Not sure how I feel yet.

My husband has just died. I do not have the complex grieving issues that you have Phoenix. But during his last illness there was a big falling out with his daughters and one of them still will not speak to me. I really don't know why though I have my theories. In the past we got on really well. One thing I have learned is that you can't account for the behaviour of others and that to try to understand them can be a real waste of emotional energy. But it doesn't stop us trying to work it out. I have two friends who were pary or wholly estranged when their mothers died. They have worked through their issues and now accept that they did what they could but were not responsible for their mothers' behaviour.

I am truly sorry that you have lost your mother without reconciliation or answers to questions. You must feel confused and frustrated as well as grieving.
As other posters have said, remember the good relationship you once had and how courageous she was to keep you. I remember that time. When you are ready, concentrate on hopes for the future, try to shed regrets for the past.
I hope your son and daughter in law are able to comfort you and you them.
All good wishes ?

So sorry for your loss .

That is so sad - both your loss and the prior estrangement. I had this with a close friend but never with a family member. Go easy on yourself. It doesn't sound as if you any anything to reproach yourself with.

So sorry to hear your sad news Phoenix my thoughts are with you, don't blame your self you did all you could.

sorry to hear your news phoenix - i haven't got anything else to add that others haven't said but just remember the good times you and your mother had.
don't, please, be angry with your mum although it's part of grieving - just remember that now she's out of pain and is at rest.

Phoenix, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I can't offer anything that hasn't already been said above other than that I feel very sorry for your mother - she missed out on a relationship with a very special person - you. Be kind to yourself. Big hugs

How sad, I cannot imagine anything so sad as a mother cutting off relationship with her child. Does you own son not know the reason, he seems to have complied with her wishes to keep you estranged by not letting you know she was in and out of hospital. Surely he would have questioned her.

So sorry Phoenix ...like your namesake you will be able to rise again onward and upward from this distressing time. Mum and daughter relationships are complex I know ...my dear old mum died aged 64 when I was 22 ...she and I never saw eye to eye ....after she died my dad told me she never wanted me ,,and I still have a scar above my eyebrow where she threw a carving knife at me once for no reason ! However, she was still my mother and when I left home I would return sometimes at the weekend taking a gift and if I couldn't get home, sending flowers....but nothing changed ! In my case my D has not spoken to me for ten years ...indeed just last week I discovered she told one of her childhood friends I had died ! Just as well the friend knows different !

Don't berate yourself ...you have done the very best you could have in the circumstances and like so many of us you will never know the reason she chose to cut you out of her life, Difficult now, but try to remember when there were happier times and do go to the funeral ,,it may give you closure ! Bon courage as they say here !

Wishing you peace.

I am so sorry to hear your sad news Phoenix and I hope that you will be able to grieve for the mother you knew when you were younger. You may or may not find out why she acted as she did - perhaps your DS may know or he may not want to tell you. Perhaps it may be better not to know as it could have been something you could have put right but she never told you for whatever reason.
It is so sad when family members do this and don't talk their problems through.

and sympathy

Sorry for you loss Phoenix ?

Aww, so, so sorry.just big hugs and no words of reason from me ?

It is so sad when someone so close dies without things being resolved.

The loss of a relationship we never really had is the hardest to bear, it can drive you crazy wondering why..

Try to be kind to you both, maybe she wasn't so great with emotional things and whatever bugged her decided least said soonest mended........

I am sorry for your loss........tough times, plenty of support here.

I am so very sorry for your loss, it is so sad when you have become estranged after a good relationship, I think it always leaves you grieving for what might have been. If your mother was close to your DS and dil perhaps she confided in them about your relationship and, obviously they have had divided loyalties. Maybe now they may feel in a position to shed some light on the situation. I send and hugs

Hugs X Going through something similar with my StepDad and sister/brother. Was always there for them but haven't seen or spoken for years. Draw comfort from knowing you tried x

I am so sorry to read about your pain. It's soul destroying when a parent behaves in this way and you don't know why.

The thing is, you'll never know now but perhaps there was something going on in her mind which maybe even she didn't understand or know about.

I wish I could say some words to make it better, but remember she loved you so much that, against the odds, she made it through as your mum. Take care lovely lady. xx

She was your Mum of course you will be upset even if you were not getting along. Try to remember she did love you and kept you against all odds. After my Mum died I made a memory box and put in lots of bits and pieces that meant something including writing out some of my favourite memories of my Mum and me. In the beginning it was hard to open it without crying but now years later I can look in the box and smile. I think i did it because i was afraid I may have forgotten some of the things about her, which of course i didn't but then you feel odd when your Mum dies. Be kind to yourself. [cupcake}

Sorry phoenix just read this thread. So sorry for your loss. How sad for you and your mum to have lost so much time together. Who knows what goes on in other's minds. Thinking of you and ((huggs))

Be kind to yourself ..as you would to others in the same situation...give yourself time ..to reflect...to understand in your own way..& to come to terms...your Mum absolutely without doubt loved you...She chose to keep you...& i'm sure she is watching over you...
to lose a mum is incredibly painful.....I truly know...
You will be alright, I promise.....Time passes & heals, xx

I wrote a letter to my dad after he had died as a previous poster said. It does help to deal with the anger, frustration and love. Since, I have written several poems about him and with time it becomes easier to see our parents Iives in the context of their times. U will probably never know why she chose to distance herself from you. Think of her relationships with your own kids as her way of still keeping that line to u open. Try not to let it affect your own relationships with your children. U will get through this. One step at a time. Good luck

So sorry to hear your sad news*Phoenix*. Be kind to yourself

So sorry for your loss Phoenix.
Hugs xx