Supporting adult children financially

Primrose53

My husband never asked his parents for financial help and neither did I. His parents could easily have afforded to as they were very well off but he knew they wouldn’t.

My parents lived on a very tight budget so I just would not have asked them. Mum made clothes and knitted toys for the kids and Dad always gave us big boxes of homegrown salad and veg. He also did a lot of decorating for us which we appreciated.

We would nit have dreamt of it.
My parents managed in their retirement and mother was helpful with knitted clothes, father helping out with gardening etc when they came to stay.
DH's mother was widowed and in fact we had to help her occasionally even though could ill afford it, as she struggled financially until the pension rules changed. Even then it took me a long time to fight for her dues which relieved her financial situation.

Now adult children seem to expect so much more from their elderly parents. I wonder why?

If you can afford it and the need is there then do it, no question in my mind.

Sorry pressed too soon, if you can’t then explain why you can’t and don’t feel guilty ar all.

J52

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

It doesn't sound as if any estate Summerskies and her DH might leave would be subject to inheritance tax though, if they are struggling themselves and her DH will have no private pension.

As IHT for a couple starts at £1 million if passed to children or grandchildren, I am wondering what kind of world some live in? Only about 5% of estates of couples in the UK result in payment of inheritance tax.

I was brought up by parents that didn't earn high wages and taught to save from an early age.anf if you want something then you saved for it and made sacrifices to get what you want . Because I saved when we brought our first house £15,250.00 we only needed a £12,500.00 mortgage.

We brought our children up to save and when they were 16 got a Saturday job plus worked during school ,college and uni holidays . Only money I gave them was £1,000.00 each . When my husband died the government gave me £2,000.00 towards his funeral but we already had the money set aside . My husband was 47, me 45 and out children 20&16.

My children worked paid for their own weddings and brought their houses with no help from me . And that's how it should be .

The phrase I hate is the bank of mom and dad. The old values of going without to beable to afford what you want should still be instilled into the young .

Even if I had been in the position to give my children money I wouldn't have . My brother has brought his children up the same way. They work and his eldest daughter and husband brought their own house and paid for their wedding themselves. My nephew works rents his flat and pays for everything himself and saving for what he wants. My youngest niece works and saved and soon be renting a place with her boyfriend who has also saved and works.

I remember when mortgage rates went to 15% ,wages weren't high but we went without so our mortgage was always paid .

I brought my grandsons piggy banks when they were 2 and they have been taught to save if they want to buy something.

Summerskies your dh has empathy and it shows but he spoke impulsively and should have discussed it with you first. Perhaps he cannot see your own financial reality and needs to have that wake up call. Full marks though for his kind thought

I gave my 3 a big sum each only a month ago, they all have a roof that needs mending and other big issues. Make no mistake, the AC generation are generally having a very tough time of it today. I saw that need and I helped knowing that my husband would have been on board with that. My AC work very hard, cook from scratch and don`t go on big holidays and never ever ask for money

Ok to say we did this that and the other at their age but it was a different world then, we had no help from anyone but that does not mean that any spare cannot be shared a bit today

Summerskies no you are not at all in the wrong. Your husband should not have made any offers without discussing it with you first. The only thing that may come out of this is that you can sit down and write your financial situation out in black and white, and your projected situation for the future. You could also choose to do a couple of "possible " future scenarios, where you considered a percentage higher cost for bills likely to occur and look at what if any increase you may have in your income. He does not seem to have thought about the future in real terms, and is living - in financial terms - in a day to day fashion without any concern for reality.

This can be partly because the majority of women have had to budget for the family , including thinking ahead for such things as children growing out of clothes and needing more shoes etc. So you also might look at a list of more basics , such as how old your cooker fridge etc are and the likelihood of them needing to be replaced and the need to save for such things too. Hopefully from this rather bad beginning you actually might be able to discuss how you see things moving, and the possibility - hopefully not needed - of being unable , through ill health of needing to have a cleaner or help with tasks.

That really might make him think more , especially if you considered the cost of someone having to come in and do things like turning mattress and reaching for things you no longer can do yourself. Just think of the minimum of say 2 hours and show the cost of that to him, and if he says you couldnt afford that then you say well he would have to do it himself. It may make him think, and hopefully perhaps realize just how much you actually do.

When you have been through all this effort then you might work out a way to possibly try to save a little for this future and then if you chose to, show your DD your working out of the situation and she will see that your father had no clue and was leaving it all to you, and recognise that she needs to sort out her own things, and not expect you to come to the rescue. You are actually being the most caring person in this situation and look at the truth and deal with it. Dont feel guilty at all, He should be very grateful for your efforts to keep things on an even keel

For a bit of mischievous stirring, you could put a holiday brochure on a side table for him to discover and say oh yes you have decided to have a cruise/ go to somewhere you had always fancied, and they had a special offer and so you have booked to go alone in a couple of weeks. When he is astounded and says what are you doing? you simply reply that you were doing the same as he was. Choosing to do as you please without any thought or conversation with him. That might wake him up and show him exactly what he was doing to you. You never know , he might apologize and also tell your DD that he was thoughtless and should not have done it!!

That was a kind impulse by the OPs DH. Very understandable too. Parents want to help their children. However, if it really can't be afforded it's pretty unwise. A very difficult situation for many.

J52

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

I think maybe I didn’t make clear what I meant! I wasn’t suggesting that the young couple pay tax, what I meant was that Summerskies said that she and her husband were working and struggling, so I doubted that they had enough money for inheritance tax to be a concern when the time came. Like Allira, I do wonder how many older couples are sufficiently well off to be liable for inheritance tax.

Whiff

I was brought up by parents that didn't earn high wages and taught to save from an early age.anf if you want something then you saved for it and made sacrifices to get what you want . Because I saved when we brought our first house £15,250.00 we only needed a £12,500.00 mortgage.

We brought our children up to save and when they were 16 got a Saturday job plus worked during school ,college and uni holidays . Only money I gave them was £1,000.00 each . When my husband died the government gave me £2,000.00 towards his funeral but we already had the money set aside . My husband was 47, me 45 and out children 20&16.

My children worked paid for their own weddings and brought their houses with no help from me . And that's how it should be .

The phrase I hate is the bank of mom and dad. The old values of going without to beable to afford what you want should still be instilled into the young .

Even if I had been in the position to give my children money I wouldn't have . My brother has brought his children up the same way. They work and his eldest daughter and husband brought their own house and paid for their wedding themselves. My nephew works rents his flat and pays for everything himself and saving for what he wants. My youngest niece works and saved and soon be renting a place with her boyfriend who has also saved and works.

I remember when mortgage rates went to 15% ,wages weren't high but we went without so our mortgage was always paid .

I brought my grandsons piggy banks when they were 2 and they have been taught to save if they want to buy something.

That is exactly how I see things. If asked I would lend, but not another penny until it was paid back. How do they learn to budget otherwise. I have worked very hard and still do for every penny I have.

How lucky is your DD to have two such lovely parents! I think he didnt think before opening his mouth & is obviously not worried or concerned about the future.

You on the other hand have obviously been worrying about it but maybe havent shared it with him. Im glad its out in the open so you can both share how you are feeling & see whether there is any room to support her financually ..IF thats what you BOTH want to do, otherwise he can support her from his budget.

Bigs hugs .. hope youre still not feeling down, I think you said the correct thing for what its worth xx

As a young, single woman living on a very small income, I did ask my parents for help paying heating bills. I did not like having to do so, and felt that having accepted their help, I could not well refuse to run errands for them, or spend part of my summer holiday visiting them, and doing the tasks that as they aged were hard for them to manage.

This taught me that it is not really a good idea to help adult children financially, so my help to mine has tended to be of the more practical kind. Things like sourcing cheaper supplies of this or that, looking into social help, if applicable, or helping them to find some way out of the problem.

As, OP , you can no longer afford to help as you are struggling to manage yourselves, you do not need to feel mean or ashamed if you tell your children honestly what your situation is, and that you cannot help them.

How you tackle the discussion, or argument, about this with your husband is another difficult point. Here, I do not feel I can or should advise you, except to state the obvious, that is that that particular conversation must happen when none of your children are present.

Daddima

J52

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

I think maybe I didn’t make clear what I meant! I wasn’t suggesting that the young couple pay tax, what I meant was that Summerskies said that she and her husband were working and struggling, so I doubted that they had enough money for inheritance tax to be a concern when the time came. Like Allira, I do wonder how many older couples are sufficiently well off to be liable for inheritance tax.

That's it exactly, Daddima

Apparently the estate of only about 5% of couples in the UK would be liable for inheritance tax.

I do find that quite surprising, though, with house prices in the South-east being so high, many older people in that area might have assets worth £1million if the family home was included.

There are tax implications for financial gifts beyond a set limit if these are made from capital/savings and not out of surplus income on a regular basis. Worth checking up on this as it could come back to bite you on the bum at a later date 🙄

Jess20

There are tax implications for financial gifts beyond a set limit if these are made from capital/savings and not out of surplus income on a regular basis. Worth checking up on this as it could come back to bite you on the bum at a later date 🙄

Regular scheduled gifts based on surplus income, keeping records, is a safe approach for giving. Additionally there is an annual limit.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

It was just being discussed on the radio. The price of oil has tripled, but the government pay out of £100 is only for those on benefits, whereas everyone that needs heating oil will be feeling the pinch.

It's not only for those on benefits. Last night on the Martin Lewis show, Ed Miliband said it was being paid out by councils and anyone can apply. He also made no mention of how much individuals will receive.

We have three sons, they are all treated equally no matter their situation.

Will a bit of cold really be hardship for your DD. Yes, will probably need oil for hot water unless they use electric already. They seem to be out at work with all the child and nursery care that you provide. Think I'd be telling them to toughen up a bit and stick it out until the better weather.

My husband always relates the story of when he wanted to buy his first car. It was an old one and he needed to borrow about £250. His Dad who was very well off at the time and flying high refused and told him to get a loan from the Bank. He did just that and has never forgotten.

I find this thread incredible. The cost of heating oil at the moment is just about triple what it was before the start of the Iran war. We paid £280 for 500 litres in the winter and the same amount has now risen to £800 or more. This is for heating and hot water and because we live in a rural area, there is no other form of central heating available. This is a massive extra bill for anyone including us and actually my daughter has offered to pay ours for the next year for which I am really grateful. Everything else has shot up in price including food bills. Has no one on this thread noticed that? I feel sorry for people of all ages that are trying to cope financially at the moment as it just gets worse and worse. I thought families were supposed to help each other out in times of crisis but it appears the general feeling on here is that I thought wrong.

Back in the late sixties we were struggling financially as all our friends were. But once or twice a month I would get a letter addressed to me from my mum in law )who actually didn’t like me at all!) and she sent me a fiver or a tenner for whatever I might need it for. I never expected it but was always so grateful to her for that kind gesture. I am still grateful. Many years ago I popped £20 note into our daughter’s paper driving licence without saying anything. Two years later she found it and was so excited as it bought her groceries that week. It’s the simple things not the big gestures that mean a lot. But having said that I’m pretty sure mum in law didn’t tell fil and I don’t remember telling my dh about the £20 so maybe it’s a thing some of us do/did.

A note on inheritance tax: the oft quoted million pounds relates only to couples.
A single, or a divorced person's threshold is half of that.
I am not complaining about my eligibility for this, simply pointing out that many of us, with modest homes in the South East, may fall into this group and not be millionaires.

My parents weren’t well off but my DM used to buy all 3 of our children a winter coat and shoes every year. It was much appreciated but after she died my DF didn’t carry on with it, and I often wondered if she had told him she was doing it..
Our children have never asked for financial help but we have helped all of them with money for a house deposit. I am aware that we are all incredibly privileged being able to use the bank of mum and dad, but they are all hard working and I would rather they had the money now when they need it than wait for us to die. My DS and DIL who have to live in London because of their jobs would never have been able to buy their modest south London 3 bed terrace house for them and their 2 children without our help, and I have no regrets that they are no longer living in a cramped flat paying a fortune in rent.

Chocolatelovinggran

A note on inheritance tax: the oft quoted million pounds relates only to couples.
A single, or a divorced person's threshold is half of that.
I am not complaining about my eligibility for this, simply pointing out that many of us, with modest homes in the South East, may fall into this group and not be millionaires.

Precisely.

The £1million for couples is also inclusive of a home.

Homes not in the South East may be very mostly priced.

Their are many factors not 'fair' to everyone.

Just say no. You are not in a financial position to help her out.

You don't say if she has a husband. Is so cat his family help out?

What about her brother. Can't she ask him?