Asking for hand in marriage

Me too, Franski.

One of our SIL’s rang DH from New York to ask him, after he’d asked DD2 of course, but still… Another apologised for not asking - he said he’d really wanted to, but wasn’t sure what we’d have thought.

Personally, I see it as just the remembrance of an old tradition, and a rather nice way of letting parents know about the engagement. Nobody’s going to say no, and nobody’s being treated as a chattel, for Pete’s sake.

Respect for who? Letting parents and prospective in-laws know what you are going to ask your partner could be seen as respectful. Asking someone's parent for permission really isn't. And why would anyone "ask" granny?

A call to let them know is once "yes" is said and let the parents be happy with them is a really nice gesture.

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

Personally, I see it as just the remembrance of an old tradition, and a rather nice way of letting parents know about the engagement. Nobody’s going to say no, and nobody’s being treated as a chattel, for Pete’s sake.

👏👏👏

and nobody’s being treated as a chattel, for Pete’s sake.
Well, I am in the kitchen cooking while DH is watching football 😁
But Strictly's on and I have a glass of vino!

My DD and her, then boyfriend, had come for Sunday lunch. In the afternoon my DH had to go to the garage for something and her boyfriend followed him. Didn’t think much of it until after they went home and DH told me that he’d told him he was going to propose and asked if it was OK with him. I wasn’t consulted!! However they had lived together for five years and he was very much part of our family so we were very happy.
After they arrived home the phone rang and when I answered it DD said, very excitedly “you need to buy a hat”!
During his speech at their wedding my SIL recounted the day he proposed and said that on the way home from our house my DD started moaning that he was never going to ask her to get married and he said that was the one and only time he’d ever won an argument!
They have been married for ten years this year and I couldn’t love them both and my DGD more.
Yes, it might be an outdated tradition but we thought it was a sweet gesture.

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

DaisyAnneReturns

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

The OP makes it perfectly clear that she is asking fellow grans if any of them have been asked in their capacity as the mother of a daughter.

DaisyAnneReturns

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

No, it's not 🙂

ViceVersa

DaisyAnneReturns

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

The OP makes it perfectly clear that she is asking fellow grans if any of them have been asked in their capacity as the mother of a daughter.

Yes. As a divorced or widowed mother.

About 15 years ago, one if our daughters and the boyfriend she’d been living with for a couple of years announced they were getting married. Mr I , laughing and hugging future sil said “but you haven’t asked me”. The response was , I don’t want to marry you, I want to marry x

My would be DH got along so well with my old dad from the moment they met that it didn’t strike me as at all odd that my dad knew he was going to propose before I did.
The two of them were thick as thieves.
Sadly my dad passed away just three years after we were married and my DH was as heartbroken as I was.

One SIL asked my late OH.

Yes. I am widowed. My (very respectful) SIL phoned me . He and DD married 20 years ago.

I think it's a nice gesture and today has nothing to do with 'ownership'.

Good way of dropping a hint about shelling out for the wedding

(I'm joking, Grans!)

My SIL took my DH on a surprise flight to Islay, to visit the whisky distilleries.
I was asked to have his passport ready and told that a taxi would pick him up early in the morning. DH had no idea what was going on, I suspected what was going on.

They spent the day going round the distilleries and had an extremely mellow time.
By the time they got back to Glasgow, SIL still hadn't plucked up courage to DH's permission to marry DD. DH had eventually cottoned on and asked if there was something he wanted to ask, poor SIL was extremely nervous and blurted it out.
Asking DH's permission endeared him to me even more, I love him like a son and my children treat him like a brother.

Every year on the May holiday weekend, since she was a wee girl, DD's birthday treat has been a visit to Dumbarton Castle.
SIL took her there on the pretext of having a day out. When they got to the top, it's a killer climb he proposed to her with the most beautiful ring.💕

DH (slightly tipsy) proposed to me under a lamppost. No difference.😂

It's nothing to do with ownership these days. It's more a shorthand way of telling the father/mother that he intends to ask their daughter and to reassure them that he will take care of her.
DH was very touched that SIL "asked" him.
DS also informed us and his future father in law that he was going to propose - mainly to reassure us that he had thought very carefully about it, having already had one disastrous marriage!

It's nice that some found it touching, but aren't the most important people in this the couple getting married?

If they're happy to get a parents permission/blessing that's great. If they feel happy to "tell not ask" surely that's great too?

Lovely stories, Marydoll

DH (slightly tipsy) proposed to me under a lamppost. No difference 😂

Or should I call you Lili Marlene?

eddiecat78

It's nothing to do with ownership these days. It's more a shorthand way of telling the father/mother that he intends to ask their daughter and to reassure them that he will take care of her.
DH was very touched that SIL "asked" him.
DS also informed us and his future father in law that he was going to propose - mainly to reassure us that he had thought very carefully about it, having already had one disastrous marriage!

Of course it is about ownership, everything in your post is about ownership.

The vast majority of parents will already know the potential spouse and know what they think of them.

Their daughter will marry the person of ch1oice no matter what their father says.

Why only ask the father, not the mother, as an either or, and why does the woman not ask one of the man's parents so that they can see that she will look after their son properly?

Asking consent is a throwback to when women were always the possession of a man whether father, guardian or spouse.

DaisyAnneReturns

It's nice that some found it touching, but aren't the most important people in this the couple getting married?

If they're happy to get a parents permission/blessing that's great. If they feel happy to "tell not ask" surely that's great too?

In my DD's case she felt that it was further proof that she was marrying a decent chap - ie one who showed consideration to her parents

Wyllow3

Good way of dropping a hint about shelling out for the wedding

(I'm joking, Grans!)

I know you’re joking, Wyllow3, but seriously, do parents still pay for their children’s weddings? Seems extraordinary, if so. We paid for our own, and that was more than 50 years ago.

Grandma70s

Wyllow3

Good way of dropping a hint about shelling out for the wedding

(I'm joking, Grans!)

I know you’re joking, Wyllow3, but seriously, do parents still pay for their children’s weddings? Seems extraordinary, if so. We paid for our own, and that was more than 50 years ago.

Well, haven't helped pay for one for some years now but we all contributed. The in-laws, us and the happy couples.

But our DC are not extravagant. When I look at some weddings now, the cost would be a deposit for a house!

I was asked by my daughter's ex if I would mind if he asked her. We happened to be standing together in a queue at the time, and Daughter and husband were waiting for us at the table. He caught my husband separately later that day, and spoke to him.

I liked that he thought my opinion was as important as Husband's, but hadn't expected either of us to be asked. I'm sure he would have asked her regardless of our responses, but wanted to be sure he would be welcomed into the family. It had absolutely nothing to do with ownership - what a preposterous idea. My daughter, rightly, was always going to do what was right for her in such matters, as did I. It was about recognising that marriage is about joining an existing family as well as creating a new one, and I thought it was a nice touch.

As it was, she didn't want to marry him and they broke up a year or two later.

Beechnut

Have any of you grans been asked for your daughter’s hand in marriage (or blessing)?
It’s not happened to me, I’m just wondering if it has happened to any of you widowed or single mums.

Surely it’s the dads, not the mums who are asked this?