Gransnet forums


Nearly 18 months Gone to pieces

(39 Posts)
GreatauntieLinda Wed 04-Jan-17 22:00:47

Its nearly 18th months since my Bob died. We didnt have children it was always just us two. I thought I was coping well, but today I came across a photo I took of him the day before our 40th wedding anniversary. He looked wonderful and from memory his health went down hill from then. I really thought I was coping, but haven't stopped crying since.

I don't know how to cope. Just typing this is helping a tiny bit. Oh Bob.

MissAdventure Wed 04-Jan-17 22:06:25

Awww, Linda, its still early days, and I'm sure most who've experienced such a great loss would be the same.
I haven't got anything to say which will help your pain, but just know that its natural that grief will well up at times.
I'm so sorry for your loss x

GreatauntieLinda Wed 04-Jan-17 22:09:56

Thank you.

Greenfinch Wed 04-Jan-17 22:11:12

You are coping well.This blip is just a sign of how much you loved him and the happy memories you have. Sadness is a very positive emotion.Go along with it and dont try to supress it. Thinking of you.

Ana Wed 04-Jan-17 22:12:13

Oh, GreatauntieLinda I feel your pain.

It's nearly 2 and a half years since my DH died and I think the first year is so taken up with sorting out practicalities, paperwork etc. that the reality doesn't sink in for a while.

I honestly can't say that it will get better, because I don't know, but there are quite a few on here who will sympathise flowers

GreatauntieLinda Wed 04-Jan-17 22:12:23

Thank you. Think I shall go to bed now. Will look in tomorrow. Gone to bits.

mumofmadboys Wed 04-Jan-17 22:12:30

Eighteen months isn't long at all compared to forty or so years. Christmas and NY is an emotional time. You are bound to have bad days. Hope you feel brighter tomorrow.xx

tanith Wed 04-Jan-17 22:12:58


GreatauntieLinda Wed 04-Jan-17 22:13:02

Thank you Ana

NotTooOld Wed 04-Jan-17 22:15:34

Linda - so sorry to hear that. You know the saying 'grief is the price we pay for love'? It's so true, isn't it? Just keep going, get out and about as much as you can, see your friends, accept all invitations. If you don't already have a pet you might think about getting one. I believe a cat or a dog can be a great comfort. You can always come on here and talk to us, there are lots in a similar situation. flowers

Linsco56 Wed 04-Jan-17 22:15:49

You're still grieving GaL. It's ok to cry, you are dealing with a painful situation and sometimes crying relieves stress.

I hope you have good friends for support and interests outside your home.

Wishing you comfort and brighter days. flowers

MissAdventure Wed 04-Jan-17 22:16:46

You're welcome
I lost my mum on Dec 6th - totally different, I know. I can't imagine how it must feel to lose your dear hubby.

grannyqueenie Wed 04-Jan-17 22:20:48

So sorry to hear it's so tough for you Linda. You were together a long time, it's no wonder you miss him such a lot. Sadness is a funny thing, it creeps up on you when you don't expect it and then just knocks you sideways. Sometimes it's a memory that triggers it, other times no obvious reason. Try not to give yourself a hard time, it's still really early days and what you're describing is a "normal" response to the loss of someone you really loved. It must have been hard to watch your husband deteriorate like that. Keep posting if it helps you to feel less alone with it all. There is a gransnet forum dedicated to bereavement, you might find it helpful to have look at what others have experienced
Thinking of you flowers

paddyann Wed 04-Jan-17 23:26:48

it will become easier to live with ,but you'll likely get unexpected moments when it floors you for a long time to come,thats just how grief is,I hope this new year brings you some peace and a bit of happiness xx

rubylady Thu 05-Jan-17 04:37:01

Actually Linda you made me feel better. I know it is not the same, but since losing my dad, I have hardly allowed myself to feel the grief. It was reassuring to know that in time it will come out and I will feel better bit by bit. Eighteen months is nothing, you had over 40 years together. They do say that if you break up with someone, then you should give it a third of the time you were together to get over them. So how does that work out when you have lost the love of your life? You will never probably get over it, you will just learn to live with it, pain will ease, but memories will stay. You did have each other, you were very lucky.

Maybe do something or go somewhere where you two used to go, if you can and remember the good times. He is there with you. Cuddle his clothes. I watched endless The Chase, because it was what me and my dad watched together. Anything which gives comfort has to be good. Do you have any pets? Maybe think of getting something which needs attention and care. It can be a source of emotional healing. Take care of yourself, eat well and sleep well. Xxx

BlueBelle Thu 05-Jan-17 04:49:33

Misadventure no it's not totally different at all, losing a loved one whether it's a mum dad sibling or partner makes no difference to your grief.... Grief is grief
Linda do accept that you will have huge ups and downs you will manage, then there will be days you feel you are losing it this is normal grief the more you have loved the deeper the feelings
Time does help but never takes it away My mum and dad both died 4 years ago I still have break down sobbing moments it is natural accept it and as Ruby says find little ways of comfort to get through
Your grief is the symbol of your love

sunseeker Thu 05-Jan-17 08:21:27

My DH died just over 5 years ago and I still get times when the grief seems just as raw. Someone once said to me that you never get over the loss of a loved one, you just learn to carry it easier.

Like you we didn't have children so it sometimes feels I no longer have anyone who cares about me, obviously this isn't true, I have friends as I am sure you have and my in laws are lovely. Be kind to yourself, I am sure Bob would have wanted you to enjoy your life.

gillybob Thu 05-Jan-17 08:25:48

Your post is so very sad GreatauntieLinda and my heart breaks for you. I lost my mum in April 2016 so only just 9 months ago. On the outside my dad looks like he's coping okay and he is very lucky to have a small family around him who see him most days to "jog him along" if you understand what I mean, I can't even begin to imagine how anyone must feel being with someone for so long and then for them to be gone in an instant. I still lose sleep thinking about my mums final days, her face still haunts my dreams and I hope one day I will be able to look at a photo of hers smiling. But not yet.

Stansgran Thu 05-Jan-17 09:24:15

We took a friend out to lunch just before Christmas . He had been widowed eighteen months and he said it was worse now than when it happened so perhaps Linda it's something that happens to many. flowers

Luckygirl Thu 05-Jan-17 10:02:01

The festive season can spark so many emotions because we remember how it was when our loved ones were with us.

Take comfort from the love you shared, which does not go away - it is part of you now and you will over time be able to tap into that with a sense of joy as well as sadness.

Sending warm thoughts your way. flowers

GrandmaMoira Thu 05-Jan-17 10:12:57

As a widow of seven years, I appreciate how you must feel. In the early days there is so much to do, it does get worse at your stage as it really sinks in. You will eventually feel better though obviously you can never forget.

Jayanna9040 Thu 05-Jan-17 10:46:57

I agree with you there, GrandmaMoira. The first year seems full of stuff that needs seeing too and a bit unreal. The second year is when you realise that this is your life from now on and it is very hard, especially at this time of year. But we do adjust. Just keep breathing Linda. Sometimes that was my biggest achievement.

Bellasnana Thu 05-Jan-17 10:47:27

GreatauntieLinda, my heart goes out to you. I've also been a widow for just over eighteen months so I can empathise with you, although we did have four children and a DGD so that helps. However, I lost my sister two months ago and am having a hard time coming to terms with losing my two best friends so close together.

Like you, I have days when I feel I'm coping pretty well, then, as you say, something will trigger off a memory and the pain you feel is almost physical.

Have you anyone you can call on when you are feeling low? Sometimes just getting out for a coffee with a friend can help lift your mood, but I know it takes a big effort sometimes.

Sending you (((hugs))) and flowers and kind thoughts.

GreatauntieLinda Thu 05-Jan-17 15:09:44

Thank you so much to you all for your kind words. I've stopped crying and now just have a heavy heart. I shall continue to visit the forum and try to learn to live in this empty world. Again thank you.

callgirl1 Thu 05-Jan-17 16:12:16

Linda, it`s not quite 3 months since my husband of just over 53 years died. We didn`t have the perfect marriage, but we jogged along, and oh boy, do I wish he was still here. I`m not on my own, my eldest daughter, who is disabled, lives with me, and the 4 married children call in regularly, but it`s not the same, is it, however well meaning folk are? I keep thinking I`m doing alright, then suddenly my throat chokes up and I want to cry again, so you are certainly not alone in your feelings. You`ll learn to cope, as I am learning, but it all takes time, and there`ll probably be many setbacks along the way. All the best to you xx