Supporting adult children financially

How lucky is your DD to have two such lovely parents! I think he didnt think before opening his mouth & is obviously not worried or concerned about the future.

You on the other hand have obviously been worrying about it but maybe havent shared it with him. Im glad its out in the open so you can both share how you are feeling & see whether there is any room to support her financually ..IF thats what you BOTH want to do, otherwise he can support her from his budget.

Bigs hugs .. hope youre still not feeling down, I think you said the correct thing for what its worth xx

Whiff

I was brought up by parents that didn't earn high wages and taught to save from an early age.anf if you want something then you saved for it and made sacrifices to get what you want . Because I saved when we brought our first house £15,250.00 we only needed a £12,500.00 mortgage.

We brought our children up to save and when they were 16 got a Saturday job plus worked during school ,college and uni holidays . Only money I gave them was £1,000.00 each . When my husband died the government gave me £2,000.00 towards his funeral but we already had the money set aside . My husband was 47, me 45 and out children 20&16.

My children worked paid for their own weddings and brought their houses with no help from me . And that's how it should be .

The phrase I hate is the bank of mom and dad. The old values of going without to beable to afford what you want should still be instilled into the young .

Even if I had been in the position to give my children money I wouldn't have . My brother has brought his children up the same way. They work and his eldest daughter and husband brought their own house and paid for their wedding themselves. My nephew works rents his flat and pays for everything himself and saving for what he wants. My youngest niece works and saved and soon be renting a place with her boyfriend who has also saved and works.

I remember when mortgage rates went to 15% ,wages weren't high but we went without so our mortgage was always paid .

I brought my grandsons piggy banks when they were 2 and they have been taught to save if they want to buy something.

That is exactly how I see things. If asked I would lend, but not another penny until it was paid back. How do they learn to budget otherwise. I have worked very hard and still do for every penny I have.

J52

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

I think maybe I didn’t make clear what I meant! I wasn’t suggesting that the young couple pay tax, what I meant was that Summerskies said that she and her husband were working and struggling, so I doubted that they had enough money for inheritance tax to be a concern when the time came. Like Allira, I do wonder how many older couples are sufficiently well off to be liable for inheritance tax.

That was a kind impulse by the OPs DH. Very understandable too. Parents want to help their children. However, if it really can't be afforded it's pretty unwise. A very difficult situation for many.

Summerskies no you are not at all in the wrong. Your husband should not have made any offers without discussing it with you first. The only thing that may come out of this is that you can sit down and write your financial situation out in black and white, and your projected situation for the future. You could also choose to do a couple of "possible " future scenarios, where you considered a percentage higher cost for bills likely to occur and look at what if any increase you may have in your income. He does not seem to have thought about the future in real terms, and is living - in financial terms - in a day to day fashion without any concern for reality.

This can be partly because the majority of women have had to budget for the family , including thinking ahead for such things as children growing out of clothes and needing more shoes etc. So you also might look at a list of more basics , such as how old your cooker fridge etc are and the likelihood of them needing to be replaced and the need to save for such things too. Hopefully from this rather bad beginning you actually might be able to discuss how you see things moving, and the possibility - hopefully not needed - of being unable , through ill health of needing to have a cleaner or help with tasks.

That really might make him think more , especially if you considered the cost of someone having to come in and do things like turning mattress and reaching for things you no longer can do yourself. Just think of the minimum of say 2 hours and show the cost of that to him, and if he says you couldnt afford that then you say well he would have to do it himself. It may make him think, and hopefully perhaps realize just how much you actually do.

When you have been through all this effort then you might work out a way to possibly try to save a little for this future and then if you chose to, show your DD your working out of the situation and she will see that your father had no clue and was leaving it all to you, and recognise that she needs to sort out her own things, and not expect you to come to the rescue. You are actually being the most caring person in this situation and look at the truth and deal with it. Dont feel guilty at all, He should be very grateful for your efforts to keep things on an even keel

For a bit of mischievous stirring, you could put a holiday brochure on a side table for him to discover and say oh yes you have decided to have a cruise/ go to somewhere you had always fancied, and they had a special offer and so you have booked to go alone in a couple of weeks. When he is astounded and says what are you doing? you simply reply that you were doing the same as he was. Choosing to do as you please without any thought or conversation with him. That might wake him up and show him exactly what he was doing to you. You never know , he might apologize and also tell your DD that he was thoughtless and should not have done it!!

Summerskies your dh has empathy and it shows but he spoke impulsively and should have discussed it with you first. Perhaps he cannot see your own financial reality and needs to have that wake up call. Full marks though for his kind thought

I gave my 3 a big sum each only a month ago, they all have a roof that needs mending and other big issues. Make no mistake, the AC generation are generally having a very tough time of it today. I saw that need and I helped knowing that my husband would have been on board with that. My AC work very hard, cook from scratch and don`t go on big holidays and never ever ask for money

Ok to say we did this that and the other at their age but it was a different world then, we had no help from anyone but that does not mean that any spare cannot be shared a bit today

I was brought up by parents that didn't earn high wages and taught to save from an early age.anf if you want something then you saved for it and made sacrifices to get what you want . Because I saved when we brought our first house £15,250.00 we only needed a £12,500.00 mortgage.

We brought our children up to save and when they were 16 got a Saturday job plus worked during school ,college and uni holidays . Only money I gave them was £1,000.00 each . When my husband died the government gave me £2,000.00 towards his funeral but we already had the money set aside . My husband was 47, me 45 and out children 20&16.

My children worked paid for their own weddings and brought their houses with no help from me . And that's how it should be .

The phrase I hate is the bank of mom and dad. The old values of going without to beable to afford what you want should still be instilled into the young .

Even if I had been in the position to give my children money I wouldn't have . My brother has brought his children up the same way. They work and his eldest daughter and husband brought their own house and paid for their wedding themselves. My nephew works rents his flat and pays for everything himself and saving for what he wants. My youngest niece works and saved and soon be renting a place with her boyfriend who has also saved and works.

I remember when mortgage rates went to 15% ,wages weren't high but we went without so our mortgage was always paid .

I brought my grandsons piggy banks when they were 2 and they have been taught to save if they want to buy something.

J52

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

It doesn't sound as if any estate Summerskies and her DH might leave would be subject to inheritance tax though, if they are struggling themselves and her DH will have no private pension.

As IHT for a couple starts at £1 million if passed to children or grandchildren, I am wondering what kind of world some live in? Only about 5% of estates of couples in the UK result in payment of inheritance tax.

Sorry pressed too soon, if you can’t then explain why you can’t and don’t feel guilty ar all.

If you can afford it and the need is there then do it, no question in my mind.

Primrose53

My husband never asked his parents for financial help and neither did I. His parents could easily have afforded to as they were very well off but he knew they wouldn’t.

My parents lived on a very tight budget so I just would not have asked them. Mum made clothes and knitted toys for the kids and Dad always gave us big boxes of homegrown salad and veg. He also did a lot of decorating for us which we appreciated.

We would nit have dreamt of it.
My parents managed in their retirement and mother was helpful with knitted clothes, father helping out with gardening etc when they came to stay.
DH's mother was widowed and in fact we had to help her occasionally even though could ill afford it, as she struggled financially until the pension rules changed. Even then it took me a long time to fight for her dues which relieved her financial situation.

Now adult children seem to expect so much more from their elderly parents. I wonder why?

The past is a foreign country…they do things differently there…

SORES parents didn't help in the past because there was no culture of doing so. Once you married, your parents stepped back, you were a new household and sank or swam on your own responsibility. Where that was the culture, it would not occur to better off parents, anymore than any others to offer to help you.

It would never have occurred to DH or I to ask for any financial help from our parents, although both might have been able to do so.

Whole house central heating was an expensive luxury when it was first introduced to modest urban homes. It still is, and people will have to adjust their mindsets accordingly because fuel deprivation as a weapon of war, is going to reach the West.

In my childhood (north of England; cold) nobody we knew had central heating. In winter we wore more clothes, wore them much longer, and washed less often. My unheated bedroom was (literally) freezing. When I took off my clothes at night, I put them under the eiderdown so they wouldn't be stiff and frosty in the morning.

The electric immersion heater that heated our water wasnt turned on every day. It was fired up on Mondays for laundry; and on the weekly Bathnight.

We shared the same bathwater in turn.

All that was long before double glazing and loft insulation, so houses were far colder anyway.

Daddima

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

You might have misunderstood me. I was merely pointing out that older parents who can financially help their adult children might want to, in order that the money that their children eventually inherit would liable to less tax.
In no way was I suggesting that this particular young couple would be paying tax on gifted money.
As an aside it might be worth all parents finding out about inheritance tax.

When my 3 were small, we were very poor in deed! neither my mother (comfortably off) nor my in laws (wealthy) helped at all, either with money,or baby sitting. A few times I asked for help, with things like a school trip or an unexpected bill/ broken washing machine etc and was treated to a lecture; my mother would help, but only after a tongue lashing, and the in laws not at all. I rarely asked, probably less than 5 times through out their childhood! In contrast (and because I struggled without the help) I have nearly bankrupted myself helping mine! I would hate for my grandchildren to grow up with the anxiety my children had (despite my best efforts to shield them) and for my own daughters to suffer the daily stress that ruined my parenting experience.

My husband never asked his parents for financial help and neither did I. His parents could easily have afforded to as they were very well off but he knew they wouldn’t.

My parents lived on a very tight budget so I just would not have asked them. Mum made clothes and knitted toys for the kids and Dad always gave us big boxes of homegrown salad and veg. He also did a lot of decorating for us which we appreciated.

sixandahalf

SORES an interesting memory. My parents stood by and watched as I suffered. It's incomprehensible really.

And the inlaws had the children for 48 hours and put them in a holiday club with complete strangers.

Ah well., we survived.

ting’

you have fired up another… where we lived was countrified,
no facilities but a village school and village hall.
I could take a bus into the town then another short bus ride
to where there was a lovely Nursery School.
There were 16 months between my children.
The fees were high but not prohibitive.
I spoke to my Dad, 250 miles away, asked would he like to pay for his grandchildren to attend nursery? he said he would speak to Mum and call me back.
My parents were comfortably off and had been left property jewellery, hard cash by older family.
Mum called back, voice from the Arctic, said, we will pay for one to go to nursery one morning but not the other.
I asked her to decide which one/choose. She slammed the phone down (get out clause) and it was never mentioned again.

I found the money for them both to attend two mornings
only as they were the only available places.
Waiting for buses with two weary little ones I hoped it was worth it for them.

My children have no knowledge or memory of any of this
of course.

I remember when I struggled while getting divorced with a baby and young son. I was too proud to ask for help I would never advise anyone to put pride first.
My DS and DD both have children they and their partners work they would never ask us for help.
I offer any help in any way possible and will continue to do so. I mostly help with food shopping and the childrens clothing its always appreciated.
National Trust theme parks and zoos etc the yearly membership. It all helps so they have family days out. I would give even more financial help if I could.
I would be upset if my DS or DD did struggle and kept it to themselves, as I stupidly did.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

SORES, the fact that you remember those days so vividly, the hardship you suffered with a little baby during a cold winter, the sacrifices you had to make, all while your parents were comfortably off, knowing your predicament, makes me feel proud and content that I help my son, daughter-in-law and their two little girls as much as I can, hopefully they will never have a memory of asking for help and not getting it.

It's not character building as some may say, it's causing your loved ones unnecessary stress and suffering.

thank you for this supportive reply - no of course it isn’t character building, you are right, what a dismissive cop out
that expression is

Proud and content you should be, what my daughter terms
the ‘perpetual Mum,’ we cannot help it and why should we,
whilst we are appreciated and loved this is its own reward.

J52

You should not feel guilty at all. Helping adult children is all very well, if you can afford to do it and if over time it reduces the inheritance tax bill.
Otherwise, do not put yourself in a difficult position, it sounds like you give a lot of support already.

I’m not really familiar with the ins and outs of inheritance tax, but I’m guessing that a working couple who are ‘struggling’ may not have to worry too much about inheritance tax.
To me, it sounds as if Summerskies does more than enough to help, and should not feel obliged to do anything at all.

💐💐

SORES an interesting memory. My parents stood by and watched as I suffered. It's incomprehensible really.

And the inlaws had the children for 48 hours and put them in a holiday club with complete strangers.

Ah well., we survived.

SORES, the fact that you remember those days so vividly, the hardship you suffered with a little baby during a cold winter, the sacrifices you had to make, all while your parents were comfortably off, knowing your predicament, makes me feel proud and content that I help my son, daughter-in-law and their two little girls as much as I can, hopefully they will never have a memory of asking for help and not getting it.

It's not character building as some may say, it's causing your loved ones unnecessary stress and suffering.

Summerskies,
Cossy is correct - announcing help without discussion,
fallout was bound to happen - your DH and DD should
realise this.

“Your mother and I have discussed this and would like to offer you £100 towards your oil bill just this once” at least allows your DD the option of a refusal.

You are already unpaid labour and paying nursery fees!

This has resurrected a memory of being a young couple in a cold rented cottage in countryside, toddler and new baby, winter of ‘78.

Our heating a Baxi Burnall, which is a bucket set into the fireplace, the ground essentially, which we had to be restrained with the use of as this needed to be cold in the morning at 6am for my husband to lift out take out and empty into a metal dustbin, hot ashes still.

We were all electric, had oil fired electric plug in radiators,
an immersion heater for the small water cylinder, an electric heated towel rail in the bathroom.

To conserve hot water as the tank was small and easily depleted, we had a dishwasher I bought on ‘deferred terms’ over two years from JL and in the days of (two lots of) terry nappies, an essential washing machine of course.

We had heavy door curtains and an electric blanket,
dressed in layers, made soup, kept up calories.
I didn’t leave the house during 2 weeks in December in biting wind and snow, a difficult time.

In February, we had an enormous electricity bill, huge, sickening, frightening really.
We separately mentioned this to both sets of parents neither
of which offered to help, despite being comfortably off and
no other grandchildren, in thickly carpeted overheated houses, miles away.
I sold a small antique desk
and my husband thinned out his extensive record collection
in order to pay.
This was our only utilities bill as rates and water rates were included in the rent which was reasonable.

We paid monthly after this, in those days a budget account
was calculated over a twelve month period which reduced payments considerably.
Neither did we experience a similarly cold winter again and baby flourished.

How grateful we would have been for financial no strings help during that vicious winter with a battle to keep baby warm, a fraught and anxious time.

The chimney breast in the large middle bedroom, attached to next door took the chill off the room and where we all slept, the outer, corner master bedroom abandoned, like an inhospitable north wing.

Installing heating at that time was never an option for us.

Our respective parents relieving us of a financial burden was
an option they chose to ignore.

It wasn’t as though my husband had bought a motorbike or we had holidayed in the Seychelles, this was a necessity, warmth.

Now I look back at how hardy we were although now I am
remembering my dainty antique desk.