Being excluded from Hen do!

2Understand

I was just thinking of how the next several years after they marry will play out. Will she continue to exclude you from family events or "forget" to tell you about dance recitals? I'm so sorry I can only imagine how this hurt you. I'm not sure "thoughtless" explains it.

I agree, it was a deliberate exclusion.

I am assuming you must have known your daughter in law for some years as your granddaughter is at nursery. If this is out of character, ignore it; put it down to pre-wedding excitement and do not mention it.
However be prepared for similar 'thoughtless' exclusions in future and should they occur do not let them pass without comment, as in, 'oh I am sorry you didn't tell me, I would have loved to have come.'

I too would be very hurt especially by the comment! Why do people have to be so horrible my conscience wouldn’t let me do it!

pably15

It was very unkind of her to say " all the women I care about were there ", so I would be otherwise engaged when asked to mind the GC.

Cutting off your nose to spite your face, maybe?

Astitchintime

Very thoughtless of future DIL……..but I’d not say anything……sooner put it on the back burner and make a mental note to not be quite so available or prepared to dance to her tune!

Absolutely this 💯

I'm very sorry and I ask what on earth is wrong with people?

All this excluding and game playing and on line bragging. It's very unpleasant.

I don't think you should involve yourself in passive aggressive behaviour, things may escalate. A few well chosen words perhaps?

I would comment on the post … along the lines… ‘ pleased you all had a wonderful time together … special family memories’ just so she knows you saw it!!

How hurtful!
I think if it were me, l would mull and worry about it until l had to say something. That’s not particularly good advice, but l have spent a lifetime of keeping my mouth shut when really l should have said something about so many things. I think l could just about cope with not being asked to the ‘do’ but she must know you’d have seen the picture with the comment on it, which would have upset anyone. I’m sorry, we live in a particularly thoughtless age and some people are very good at upsetting others. You sound like a lovely grandmother and she’s jolly lucky to have you.

Roxynounou

My future DIL has just come back from her Hen weekend. I wasn't invited and had thought it was just because it was for the younger ones. But the bride to be, has posted pictures and the group includes her mother, aunt and her brothers girlfriend!,,,. I didnt expect to go but the comment that "all the women I care about are here"! Has really knocked me. She just messaged me to say I can arrive a little later tomorrow ( I look after my GD tomorrow) as she is taking GD to visit a new nursery. I can honesty say I can't remember the last time I cried.

Just to let you know, you are not the only one. I too didn't have an invite to my DIL hen. I really do understand how you are feeling. I've been there.
It is not my type of scene at all, but to be asked would have been nice.

I think that it's absolutely shocking that you've been excluded in this way. Sad to say that it says a lot about your future DiL. I do think it's not unreasonable to say to your son how distressed and excluded you felt. He probably didn't even think about it. He should have and so should she. You could ask him if this is going to be how it is in future? That might get him thinking and remembering your hurt.

Glenfinnan

I would comment on the post … along the lines… ‘ pleased you all had a wonderful time together … special family memories’ just so she knows you saw it!!

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of letting her know I saw it. I say ignore it and carry on. The grandchild and son are who matters in all this.

TerriBull

Very exclusionary words! I'd call out "all the women I care about were there" to her face "what am I then a non person outside the context of being a loving grandmother?" let her squirm her way out of that, particularly if she knew this was something you were going to read.

She sounds very thoughtless I'm sorry you're so hurt.

I agree. I'd have to say something to her or I'd stew on it for ages.

I might say something further down the line once they are settled and married !
However, I would be relieved not to have to endure a hen do if I am totally honest! My idea of hell !!!

I feel your hurt. How did today go with the met-up with her and your DGD?

I was excluded from a relative's hen do a few years ago. I was briefly put out when I saw the photos on social media - until I realised I'd had a lucky escape.
The comment was mean though, especially if you do childcare for her.

Here is what I would want to do:
If I were contributing to the wedding, I would quietly withdraw my offer ...
I would ask her (or my son) if the hen party members were the wedding guests and if so presume that I wasn't wanted or welcome there ...
Start being very busy when needed for GC duties ...
Start being very needy for my son's time, asking him to bring my GC but to leave my dil at home as "she must really need some alone time" ...
Make subtle remarks about how she is only interested in herself ...

What I would actually do:
Absolutely nothing. My son and my grandchildren (there could be more!) mean more to me than any 'event'

Yes, as others have said, like the Peatys and Ramseys and we have all seen how that has played out especially with the aunt constantly poking her nose in.
I’d say nothing but file it away for future reference. A slightly smaller birthday and Christmas present maybe. I’d keep up my relationship with my son, being non committal, and look forward to seeing the little grandchild, not offer her help otherwise.

I thank heavens neither of my daughters are like this. And if they were I’d be saying something.

It happened to me too. I want to see my granddaughter so I keep my mouth shut. I also am very nice to my daughter in law which I think does more good than harm. If your grandddaughter sees you in a positive light, she’ll question your daughter in law when she is older. My mother wasn’t treated nicely by my father’s family, I can see it now I’m older. That generation have all passed now. My dad’s sister treated me badly too, too late to ask her why. It hurts, but take the higher ground.

Goodness...No wonder your upset.I had a D I L like that.Horrible cow.Thankfully..my other 2 are good.xxx

I totally understand why you are upset. I wasn’t invited to one of our daughter in law’s hen do. I don’t think her mother was but I’m not really sure. I put it down to the fact that we come from a different class to her and she didn’t think I would get on with her well off friends. I would say to her that you’re upset then do as I have done ‘put it to bed’.

It seems to be the don e thing with women does'nt it, I would have loved female friends but my goodness they can be nasty and they talk about being awful.

I'm sorry you were upset by futureDIL.

Perhaps remain silent, never say a word about her hen do.

Passive aggression or telling your son are not good ideas, imo.

Having been there. I would say nothing at all.

I have my grandchild several times a week and have done for quite a few years. I would like to continue, so I say nothing at all. I bite my tongue.

I am sorry you have been hurt. But i suggest you look at it in the context of a long family relationship ahead of you all. You can take a deep slow breath, step back, and in your mind remember this was her choice, and you can choose to wish it had been otherwise BUT accept that it happened, and move on. This may be hard - or may (and i hope will ) feel dignified and appropriate. And over the years ahead, my bet is that you will be glad not to have complained at such a critical moment in building a new set of family relationships.

I wasn’t invited to either of my dil hen do’s feeble excuses. I did rise above it but never forgot being left out. It was the same when the grandchildren were born my husband and myself feel the same but we do rise above it. But definitely never forget the hurt.