Its two months since my lovely daughter died.

Kupari, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and I can only wish you well. From a practical point of view, I wonder if you have thought of writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal? I did that myself when I was going through a hard time (not as hard as yours) and it really helped me. I never showed the journal to anyone and, in fact, recently destroyed all the pages I would not want anyone else to read, but it was a relief to let all the angst I was feeling come out.

You wrote so movingly Kupari. The hardest thing about losing a child or grandchild is that it is not what we expect...it isn't the normal order. We expect to lose our parents but not our children. You sound remarkably strong as it is such early days for you all. I don't think that you should feel that you can't talk about your daughter to your friends..if they are true friends, they will be there for you whatever. I need to talk about my lost grandsons as, although I have just about accepted that they are no longer with us, they are still part of our family . Talking keeps the memories alive . Many many things will be painful but that is part of the grieving process. Talk about her, cry about her., love her.
Bless you.

Bereavement is learning to cope in small steps. There is always something to remind you, a birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, a holiday. It won't go away. But 2 months is such a short time. We lost our niece aged 16 , 3 years ago and there is always going to be that gap in our lives. It's 100+ times worse for her mum, she was a single parent with an only child, she can never get on with her life in the same way. You have your GC to help you focus, She lives on through them.

So sorry for your loss. Your daughter must have been (and still is ) so loved

Kupari, my heart goes out to you. Your post reminded me of how hard I was finding it all two months after losing my daughter - as you say, you come to that point of really knowing that they are 'gone', but missing them feels so very painful. These are the worst of times and every day is a huge effort. I found I was very tired and yes, I experienced a sense of physical pain too. I sometimes felt my heart would literally break. This is grief at its sharpest, but I want to reassure you that over time these physical symptoms - which are apparently common - do diminish and eventually pass. It takes time, but the grey will lift.

Of course, you will never be the person you were before, but please also be reassured that you will get stronger and that you can build a positive life - what your daughter would want for you, I am sure. It is now nearly ten years since my daughter (aged 12) died. I think of her loss as having written a fault line in me - the marks of love - but I have a good life and there have been new joys. You will never forget her - even though you may sometimes worry that you will, or find remembering difficult or too painful at present. All that she has been to you is etched in you and over time the raw sadness will give way to remembering without the great sense of pain you are carrying at present.

I have often thought of you since reading your first post. Take care and be as gentle with yourself as you can be,

xx

I can't add anything to what has been said on here. We lost our dear daughter in law to breast cancer, which was dreadful, but I have a daughter and what you are going through is beyond my imagining. My thoughts are with you. May you find the strength to deal with your loss. ?

Brenda I am so sorry for you and sorry too that you feel your friends don't want to listen when you talk about your daughter, but glad that you have felt able to come back to talk to us on GN.
Your daughter will live on through you and your grandchildren and you can help them keep her memory alive.
I hope your holiday helps you a little on your journey of acceptance

kupari45 I can't bear to think about the pain you're going through, and the rest of your family. Your daughter will always be in your heart ❤ ?

Kupari That must be the most unimaginable heartache - I can't bear it for you. Sending and very gentle hugs XX

Kupari thank you for sharing the rawness of your grief with us. I hope it helps to talk about it all like this. Sometimes friends just don't how how to respond and that can leave you feeling so alone with a huge sadness. I'd been wondering how you were, and would have messaged you if i could work out how to.
It sounds like you're being an enormous support to your son in law and the children. As others have said it's very early days still and it's no wonder you're experiencing lots of strong emotions, I hope you can find places in the real world too to talk about your feelings as you continue to get your head and heart around all that's happened in your family. Sending you love and

You must be going through a terrible time Kupari plus the worry you would have had previously with your DD so ill. I was at my mother's cousins funeral and my third cousin mentioned her DIL had recently died from breast cancer. I was very shocked and could hardly hold myself together. I had last seen my (third) cousin two years before when we met up and both happily chatted about both our three month old GDs and their four year old siblings. Two years later they were a very sad family.

I am glad you are able to spend time with your GC and SIL, my heart does go out to you.

Such an unbearable loss. My heart also goes out to you .

Just thinking of you . I have a daughter and cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing a child . I can only compare to when I lost my mum. It will get better and she will live on in her children

I have no words, other than to say I am sending you strength and much love x

kupari

On a positive note, you have encouraged me to make my appointment for my mammogram. Thank you kupari.

Do you talk directly to her as you go about doing things? You would know her responses and so this could help. Have you been to the doctors? Thought about seeing a counsellor?

I lost my dad last week and his funeral was today. My son was with me, later went out with his friends. I asked him if they had said anything to him and he said "no, people don't like to talk about death, do they?" And yet it will happen to us all. Maybe again, with a lot of life changes, it needs to be discussed more openly at schools.

Go away and don't feel guilty if you do get upset while you are away. You have taken a step to book something, pack cases, and go. How good is that? And also don't feel guilty if you are having fun and a laugh. We laughed too today, as well as cried. My dad laughed a lot. Grief is a strange one and it's a rollercoaster. Just do what your body is telling you and look after yourself and your darling husband, he sounds like a diamond. Xxx

My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. Your friends are like most people, so scared of death they find it hard to dwell on it for long. I know it isn't something one gets over but I wish you well as you cope with it.

Kupari what a moving post! As you can see, so many of us on GN are thinking about you and feeling for you and your family as you all struggle to come to terms with your much loved daughter's illness and death. You know where to come when you need to talk about her and your grief. My heart, like all the posters, goes out to you. Be gentle with yourself. ((Hugs))

How sad to read kupri45 sad story.i found when I lost my son in 2007 (it was domestic violence) that my friends would avoid me even my own older sister could not be of help and did not want to. My brother was fantastic having lost my lovely sister in law when she was 55 so he knew what it was like to loose some one.i am glad to see you are keeping busy.i and my husband and daughter have a special guardianship for our grandaughter who was 6 when her dad died and is now 15 sadly in the last 2years she has come to understand what her mother has done and is having counselling but she keeps us busy and we are determined to give her the best life we can. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost some one dear or a dear friend my son was a wonderful man I was so proud of him.

As the mother of two beautiful daughters, my heart breaks for you. Along with all the other gransnetters I sent hugs to you and I know you will be in everyone's thoughts xx

I cannot say anything else than what others have already said, so this is just to let you know I have all my deepest sympathy and hope you will soon start to regain yourself, as I am sure your child would wish of you. You can say, at least he or she nust have enjoyed the short life and will not grow to getting old age pains etc.

Take care

Just wanted to say thank you for all your kind messages of support, you will never know how much they mean to me. On the day I posted I had arranged to meet two friends for lunch, but I got a text at 9a.m. to say they thought it best we arranged for another day, as I would be too upset that day. They have been friends for many years, but cannot handle bereavement.
I just felt at rock bottom that morning, and turned to Gransnet to talk to you.
I have read your messages over and over again, and will do in the following weeks.
Tonight OH and I are meeting up with SIL and the children and going out for a meal. Its a restaurant my DD really enjoyed, but the children are looking forward to tonight, so I shall go and enjoy seeing them, (but I will imagine my DD is with us).
I intend to keep going with the admin work at the animal charity . The staff are all young and full of the joy of life. They dont know about my DD , and I am not going to talk about her. I took particular comfort from those of you who lost loved ones a few years ago, and you have gone on to lead full and active lives.
Once again thank you so much to everyone who took the time to send PM's and kind messages of support. I'm not normally a miserable person, but I'm struggling at the moment, I miss my girl so much.
However I am looking forward to my holiday in the sun in a months time, and having time with my OH who has been great. He is not my daughters father, ( I was divorced when DD was 10 years old.) but loved her as his own.
Will let you know how things are going in a few months.
Brenda

I hope you enjoyed your evening with SIL and the grandchildren Kupari. It is a good way for you all to support each other and share your grief and your memories.

I am really shocked at the behaviour of your 'friends'. Surely if the day had been not a good one for you, it would have been your decision to cancel, not theirs. Probably a lunch with old friends would have helped you regain some sense of getting back to life.

You are being such a brave lady dealing with the pain you must be feeing. I hope you and DH enjoy your holiday and you come back refreshed and able to deal with the effects of your DD's death.

Oh my goodness, I can't tell you all how sorry I am at your loss. My heart goes out to everyone who has suffered in this way. I think the attitude of your friends was awful! Have they never had a bereavement that completely shatters them?! The nearest I've had is my beloved parents both at a relatively early age, one from heart disease and the other from cancer. I can remember after my S father died, going to their house and knocking on the door (why?!!) and of course, no one came, and collapsing into tears. I also lost a much loved cousin, again from cancer. However, I have never lost a child, which is the worse thing that can happen to anyone. I'm just so sorry.

How sad that your friends didn't understand just how much you needed them that morning. Unless you have been there, it's hard to deal with another person's grief - especially when it's a child, or grandchild.

I feel for your pain. I do.

Someone suggested writing would help. When I lost my grandson I started a diary and wrote to him every single night for over three years. I poured out all my pain and anger and sorrow, and love for him. It helped me. It may not be right for you as we all grieve in our own way, but I offer it as something to consider.

And I send you (((hugs)))