Hosting Christmas When in 80s (and in poor health)

Youngerthanspringtime Her daughter is being very selfish! Your friend should say that she can't do it this year (too late now though if she has done lots of preparations) because she has been feeling unwell for some time. Make something up. Rundown, too tired, not sleeping well, whatever.

Being a martyr to a selfish daughter who staying along with partner for 5 days and being catered for by someone in their 80s, just not on. Tge daughter needs to waken up and take some responsibility eg at the very least help out with catering and all the chores needed over Festive Season or offer to have her Mum at her house where Mum can help out to keep her involved but not the main provider. A word in 'daughter's ear is definitely due.

It could be that the daughter does offer to lighten the load, to bring food or to take your friend out for Christmas lunch or even to invite your friend to hers. We don’t know so it’s kinder not to judge the daughter badly, isn’t it?
Your friend may like being a ‘martyr’ (not my thoughts) in this, but maybe she just wants her family at home with her and her Christmas preparations gets her that. It is quite a driving force. Just be the good friend you are and continue to give her your ear.

Some people enjoy complaining and being martyrish! They don't want solutions, they just want you to know how hard they are working. Just let her complaints roll over you. She'll pass on the baton when she is ready.

I believe there are some people, in their late age, actually enjoy entertaining.
My cousin is now no longer able to drive but continuous to have her son and family for Christmas. One can always offer to make the pies or whatever.

Pearl30 said what I was thinking. Perhaps your friend is one of those people who thinks no one can do it like her. Perhaps the daughter and her partner would really like to be able to do something else for Christmas? But come out of kindness because they know that she likes to put on a show? I think you need just to make sympathetic noises and try to change the subject!
I do like doing Christmas baking, but I’m sure there will be a point where I can’t be bothered to do it anymore. And then I’ll be buying my Christmas cake from Betty’s in York……

I'm 75 and do not particularly look forward to Christmas because it can be exhausting cooking for lots of people and assembling everything at the end, avoiding food getting cold. At the age of 80 I would be hoping to pass the baton on to my son - and he can, and does, cook for us quite often on a Sunday but it is a much simpler affair.

Your friend has only herself to blame if she insists on making such a production of it - home made everything and all the trimmings. You have gently suggested that she might make things easier for herself by cutting some corners, but she says it is "expected" of her. So really she has only herself to blame. Her daughter and partner are being thoughtless but perhaps they think she enjoys the whole build up. Unless she tells them otherwise, things are unlikely to change. Unless you think your being more forthright on the issue will cause a rift, perhaps you should say there is no point complaining if she isn't willing to suggest they do it from now on, or at least make some adjustments so that it isn't so tiring.

I always did Boxing Day tea and went all out to make it special. Then along came COVID and I was forced to let it go. I am now so glad I did. My eldest daughter now hosts it with her daughters their partners and her grandson (my great grandson) My husband and I will be attending for a leisurely and enjoyable evening the only thing I have been asked to do is my Sherry Trifle. Your friend is probably shortening her life with all this stress

Just out of interest, who does the washing up at your friend's house on these occasions?

does your 'friend' know you are 'talking' about her situation on here?..........

Several points I'm responding to - this year I when she started her usual complaints about the Christmas prep. I told her I love her to bits but have no sympathy that she is continuing to do it after the rotten few months she's just had.
No the daughter and partner do not do any dishes, (she doesn't have dishwasher) don't bring any goodies and don't help with the prep - and have NEVER taken her out for a meal ever. So this will go on until the unthinkable happens.
No she is not aware that I have posted on here. I just get weary of listening to it and it often continues through the year but that's another story!
She knows my feelings about it all but nothing will change,
Nobody's life is perfect I know but when there are things you CAN do about it but won't, well there's no answer

Sad to say that Christmas seems to be the only advent in your friends year.

No there is no answer. You have done your best. The relations won't change which is sad to see and hear about.

Enjoy your Christmas OP.