DIL Requested a £100 Baby Gym

Ooh, it seems a bit of a cheek, asking for a £100 gift! I wasn't brought up to stick my hand out for presents but to graciously accept anything people might want to give me. Still, maybe times have changed, now we're living in an entitled consumerist society? As for whether to buy the thing your d-i-l wants, well it depends on what you want to do, in your heart of hearts. You could say that you can't afford that much but will send a smaller "gym" item (assuming you can find something like that - what the ding-dong is a baby gym anyway?). Or you can buy the gym and, if your d-i-l is still sparse with her thanks, resolve not to indulge her poor manners again and just buy what you want to buy in future, not what she suggests you buy (how irritating are those people who want to spend your money for you!). I don't agree with people who say it's enough that your son thanked you. It isn't. Saying thankyou for baby gifts is the responsibility of both parents.

Hithere

Two issues -

1. why isn't it enough your son thanking you for any present you give them?
Why is it necessary for your DIL to say thank you?
This may be happening again so it is important if it gets settled.

2. The amount of clothes a new baby gets - enormous, barely gets to use them all and they grow so fast.

Why not telling your son and dil what your budget is and adapt your gift to that?

Because it’s just good manners to say thank you to the granny who’s bought a lovely gift for her first grandchild. It doesn’t matter that her son has thanked his mum, DiL should also thank her, just basic good manners.

It’s what I hear from many friends, that dils and other relatives don’t do thank you’s anymore.
When asked if they received the gift from Amazon or wherever they just say ‘oh yes’.

Good manners is burping in public too in some cultures, not in others.

Buy what she has asked for.
See how things go.

Well tell her a yes or no anyway cos she probably wants to go ahead and get it herself if not. I can understand your disappointment how things are turning out. But perhaps you could "adopt" someone else's kid as recipient of your kind gifts and attention and just send the one overseas amazon vouchers to your reasonable budget limit. Sadly it doesn't look like the actual children and grandchild are gonna fill that niche any time soon. Or there are the overseas sponsor projects some of which do encourage more direct contact than others.

Nightsky2

Hithere

Two issues -

1. why isn't it enough your son thanking you for any present you give them?
Why is it necessary for your DIL to say thank you?
This may be happening again so it is important if it gets settled.

2. The amount of clothes a new baby gets - enormous, barely gets to use them all and they grow so fast.

Why not telling your son and dil what your budget is and adapt your gift to that?

Because it’s just good manners to say thank you to the granny who’s bought a lovely gift for her first grandchild. It doesn’t matter that her son has thanked his mum, DiL should also thank her, just basic good manners.

I think one person can speak for a whole family or couple actually. If I'd just had a baby I'd be happy to rely on my partner to keep track of these things.

Buy the gym and then that's it for communicating directly with a DIL who has so little regard for your feelings. Politely tell your SON (don't ask, tell) to text you a picture of Baby. "Hi, can you text me a picture?" Not a judgey word about DIL, since he clearly doesn't want to get involved. (Smart guy.) He can simply take one off his phone and send it to you- hopefully with a caption explaining ay milestone. I do this almost every day I don't already get a pic or video. **Don't mention this to DIL!!!! ...The bigger thing you can do is find babies or children near you to dote on. This will help you and the child you give attention to- and maybe a lonely Mama. And, as you look back at pix with yout grandchild in future, you can share, "Nana was pretending this was you, sweet grandchild!" ...I write as a Nana whose grandkids are either far away or in full-time day care. It's hard that I don't have the doting relationship I wanted, but I have found a way.

I think it might be a bit much to ask sis in law to carry or pack a probably quite bulky parcel and if in a suitcase it may even be damaged on arrival.
To maintain the peace and only if you can afford it, I would point this out to your dil and just send her the money instead.

The first issue with the baby clothes: I was that DiL 50=odd years ago when my MiL made two beautiful old-fashioned baby gowns for our baby son. But babygros had just come in and of course he wore those. I still feel bad about it.
Second issue: without knowing what your finances are like, your DiL is at least including you as the granny and asking for something she really wants for your baby GS.
Can you go online together and discuss which baby gym to buy and how to order it?

When my first DGC was born over 20 years ago we bought the pram for baby . When they had their second child 2 years later they decided to use the same pram . When we asked what they needed for baby instead they asked for a fridge/freezer 😂.! So that’s what we bought . I would get the baby gym if I were you , it’s a lot cheaper than a fridge freezer .

Sounds like DIL wears the trousers. Is she from a different culture / moved to be closer to her Mum? Or for their jobs?
Was there a good reason they moved? Or was she separating her DH from his family?
If it's that hot and new parents, try to forgive them the small things - but I'd keep an eye on the bigger things if I were you.

My honest advice, honestly and kindly meant is, get a dog or a cat and let them get on with it.
(And think very long and very hard about the wording of your will!)

Sounds like DIL wears the trousers
why?

Surely the new baby is a joint effort - mum AND dad.
If dad says "thank you" it's the same surely?
I bought something for a baby it really wouldn't matter who said thank you!

The family are a unit, who work as one.
I don't understand the "rules" that say the mother has to say thank you separately.

If I bought a family board game, I wouldn't expect all the members to line up and thank me, one by one.

JenniRen

What kind of baby gym is it that costs £100?

There are many good makes on the market which are far cheaper than that, including Fisher Price, Baby Einstein etc.

Try the middle aisle at ALDI !
I suspect the DILis not so much invested in a relationship but would like the fancy baby equipment! It would be a resounding no from me if I were asked to fork out £100 for one play item for a baby! Apologies if that offends anyone but sensory toys are so easy to create!

If you read the whole thread you can see baby gyms were a suggestion by the OP - maybe even a topic of conversation between the mum and grandmother.

MissAdventure

The family are a unit, who work as one.
I don't understand the "rules" that say the mother has to say thank you separately.

If I bought a family board game, I wouldn't expect all the members to line up and thank me, one by one.

But we’re not talking about a board game are we. A gift for a new born baby is very different to a board game for the whole family to share.

We're talking about a baby, whose conception was the result of two people deciding to conceive.
Two adults, both with brains, mouths, and the ability to say thank you.
One of them did.

I am sorry you are feeling hurt, and want to suggest a way to think about all this.
As those of us who have had babies all know, those early weeks and months are incredibly demanding - and wonderful too. So the parents may be struggling to find time to write a thank you. I agree with others who are saying this is early days for a long term relationship with the baby and the parents and ,if you can, I suggest you put aside your hurt feelings - and if you can afford it buy the baby gym. Do not muddy the waters of this important relationship so early in the child's life, and remember that having a good relationship with parents and child is what you want for years to come. In the future you will probably look back at this story and it will have shrunk in importance. Your love for your son and grandchild will be far more meaningful and maybe you will be able to find a way ahead to build a happier relationship with your DIL too. I hope so, for all your sakes and wish you well.

" I'm the type of person who gets happiness out of giving and am a people pleaser"

This is dangerous OP.

If you give presents to get your fix and when it does not happen - resentment is bound to happen, as we clearly see in this post.

It is all about expectations how you think you should be thanked.

Buy the gym. If it’s too bulky for your sister to transport transfer the money into a bank account and ask her to buy it herself . Say you’d love to see a photo when she has it.

Always ask for suggestions for birthdays and Christmas . Many families , including ours share a list of presents which is indicative of everyone’s taste. Everyone gets something they like, win win .

MissAdventure

We're talking about a baby, whose conception was the result of two people deciding to conceive.
Two adults, both with brains, mouths, and the ability to say thank you.
One of them did.

And the other who should have but didn’t.

I would buy the baby gym but send it with a nice letter saying that you are glad to buy it but it will have to be an early Christmas / birthday present for gc this year? And that you are so looking forward to seeing gc playing with it in person.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree, Nightsky2.
We don't want to get in a punch up over a baby gym

Nightsky2 your comment made me eye-roll!
Very silly!
🙄