Being excluded from Hen do!

I don’t think you should say anything to anyone at all apart from seeking consolation here and from close friends perhaps. Nothing good will come of it.

An invitation to a party is entirely the choice of the host and a bride has the right to invite those she feels most comfortable with to her hen do. She may have thought of inviting you but didn’t for a lot of different reasons, some of which may have been out of consideration to your comfort or enjoyment, or whatever.

I think your prior expectations of not being invited only altered when you read her comments, and hopefully you will build a closer relationship with your DIL as time goes on.

If you say something now it implies she has done this to deliberately hurt you and surely that wouldn’t be her intention.

Swallow your hurt and look at it objectively to get it in perspective for the sake of your relationship with your DS and DIL moving forward.

My DIL invited her gf's, sisters. mother aunts etc to her Hen do and not me. No offence or hard feelings at all. Son had diplomatically warned both of us that her ideal Hen shindig "wasn't his Mum's kind of thing".

He knew I'd absolutely loathe it.

It was an all-day "luxury" Spa "pamper" day with make-up makeovers, manicures, followed by a dinner with "extreme" male stripper. The whole thing heavily fuelled by alcohol (part of her culture )

My idea of hell. Sooner stick pins in my eyes.

DIL and I get on very well (for 20 years) because despite our differences we 've found plenty in common to enjoy about each other.

Roxynounou

I am going to put up! I love my son dearly and wouldn't want to put him in a difficult position. I shared on here as I agree with much of the advice generally shared on this site. Thank you for the usual sensible advice. Luckily I'm one of those people who can move on and forget.

Roxy not being pedantic but just before you get in trouble by using the phrase wrongly 😬

“Put up or shut up” doesn’t mean ‘put up with it”

It means put up your fists and have a fight about something or just st drop it.

Did you mean I am going to put up ?🤔

Astitchintime

Very thoughtless of future DIL……..but I’d not say anything……sooner put it on the back burner and make a mental note to not be quite so available or prepared to dance to her tune!

Good advice, I would do the same

Very exclusionary words! I'd call out "all the women I care about were there" to her face "what am I then a non person outside the context of being a loving grandmother?" let her squirm her way out of that, particularly if she knew this was something you were going to read.

She sounds very thoughtless I'm sorry you're so hurt.

I’m so sorry you’re upset and I think I would be too. I’m assuming the photos and comment were on a sm group which you’re on too , which is very thoughtless of her. I think I’d drop a comment about the lovely photos and you’re glad she had a great time . And see what happens .
Tbh , when did it become a thing that mothers and mils go to hen dos ?

I was just thinking of how the next several years after they marry will play out. Will she continue to exclude you from family events or "forget" to tell you about dance recitals? I'm so sorry I can only imagine how this hurt you. I'm not sure "thoughtless" explains it.

I think it's enough to have a good relationship with my children's partners, they chose my child as their partner not me. If over the years they come to value my friendship, that's great but as long as I have a good relationship with them and a close relationship with my children and grandchildren, I'll be perfectly happy. tbh I think it's perfectly normal to have closer relationships with your own family than with the "in laws".

My question would be, how old is your DIL? Young people and posts on social media are sometimes just "fake", sort of showing off, comments that mean nothing - "my bestie", "the people I love most" etc. Insincere, really.

I'm assuming by "put up" you mean put up with it because you love your son and don't want to put him in a difficult position, especially with a wedding coming up.

I'd do the same.

Good luck.

I feel your hurt Roxynounou.
Especially since you care for her child. It doesn't bode well does it

I would need to say something.
Social media is awful though isn't it.
I am not a friend of either DD or my 3 DiLs on FB and am glad of it.
Sending hugs. 🤗
What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. (As the saying goes)

A similar scenario has recently played out all over the news regarding the swimmer Adam Peaty. His fiancée didn’t invite her MiL to be to her hen do. Mil expressed her hurt on social media and now both sides of the family are estranged. It’s hurtful but I would advise engaging your higher brain if you do decide to mention it. The consequences could be devastating.

Cressy

A similar scenario has recently played out all over the news regarding the swimmer Adam Peaty. His fiancée didn’t invite her MiL to be to her hen do. Mil expressed her hurt on social media and now both sides of the family are estranged. It’s hurtful but I would advise engaging your higher brain if you do decide to mention it. The consequences could be devastating.

I was thinking of him when reading the previous posts.
Least said, soonest mended was one of my Granny's mantras.
Even if the OP has to almost bite her tongue in half, don't say a word, not even the merest hint that she is upset. Slap on a smile and pretend there hasn't been a hen do. Rise above the nasty remarks. Looking cheerful will likely get under her skin even more than if something is said. Keep her guessing!

How hurtful, but as Noel Coward and others here have said, rising above it is the noblest course.
I personally hate a hen do and is it possible your DIL assumed you might too?

To “put up” to me is to accept a situation and do nothing.

Cressy

A similar scenario has recently played out all over the news regarding the swimmer Adam Peaty. His fiancée didn’t invite her MiL to be to her hen do. Mil expressed her hurt on social media and now both sides of the family are estranged. It’s hurtful but I would advise engaging your higher brain if you do decide to mention it. The consequences could be devastating.

Yes, just saw Peaty (now known as Adam Ramsay-Peaty) on the news. It not only caused a rift in the family but he seems to have lost his golden touch in sport too.

I hope you can move on from this hurt, Roxynounou, and can form a reasonable relationship with your daughter-in-law.

You don't have to answer this but, looking at the photos, would you have enjoyed it?
For me, the important thing going forward is keeping a good relationship with the child.
🌼 🌸 🌻

Maybe she had the idea that it was only for ‘blood’ relatives? Very strange but a few can be like that. Usually hen does are only for young ones and workmates here and older ones wouldn’t be invited anyway.

No “put up or shut up” does mean “put up with it”. When said together it means the opposite. Otherwise putting up ‘with it’ would be the same as ‘shutting up”!

“Put your dukes up" means to make a fist and get ready to fight. It comes from old British rhyming slang where the "Duke of York" rhymes with "fork," an old word for a hand or finger.

Over time, people shortened "Duke of York" to just "dukes".

So, when I said what I did, I meant either tackle it in some way (I’d have to say something but that’s me) or ‘shut up’ and accept it.

Roxy I feel for you, I would have been hurt & upset too. Mothers, m.i.l & s.i.l, aunties from both sides are always invites, it's all the females from both sides of the family that make up the hen do party. This is how it was for both my daughter's hen dos. I would say something in a clever way, to let her know how hurt you were, just a throw out comment. You must be close if you look after your GD once per week.

I understand how you feel. Not being invited to the hen do wouldn't particularly have bothered me, but the comment about 'all the women I care about are here' would have cut quite deep. Hard as it is, I'd just keep my thoughts to myself and rise above.

Mmm it’s the comment for me too, totally unnecessary! I’m pleased you can move on and forget. Hope that’s the end of her thoughtlessness. Ignore and carry on.

Sounds as if you are a very caring and kind lady. However, you now have her measure. Meet it with your measure. Don't be so available, do what suits you, and let her get your measure, inch by inch. Crying has helped to relieve the pent up emotions, but it is not a way forward. Bring out the 'you' in you . She sounds like one of the these modern self entitled types who thinks they are a princess and everyone is there for their benefit.

Agreed! I'd want to say something but wouldn't for fear of losing touch with your DC. Instead I'd bank that awfully hurtful comment for when/if an appropriate time came up.

I think you are best saying nothing, for one thing the wedding must be anytime now and you don’t want a problem with that.
I have never been to a hen do and thought they were just for the bride to be and friends, taking mum along seems rather inhibiting.

I have noticed that people often post things without thinking through the implications of what they are writing. (it even happens on GN sometimes) I think it is one of the hazards of social media and people, including me, should try to be more considerate of what they write.

My only advice is, don't lose sight of your relationship with your GD and do anything in spite that will upset that relationship and possibly hurt your GD.

luluaugust

I think you are best saying nothing, for one thing the wedding must be anytime now and you don’t want a problem with that.
I have never been to a hen do and thought they were just for the bride to be and friends, taking mum along seems rather inhibiting.

The goal posts keep changing with regard to hen dos, I personally think that hen dos and stags are an antiquated custom that are now too expensive and should be scrapped but that is my opinion. Obvs they can cause upset and division before the wedding even takes place.