Not sure how I feel yet.

I think it is the not knowing that is so difficult and will never go away.

Phoenix, over the years your strength and pragmatism has always come through in dealing with the problems of life and I think, with time, you will reach some rapprochement with yourself about this matter as well, including with the fact that the niggling 'why' will be always with you.

So sorry for your loss phoenix and I don't blame you for not knowing how you feel at all. Maybe in time you can figure things out in your own mind a bit better but you can't blame yourself in any way, especially considering you don't even know why she stopped speaking to you in the first place. Is it possible she may have spoken with your DIL ?

Sending you x

Really good posts from lots of people Phoenix and I hope they have helped. It just goes to show you are not alone.

Mothers are a funny breed - except us, that is!

I can't add to the replies, but send you condolences.
A mother is someone who can never be replaced, whatever our relationship over the years.

Phoenix

Very sorry to hear this Phoenix. It is bad enough to lose your Mum, without this inexplicable situation to contend with. No wonder you don't know how you feel.

It is impossible sometimes to know why people act the way they do, when you aren't aware of any reason. I hope you get through the funeral and the next weeks with plenty of love and support. At least you have the good times to remember.

I'm struck by the way you are able to recall the happy times and the laughs you used to have with your Mum. Also your admiration for her strength in keeping you as a young unmarried Mum at a time when that took great courage.

I hope that in time you will perhaps just remember those times and the sad times will diminish.

Nothing to add Phoenix just hugs and supportive thoughts. I hope you will be able to go to the funeral and feel you have said your goodbyes.

Whenever you lose a parent I imagine there are always regrets about things. It must be very rare indeed to feel totally at peace with the loss as all relationships are flawed in one way or another.

Sending love and phoenix.

Just to say I am thinking about you Phoenix. You must be feeling all sorts of mixed emotions. The early days of bereavement is such a strange time when the relationship has been straightforward. How much more difficult when you have had a situation like yours to contend with. No advice from me as you have to find your own way forward. Perhaps your DS will in time be able to help you unravel what was going on with your mother. But here is a gentle ((hug)). We'll all be here to listen.

I haven't had the chance to read through all the posts so don't want to duplicate what others have said. I'm a relative newbie so don't know you as well as many others will. It's hard to have unanswered questions and unresolved issues when someone dies, especially a mum. It makes a hard thing even harder. I hope you've got kind and patient folk around you as you try to unpick the tangled emotions, be kind to yourself x

Sorry for your loss.

Oh phoenix - have only just read this and want to add my good wishes/condolences.

You may find this article helpful:
www.econdolence.com/learn/articles/loss-estranged-parent/

Sending sincere condolences

Heartfelt condolences from me too.

I'm sorry for your loss, phoenix

? ? ?. It sounds as if your mother had problems that were not your fault. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Of course you will have these mixed feelings. She brought you into this world and was very brave to keep you. Her problems were hers alone, not yours. In time, try to focus on any good memories. I've had to with my mother.

so sorry for your loss

Do not waste time wondering 'what if...' You tried, it didn't work, so do not blame yourself for something you could not fix.

Your Mother may have had problems you could not do anything about so stop agonising and just remember the good days. She must have loved you to have refused to give you up. People do not completely die if you talk about them often.

I am very sorry to hear about your sad situation and send sincere sympathy. I hope that in time things will feel better though that is a bit much to hope for now.

Phoenix, please don't torture yourself and try to remember the better times rather than mourn what might've been. My family is fractured and I can relate to the mixed emotions - my mum and [maternal] grandmother didn't speak for years then nanny got dementia - hours before nanny died she squeezed my hand tightly for the first time to the (previously unacknowledged) question of whether she wished to see my mum - mum visited and I think they made their peace and it's a shame you weren't given a similar opportunity. Your mum may have known you were proud of her and may have been just as proud of you even if she didn't have direct contact with you. Families aren't always great at communicating (I discovered I was a gran again last night by a Facebook post from June 2016 - picture of baby - upsetting but nothing I can do and for all I know there may be more grandkids). Be kind to yourself and recognise guilt is something we might naturally feel but that doesn't mean it belongs.

So sorry Pheonix You say you will write it down one day. That will be a very helpful way of coming to terms with the situation, as studies have shown. I have found it very useful myself, even just 3 sentences a day written in a diary. Wishing you peace.

Phoenix