Gran rivalry

Make sure you ask after your daughter's health and wellbeing. She is no less important now that there is a grandchild on the scene. It is not some sort of competition. My mum was glad to see the back of me when my baby was born because I was constantly asking for her help and advice. She was a great grandmother and would only buy either what I told her or what the child needed. I do not understand the insanity that arises when a grandchild comes on the scene. The adults don't change and a child is a new addition to an already established dynamic. Why do people define themselves and validate themselves by a grandchild? I have higher degrees and a successful career behind me. Why would I wish to play that down and define myself by being a grandmother? Take an interest, speak to your daughter and make her feel important. I often get the impression that women who were wives and mothers seem to feel that being a grandmother is some sort of badge of honour that makes them better than other women who have not reached that lofty height.

SusieCook

I'm not sure why there seems to be competitions between grandparents and 'one upmanship' a baby is supposed to bring joy, why can't it just be enjoyed instead of ramping up anxiety for the new parents

You’re right to question this and it’s ridiculous. I have this issue with a very competitive ‘other’ grandmother but I decline to join in. We haven’t been allowed to have Christmas with our son and GC for years because she is self-centred and manipulative. She always texts me a picture with a msg like ‘It’s so important to be with loved ones at Christmas’ and I reply with a cheery thumbs up emoji and pour myself a drink. Until my very lovely and loved DIL can stand up to the guilt tripping I am not going to take it personally. Of the 2 of us I’m by far the happier grandma !

I'm not sure why there seems to be competitions between grandparents and 'one upmanship' a baby is supposed to bring joy, why can't it just be enjoyed instead of ramping up anxiety for the new parents

What I'm getting from this is that you expect your daughter to drive alone in the car with a small baby for two hours?
The baby is only 7 weeks old-you don't say if mum is breast feeding or not but this will impact on the journey, and even if bottle fed and the baby gets upset- what will she do after, as many have mentioned, she is probably getting little sleep.
This cometition seems to be based on buying things, which is a very shallow attitude towards being a gran, from either side.
Let the other gran buy what she likes and save your money for other treats, maybe treating your daughter?
Young parents these days don't want 'stuff' they want emotional and practical support.
Go see your daughter- give her some time and she'll appreciate your presence more than your presents.

She's not allowed to come and visit me without her husband coming too, so I never get to spend any time with him.

Who is not allowing this? I can understand that she might feel it is too much for her on her own after the birth but it should be her choice.

If you want to give a gift for the baby perhaps ask your DD if there is anything she needs and give her the money for this so she can choose.

I have always managed to get on fine with the "other" grandmas of my GC, but this is simply because they are reasonable people - so I have been lucky. I do not envy you dealing with this situation.

Hopefully your time will come when travel becomes easier. Please don't give up!

BlueBelle

My son had his second child out in NZ where they live, a baby boy, (now 24 but I still remember this like yesterday ) His other Nan and grandad lived a road away and obviously I m a million miles away so never expected much.
When he was about 6 months old I went out for a visit and stayed with my son, daughter in law and two children, the other grandma who could see the children every day, didn’t give me a look in.
One particular day, I ll never erase, my son was getting ready for work and said there ll be a half hour between me going to work and his mum getting back, you ll me ok won’t you ? I said of course I will love to have him, we ll have fun , He left and within a minute, grandma 2 came bursting in ‘hello I ve come to look after X ‘ I said ‘no worries we re getting on fine’ she waltz up to him, scooped him up and said let’s go and find some toys, went into the bedroom and shut the door. I ve met her since and been polite but I m afraid I ll never forgive her, I was only there for three weeks.

That’s horrible.

My son had his second child out in NZ where they live, a baby boy, (now 24 but I still remember this like yesterday ) His other Nan and grandad lived a road away and obviously I m a million miles away so never expected much.
When he was about 6 months old I went out for a visit and stayed with my son, daughter in law and two children, the other grandma who could see the children every day, didn’t give me a look in.
One particular day, I ll never erase, my son was getting ready for work and said there ll be a half hour between me going to work and his mum getting back, you ll me ok won’t you ? I said of course I will love to have him, we ll have fun , He left and within a minute, grandma 2 came bursting in ‘hello I ve come to look after X ‘ I said ‘no worries we re getting on fine’ she waltz up to him, scooped him up and said let’s go and find some toys, went into the bedroom and shut the door. I ve met her since and been polite but I m afraid I ll never forgive her, I was only there for three weeks.

This can be hard, we had it and still have it with one daughter’s in laws, they live closer to our daughter and SiL, when the grandchild was born we would arrange to visit and the in laws would be there or drop in on some pretext. It used to really irritate us because they were visiting all of the time. In the end we specifically asked our daughter if we could visit when the in laws were busy elsewhere and she was happy to comply.
In the beginning emotions tend to be heightened. Give it time to settle. And don’t buy anything else for the baby, perhaps but a nice care package for the new parents with edible treats they probably don’t have time to consider right now.
Just be there for the parents and the baby. We see our grandchild regularly now and though the in laws are still a bit of a pain, and the SiL says this not us, they are still family and the GC needs both sets of grandparents.

First, all sympathies to you. I’ve had this and I know how hard it can be.
I’m ’the other gran’, the mum of the new father, so I expected my dil to be closer to her own parents of course, especially in the early weeks.
But I noticed that if I bought a Jellycat teddy, then there would be a Stieff teddy from the other grandparents in the cot when I next visited; the same with dinosaurs, brick sets, always one-upping my ideas ad nauseam.
As other posters have said, you just have to grin & bear it, it’s nothing to do with the grandchild, or your enjoyment of them.
I just wanted to say that you’re not alone and I know how this kind of rivalry is really wearing.

Maintain a good relationship with your daughter and don't let yourself turn the situation into a competition, which is tempting. Do what your daughter asks, if you can, and show yourself to be caring and reliable. There are many years ahead for you to develop your relationship with your new grandchild so take your time. I hope it all turns out happily.

Both of you need to stop buying things for somebody else’s baby.

Give money if you want for the parents have the pleasure of buying what they want for their baby. She can be told the same.

Seven weeks after birth I would worry about her doing a 2 hour drive on her own with a little baby. For a start she’s sleep deprived. Not to mention trying to drive if your baby’s crying and the stress of having to find a place to pull in and feed.

How often are they doing the drive? Can you not go and see them and take that pressure off the first weeks.