I'm a bit stuck! What would you do?

We know that life changes for everyone, all the time, and we often face situations which are unplanned. You say you had a 3/5 year plan when you moved away to be near a Daughter who is now married and has her own life.

You say you love your current home and local life then also that it used to be wonderful ...... but not so much now?

Your feel that since your Dad passed away, your Mum now needs more support and you'd like to see her more regularly since she also cares for your diabetic (and depressed) brother. But you don't want to move back to where you grew up.

Any future plans or ideas for your Mum will undoubtedly feature your Brother. Is he likely to influence or pour cold water on future plans if they are to involve him? Will this cause stress and uncertainty for your Mother since she doesn't have the clear run that you do?

IMO I feel that since you are so uncertain as to what to do for the best at present, it would be best to do nothing. Not now. Take the freedom from work this summer and think carefully about your own future wants and needs. Maybe make a list setting out what is going to make you happy. Reflect on whether you do actually want to move or whether your concerns for your Mum are affecting your judgment.

You say she's two hours away. So why not, with the benefit of some free time and longer days, make a plan to visit her regularly. Say, every two weeks. Go and stay and see how 'it' makes you feel, how she feels and how you think she is coping. She may be perfectly happy where she is at present but it may be that she could happily be the one to move (along with your Brother?) to somewhere nearer you. That might make you feel less responsible or guilty that you're not helping her more.

Take the time whilst you have the time. It would be sad for you to literally make a wrong move which you come to regret.

Are grandchildren on the cards?

If you want to move then you should do so, and you don’t need to live in the town you grew up in, there must be lots of towns or villages within a certain radius not 2 hours away but perhaps a more doable 1 hour away. But if you don’t want to move and are just doing it to be near your mother would think of other options first, depends how active your mother is, and if she has serious health difficulties perhaps look at care in the home. Your brother is a separate issue and could also need options to help with his problems. Moving home to live somewhere you don’t like doesn’t sound like a great idea.

Thank you for the advice....giving me time to step back and just see how things pan out. No rush atm.
will meet up with Mum more regularly when she can fit me in ;-) and hopefully we will work it out.

While I agree it is a good idea to take time and reflect, I personally dont think its a good idea to base life decisions on the (possible) needs of someone else.
Live your life for yourself.

Hello 👋 Daisy! I can see that you are a good daughter and you want to support your Mum. However, you say that you love your house and local life, plus the housing market is slow, so this isn't the best time to move.

How would you feel about driving through to your Mum's e.g. on a Sunday evening and staying over for one or two nights, perhaps once a fortnight? Perhaps you could take her shopping and schedule appointments/ workmen on those days, so that you can support her and your brother practically in short bursts, but still keep your lovely home and local lifestyle?

Wishing you well whatever you decide.

If you only planned to be in your present place for three to five years, what was your intention to do next at that time?
You don't want to move back to your home town, you say you love your house and where you live, so why the urgency to move?
I have the feeling you need to be needed but realise the long-term consequences if you should move back nearer to your mother. If you have no other ties you could see your mother say once a fortnight, during the summer and see how that works, but I think you would be foolish to sell up and move from a place you say you love.

Grandmafrench some super sound advice here . I would do exactly this . A very wise lady .

Lots of good advice OP. If I were you I would visit Mum on a regular basis for the moment. And each time really think about how you would feel moving back and how you feel when you get back to your home.

Where were you planning to move after 3/5 years as PP asked. So that is a year or so away.

Can you help your mum to join a carers group or bereavement group. Has she spoken to her GP...I know that can be almost impossible. Has she other family members to share a bit of visiting her?
Is your brother getting help with his depression? Does he live with her? What is the long term plan for his care?

Not sure if GC are a possibility but if they are you could find yourself very much needed where you are. It would make more sense if mum and brother came nearer you. I do think your siblings should be giving some help however small
Good luck

Dd sounds a bit callous, you shouldn't have moved near her

Stay where you are happy, wait and see what the future holds

Have you thought about possibly renting your current home and renting somewhere nearer to your Mum?

Or, spending the Summer at your Mum’s or bringing her to stay with you?

Am I right in thinking you’re still working but currently on extended leave?

My advice, is don’t do anything without thinking it through very carefully.

I think an important consideration is how much support will your brother need when your mum is no longer there to look after him. A lot depends on his situation eg will you eventually become his carer in which case either you or he need to move. Perhaps he doesn't need that level of support but it is a consideration.
I wouldn't be concerned about whether your dd is likely to have grandchildren as she seems to have made it obvious that she doesn't need your support.
In the interim as others have suggested perhaps best to stay where you are and visit and stay over on. amore regular basis if you feel that is necessary. It will help you get a clearer picture of what might be needed.

a couple of questions how old is your brother and does being a diabetic and/or depressed really need being taken care of by someone in their late 70s?

I'm thinking about this scenario:
what happens if your daughter has children, you have moved away from her, she now needs your help and you've already settled somewhere else? It's all very well trying to be supportive to your family but at the end of the day, you need to be happy in your own life. As others are saying, take your time and think about what is also best for you

Obviously none of us can see into the future and you don't say how dependent your brother actually is , but is there an option where your mother could move nearer to yourself instead? which may help if she actually became more dependent on you later on in life.

I couldn’t agree more with Grandmafrench, very sound advice. Most caring people want to make things better for their loved ones, however you should look at this from all angles. Many have jumped in with both feet to meet the needs of others to the detriment of themselves and end up bitterly regretting it, if not resenting it entirely.
You don’t say what support your mum has sought in her grief, or your brother with his mental & physical health issues. For that reason could you not encourage them to seek support for themselves while you consider your own feelings. This in turn can be empowering for them, helping them realise that fundamentally as adults this is their responsibility in the first instance. I don’t want you to think that I am being uncaring I certainly can relate to your plight. Take your time to really assess your needs first, and then the needs of others.

Grandmafrench

What a wonder and well-thought out and logical reply.

(You could take over from Dr Tanya Byron in Monday's Times when she wants a holiday break!!)

Everything you wrote is spot-on and I hope the poster follows your advice.

(P.S. And if the daughter wants a family then not being near to a grandchild would be an awful wrench if she moved away)
.

Grandmafrench

We know that life changes for everyone, all the time, and we often face situations which are unplanned. You say you had a 3/5 year plan when you moved away to be near a Daughter who is now married and has her own life.

You say you love your current home and local life then also that it used to be wonderful ...... but not so much now?

Your feel that since your Dad passed away, your Mum now needs more support and you'd like to see her more regularly since she also cares for your diabetic (and depressed) brother. But you don't want to move back to where you grew up.

Any future plans or ideas for your Mum will undoubtedly feature your Brother. Is he likely to influence or pour cold water on future plans if they are to involve him? Will this cause stress and uncertainty for your Mother since she doesn't have the clear run that you do?

IMO I feel that since you are so uncertain as to what to do for the best at present, it would be best to do nothing. Not now. Take the freedom from work this summer and think carefully about your own future wants and needs. Maybe make a list setting out what is going to make you happy. Reflect on whether you do actually want to move or whether your concerns for your Mum are affecting your judgment.

You say she's two hours away. So why not, with the benefit of some free time and longer days, make a plan to visit her regularly. Say, every two weeks. Go and stay and see how 'it' makes you feel, how she feels and how you think she is coping. She may be perfectly happy where she is at present but it may be that she could happily be the one to move (along with your Brother?) to somewhere nearer you. That might make you feel less responsible or guilty that you're not helping her more.

Take the time whilst you have the time. It would be sad for you to literally make a wrong move which you come to regret.

Grandmafrench post covers all the bases and possible choices. Have the Summer to yourself and really rest and enjoy it.

Then think again about what to do

I think your brother and mum could maybe look after each other.

You may regret rushing back if/when your newly married daughter starts having children.

I say this as someone very involved in my grandchildren lives. My sister lives close to mum and although I talk to her every day,she helped with my sisters kids and my sister is paying back now.

I live too far away to help all the time, although I go and stay when my sis goes on holiday.

I prefer to be nearer my grandkids.

Daisy25, would your mother and maybe your brother, consider moving near to you instead of you contemplating moving yourself? Just a thought.

First thing is to do it for YOU, not everyone else. Look around at anything that is not quite right and see what there is to fix. I guess that not working is quite a transition - it was for me. So are you planning to work again? Are opportunities/ travel better where you are? If not, then you need to look at what is available for you in the way of leisure etc.

Two hours is not a long drive to see Mum, but perhaps a regular short stay would help her get back into the swing of her pre-bereavement activities and pick up a few more. Being of that age, I have a number of widowed friends and it does take a variable length of time to get going as a singleton, but they are out and about trips and holidays, walks and craft and lunch clubs etc. We have a really active U3A , WI and Trefoil Guild that most of them are never home!

Things change quickly. If you can afford to keep moving you have many more options, but I am guessing that both the cost and the upheaval are a bit much.

Your daughter is being neutral, I guess, but she may appreciate your nearness if children appear, as would you.

And should YOU need support then it is better to be nearer her than your mother.

Your brother is a grown man, and you are not responsible for him, nor should you burden yourself with him, or you will find yourself looking after him in your retirement. (My disabled brother lives 200 miles away, but I provide online and advocacy support without having to clear up around him).

Is it practical for mum to move your way?

Daisy25 … you have been given lots of really good advice here, so I won’t add to it ! But one thing jumped out at me when you wrote ‘ will meet up with Mum more regularly when she can fit me in. ‘ That doesn’t suggest to me that she needs you there ? Of course it depends what she is very busy doing.