me, but I’m trying to put some better routines in place to take care of myself and follow up some interests that have got lost over the years. So, this Autumn I am planning to start tai chi, do some informal sessions at a clay studio and enrol for an online film studies course with the WEA (https://www.wea.org.uk/courses). I might not manage all of them - certainly not all at once, but setting some intentions is a good start. And I’ve told all of you now, so I feel like I’ll have to do something 😉

Lathyrus3

petra

Lathyrus
I finished 250 poppies 2 weeks ago. They had to be finished by then as we have over 100,000 to string together.
We are decorating Southend pier which is one and a third mikes long.
It’s gong to look spectacular 🥰

Wow! Post a photo and I’ll do one of the Market Hall. Handing mine in tomorrow😁

🌺 (nearly but not quite😬)

It was on the news!!

www.itv.com/watch/news/southend-pier-to-be-covered-in-100000-knitted-poppies-from-around-the-world/328b0gm

www.instagram.com/reel/DPQrYPRiFgl/

I'm mostly quite happy on my own. DH died 27 years ago this month so I have had plenty of time to get used to it.
I'm lucky to live in lovely countryside and get out for a walk most days. I've got to know so many people that it's rare not to meet someone for a chat.
I looked after my GCs till I was 73 and was working till I was 66 so I decided I didn't want any more commitments like volunteer work as my 11 years of caring for 2 GCs was a volunteer job according to my friend.
I love the dark evenings to cosy in and do my puzzles, read or watch a series on TV.
Feeling useless sometimes after a busy life is quite normal. Solitude is right for some and not for others. I don't like too much of it but distract myself if I feel the day is a bit too empty.

I agree about volunteering but notice you say your body is slowing down a bit. Mine too so I can't stand or walk for very long which rules out charity shop work, food banks, etc.. However sitting opportunities are okay for me, and might be for you, eg. a chatty
cafe to stem loneliness, either as a "leader" or a participant; helping people, refugees for instance, improve their English skills, or children their reading. I hope you find something that suits you.

Hello Allsorts,

I have no family but lots of friends. Like the others I joined U3A and my branch must cover at least 140 different subjects and social events. I also belong to Oddfellows Society, a very ancient Society which has days out, meals, talks etc. I also belong to a Respiratory Support Group which has different activities and days out. Also belong to F.I.S.H. - Friendship, Independence, Support and Help. We meet up once a week for coffee, a talk and a meal, plus there are loads of days out planned. I belong also to a Poetry group, U3A Cinema Group, U3A Rail Group. I belong to a Retired Local Government Social Group for talks and coach trips out. I also lunch out every day at surplus food outlets, so I’m rarely at home. I think if you look at your local papers you will find lots of things to interest you. All the very best. Good luck.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202510/medium-4ik17i-17602804858586464653412274845477.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202510/medium-uqet5-17602806114854954633823385494776.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202510/medium-a60wje-17602806514074291769387137400996.jpg

One thing I'd recommend is to take up a hobby. It might be a new thing to learn that you can spend time developing, or something you've done in the past that you can take up again. It might be something that you do by yourself or that you can join a regular group and do with others.

For me, it's sewing. I make items of clothing for myself, tote bags and draw string gift bags (especially coming up to Christmas to avoid the back breaking paper wrapping) tee shirts for my grandchildren etc. Sometimes I spend hours at a time in my sewing room, sometimes half an hour. I follow several sewing vloggers on YouTube and that passes some time (too much!) and gives me ideas and tips. There are also sewing socials, in person or online, that I attend from time to time. I also keep a diary where I record what I've been making. That's an absorbing hobby in itself. The photos are of my junk journal for 2022.

I doubt if there's a hobby that exists that isn't covered by YouTube vloggers.

I thought Gransnet may be a good thing to do,but I've made a few posts so far,and in each one I've said that I am new to Gransnet. I don't expect every post to be commented on,but a simple "Hello,welcome to the forums" would have been nice.

Hi Catgrann Welcome to the GN forums. Don't be downhearted. Which threads did you comment on? I'll take a look.

Gingster

You have to make a life for yourself.
I always say join the U3A. You can do as much or as little as you like. Groups and classes for every interest and hobby.

You will never be alone and they always make you very welcome.

Totally agree. 80 next year and I LOVE my solitude. I am still part time running a small business from home, which I love and hope to do til I fall off my perch! But I also joined the U3a locally. I used to play Scrabble with my best friend but she died. One son lives in London and we meet a couple of times a year. Suits me cos I’m happy working slowly and watching TV and reading, etc.. My other son, wife and 2 grandchildren live in Japan… so! I then looked for a local Scrabble group …and found the U3a. So I go to a small Scrabble group of about 6 people my age once a month, we are all amateurs, just normal games with friends. I also joined 3 other groups..and, if I wanted to, would be able to go to one group or another almost every day. Nice to socialise with all sorts of peoples my age, some still with partners, but many living alone like myself. I was a bit dubious at first, but it turned out excellently, and now I have more friends/ acquaintances than before! Most activities are local I can walk to ( I have no transport) and now if there is an out of town event I can ask if one or other of the group can give me a lift. I have health isss and have to occasionally miss a month, but everything is flexible with the U3a . It costs a huge £15 a YEAR! It is well worth every penny!
It is well worth a try. All normal people of a certain age enjoying a good chat and activity, without being an ‘ old folks’ get together! Some groups can get cliquey as with any organisation, ignore those, try something else. GO FOR IT!

Thank You Lizzypopbottle. I think the posts about cutting neighbours grass,and the one about dentures !

Catgrann

I thought Gransnet may be a good thing to do,but I've made a few posts so far,and in each one I've said that I am new to Gransnet. I don't expect every post to be commented on,but a simple "Hello,welcome to the forums" would have been nice.

Oh what a shame, belated welcome.

Picking up the discussion....Do you think people are either joiners or non joiners? Does this change as you get older?

I had yet another hurtful " bag in seat" moment at a group I attend. I'n sure most people will know what I mean there.

What I don`t like is when people try to impinge on my life eg a woman ten years younger than me has just moved to my area. She is trying to latch onto the life I have made for myself. I have had a lifetime of being the energy-giver and there are still energy-takers around. They see a friendly persona and assume that they can latch on

I will not be letting that happen, I need to continue with the life I have made for myself, which is a happy and contented one. I have suggested things for her to do but this attempt at latching showed me her negativity and unwillingness to pursue anything for herself. She is far from being the only person like this. Next step will be me avoiding her.

Lathyrus3

petra

Lathyrus
I finished 250 poppies 2 weeks ago. They had to be finished by then as we have over 100,000 to string together.
We are decorating Southend pier which is one and a third mikes long.
It’s gong to look spectacular 🥰

Wow! Post a photo and I’ll do one of the Market Hall. Handing mine in tomorrow😁

🌺 (nearly but not quite😬)

Will do when it’s decorated. 😉

While still being friendly of course but without my invitations to do this and that nor any willingness on my part to accompany her anywhere nor to drive her. She hinted at the driving too, non emergency and we do have buses

Catgrann

I thought Gransnet may be a good thing to do,but I've made a few posts so far,and in each one I've said that I am new to Gransnet. I don't expect every post to be commented on,but a simple "Hello,welcome to the forums" would have been nice.

Hello Catgran, so sorry you feel that way. I post occasionally and you only feel noticed if someone comments on your post or disagrees with you. Either can happen. I doubt any of us were welcomed here per se. There are so many of us and so many different threads, that a newbie likely goes unnoticed unless you keep posting. On the topics I post to which interest me I recognise some repeated names, but can’t say more than
that. What exactly were you hoping for? If to meet people like you in your area, the best thing would be to start a new thread… rather like this one you have posted here. Maybe add your. Location ( not name and address) and take it from there. This is a Social Media group and not a meet up service, there are likely thousands on here and I’ve never been welcomed by anyone. It’s a group with peoples of an older age range, (supposedly… tho Grans can be any age nowadays) to discuss things, ask for help, discuss tv, politics , grandchildren, children, family, etc, etc etc.. Join on a discussion and you’ll soon be in the midst of things. Good Luck

Thank you StripeyGran. I know exactly what you mean by a bag on seat moment. If that happens to me I just vote with my feet, and don't go back .

I volunteer for a couple of local charities which keeps my mind active and I get the feel good factor of channeling energy to good causes

Thank You,no I'm not looking for people to meet up with in real life (So to speak). I understand what you say about it being huge though. I'm fully aware that it's a social media group. Heaven forbid that I came across as some sort of desperate stalker!! I'll just look in future I think as some of the posts are quite informative,for example the heads up regarding travel insurance

What can you do to help someone else?

You could walk a dog (somebody else's dog, if you don't have one). Read to, or with, a child ( ask at the nearest school and .library ). Shop for a housebound person, or collect their library books. Make a cake and an invitation card; invite two lonely neighbours for coffee.

Buy a stack of animal postcards, add stamps, address them all to your self, and send them to your grandchildren asking them to write to you.