Too much solitude

You have to make a menu for your day, live in the present, be joyful when good things happen, give meaning to things which maybe before were routine i.e. finishing a good book. I tend to record all good happenings in my life and look back at them at the end of the year, anything from happenings and surprises in my garden to good things I come across. I was the youngest at the tail end of a big family. They have all now sadly passed and only I and another cousin are left. I do tend to try and look after myself mentally, spiritually, and physically and give priority to health and creativity.

You have to make a life for yourself.
I always say join the U3A. You can do as much or as little as you like. Groups and classes for every interest and hobby.

You will never be alone and they always make you very welcome.

If something has been missing from your life previously - then maybe it's possible to "get it in now"?

In my own case I'm very aware I didn't go to University (armed forces family, the intelligent one of my parents was the one that was away a lot - ie my father). So I thought I'd make it up when I got to retirement age - by doing an Open University degree. But, by the time I got to retirement, it wasn't just the 5% that are "university material" that were going to University - another 45% were as well. So I thought "What's the point of doing a degree - now that lots of other people besides the original University people are doing so? It would prove precisely nothing and OU degrees used to be reasonably priced - but they've put the price up a lot".

It took literally years to renovate the house I moved to West Wales for - as it all takes longer than my own area. But it's finally finally done and the house is finished - so now I've finally "got a retirement" so to say. So I shall be watching this education gap - and basically at the moment I'm doing more "informal" studying of whatever takes my fancy - and "filling in the gaps" in my knowledge of how Society functions etc. Guess that's one thing the Internet comes in handy for.

From other peoples point of view - I'm guessing there's quite a few people who have "gaps" in creative activities. I see a lot of that going on around me and admits to feeling envious of those who do have creative interests and are good at it - so there's all sorts of "arty" type things that I see people of all ages doing around here. So, if you've got those sort of interests and talents = never too late to do that for instance. Where I am now - there's various singing groups too, for instance, that people who can sing (and some that can't) join and I'm wondering about that (though I'm in the "can't sing" category).

That's my theory on older age anyway - figure out what is "you" - but was missing in your younger life (ie because you didn't have the time or didn't have the money) and see if you can do it now.

So - for myself - besides generally informally studying my Society around me - gardening is another thing I didn't get a chance at when younger (couldnt afford a house to start with and then couldnt afford for it to be one with a garden) and so I'm doing all sorts of experimenting with teaching myself to garden. So people walk round my garden - now I've got one - and out come the questions - as they know I experiment with what plants I get to some extent/try to grow a bit of food for myself/am starting to add in some medicinal plants. So they don't recognise a fair bit of what I have here - because it's one of my "experiments" - so they get told about that and given a bit of surplus fruit (if there is any).

The gardening (foodgrowing) ties in with having been brought up with a diet that was restrictive even by 1950s standards - and so I've had to teach myself about even pretty "common or garden" foods when I grew up and still teaching myself all the stuff about food that I missed out on when growing up (yep...as you can guess....if it's something unusual one can grow in a British garden = I want it and have possibly added some to my garden). The rest of the "food experimenting" involves a lot of Amazon purchases - as this is a small remote town I live in now (frustrating - now I've got the money to eat what I choose finally) - but I do what I can and the choice of available foods here has grown somewhat since I moved here thankfully...so I'm in there buying/trying it and visibly "hoping for more (choice)".

So - yep.....overall message, I would say, for retirement is to ask oneself "What was missing from my younger life that is "me"?" and then try and fill that gap/learn that knowledge/etc by getting it in now. Guess it's a case of "Better late than never" and at least you won't have spent your whole life missing out on those things that are "you" - but you couldnt get them when younger (for whatever reason).

Allsorts, have you thought of volunteering?
There are many different ways of doing this, and one might be interesting to you. In my area, people volunteer for
Gardening the community areas
Helping in school
Library helper
Food bank
Visitor information
Charity shops
English Heritage properties
Knitting groups making garments for charities
Festivals
Do any of these happen near you? Do any appeal to you?

I volunteer and would be lost without my ‘job’ it gives me a purpose and I badly need a purpose When I can no longer do it I may as well just curl up and go Not only do I have a purpose but I have a good laugh I meet and talk to people and it only leaves me four other days to fill !

Bluebelle and I follow each other around suggesting volunteering. Glad to see chocolatelovinggran is on board too.

Volunteering gives my life a purpose. I feel useful knowing that I make a difference to the lives of some people living in difficult circumstances, I have made great friends and it keeps my brain ticking over.

As a volunteer I can miss a day should I feel like it. I never do because I love it.

When I moved here knew I wanted to join an exercise class and craft group. Go to sit fit Monday afternoon,move it or lose it Tuesday morning. Cuppa and chat first Monday in the month , craft group 3 rd Wednesday of month. At the moment joined a 8 week singing and exercise class Wednesday afternoon and 12 week Mindfulness class Thursday afternoon. Going out for lunch with friend today.

Once my Wednesday and Thursday classes end which are free and run by age concern part of the city and my local council. Will find something to do Thursday and Friday. Missed craft group this week as I had signed up for the class and the craft group runs all year.

I don't tend to go out at night unless it's a one off event like going to a concert. But go and come back via taxi if it's not local .

I think Bluebells right saying that we need a purpose- a project of some sort that we can see through to completion and that will make a difference.

One poster on Gransnet has moved and taken on a renovation. I e taken on an overgrown allotment. I think about it all the time and save up fir presents for the allotment 😬

But it doesn’t have to be big. Our local market is planning to decorate with knitted poppies n November so I’ve had fun with a ball of wool knitting as many different types of poppy as I can.

You just have to find your project and life will have much more to offer.💐

Some excellent advice here.

For my part I am also not a cold dark nights winter person.
To offset the gloom I get out as much as I can, especially with the weather being so mild.

I go for a walk three or four times a week and sometimes don't want to go home. People exchange pleasantries, have short conversations, I can get a coffee if I want- there's so much going on and we are almost half-way through October!

I hope you do find a way through soon.

One thing that works for me ( although I don't always adhere to it) is to try to organise some morning activity, some sort of committment.
It's so easy to kid yourself you are having a meaningful time tidying up, in your dressing gown!

StripeyGran

One thing that works for me ( although I don't always adhere to it) is to try to organise some morning activity, some sort of committment.
It's so easy to kid yourself you are having a meaningful time tidying up, in your dressing gown!

I think getting dressed first thing is half the battle!

If you drift around in your dressing gown half the day, you are never in ‘doing’ mood.

I get dressed as soon as I get out of bed, though I appreciate not everyone thinks like me.

I'm in the same position. I've chosen to spend more time looking after myself: do exercises, walk, look after my body and diet, cook fresh food as much as possible. I treat myself if I need a boost.

I've plenty of interests when indoors and take myself out for a walk, a coffee and/or a day out when it's a nice weather.
I've a lovely home to keep maintained and nicely decorated, and a garden which I'm busy in most days. Often in my garage/workshop making/renovating a piece of furniture.

Friends are unwell or passed away, grandchildren grown too so see few people, so I've embraced the peace and quiet and not having to rush around so much. I've always tried to make every day pleasant/enjoyable in some way, or to achieve something/cross something off a to-do list and I usually do.

So grateful for each day, for health and the time I've been granted that others haven't.

Calendargirl

StripeyGran

One thing that works for me ( although I don't always adhere to it) is to try to organise some morning activity, some sort of committment.
It's so easy to kid yourself you are having a meaningful time tidying up, in your dressing gown!

I think getting dressed first thing is half the battle!

If you drift around in your dressing gown half the day, you are never in ‘doing’ mood.

I get dressed as soon as I get out of bed, though I appreciate not everyone thinks like me.

Good for you! I many allow myself a window of time, but it won't be a half day!

What a lovely thread Allsorts Such positive responses!

If there’s nothing planned on a particular day, I find it’s a good thing to write down three things I want to achieve the next day, before I go to bed.

They don’t have to be massive. Clean the bathroom seems to feature quite highly with me, because it’s a job I’ll always find a reason for not doing. Or it could nice like buy flowers and arrange.

Then when I get to the end of the day and tick my three things off I feel the day has had a purpose.

Am currently taking a rest from “Weed front border”😬

I have a life that suits me, one I chose

I don`t drive in the dark either, in fact have just arranged two late morning visits, easier for me to spend time driving to family

I took on a very overgrown allotment and nature is a good friend. I needed to work hard to make that allotment good for my old age and now I go whenever I feel like being out. Nature is never still, it always makes jobs for me and there are people there with a common interest

My exercise is simple, no groups for me. I cycle on one of my three bikes, which I maintain myself. I do town walks, which involve a good hill. I have handy weights and a little kettle bell and some stretchy bands, mainly for winter. I also have and use a rebounder for exercise in winter if it is too cold to be outside

So these are my activities, I have crafts and can join groups if I want. Sewing, spinning, knitting. Used to do wood carving but that sadly folded during lockdown

Life is too full to waste any day, I get dressed as soon as I have had breakfast and then get on with living

It was not easy when I was widowed, I too needed to write down some things to do the following day but bit by bit I found my hobbies. I still have solitude but I enjoy it, key is to have some sort of aspiration for the following day, something to get up for and something that you enjoy

I think there’s a big difference between solitude, which can be enjoyed, and loneliness which def can’t be enjoyed.
A lot of older people sadly become lonely and it’s easy to drift into it.
A newly widowed friend says the long evenings and weekends are the worst.
I have no answers really. Volunteering isn’t for everyone depending on health and the same with exercise. My friend is thinking of getting a small dog for company and short walks.
Arts and crafts may help.

I know it isn't for everyone, but I'm a believer in joining interest groups, as they don't always rely on regular commitment to make them work. The sort of thing that meets once a week or month but doesn't need every member to be there every time. People are less likely to drop out if they don't feel under pressure to have to go to every meeting. Reading groups, lunch groups, creative writing, walking groups, coffee mornings, knitting groups, flower arranging are examples. Or more 'organised' ones such as the U3A, the NWR, the WI and so on.

You won't necessarily like everyone who goes, but if you join a few different groups you will meet a wide range of people, and the chances are you will find some that you 'click' with and want to meet separately for coffee or whatever. I know some people find it daunting to turn up for the first time, but often you can email the organiser and ask if they will meet you five minutes before the start, so you can go in with them and be introduced.

I made a conscious decision to do this when I left work, as I worked a distance from where I live, so much of my social life happened away from my home town, and I realised that if I didn't make an effort people weren't going to come to me. I set up a couple of groups that didn't already exist, which is easy enough to do now that most towns have a local FB page for advertising things like that. They are also good places to look for what is already available. There are a number of friendship groups too - Meet Up is one possibility, or just Google 'Meeting people in XTown' and any local ones will show up.

I now have a wide circle of local friends, so I can call someone if I want to go out outside of the meetings. Most are still acquaintances, but I've been on a couple of holidays with groups of people I've met this way who have become friends.

Allsorts - some very good advice given here.
Please never, never feel "surplus to requirements."

I know it's not easy when the body starts to slow down but do look at the many, many suggestions given here.
I hope you find something that will interest you.

Allsorts it’s a strange predicament isn’t it, going from a busy life to a quiet one and I can also relate. It does sound like the daytime is ok for you but the dark nights, a bit depressing. Personally, I like crafts like sewing, knitting and crochet and do more in the evening. I am also working through some period dramas I never saw on tv first time round and doing a lot of reading. This may not be enough for you and you may need to look into volunteering…lots of info online. This may not get you out in the evenings but if you’re really tired by then, you may feel happier taking it easier in the evening. Like you, I’m gradually accepting that as we age, life changes. If you have friends and family, you are I’m sure much loved and wanted. We do not have to earn that, by being busy all the time…….

University of the 3rd Age (U3A) runs loads of things and I am just renewing my membership as many of them interest me!

For example, the ones during the day in Tai Chi, Art, Creative Writing, Family History, Philosophy and Easy Walking all sound great and as someone above said, no need to feel guilty if you can't make it every single week.

Lathyrus
I finished 250 poppies 2 weeks ago. They had to be finished by then as we have over 100,000 to string together.
We are decorating Southend pier which is one and a third mikes long.
It’s gong to look spectacular 🥰

Join the U3A it's not expensive and they run trips and outings quite a lot. In ours there's a lunch club, tea and chat, card games, outings to gardens and historic houses, French club, badminton, book lovers, board games, crafts, skittles etc really whatever a member wants to run. You don't have to go to all of it but can choose when to go. People car share and there's community transport here.
There's also the WI in most towns

Yogitree I am so glad you are making the most of U3A - I run three groups for my local branch, South Manchester, where we have 38 different activities ranging from brainy ones like philosophy and psychology to a lunch club, to health walks, badminton, art appreciation, board games, Knit and Natter (at which more nattering than knitting goes on!) and many many more. New members are always welcomed.