Wanting to unfriend a "friend"

She may be starting with dementia, dont chuck her, I did, and I miss her terribly

It’s funny that this subject has come up.
All my life l have tolerated various ‘quirks/thoughtless behaviour’ from friends. I know that none of us is perfect and we have to accept that. Since however reached my late sixties l no longer have the tolerance to ‘put up’ with things l put up with years ago and l have actually unfriended a fair few people! That may sound harsh and it probably is but l just don’t have the appetite to spend loads of time with people who treat me poorly and who are thoughtless.

Maybe she is terribly lonely and doesn't get the chance to talk to anybody so rambles on when she gets the chance. I think it is sad that a friend of 30 years is obviously having problems and the answer is to just block her. I hope I have better friends than that. I would like to think that my friends would kindly try to get to the bottom of any problem first before walking away.

Perhaps she’s lonely, and now enjoys having somebody to talk to. I agree it’s good to have friends to talk WITH namely a two way conversation. However lonely people need to talk. Just a thought

It does sound as if there may perhaps be medical or social reasons for your friend's changes in personality.
However that doesn't make her behaviour any less unpleasant to put up with. But it will be easier to bear if you make allowances, and don't feel resentful about how she behaves or take it too much to heart. It does mean the friendship has inevitably changed though and is not what it was. You would be continuing to see her as an act of kindness not as something that gives you pleasure too.
Be honest with yourself about whether you want to or can do this. And forgive yourself if you can't. She matters of course. But so do you.
You could talk to your third friend about it. Even if you two do still see her occasionally, you could also meet up without hér occasionally if you both enjoy each others company.
It is sad. But change is the nature of life. Especially as we grow older.

I agree that something is not right. Does she live alone? Does she have a partner/children?

Retirement alone can do weird things to people. If work was the guiding light of their life they can lose their focus and need to find a reason to get up and go out. Are the ramblings actually true or is this her way of proving to herself (and everyone else) that she is still 'someone'?

My husband had a tendency to talk too much in social situations. I then realised it was because he couldn’t hear properly so talking was easier than listening. He sorted it with better hearing aids.

Somethings not right...try to see if you can help her, she seems to have not handled retirement well and is a little lost

I wouldn't acknowledge her birthday at all, would just back off.

Sometimes a friendship just runs its course.

Hello Esmay
Just reading your post is uncanny. My friend talks and talks about neighbours she has fallen out with, the ladies she worked with don't contact her any more, the chap round the corner having bricks delivered, all sorts of things but also on repeat. When the next lunch date comes around, it's the same story. Just offloading. When someone else tries to change the subject she stars rummaging in her handbag. No interest whatsoever. Yes, I'm sure now there is something wrong but, like you, don't know what.

madeleine45

It is a difficult situation for you ,but at the same time I feel that friendship means taking the rough with the smooth at times. If you think back to how she used to behave, do you think that this new behaviour is to do with her now living a life alone and perhaps letting habits of listening to the news too often means that she is getting upset about things and no chance to talk it over with anyone. Another possibility is if you look at her pattern of behaviour do you thing that she might possibly be ill? A big change in behaviour could possibly be to do with dementia or a tumour for instance. I hope that isnt the case, but if you could talk to your other friend and between you you might consider these changes.

Then the difficulty thing is to find a time when you can both be very calm and hopefully she is in a receptive mood and suggest that she might need to check with her doctor, as you have both noticed these changes. I think that at the least , this is a kindness and care you can offer her. It may be that she hasnt realized how much she has changed if it is happening slowly but you see it more only meeting occasionally.

You may be glad if this means that there is some medical problem and you have alerted her to this. Even if she gets annoyed and flounces off , you have done your best as a friend to help her. If however she denies it all and continues in the same way then sadly it may be time to stop meeting or seeing her, but I do think that old friendships are both something to celebrate and to cherish and deserve what efforts we are able to make. However pleasant more recent friends are , there is no one who knows your history and your past family ties etc. I cherish my own precious friendships especially one with someone I have now known for 78 years as we met at the age of two. We have been there through thick and thin for all our lives and are grateful for each others support and more importantly I feel, is that she remembers my granny, I remember her dad. They were the most important people in our lives and there is no one else alive who remembers them in that way which for some reason I find comforting and cheering. Can you look back at times spent with her where you did have good times together and even if you have to split up with her , at least have those good memories to hold on to.

I agree with you Madeleine. Health problems seem to be the reason for these changes in your friend. We can't give up on old friends because of these issues, seems rather heartless to dismiss someone out of hand...

I unfriended someone a few years ago, there were various reasons. She never thought I was worth turning up on time for but on the very rare times I was unavoidably late she would just wander off and send me a text saying where she'd be heading for.
The main thing was she frequently belittled me yet would explain to me how lucky I was to have her and live in her reflected glory.
There is usually collateral damage when you do something like that and I had to accept that. I have it on good authority that she has bad-mouthed me since but I just don't care anymore it was the right thing to do for me.

The very sad thing is -as your friend dominates conversations more and more people will drop her and the more desperate she'll become more desperate to unburden herself.

We have a few church ladies like this .
You can't really converse with them -they just talk at you as if you aren't there.
I'll experience on Saturday at our social.
One lady will be there dominating everything.
She is really annoying if we are rushing to arrange flowers without enough volunteers and time restrictions.

I have a long term friend and since the Autumn I've begun to dread encounters with her .
She's often rude and dismissive .
We were great friends for such a long time.
I've puzzled over the enormous change in her and I wonder if Covid caused it .
She's lost job after job -sacked for poor input and time keeping -but refusing to accept that she has a problem.
Some jobs are lasting a week.
She walked out on the last one.
I never know if I'm coming or going with her.
At times I don't even know if she's in the country as she gets cheap deals and goes away a lot.
She made a new friend about three years ago and she talks about her and her family all the time in incredible detail.
You can't get a word in edgeways.
She even gets annoyed if you interrupt her monologue.
Her brother has complained to me about her tempers.
Her long term best friend is infuriated by her timing and has stopped going on holiday with her and an old colleague consistently asks me about her. She's plainly noticed that something is wrong .
If she sends me a text it doesn't make sense.
If I ask her something directly-ie : shall I collect your meds .I don't get an answer .
If we arrange to go out she's well over an hour late .We often make massive detours on the way.Then gets stressed if a particular food has run out in the cafe and makes a complaint.
She walks off leaving you mid sentence.

She wants me to go out over Easter and I actually don't want to go as the last three occasions have been totally unenjoyable.

I wonder about dementia .
I have absolutely no idea what's wrong.
Something certainly is .

I think the "alert her family" idea us a good one.

If you know she is struggling health-wise would that make it easier to meet up?

It’s easy to suggest dementia, but it actually could be a whole host of reasons for her behaviour change. One of which might be adjusting to retirement itself - it’s a big leap from being in the company of a lot of people at work to suddenly find your circle of contacts has fallen dramatically, so that when she does meet up, she’s perhaps trying to make up for a degree of loneliness, but isn’t realising that her approach is irritating.
She could, of course, be unwell, or unhappy or a combination.
I think you should send her a birthday card, but if you really feel the quarterly meet-ups with her are too much, make your excuse and be busy with something else.

I have a similar friend who talks over us and interrupts people. She admits to slight hearing loss, however I feel it's much more than slight. She has been a good friend over the years and we only meet 3 or 4 times a year, therefore I accept her as she is. Goodness knows, I have my own foibles which are accepted by friends. I would continue to meet up with her.

Hi Butterbean,
It’s interesting isn’t it how friendships evolve and develop.

I just wonder if your friend has some hearing loss? I know some people who have masked their difficulty in hearing, especially in situations with more than one person, by taking over the talking role.
As Madelaine says long term friends are hard to replace. Maybe you could take along a photo of you all doing something together to give a focus for the chat?

It is a difficult situation for you ,but at the same time I feel that friendship means taking the rough with the smooth at times. If you think back to how she used to behave, do you think that this new behaviour is to do with her now living a life alone and perhaps letting habits of listening to the news too often means that she is getting upset about things and no chance to talk it over with anyone. Another possibility is if you look at her pattern of behaviour do you thing that she might possibly be ill? A big change in behaviour could possibly be to do with dementia or a tumour for instance. I hope that isnt the case, but if you could talk to your other friend and between you you might consider these changes.

Then the difficulty thing is to find a time when you can both be very calm and hopefully she is in a receptive mood and suggest that she might need to check with her doctor, as you have both noticed these changes. I think that at the least , this is a kindness and care you can offer her. It may be that she hasnt realized how much she has changed if it is happening slowly but you see it more only meeting occasionally.

You may be glad if this means that there is some medical problem and you have alerted her to this. Even if she gets annoyed and flounces off , you have done your best as a friend to help her. If however she denies it all and continues in the same way then sadly it may be time to stop meeting or seeing her, but I do think that old friendships are both something to celebrate and to cherish and deserve what efforts we are able to make. However pleasant more recent friends are , there is no one who knows your history and your past family ties etc. I cherish my own precious friendships especially one with someone I have now known for 78 years as we met at the age of two. We have been there through thick and thin for all our lives and are grateful for each others support and more importantly I feel, is that she remembers my granny, I remember her dad. They were the most important people in our lives and there is no one else alive who remembers them in that way which for some reason I find comforting and cheering. Can you look back at times spent with her where you did have good times together and even if you have to split up with her , at least have those good memories to hold on to.

Has she got the early signs of dementia. I would drop the contact to twice a year and see your other friend without her.

It sounds like a health problem to me - dementia? Stroke?

Do you know her family? A quiet word with them about your concerns may be useful. My mother's friends alerted us to my mother's out of character behaviour and it helped us realise she needed support.

Dementia?

Thanks everyone for your replies. Some things here I hadn't thought of.

Bonfire night 🤣