DIL Requested a £100 Baby Gym

If you can comfortably afford £100, I'd give it and say "This will be part of his Xmas present".

If you can't , just say " Sorry, that's a bit of a stretch at the moment.".

Given the temperatures in Europe this summer I'm sure babies there are barely wearing more than a vest.

Your DiL obviously lacks manners, and won’t change. If you can afford it I would arrange to buy it online and have it delivered to their home. Just don’t expect a thank you from her. Hopefully, you’ll be able to visit them soon and watch your grandson having fun in his baby gym.

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother RosiePosie.

If you want to buy your GC a baby gym then do so, if you don't want too then don't.

Two issues -

1. why isn't it enough your son thanking you for any present you give them?
Why is it necessary for your DIL to say thank you?
This may be happening again so it is important if it gets settled.

2. The amount of clothes a new baby gets - enormous, barely gets to use them all and they grow so fast.

Why not telling your son and dil what your budget is and adapt your gift to that?

She is probably asking if you are going to buy it because they plan to buy it if you don't, not to pressure you. Saying no would be just fine if you don't want to do it.

The point though is that they have things that they want and would prefer people to buy those things (or put money towards them) rather than getting things they don't need or want. I think that's practical and fair. I stopped wanting surprise presents when I was a teenager and much preferred money.

I think it's best to give with no expectations or don't give at all. You may feel you are entitled to certain social rituals, but rituals change with time. You need to let go of expecting formal thank you messages from the woman and only the woman.

If you have these expectations you are giving them extra work to do along with the unwanted gift, AND you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Everyone loses.

I think I wouldn’t buy clothes unless they point out an outfit they want Your taste may be the opposite of her taste I remember some awful stuff my lovely mother in law sent me.
I ve always asked for lists birthdays and Christmases and felt that the parents would best know what they want/ need
I d buy the gym if you can afford it

Is the issue with the request your DiL has made? It would seem that you do not have a good relationship with her (is this the issue?) Can’t you speak to your son? He must have agreed to this request?

Hithere

Two issues -

1. why isn't it enough your son thanking you for any present you give them?
Why is it necessary for your DIL to say thank you?
This may be happening again so it is important if it gets settled.

2. The amount of clothes a new baby gets - enormous, barely gets to use them all and they grow so fast.

Why not telling your son and dil what your budget is and adapt your gift to that?

Exactly my point of view.

I understand your disappointment at her attitude. At first I thought’No way!’. Then I reconsidered, first grandchild, living abroad and I buckled. I realised I would get the gym, make it clear that it is his Christmas present. Then sit sit back and await arrival of
Notification of safe delivery,
Proper grateful thanks for present,
Picture of the baby using the gym.
Give it a couple of weeks then, if not received, tell son and wife how disappointed you are at their lack of consideration and courtesy and can they try to understand your point of view?
Good luck!

Maybe a picture of such a very young baby near the gym would be appropriate.

You say you have already spent £100 on gifts. Now DIL has asked you to spend another £100 when you were only thinking of a little present to send over with your SIL when she visits
Posters are saying times have changed and new parents dictate what they want grandmothers to buy ! (Thankfully my adult children wouldn't dream of telling people what to buy for their offspring. )
Personally I would not buy the gym or contribute to it and would reply to the email accordingly and politely. However, when you visit and are chatting you could suggest the parents might like to send you a list of ideas for birthday and Christmas presents.

Just briefly - I didn't put my daughter in dresses until she could walk.
I had a lot of dress and knicker outfit gifts that she never wore. I'm sorry to say I was rude and dismissive about them (in private) though everyone did get a "thank-you".

We all like different things.
I think clothes are difficult.

Now we have grandchildren I always ask for suggestions. If I can't afford it I say - here's £20 / £40 / (or whatever) towards it.

I would love to buy things I look at and think "gorgeous" but end up buying what is actually wanted. It's a real delight when they overlap!

🤞 if you do buy the chosen item that baby photos will follow with them using it.

I would not say "dictate", I would say parents give useful suggestions on what to buy so the house does not get cluttered and the presents to get used.

Just send her a less costly gym

No. No no...
She will have researched these and may be fixed on it...
Don't do that without checking!
It may be more waste!

You could say "I can afford this (less costly) gym but could contribute to the other one if that is better"

NotSpagheti - exactly! It all started with me asking her if f she'd started buying any interactive toys yet and showing her a Fisher Price Gym. She then must have researched and found the expensive more subdued colours of one she liked

I had asked her whilst pregnant what her preferred taste in baby clothes were and she and I were on the same page about traditional newborn clothes. She' s now said today that with Aircon everywhere it was too cold to dress him in them. That's why I provided a cardigan. I personally would have dressed my baby indoors with them on and sent my mum a pic

I’m getting a bad feeling about your attitude to your Dil, you may think “shes hard to read” but you’d be best to keep on the right side of her, as she holds all the cards, so to speak.
Send them the baby gym they’ve requested and look forward to meeting your grandchild in a couple of months.
You just need to chill out and go with the flow and all will be fine.
Otherwise, could be the opposite.
Good luck.

Thankfully my adult children wouldn't dream of telling people what to buy for their offspring. Cocopops
But it’s not about them telling you what to buy, I certainly always used to ask my children what would be best to buy and this was 20 to 30 years ago, so not new. What’s the point in sending something that isn’t liked or a duplicate of another present. Surely it’s better to discuss what the baby or child would like or need.

I tend to agree with DollyD stop thinking about it as a snub and in future always ask what shall I get her/ him

I personally think £100 is way above expectation RosiePosy for a Christmas present but you obviously are used to paying that amount as you said you had spent £100 on clothes
Clothes are really dodgy to buy and they grow out of them, in like two minutes, leave them to the mum to buy, unless you have a very close relationship with her … and always check first

I 100% agree with you BlueBelle their baby and imposing clothes is taking away the excitement of being a new parent.

It is not up to the grandparent, it is up to the parents and especially the new mum. The grandparent job is to be quietly supportive and definitely not to try and control

I would provide that baby gym, then step back and wait to be asked if anything might be needed

I see now that the clothes were discussed before you bought them.
Now, as a parent, she's realised they don't work.

Both of you felt fed up about that probably to be honest. I have seven grandchildren now and though I do sometimes succumb to a purchase I love, I mostly sit on my hands. Years ago I spent a lot on totally ignored clothes.
I know the mum loved the look of them but they were too fiddly to be practical for three youngsters needing to dress/undress quickly.
I did think about this when I bought them. They were really lovely dungarees.

Now I've realised that only some cuts of (say) leggings work for my various grandchildren. The tall skinny 10 year old can't wear x and y. The shorter rounder one a and b.

Sometimes it's just a learning curve... for mums and dads as well as grandparents.

Don't take it as a slight. It was almost certainly an honest mistake.
...at least you are communicating. Soon you will get to see the little one.


Please don't take it to heart.

Shouldn’t your title read your son and Dil requested a £100 baby gym?

Of course she should say thankyou!
Parents seen so ' entitled " .
In your situation if I could afford it I would buy the baby gym - they are moving overseas and you dont want them leaving with animosity.
If she does'nt thankyou.......then she is very ungrateful and rude!!

If you can afford it I would send the baby gym, no idea if that is a reasonable price, and see how things develop from there. If you receive the same scant acknowledgement of the gift restrict present giving to birthdays and Christmas, and /or put money in a savings account for the child.

Your SON thanked you for your gift…so Whats the problem?
It’s his baby too or will you expect,as my in-laws did,that She buys and writes cards and chooses gifts because your son is too busy / important to deal with family stuff?
Times have changed,MEN are and should be just as involved with their children.He said thank you that should be enough .

I'd buy the exact gym your son and daughter in law have decided on.
There's no point whatsoever in buying more/other things which are not requested, unless you want to feel hurt again when they're not appreciated.