Asking for hand in marriage

Good way of dropping a hint about shelling out for the wedding

(I'm joking, Grans!)

I think it's a nice gesture and today has nothing to do with 'ownership'.

Yes. I am widowed. My (very respectful) SIL phoned me . He and DD married 20 years ago.

One SIL asked my late OH.

My would be DH got along so well with my old dad from the moment they met that it didn’t strike me as at all odd that my dad knew he was going to propose before I did.
The two of them were thick as thieves.
Sadly my dad passed away just three years after we were married and my DH was as heartbroken as I was.

About 15 years ago, one if our daughters and the boyfriend she’d been living with for a couple of years announced they were getting married. Mr I , laughing and hugging future sil said “but you haven’t asked me”. The response was , I don’t want to marry you, I want to marry x

ViceVersa

DaisyAnneReturns

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

The OP makes it perfectly clear that she is asking fellow grans if any of them have been asked in their capacity as the mother of a daughter.

Yes. As a divorced or widowed mother.

DaisyAnneReturns

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

No, it's not 🙂

DaisyAnneReturns

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

The OP makes it perfectly clear that she is asking fellow grans if any of them have been asked in their capacity as the mother of a daughter.

Allira

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

It's in the OP.

My DD and her, then boyfriend, had come for Sunday lunch. In the afternoon my DH had to go to the garage for something and her boyfriend followed him. Didn’t think much of it until after they went home and DH told me that he’d told him he was going to propose and asked if it was OK with him. I wasn’t consulted!! However they had lived together for five years and he was very much part of our family so we were very happy.
After they arrived home the phone rang and when I answered it DD said, very excitedly “you need to buy a hat”!
During his speech at their wedding my SIL recounted the day he proposed and said that on the way home from our house my DD started moaning that he was never going to ask her to get married and he said that was the one and only time he’d ever won an argument!
They have been married for ten years this year and I couldn’t love them both and my DGD more.
Yes, it might be an outdated tradition but we thought it was a sweet gesture.

Personally, I see it as just the remembrance of an old tradition, and a rather nice way of letting parents know about the engagement. Nobody’s going to say no, and nobody’s being treated as a chattel, for Pete’s sake.

👏👏👏

and nobody’s being treated as a chattel, for Pete’s sake.
Well, I am in the kitchen cooking while DH is watching football 😁
But Strictly's on and I have a glass of vino!

Ask Granny?

Who asks Granny? 🤔

Respect for who? Letting parents and prospective in-laws know what you are going to ask your partner could be seen as respectful. Asking someone's parent for permission really isn't. And why would anyone "ask" granny?

A call to let them know is once "yes" is said and let the parents be happy with them is a really nice gesture.

Me too, Franski.

One of our SIL’s rang DH from New York to ask him, after he’d asked DD2 of course, but still… Another apologised for not asking - he said he’d really wanted to, but wasn’t sure what we’d have thought.

Personally, I see it as just the remembrance of an old tradition, and a rather nice way of letting parents know about the engagement. Nobody’s going to say no, and nobody’s being treated as a chattel, for Pete’s sake.

I think we all know that it's not asking transfer of ownership from the father/ mother. It's just a gesture of respect and even humility. A way of saying " i would love to be part of your family, is that something you would give your blessing to".
The opposite of "this is what we are doing, it's our life, our choice, like it or lump it".

I know which I prefer.

Allira

^it’s a respect thing^
Yes, denbylover

Nothing to do with chattels or property.

Yes, I agree.

it’s a respect thing
Yes, denbylover

Nothing to do with chattels or property.

DaisyAnneReturns

Surely asking this question comes from a time when women were legally subordinate, first to their father and then to their husband? I thought it harked back to the 19th century and went with the repeal of The Married Women's Property Act in 1870.

Yes.

But it's just politeness, good manners now (or was 20 years ago!!). Especially if parents are expected to pay for or contribute to the wedding.

I think when a prospective SIL approaches his prospective in-laws about marrying their daughter, it’s a respect thing. Nowadays both sides know it’s not about ownership of the daughter. He has most probably sensed or been told their views, whether they are laidback, uninvolved, or perhaps more formal. Perhaps his own parents have told him ‘this is the way to do it’.

Our SIL rang and spoke to my husband. He was planning to propose on her birthday and asked us to come up and share the day. We felt included and very much appreciated the way he went about it.

I KNOW!!

Surely asking this question comes from a time when women were legally subordinate, first to their father and then to their husband? I thought it harked back to the 19th century and went with the repeal of The Married Women's Property Act in 1870.

When Fiance No 1 asked my father if we could get engaged, the answer was 'I suppose so, but getting engaged doesn't mean you have to get married'. He didn't like my choice, obviously! Indeed 18 months later my fiance broke it off and I was truly heartbroken. DH asking the same question was greeted with enthusiasm and relief!

I believe my son did say something informal to that effect to his potential parents-in-law. He knew they would be happy. I doubt if he’d have taken the risk otherwise!

My husband certainly didn’t. He didn’t even meet my parents until after we were engaged.

My now lovely son in law not only informed us he was going to propose but asked my DH to go with him to choose the ring.

Luckily it all worked out well.