No Funeral

Funerals can also be a time of happiness and thanksgiving for the life of the one who has died. The best funerals I have been to have been those where the deceased has had a sure hope that this life is just a passing phase, leading to a more permanent home in 'heaven' with God.

I agree that 'saying goodbye' is for the people left behind. I don't mind what they do, I hope it will be whatever causes them least distress.
On a slightly different note -
My DH and I retired to Eire some 12 years ago. We had to re-write our wills and, in the process, were asked where we wanted to be buried, here or in England. (Cremations are quite rare in this part of Ireland). My DH immediately said 'Ireland'. I went along with this at the time as it seemed a long way off.
Unfortunately, my DH has been very ill lately, coming quite close to death. As he went into theatre for a major heart op, he said to me 'if this all goes wrong, do whatever is easiest for you with regards to a funeral etc.' This was a big relief to me as I was worrying about getting family and friends (most of whom live in England) over to Ireland for the service.
I am pleased to say that he is now recovering well and I don't have to make a decision but all this has certainly reinforced my view that funerals are for the family and friends of those who have died and it should be up to them how it is conducted.

I think when somene close has died, it's the ones left behind and need closure, that need to decide how that is going to happen. The star of the show surely won't mind what happens now, as long as their loved ones are content to say goodbye in their own way. My husband wanted his ashes scattered at sea knowing full well I got sea sick so that was a no no! We used to laugh about it and then he'd say " do what makes you feel good".

I'm sorry to read that there are some of us that did not attend the funeral of a loved one because of family dynamics or other reasons, and feel they are still unable to move on. I was an only child and my mother died 3 years ago, we'd had the conversation about wishes etc but obviously being an only the arrangements were down to me. Having said all that I get a lot of comfort going to a ' special ' place that we both enjoyed and spending some time having a quiet few moments in my head with memories and the like. It could be a wood, a walk you took together or even your favourite coffee shop you both loved.

My late husband was vehement that he did not want a "traditional" funeral - said he could not stand all the people who could not be bothered to come and see him in his lifetime turn up for his funeral. He had attended so many where this had happened and felt that the "mourners" were salving their conscience rather than paying respects.
He said he would rather the money was spent on a good wake at his favourite restaurant (he had always enjoyed going out for meals) and he drew up a guest list of 50 close friends and associates. Two months after his death we had a wonderful evening and everyone felt it was a fitting way to remember him and there was not the emotion and raw grief immediately after a funeral when one has to put on a brave face to cope.
I had no strong feelings either way , being a humanist, and as we had said our goodbyes before he died I was content to carry out his wishes.
He did relent and say I could accompany the coffin if I wished so I went to the crematorium with the funeral director, chose appropriate music and sat for several minutes with the coffin reflecting on his life. It was calming and not upsetting. No wreaths, just a red rose on the coffin and a raffia tied bunch of Nepeta from the garden from his beloved cats.
His ashes were paced in a bio-degradable urn in his favourite part of the garden .
I have since married a widower and moved to France but my present husband and I have the same views and we will have a private cremation and a jolly good wake down at the local Bistro. Hopefully this will not be for many years as we both consider ourselves so fortunate to have found happiness second time around.

I was about six years old when my beloved Grandad died and I still remember my disappointment and anger at not being allowed to go to his funeral, saying through tears 'but he's MY Grandad'. I am 80 now but this memory is still vivid.

A member of my sister-in-law's family had left wishes for a traditional Christian burial.Her daughter decided to do things her way and had her mother cremated with no funeral service and a small gathering at home to bury her ashes in the garden.Those invited felt very uncomfortable about this and found it hard to reconcile.
I have bought a burial space in a beautiful area looking down on my mother and grandmother's home town.That is all that matters to me-to be buried in the countryside where I will eventually become just part of the fabric of this land.

Loathe them personally, but agree that they are very much for the people left behind so they can do whatever makes them feel right. I hate the eulogies, telling everyone what a saint the dearly departed was even when they have truly awful to others, hate the mawkish poems and public outpourings, they never seem to be relevant to the people you remembered. At mine I would just stipulate that NOBODY says those awful words - lovely send off - I will be dead not going on holiday!!

If the thought of an arranged funeral bothers you so much, why not organise it yourself. It doesn't have to be religious (humanists organise bright happy gatherings) or even a competent friend is probably possible these days. But whichever route you go for, if you provide the material that you want remembered, then your family and friends can be involved and have a day that makes sense. As many others have said, leaving people out, particularly kids, makes closure far harder. (I was excluded from seeing my grandfather in both hospice and then the funeral, and 50 years on I still regret that). But don't leave your poor OH to feel guilty, work out the best for both of you, after all if you go first, you won't be around as a shoulder to cry on.

My DF died young (but not unexpected as he had a heart condition), he wanted to be Cremated (which DM did not agree with) & that no-one should wear black & no tears (he always said "you're crying for yourselves not me"), she abided with his wishes as it was what he wanted.

DM has left instructions to be opened after her death but we have discussed funeral, she will be buried with my step-father at the local Chapel where her Parents & baby Brother are buried. Instructions re flowers left as well - always have Family flowers only & Donations to chosen Charity.

My DH died 3 years ago, we had discussed our wishes, Cremation (no gravestones to visit was one of his wishes), Family flowers & Donations to RNLI. As we had only moved to new area 15 months before his death I found a wonderful local Funeral Director, I had already discussed the options when we knew DH had Terminal Cancer so it made it easier to arrange Funeral. We chose a Lay Preacher for a mix of Humanist/Religious Ceremony (my DH was raised in Jewish faith until aged 11 & was not particularly religious), one Hymn & a track from Roy Orbison played as coffin disappeared. His ashes were buried at the Crematorium.

I have briefly discussed my wishes with my DD & it is my Will that I am to be Cremated although I shall leave a letter with a few more instructions for her, hope it's not for a long time

I do believe it is important to be able to say that final Good-Bye & enjoy a good Party & catch-up afterwards - my experience has been lots of happy memories, laughter & stories

I totally agree with Everthankful. My sentiments exactly!

I have pre paid for my cremation and there will be no service, my ashes will be returned to the kids and they can scatter them at their leisure. They call it 'mum's click and collect'.

Die a little every day, put things to bed as they happen, give your love freely and when you are gone people will remember you often.

I recently had to sort my dad's funeral out, the amount of people there was pitiful as he was very old and most of his friends and family already dead or too ill to travel. It was not the marking of the man he was and fraught trying to get the kids to come log distances etc.

I would not want that for my kids to deal with.

On the day it will be just me and the chap on the 'deep fat fryer' and my ashes can go to a place I loved when it is not going to inconvenience anybody...or they can stick them on the roses.........

I love the pre pay, no one will be able to talk the kids into wasting money on anything, it won't help me at all and I would rather they had the money.

When my husband was cremated it was very informal. Our sons talked about their dad, and the grandchildren read poems and songs.
That was all. It was supposed to take fifteen minutes, but took longer because the funeral director was enjoying it so much he let them carry on.
Nothing religious.
Then we went to the pub near to the crematorium, and listened to his favourite music, and talked about him.
We raised over £500 for the local hospice.

My husband arranged his own traditional church funeral and I felt completely left out of it. Especially when his sister's floral 'brother' was placed in front of his coffin facing the congregation. It was as if they were the main mourners, not his wife and sons.
8 months later my dad and I had to arrange my long lost brother's funeral. Despite not having seen him for 20 years, and the circumstances around his very premature death, we and his friends celebrated his life and was much more of a closure.
My dad always said he would be happy with a hole in the back garden, so I did the next best thing and arranged a woodland burial with again a non religious service. Again closure.
Because I very little say in my husband's funeral it still annoys me and to me is unfinished business.

Will be cremated and so will my husband I am a humanist and believe that and my funeral will be a celebration of my life. My son died in 2007 I have his ashes in a urn with a model of a cricketer on the front as he played cricket. My daughter said she will keep mine and her dads and we will all go together when she dies, nice idea I think

Interesting to see so many contributors wanting minimum fuss. This is my feeling too, but my husband likes a bit of tradition. Neither of us believes in the religious side.
However, we both agree that funerals are for those left behind, and this seems to present a quandary. Does the one left behind choose the way they can handle best, or would they feel guilty knowing this was not their partner's choice?

So may differing views on this subject and some lovely ideas. Thanks everyone for the input.

Allule, our sons did most of the organising and chose what was going to happen.
There has to be some sort of organisation. You can't just leave a body where it is until cremation or burial.

Mr littlefierce has informed me he wants to donate his body to medical science. Still trying to get my head round this but I'd imagine we'd have some kind of service once I get his leftovers (eek). As for me, well I have no religious belief & had started to wonder about what would be appropriate. I feel quite cheered at discovering here you don't need a 'ceremony'. I think scattering my ashes followed by a big family get together at a pub of my choice with toasts to me would do very nicely

Do you think it matters how old you are when you die? A friend died aged 62 and the crematorium was packed for his funeral, colleagues, friends, family, parents and even children he had taught turned out for it. It was a huge occasion and he had planned it all. It gave us all a feeling of being close to him for one last time.

Living in a fairly rural French village, the mostly older population LOVE a funeral ......but in the case of my husband and I, we have decided we want nothing other than transporting from place of death to the crem. Funeral directors are obliged to comply with the handwritten request left by the deceased . Even so, it is quite expensive ...you MUST have a coffin ....now I wanted a printed cardboard one I chose from the UK, with daisies on it, but here I am told I am not allowed that ..even though it is biodegradable ! Looked into a woodland burial, but not possible here in rural France. Is possible to have a woodland scattering of the ashes, but the communicant has to come from miles away if he / she is allowed by the Mairie. I wrote all the letters to donate my body to science, but when you return the forms you have to send a cheque for 200 euros, and if they don't like your body (who does !) it is returned to the relatives (if there are any) for doing whatever with. The idea was to keep it cheap ....see no reason for paying thousands of euros when neither of us are religious, have no friends or family here (and only a couple in the UK - certainly no one who would want to travel to France !) ...it does not bother us. I have a pre paid funeral plan, have been to choose the undertakers, written all the necessary letters (cancelling standing orders, et al ) ..all they need is a copy of the death certificate and a date ! Simples (I hope !). Unfortunately as my other half was over 70 when we enquired about the funeral policy, he was too old ...we could have paid 3,000 E upfront to keep the cost as it was at that date, but we didn't have 3,000 to spare ! It was once possible to bury someone in the garden, but that has now, I think, been rescinded in law ! bah humbug ! My late dad had a pre paid funeral policy as well, and that was SO helpful ...the jolly old Co-op arranged everything ...the only snag was, my dad never went to any Church (despite living opposite one for around 60 years !) so we had to hire the rent a vicar ...I wrote down all the relevant things about my dad (he had a service at the crem, not the Church) ...but during the service the vicar referred to someone called 'Ted' ...I had to catch his eye and tell him as quietly as I could my dad was JOE ! ....and like some of you have said, WHY is it that as soon as someone is dead, everyone who dislike them is suddenly a 'good friend' who thought the deceased was 'a marvellous person' I hate this hypocrosy ...they can say what they like about me as long as they tell the truth (no one will know anyway !) ...c'est la vie ! (or not !)supposed to be a grin here, but can't find the square brackets on my AZERTY keyboard !!

Rubylady, the following link is to a cremation only website and the cost is around £1,200 for everything.

There is also a blog on the website with useful information on this subject.

www.purecremation.co.uk

Thanks Juney, that's brilliant. I think I want to follow this course of action. I have incurable cancer so I've been giving this some massive thought and have told the BH and kids what I want but I'm now going to go straight for a 'wake/party'! They can advertise my departure and hold a celebration with drinks and sandwiches and maybe have a cake instead of the expensive flowers normally on a coffin. They can still chat about me, play the music I liked and even have a dance, how brilliantly different! And the 'envelope openers' can be weeded out. You know the ones: they turn up with minimal knowledge of the deceased, eat everything in the first half hour and then leave. Basically, they'd turn up to the opening of an envelope!

Juney64 that's a really helpful link. Thank you!

I think make your wishes be known, then the next generation can interpret as they wish. Leaving a bit of money for a party is probably better than wasting on a coffin etc. Although I do fancy the horses drawing the hearse....